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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my dh to go on some ridiculous "boys' weekend"

194 replies

LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 29/05/2011 21:47

Bit of background:

My husband has a group of close friends, about 6 of them. My dh and I have known this group for about 12 years. One of them is mutual best friend and godfather to ds. Most of the group are now married/cohabiting/and/or have children/full time jobs.

One of the men, we'll call him James, and I don't see eye to eye. This is because James decided he was in love with me about 8 years ago, and I didn't want to be with him and decidedly got with my dh. Dh and James didn't speak for a while about this.

2 years ago dh and I were invited to a wedding. I was pregnant and ill with morning sickness so dh went along with the group of 5 (the 6th getting married). James met a woman there, and my and her swapped numbers as they were all heading to go to the beach the next day and as she wasn't from the area she need directions. Not too sure why it was my dh who had to tell her, but that's by the by and I have long since gotten over that.

James ended up going out with this woman, and recently they broke up about 2 months ago. Dh refused to "hang out" with James while he was with (physically as in, in the house) with the said woman, out of respect for me (I bollocked him for handing out/taking numbers while married etc).

Anyway. James (who lives about 5 hours away) has invited the group of 5 to his house for a long weekend in summer. He lives with his parents. It's to "play X box" and "go to the beach", and no wives/gfs/children are invited.

I'm pregnant (with hyperemesis as many of you know) and have a 1 year old...in August I'll be 22+ weeks. I can't see how this is going to benefit my dh, and I think it's the distance which is the problem. The rest of the group live in Wales where we live, so surely it would make more sense to get James to come here? However James is still 16 in his head and ways and very very stubborn and he's the only one without a house/job/wife/gf/child etc so tries to pull everyone to his type of lifestyle-which really isn't feesible. James is also leader of the pack and the rest don't like to go with the crowd. Am feeling very anxious about the whole bloody thing. Have a wedding June 11th and he'll be there bringing his ex gf (her). He quite happily full on ignores me, and hasn't met ds; yet dh thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread.

AIB a twat?

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 29/05/2011 22:09

So your DH knows all this about James and still wants to go? Right - its your DH whose the problem then isn't it or perhaps he doesn't believe you?

MerylStrop · 29/05/2011 22:09

the bloke undeniably sounds like an arse though

worraliberty · 29/05/2011 22:09

Has someone left a tap on? Hmm

CatPower · 29/05/2011 22:09

All this history with James happened when you were in your teens and early twenties?

Build a bridge and get over it, ffs.

Your DH will enjoy a weekend with his friends, even if it does cost £100 on petrol - why not turn it into a positive and ask some of your friends to your place, have a weekend with your best friend, or sister, or Mum?

K999 · 29/05/2011 22:10

Fucking hell Shock

And your DH still wants to be friends with this guy after all that stuff. As I said before my DP wouldn't have anything to do with someone who openly despised me. What does your DH say about the fact that he hates you?

worraliberty · 29/05/2011 22:10

Either your DH doesn't believe a word of all this 'anti James' stuff or he really couldn't give a shit.

He thinks James is the best thing since sliced bread after all the information you've drip fed us? Shock

Original poster
LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 29/05/2011 22:12

CatPower- I still am in my early twenties.

I am not fucking dripping- I didn't think I'd have to warrant an explanation for why I think James is a twat...I thought my word would be enough to go on.

Dh hasn't said much. He thinks he's childish and a bit of a pratt but "he's been friends with him forever" Hmm

I just don't think that I should have to struggle with being ill so James can play on the Xbox for a few days

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 29/05/2011 22:13

Your dh is more of a problem than james is imo.

How can he stay friends with him after all that?

mypersonalfavourite · 29/05/2011 22:13

Yes, why does your dh like James still? The prostitute guy never actually said anything rude about me or behaved like towards me. He'd have been told where to go by dh if he had,

Original poster
LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 29/05/2011 22:14

Oh yeah they all think James is leader of the pack. Our (my and dhs) friend fell out with James for a very long time but went back to him and said;

"He's clearly lost and needs friends like me and LordOTM to make him realise where he's going wrong". I just don't understand the need for responsibility. He's the oldest, he should sort himself out...but if I go on about how much of a twat James is, my dh says what you lot say and just "if you'd just make the effort..."

OP posts:
CatPower · 29/05/2011 22:14

Cross posted, grr.

