Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my dh to go on some ridiculous "boys' weekend"

194 replies

LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 29/05/2011 21:47

Bit of background:

My husband has a group of close friends, about 6 of them. My dh and I have known this group for about 12 years. One of them is mutual best friend and godfather to ds. Most of the group are now married/cohabiting/and/or have children/full time jobs.

One of the men, we'll call him James, and I don't see eye to eye. This is because James decided he was in love with me about 8 years ago, and I didn't want to be with him and decidedly got with my dh. Dh and James didn't speak for a while about this.

2 years ago dh and I were invited to a wedding. I was pregnant and ill with morning sickness so dh went along with the group of 5 (the 6th getting married). James met a woman there, and my and her swapped numbers as they were all heading to go to the beach the next day and as she wasn't from the area she need directions. Not too sure why it was my dh who had to tell her, but that's by the by and I have long since gotten over that.

James ended up going out with this woman, and recently they broke up about 2 months ago. Dh refused to "hang out" with James while he was with (physically as in, in the house) with the said woman, out of respect for me (I bollocked him for handing out/taking numbers while married etc).

Anyway. James (who lives about 5 hours away) has invited the group of 5 to his house for a long weekend in summer. He lives with his parents. It's to "play X box" and "go to the beach", and no wives/gfs/children are invited.

I'm pregnant (with hyperemesis as many of you know) and have a 1 year old...in August I'll be 22+ weeks. I can't see how this is going to benefit my dh, and I think it's the distance which is the problem. The rest of the group live in Wales where we live, so surely it would make more sense to get James to come here? However James is still 16 in his head and ways and very very stubborn and he's the only one without a house/job/wife/gf/child etc so tries to pull everyone to his type of lifestyle-which really isn't feesible. James is also leader of the pack and the rest don't like to go with the crowd. Am feeling very anxious about the whole bloody thing. Have a wedding June 11th and he'll be there bringing his ex gf (her). He quite happily full on ignores me, and hasn't met ds; yet dh thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread.

AIB a twat?

OP posts:
yousankmybattleship · 29/05/2011 22:49

YABVU. This James ha clearly got over you but you still seem hung up on him. Your OH wants one weekend away - so what - really not a big deal. You seem to be whining about looking after your own child. Oh - and for the record - people have been pregnant and looked afer a child before and survived!!!!

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 29/05/2011 22:53
  1. James is a wanknob and clearly a bit disturbed.
  2. Your DH is a small boy and needs to grow up.
  3. You also sound very immature, insecure and controlling.
  4. Not sure I understand all your posts, but from what I gather you need to tell your DH how much of a James has been in the past, and explain your reasons for not wanting him to go. Explain how much simply being friends with such a freaky weirdo is enough to put you off him (DH). I couldn't be with my DH if he was friends with my stalker psycho ex. Just me, though.
HalfPastWine · 29/05/2011 22:54

Your DH and James sound likes peas in a pod. From the sounds of it DH does know what a wanker James is but doesn't care as he's fun and is a reminder of how mad his life was before he got married. And, although your DH may love you dearly, he sees James as 'escapism'. I think you really need to discuss this properly with DH.

I second what worraliberty said Are you sure you trust your DH and you're not using James as a scapegoat for the fact you're worried about other women while he's away? ......and also ENormaSnob in that it's unlikely that he'll be playing x-box for the whole 4 days.

IMO, something doesn't sit right with this trip. Surely, if the other friends have backed out because of family commitments then surely with you being poorly and DH knowing this, it would have been better to rearrange the trip to a more convenient time when ALL the guys could make it???

TheFlyingOnion · 29/05/2011 22:59

oh god this all sounds so familiar....

Wafflepuss · 29/05/2011 23:05

So, in summary...

James hates you.
You hate James.
Your husband likes James
James likes your husband, and wants to spend time with him, excluding you.
Your husband can't be trusted around other women and is not adverse to a bit of fun on the side.
James encourages this presumably to piss you off.
You are quite controlling, even more so when James is around because you know he will encourage your husband in his extra-marital activities hence your reluctance to "let" your husband attend the boys weekend.

