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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my dh to go on some ridiculous "boys' weekend"

194 replies

LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 29/05/2011 21:47

Bit of background:

My husband has a group of close friends, about 6 of them. My dh and I have known this group for about 12 years. One of them is mutual best friend and godfather to ds. Most of the group are now married/cohabiting/and/or have children/full time jobs.

One of the men, we'll call him James, and I don't see eye to eye. This is because James decided he was in love with me about 8 years ago, and I didn't want to be with him and decidedly got with my dh. Dh and James didn't speak for a while about this.

2 years ago dh and I were invited to a wedding. I was pregnant and ill with morning sickness so dh went along with the group of 5 (the 6th getting married). James met a woman there, and my and her swapped numbers as they were all heading to go to the beach the next day and as she wasn't from the area she need directions. Not too sure why it was my dh who had to tell her, but that's by the by and I have long since gotten over that.

James ended up going out with this woman, and recently they broke up about 2 months ago. Dh refused to "hang out" with James while he was with (physically as in, in the house) with the said woman, out of respect for me (I bollocked him for handing out/taking numbers while married etc).

Anyway. James (who lives about 5 hours away) has invited the group of 5 to his house for a long weekend in summer. He lives with his parents. It's to "play X box" and "go to the beach", and no wives/gfs/children are invited.

I'm pregnant (with hyperemesis as many of you know) and have a 1 year old...in August I'll be 22+ weeks. I can't see how this is going to benefit my dh, and I think it's the distance which is the problem. The rest of the group live in Wales where we live, so surely it would make more sense to get James to come here? However James is still 16 in his head and ways and very very stubborn and he's the only one without a house/job/wife/gf/child etc so tries to pull everyone to his type of lifestyle-which really isn't feesible. James is also leader of the pack and the rest don't like to go with the crowd. Am feeling very anxious about the whole bloody thing. Have a wedding June 11th and he'll be there bringing his ex gf (her). He quite happily full on ignores me, and hasn't met ds; yet dh thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread.

AIB a twat?

OP posts:
worraliberty · 31/05/2011 00:43

Presumably because the OP herself mentioned it in a pretty roundabout way...compared to the 'importance of all the James shite'

And because as everyone knows...by the time the trip comes up, the OP might not even have HG anymore.

Therefore, it's neither here nor there until the time comes...yet OP is more concerned about the Jeramy Kyle type shit and the fact she clearly blames a single man for her DH possibly going astray...again.

shitmagnet · 31/05/2011 00:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worraliberty · 31/05/2011 00:49

Really it's worth a read though I admit there will be periods throughout when you'll want to boil your tits in acid, and rip your internet connection out with your teeth...but it's worth persevering for the bewilderment...trust me Grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/05/2011 01:22

OP, sorry that you're not feeling well. I don't think you'll like this post either but I think you're quite obsessed with James, particularly in relation to wanting to know his feelings for you. It does all sound a bit of a drama and I'm wondering if you've built it up into something that it really isn't? I'm probably wrong but it seems to me that you're working yourself up into a lather because James really hasn't shown that he cares at all, not as a friend either.

Your DP thinks a lot of James; that's fine - no need for you to have any feelings one way or the other about him, keep their friendship seperate and just re-establish with your DP that James is his friend, not yours.

As suggested, let your DP go for his weekend break and book yourself a weekend away when you've had the baby. Hope you feel better soon.

dolceebanana · 31/05/2011 14:25

Lady...do sympathise with you on feeling so ghastly and suffering due to your condition. However, you cannot force your dh to stay at home with you, if he wants to go away, and it isn't 'James' who is at fault, should he choose to go away for the 'boy's weekend'.

I do feel that you should probably compromise in agreeing to his being away on the basis that you are well, and that he should not go if you happen to be still suffering this condition. I feel that this would be a reasonable response.

You do need to probably sit down and discuss this all rationally with him, without getting upset, difficult as it may be.