Okay, given your drip-fed backstory I agree that James sounds like an almighty twat and I can't fathom why your DH would want to stay friends with him when he's so obviously negative towards you.

However -

All of this drama (and oh how I hate the word) is centred on Facebook-esque "omg he loves me but lol i love my dh so James is all "ffs i hate u now" and i was like "he's such a dick i hate him" nonsense from your teens. Spell it out loud and clear to your DH that you find his continued presence in your lives unwelcome, and ask him to rethink the weekend. Any decent DH would realise what a monumental arsewipe this James is, and give him the heave-ho.

K999 · 29/05/2011 22:14

Yes. I don't understand that either.

Georgimama · 29/05/2011 22:14

James can play on the x box anytime he likes. Your illness has nothing to do with it.

Pictish · 29/05/2011 22:15

Bollocks...all bollocks. Or most of it bollocks. Or some of it bollocks.

I can't work it out so I'm not going to try.

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 29/05/2011 22:15

LOTCM - you really really need to sit down and have a full and frank exchange of views re James with your DH.

Obviously, he dislikes you, you dislike him, the two of you are never going to be friends. But your DH for whatever reason still sees him as a mate.

I'd still let DH go though. He's got to see James for the prat he is for himself, you can't make him see it.

Original poster
LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 29/05/2011 22:16

and dh puts a lot of pressure on me to try and "be friendly" to him when we clash at weddings etc. I say hello, he ignores me. He then takes dh to the bar and keeps him by his side.

I'm starting to see (now it's written down) that my dh is a bit of twat now too. Not too sure how to approach the whole thing. I won't tell him what to do, but I can't mention it without it looking like my "hate James" appeal is back on

OP posts:
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 29/05/2011 22:16

And TBH it sounds a bit like you like the drama.

shakey1500 · 29/05/2011 22:16

I agree with Meryl. Obviously there's no love lost with James so I'd be inclined to kill him with kindness, then the ball is in his court 9so to speak) and if he wants to carry on being an arse, then so be it.

GreenEyesandHam · 29/05/2011 22:16

Well from your description James sounds like a bit of a twat, but he must have some redeeming features eh, seeing as your DH is so keen to spend time with him

worraliberty · 29/05/2011 22:17

To be fair, it's not James' fault you and your DH had a child and now have another on the way a year later.

He's perfectly entitled to invite whoever he likes to his get together.

Your DH is perfectly entitled to refuse to go...the fact he isn't refusing is something you need to discuss with him.

Being 'friends forever' with someone how despises you and who broke into your parent's home, then the whole 'other woman' thing that you say was 'more than texts and calls'..... really kind of says more about your DH than anything you've said here about James Sad

jeckadeck · 29/05/2011 22:17

sorry, don't think I understand this business with the phone number, can you clarify? Your other half gave his phone number to some woman who needed directions and you're pissed off with this other guy James (who was once in love with you) for not having told him off? Surely your husband is the one who should have known better, not this James? also in the scheme of things I can't say I think that having handed your number to some woman in a one off innocent situation is the worst of crimes... I'm struggling to understand why any of this should bar your husband from going away on this weekend. If you don't want him to go on this lad's weekend that's one thing but it sounds like you're slightly grasping at straws. I'd let him go, tbh, as the resentment of him not being allowed to go will probably build up and repeat itself on you down the line.

Gimmeecoffee · 29/05/2011 22:17

"It won't benefit him paying £100 in petrol to sit and play xbox."

Maybe it will, maybe he wants to spend £100 to spend some time with his friends.
Iv've been in a simmilar sittiation to your DH ragarding feeling like i couldn't go and do what i wanted. We are now split up.
If you are still ill a few weeks before he's due to go then talk to him, but otherwise leave him to have fun with his mates for a few days.
Hope you're feeling better soon :)

Gimmeecoffee · 29/05/2011 22:18

sittuation*

Original poster
LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 29/05/2011 22:18

Jack- I'll let you read my previous posts for the brief history on that.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 29/05/2011 22:18

Realistically it is unlikely to be 4 days of only xbox.

I am not surprised you don't trust your dh. I wouldn't either from your posts.

Question is, whats going to happen from now?

James will probably always be a twat. I can't imagine why your dh thinks its okay to remain friends with someone out to sabotage his marriage.