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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my dh to go on some ridiculous "boys' weekend"

194 replies

LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 29/05/2011 21:47

Bit of background:

My husband has a group of close friends, about 6 of them. My dh and I have known this group for about 12 years. One of them is mutual best friend and godfather to ds. Most of the group are now married/cohabiting/and/or have children/full time jobs.

One of the men, we'll call him James, and I don't see eye to eye. This is because James decided he was in love with me about 8 years ago, and I didn't want to be with him and decidedly got with my dh. Dh and James didn't speak for a while about this.

2 years ago dh and I were invited to a wedding. I was pregnant and ill with morning sickness so dh went along with the group of 5 (the 6th getting married). James met a woman there, and my and her swapped numbers as they were all heading to go to the beach the next day and as she wasn't from the area she need directions. Not too sure why it was my dh who had to tell her, but that's by the by and I have long since gotten over that.

James ended up going out with this woman, and recently they broke up about 2 months ago. Dh refused to "hang out" with James while he was with (physically as in, in the house) with the said woman, out of respect for me (I bollocked him for handing out/taking numbers while married etc).

Anyway. James (who lives about 5 hours away) has invited the group of 5 to his house for a long weekend in summer. He lives with his parents. It's to "play X box" and "go to the beach", and no wives/gfs/children are invited.

I'm pregnant (with hyperemesis as many of you know) and have a 1 year old...in August I'll be 22+ weeks. I can't see how this is going to benefit my dh, and I think it's the distance which is the problem. The rest of the group live in Wales where we live, so surely it would make more sense to get James to come here? However James is still 16 in his head and ways and very very stubborn and he's the only one without a house/job/wife/gf/child etc so tries to pull everyone to his type of lifestyle-which really isn't feesible. James is also leader of the pack and the rest don't like to go with the crowd. Am feeling very anxious about the whole bloody thing. Have a wedding June 11th and he'll be there bringing his ex gf (her). He quite happily full on ignores me, and hasn't met ds; yet dh thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread.

AIB a twat?

OP posts:
MerylStrop · 29/05/2011 21:58

Gosh you hate "James" don't you?

Why so much?

Why also so much distrust around his ex?

There must be more to this than you are letting on.

I don't see anything wrong with your DH having a juvenile weekend with his mates, although at 22 weeks with a toddler and hyperemesis I can see that its not going to be fab on your own - but surely you could go visiting or have folks over?

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 29/05/2011 21:58

YABU it's one weekend, 4 days. They'll be just having a boys weekend. I honestly don't see what the big deal is. And after all, it's not til August and you don't know how you'll feel by then.

Original poster
LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 29/05/2011 21:59

I think those of you going on about "directions" should read my previous posts. It turned into more than that.

It won't benefit him paying £100 in petrol to sit and play xbox.

3 of the group have already said they can't go as they have family commitments.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 29/05/2011 21:59

Hyperemesis is horrendous, you have my sympathy.

Mine passed at 21/22 weeks with dc3.

ravenAK · 29/05/2011 22:00

It sounds entirely harmless (if tiresome for you to be on your own whilst feeling rough - but then, by August you may be much better).

If you make a fuss about it, dh's mates will all go without him, & spend all weekend taking the piss about him being under the thumb. He will know this.

Much better to wave him off, making it clear that he OWES you one & yo will be banking a weekend with friends (leaving him with the dc) at some future date.

mypersonalfavourite · 29/05/2011 22:00

The history with James is a bit odd. You were 16? Shouldn't really matter now.

YANBU if you really need help with the baby but you could well be much better by then.

I think you should trust your husband and stop worrying. It can kill a marriage. If dh told me I couldn't go for the reasons you've given I'd think he was very controlling.

Original poster
LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 29/05/2011 22:00

James hates me more than I care to think about. He has this horrible hang up about the fact we didn't get together, and he blames me for him loving me and me not ever doing anything about it.

OP posts:
TheFlyingOnion · 29/05/2011 22:00

er, OP he might have FUN? I think that's the "benefit"?

you sound quite controlling tbh

jade80 · 29/05/2011 22:01

Well if he's that bad, your dh should work it out sooner or later, so perhaps best to let him spend time with James so he works it out sooner. It does sound a bit like you have an axe to grind with James though, is he really that bad or just you wearing shit tinted glasses owing to past events? You do come across as being a little unreasonable, but perhaps you haven't fully got across to us what James is like.