S'all a bit of a mess isn't it.

The weekend way isn't the issue really is it...

TheFlyingOnion · 29/05/2011 23:12

if your husband is going to cheat, he will cheat.

And it won't be James' fault....

magicmelons · 29/05/2011 23:16

Agreed, you either trust him or you don't.

It doesn't matter where he goes or who he goes with his will power is his own, nobody can make him do anything he doesn't want to.

worraliberty · 29/05/2011 23:19

I have to wonder now if your DH stayed away from James while he was with this woman out of respect to you, or out of respect to James? Hmm

PeterSpanswick · 29/05/2011 23:22

I know how it feels to get a bit vulnerable when pregnsmt and this guy obviously has form so yanbu!

When I was pregnant and ill I felt like I was representing to my husband the drudgery and responsibility of our everyday life and his single friends represented all the fun he was missing out on by being with me. Therefore any time he spent with them made me feel that he was pulling away from me and hankering after his old life and made me very clingy and down - all I can say looking back is that hormones are powerful things, we both laugh about it now.

Hope you are feeling better - I honestly think the best thing you can do for you both is encourage him to go, be as supportive of his friendships as you can bring yourself to be in the circumstsnces (and make sure you have lots planned to keep your mind from wandering while he is away) and let him find out for himself that playing computer games with this child-man isnt nearly as appealing spending time with you!

bruxeur · 29/05/2011 23:25

I'm confused. Is this a joke thread about Geordie Shore?

LeQueen · 29/05/2011 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFlyingOnion · 29/05/2011 23:35

oh well I'm glad that's sewn up then LeQueen... Grin

Brew 'night!

magicmelons · 29/05/2011 23:36

yes please Lequeen. i can't sleep, although only a smidge or i shall have to get up to wee in the night Grin

magicmelons · 29/05/2011 23:37

oh and you forgot your gavel, we can't finish until you do the gavel, then i'll be able to get some rest.

LeQueen · 29/05/2011 23:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeQueen · 29/05/2011 23:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeker · 29/05/2011 23:42

Sometimes I am SOOOOO glad I'm not young any more!

HalfPastWine · 29/05/2011 23:56

Where's Jeremy Kyle when you need him. He could sort this one out. Get DH and that James on the old polygraph. :)

Inertia · 29/05/2011 23:58

How it sounds to me:

-James is very immature and has displayed some ridiculously stupid and unpleasant behaviour

  • James resents you for seeing through him, and putting the mockers on his plans for his coven of lads
  • DH is probably scared to stand up to James because he doesn't want to lose his friends / miss out
  • your issue is with your DH, who ought to be standing up to James's disrespectful treatment of you
  • You do need to accept that your DH needs some time with his friends- likewise, you also need "time off"
  • If 3 of the other friends can't go due to family commitments, let DH have a weekend with them; if they live much closer then he's nearby if your illness worsens.
LeQueen · 29/05/2011 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumSecret · 30/05/2011 00:02

There's always a 'James' isn't there?

In every group of males under 25?

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 30/05/2011 00:03

LeQueen YABU. Ovaltine is vile.

LeQueen · 30/05/2011 00:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morloth · 30/05/2011 00:23

James isn't relevant, directions woman isn't relevant, xbox isn't relevant.

Only person relevant is your DH, if you trust him then he should be able to go stay in a house full of nymphomaniac strippers and have no problem, if you don't then it doesn't matter if he is getting a coffee with a grandma.

Here is what I would do, I would say 'I am not feeling great with the pregnancy and am not sure I can manage 1yo on my own for a weekend if I am still feeling ill, can we decide closer to the time?'

If you are still ill that weekend then a real man wouldn't leave you. If however you are feeling fine, then there is no problem is there?

This is how grown-up married people sort things out.

I have friends DH can't stand and vice versa. We just don't spend time together.

Ignore James, he isn't your problem he is your DH's dickhead mate who he will probably outgrow.

proudfoot · 30/05/2011 00:28

YABVU and sound totally unhinged. I feel sorry for your DH.