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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my dh to go on some ridiculous "boys' weekend"

194 replies

LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 29/05/2011 21:47

Bit of background:

My husband has a group of close friends, about 6 of them. My dh and I have known this group for about 12 years. One of them is mutual best friend and godfather to ds. Most of the group are now married/cohabiting/and/or have children/full time jobs.

One of the men, we'll call him James, and I don't see eye to eye. This is because James decided he was in love with me about 8 years ago, and I didn't want to be with him and decidedly got with my dh. Dh and James didn't speak for a while about this.

2 years ago dh and I were invited to a wedding. I was pregnant and ill with morning sickness so dh went along with the group of 5 (the 6th getting married). James met a woman there, and my and her swapped numbers as they were all heading to go to the beach the next day and as she wasn't from the area she need directions. Not too sure why it was my dh who had to tell her, but that's by the by and I have long since gotten over that.

James ended up going out with this woman, and recently they broke up about 2 months ago. Dh refused to "hang out" with James while he was with (physically as in, in the house) with the said woman, out of respect for me (I bollocked him for handing out/taking numbers while married etc).

Anyway. James (who lives about 5 hours away) has invited the group of 5 to his house for a long weekend in summer. He lives with his parents. It's to "play X box" and "go to the beach", and no wives/gfs/children are invited.

I'm pregnant (with hyperemesis as many of you know) and have a 1 year old...in August I'll be 22+ weeks. I can't see how this is going to benefit my dh, and I think it's the distance which is the problem. The rest of the group live in Wales where we live, so surely it would make more sense to get James to come here? However James is still 16 in his head and ways and very very stubborn and he's the only one without a house/job/wife/gf/child etc so tries to pull everyone to his type of lifestyle-which really isn't feesible. James is also leader of the pack and the rest don't like to go with the crowd. Am feeling very anxious about the whole bloody thing. Have a wedding June 11th and he'll be there bringing his ex gf (her). He quite happily full on ignores me, and hasn't met ds; yet dh thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread.

AIB a twat?

OP posts:
MerylStrop · 30/05/2011 22:57

Re the hyperemesis - get a mate round or go to yer ma's - oodles of time to organise it.
I know it's shit to be ill, pregnant and in charge of a toddler on your own. And it's even more galling if your OH wants to do something crap with someone you hate. But I still maintain letting him make his own decisions is the only way.

ravenAK · 30/05/2011 22:57

Not me. I had antenatal depression once, which made me behave like a screeching loon the MINUTE dh looked like having FUN, the utter BASTARD...

It was me that suggested 'banking' the weekend as a favour owed, but subsequent dripfeed does suggest that the relationship between James & your dh is one to discourage.

I think I'd be making it clear to dh that I regarded James not as mad, bad & dangerous to know (because I suspect that's what your dh secretly likes about him) but as a tedious saddo who still lives at home & whines round the coat-tails of his grown up friends for attention, when he's not shit-stirring because he's jealous.

OTOH, you aren't married to James - your problem is more that your dh needs to grow a pair so that he can fend off directions woman/James etc, without hiding behind you.

Wafflepuss · 30/05/2011 22:59

Bloody he'll, can't believe this is still rumbling on.

Surely if your hyperemeis is so bad your DH wouldn't even be considering going? If you genuinely have it it should be blindingly obvious that he can't go as you ought to be completely unable to function. Surprised you have time and strength to write your original lengthy post and follow-ups actually..

Agree with Mayorquimby, the sickness gets minimal mention in the OP and now you say its the key issue?

Wafflepuss · 30/05/2011 23:03

Here's a thought, could it be that you have actually shagged James since marrying your DH and you're terrified that the more time they spend together the more likely James is to spill the beans?? Oooooh, that's it isn't it?!!

ginhag · 30/05/2011 23:04

You and James had a 'thing' didn't you? Before you broke his heart.

Yes you did.

madonnawhore · 30/05/2011 23:04

OP, sounds like your H should have married James instead of you. He mights as well have if he's going to keep putting his friendship with him above his wife and children.

There's no way I could be bessie mates with someone who despised my DP because of some high school shit that happened when we were 16.

Your H is a twat to be friends with this twat.

Personally, I don't think YABU to not want him to go. I've never had hyperemesis but I can imagine it's completely fucking horrific and with a 1 year old, you would want as many helping hands and support as possible.

All those on this thread who are saying that they managed perfectly well when their H's were off on jollies with 'the boys' and looked after 2+ DCs while having one arm hanging off should think about how their DH's were able to leave them in that condition in the pursuit of 'fun'.

brokenarrow · 30/05/2011 23:05

OP, I am flabbergasted by a lot of the answers you are getting.
No it's not all right for your DH to swan off for 4 (!) days of selfish fun right now.

ginhag · 30/05/2011 23:06

I think this is about what is not being said.