ENormaSnob · 29/05/2011 22:01

I wouldn't trust him either tbh.

Georgimama · 29/05/2011 22:01

I think you sound like you enjoy the drama

Original poster
LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 29/05/2011 22:02

I just don't think it's normal for you to spend with the weekend with someone who openly despises your wife and family to the extent that they tell you that. I think it's unusual behaviour.

I also think it's a bit weird that dh would WANT to go, considering his friend merely slates dh's family life.

OP posts:
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 29/05/2011 22:02

I had horrible hyperemesis will all of mine - was still being sick as I was going into the delivery room, so you have my sympathies. But I had to look after my toddler when my then DH had to go away with work for 6 weeks when I was 20 weeks. I had no family near, and only very few friends as we'd not long moved. So for that, yes you have my sympathies, but I still wouldn't stop him from going and having fun with his mates for the weekend.

I'd Bank that weekend like raven says and book yourself a spa weekend sometime in the future.

But seems to me like you have issues around James. And you don't quite trust your husband.

MrsCampbellBlack · 29/05/2011 22:02

Golly - all sounds like an episode of This Life.

Seriously - what does your DH want to do?

K999 · 29/05/2011 22:02

Why not confront James about his feelings towards you? Get it out in the open. You're both adults now. Christ, surely he can't be that upset about something that happened when you were 16!?

captainbarnacle · 29/05/2011 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

K999 · 29/05/2011 22:04

Tbh. If someone openly despised me, DP wouldn't have anything to do with them. Does your DH know how upset you are about this?

worraliberty · 29/05/2011 22:05

Why does it have to benefit him? Why can't he just go and enjoy a few days with his friend? Confused

Perhaps I'm reading too much into this between the lines but if this woman acted inappropriately and 'he asked you to step in'....are you sure that doesn't mean you caught him flirting with her and you jumped in to stop it?

I mean, all he had to do was ignore her texts/calls...why would have to get his wife involved to get rid of her if he wasn't encouraging her?

Original poster
LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 29/05/2011 22:06

K999. I rang James just before ds was born and asked him what his problem was and how long was he going to behave like this? He said;

"You knew I loved you, you didn't love me back and you hurt me. I think you're a horrible person and I don't want horrible people in my life. It's a shame that LordOfTheManor is married to you because he doesn't realise how fucking cruel you are..." it went on and ended with "If you think I'm losing my best friend because you wanted one over on me you've got a battle on your hands".

I mean come on, he's a grown man. It's ridiculous. You want an idea about what he's like?

It was someone's birthday and lots of people from church were there, James put his hands down his pants and put a handful of pubic hair on the cake.

James BROKE into my parents house when I was 17, to put a love letter in my bed-filmed it, and then re edited it so it looked dodgy and sent it anonymously to my parents.

He locked his elderly father in a shed with a smoke bomb.

Need I go on?

OP posts:
manticlimactic · 29/05/2011 22:06

Why are you asking if YABU? It's clear you think you're not.

But you are.

ChippingIn · 29/05/2011 22:07

drip drip drip

YABU

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 29/05/2011 22:07

You need to talk to your DH

Original poster
LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 29/05/2011 22:07

Worral- no it wasn't just texts and flirting. I don't really want to go into what it was. It's resolved. I'm more furious that it was set up by James. It's as though he genuinely wants our marriage to break down to see me hurt.

OP posts:
MerylStrop · 29/05/2011 22:08

So you and James are never going to get along.

The best possible thing that you can do is to be happy to let your DH go and do their boy thing. And be really cool about it. That will really piss James off.

If you make a fuss it will add fuel to his fire. Although I am sure you are probably imagining most of it.

mypersonalfavourite · 29/05/2011 22:08

Hmmm just read recent posts. yes, James is a twat by the sound of it. Still dh's decision though.

Dh had a friend who tried to get him to sleep with a prostitute on the basis it wasn't cheating. I couldn't stand him (not really based on that though) and just told dh it had nothing to do with me if he wanted to see him but not in our house. I thought that was fair enough. As in your situation they were part of an old friendship group which is a very strong tie. The friendship died down as dh realised what an idiot the guy was. They barely speak now and dh tries to avoid his calls. They haven't seen each other in years. You'll probably find that as your dh gets a bit older (you're both young) they'll naturally grow apart from each other. Don't try to force it though. A weekend playing x-box is fun and a good escape for him.

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