I feel marriages/relationships are enhanced by a degree of freedom to do things. Nobody wants to feel hemmed in, or unable to do the things they really want to do. It can be claustrophobic. I have 3 under 5, and dh has a 'boys' (he's, aherm, 47), long weekend away every year motor racing. He also goes off mountain biking etc. In return he is very easy about me doing things I want to do, and everyone's happy.

Hope this gets resolved soon. Smile

LeQueen · 31/05/2011 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madonnawhore · 31/05/2011 14:44

But LeQueen, would your DH leave you for 4 days if you were suffering from hyperemesis?

Would he continue to nurture a very close friendship with someone who openly said they despised you?

Those are the central issues in the OP's post as far as I can see. Everything else is just high school bullshit.

Jennytailia · 31/05/2011 15:38

The problem is you don't like his friend, he does. His friends = his choice.

The more you try and make him 'see the light' the more it will drive a wedge between you.

It really is his decision not yours.

QuickLookBusy · 31/05/2011 16:05

If my DH wanted to go away whilst I was pregnant, ill and would be looking after a 1 year old, we would talk about it. I would tell him I wasn't happy because of the already mentioned circumstances. He would tell his friend he couldn't come, but would love to next time.

Aren't people in a marriage/partnership supposed to love and support each other when they most need it?

If you have told DH you aren't happy and he continues to go, he is a twit.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 01/06/2011 07:33

So now my opinon doesn't count? Hmm

Ormirian · 01/06/2011 07:48

Got confused about why you were so cross with James and his gf tbh. So disregarding that, he shouldn't go if you are still feeling I'll when the weekend arrives, otherwise he should.

begonyabampot · 06/06/2011 11:34

can't believe I missed this, it's like an episode of Dynasty with the beautiful people or Shameless with Jeremy Vile fodder.

So Lady, have you sorted this out yet?

Original poster
LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 06/06/2011 21:10

Kind of. I said to dh he can go, I don't have a problem with him going...have my friend coming to stay.

Have told dh that I think he is a dick for being friends with someone who is such a twat. He said;

"Well, he'll never change if everyone turns their back on him".

However, we were supposed to be going to Cornwall with my sister during the same week (including the weekend)...so that might clash...not too sure what's happening.

Maybe James will break his leg and not be able to entertain any guests. His father has just been diagnosed with fatal liver cancer, and he's inviting a bunch of men to his home. ARGH!

Ok I'm hiding this thread.

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 06/06/2011 21:55

this is so funny

am I being U
YES
no I am not
YES YOU ARE

let him go but make it very very clear he owes you BIG TIME

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 07/06/2011 09:24

So he's just been told his dad is going to die so invites his mates round and you think that's stupid? That is exactly when he needs his mates.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 07/06/2011 09:45

I think you have to leave your dh to realise what a massive twat James is, in his own time. Practice parcelling up all your anger etc about James and his bad behaviour and let it go (I read something somewhere suggesting you visualise whatever problem/negative thought you want to get rid of as a parcel with balloons attached - you let go and it drifts up and away).

FWIW, I was a lot less happy about dh going away on work or personal jaunts when the dc were young and/or I was pregnant. It is damned hard work looking after them on your own, even if you aren't throwing up all the time - and the hyperemesis must make absolutely everything a constant struggle. I think getting a friend to come and stay is a good idea, and letting your dh go and spend time with his friends is a good thing - a bit of give and take is a good thing in a marriage. Plus he won't just be spending his time with James, he'll be enjoying himself with some of his other friends too.

And it may be shallow, but he will also owe you bigtime! You could plan some time away with some of your friends - either before the birth (if the hyperemesis eases up enough), or afterwards, when the baby's old enough to be left and you are happy to leave him/her. Plan a weekend at a nice hotel with a spa, and get pampered!

Cat98 · 07/06/2011 09:49

God, I think the majority are being ridiculously hard on the op. Yanbu, for a number of reasons.

ljgibbs · 07/06/2011 11:08

I think James is in love with your DH and wants him for himself.

AdamJSusan · 07/06/2011 11:16

I bet he is gagging for a weekend away, get a grip.

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