What happened between op and James. And what happened between OP's husband and the phone directions woman.

K999 · 30/05/2011 23:10

If I was that ill there is absolutely no way DP would leave me like that. But you may be ok come August? If I were you, I'd let him go and organise something yourself-perhaps friends over to help you out...

Actually, I think I have said all this on page 1 of this thread...Confused

LeQueen · 30/05/2011 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bellagio · 30/05/2011 23:17

Wow, I feel sorry for your dh.
And James.
Yabu

MooMooFarm · 30/05/2011 23:18

Have to admit I'm a lazy cow and so have only read the first and last pages -but the OPs opening post doesn't make much sense. So I'm assuming there's more to the thing between OP and James and OP's H and the phone number woman.

But the upshot is, IMO, OP can't blame James whether H decides to go on the weekend or not - it is up to H to decide for himself if it is right/ok to leave OP for a weekend. If he can't make decisions for himself and needs to have his lead yanked by whoever can pull it hardest out of OP or James, then there are bigger problems looming in this relationship than a weekend away Hmm.

Pelagia · 30/05/2011 23:26

If my DH was ill and we had a small toddler, I wouldn't leave them for a weekend to spend time with someone who has a habit of slagging my family off. So I would expect the same in reverse.

MooMooFarm · 30/05/2011 23:27

Ok so I'll admit that I'm sad enough to have now read through OPs posts (anything to delay the end of my Bank Holiday Sad).

OP I do feel sorry for you. The problem isn't James - he is just a side issue. The problem is that you do not trust your H to be away from you, with good reason (because he cheated in some form or other). Your H may have talked you into believing James is such a bastard that it was all his fault, but you know it wasn't - don't you? If your H was all grown-up and committed to you, no amount of persuasion/goading/cheering on from 'friends' would persuade him to cheat on you.

IMO you are directing all your hate at James because that's alot easier and much less scarey than directing it at your H - who really deserves it.

K999 · 30/05/2011 23:28

Actually, you said others had cancelled. Why don't you invite James to spend the weekend at yours? That way you could keep your eye on them both. Mind though, when you see him put his hands down his trousers, to remove any trace of cakes/food that happen to be lying around...Grin

Tambern · 30/05/2011 23:48

I think you're being unreasonable. If you don't trust your husband then you have bigger issues than a boys weekend off to worry about. If you do then there shouldn't be a problem. The worst thing you can do is be passive aggressive about it. Either let him go, and remind him that he owes you a whacking massive favour, or tell him clearly your reasons for not wanting him to go and take it from there.

Also the fact you don't like his friend doesn't mean much. Your partner doesn't get to pick who you should be friends with, nor do you get to do the same for him

Tambern · 30/05/2011 23:56

Having read through all the posts, does anyone else want to start humming Brokeback Mountain theme tune? I just need to get to the beach with you Jack James! Maybe they fish.

MooMooFarm · 31/05/2011 00:00
Grin
magicmelons · 31/05/2011 00:02

Actually I have HG twice the first when I was hospitalised dh was away at training camp and then the 2nd time had to look after my then 2 year old, she used to sit in the bathroom with me rubbing my back (sad) eventually ended up in hospital then to and IL's stepped into help. My dh works away alot. It wasn't nice and I know how awful it is and I wouldn't ever say that just because I had to do it anyone else should. However that wasn't your issue, you didn't post is my dh UR for considering going away on a jolly when I am do sick.

What I would say is, now's not the time to make up his mind and also if your so sick, I bet lifes no picnic for him either so maybe the prospect of a short break is what he needs.

MavisEnderby · 31/05/2011 00:09

OP life is short.Hes going away with his mates for a bit of a laugh.Nothing more.

Let him enjoy it!

MavisEnderby · 31/05/2011 00:13

To try to put this into perspective,it is a week or so short of the anniversary of my dps death.Sometimes he went on a jolly with his mates,it wasn't often but hey both parties need a good boys/girlie weekend now and then.Seriously life is too short

MavisEnderby · 31/05/2011 00:25

Have only read op,???is there more??(shouldnt come onto late night thread emoticon,have just seen this has loads of posts)

SockShitter · 31/05/2011 00:29

I have never had hypermesis, I did have pretty severe morning sickness though. If dh disliked me enough to leave me for 4 days while I wanted to die (and there were days when I did) I would have left him.

If he continued to be friends with someone who treated me like shit and encouraged him to cheat on me. I would have left him. James is a twat, yes, but James is not your problem. Your husband (with respect) is being a dick, sort him out

MavisEnderby · 31/05/2011 00:35

Oh dear,I only read op,seems things have moved on.....

shitmagnet · 31/05/2011 00:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.