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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my dh to go on some ridiculous "boys' weekend"

194 replies

LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 29/05/2011 21:47

Bit of background:

My husband has a group of close friends, about 6 of them. My dh and I have known this group for about 12 years. One of them is mutual best friend and godfather to ds. Most of the group are now married/cohabiting/and/or have children/full time jobs.

One of the men, we'll call him James, and I don't see eye to eye. This is because James decided he was in love with me about 8 years ago, and I didn't want to be with him and decidedly got with my dh. Dh and James didn't speak for a while about this.

2 years ago dh and I were invited to a wedding. I was pregnant and ill with morning sickness so dh went along with the group of 5 (the 6th getting married). James met a woman there, and my and her swapped numbers as they were all heading to go to the beach the next day and as she wasn't from the area she need directions. Not too sure why it was my dh who had to tell her, but that's by the by and I have long since gotten over that.

James ended up going out with this woman, and recently they broke up about 2 months ago. Dh refused to "hang out" with James while he was with (physically as in, in the house) with the said woman, out of respect for me (I bollocked him for handing out/taking numbers while married etc).

Anyway. James (who lives about 5 hours away) has invited the group of 5 to his house for a long weekend in summer. He lives with his parents. It's to "play X box" and "go to the beach", and no wives/gfs/children are invited.

I'm pregnant (with hyperemesis as many of you know) and have a 1 year old...in August I'll be 22+ weeks. I can't see how this is going to benefit my dh, and I think it's the distance which is the problem. The rest of the group live in Wales where we live, so surely it would make more sense to get James to come here? However James is still 16 in his head and ways and very very stubborn and he's the only one without a house/job/wife/gf/child etc so tries to pull everyone to his type of lifestyle-which really isn't feesible. James is also leader of the pack and the rest don't like to go with the crowd. Am feeling very anxious about the whole bloody thing. Have a wedding June 11th and he'll be there bringing his ex gf (her). He quite happily full on ignores me, and hasn't met ds; yet dh thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread.

AIB a twat?

OP posts:
magicmelons · 30/05/2011 00:35

I've realised reading this thread, that I am officially a grown up (proud).

flyingspaghettimonster · 30/05/2011 02:11

I don't think you are being totally unreasonable - but I do think you are lying to yourself in blaming James for what happened btween this other woman and your husband. Maybe James encourages him, but at the end of the day, if am man cheats, it is no-ones fault but his own.

It sounds to me like your OH owes James a debt for taking the fall for the whole incident with directions woman. It also sounds like your OH is feeling pressured and stressed about the pregnancy so he would like a chance to get away from it, and like you are feeling maybe insecure about everything. Hyperemsis (sp) is hardly conducive to a good sex life, and maybe things are a bit rough at home right now with the toddler too? I don't think you are unreasonable to feel, given the past circumstances and James' character, that you can't deal with your OH being with James for 4 nights. You'd be miserable with jealousy and feeling hard done by with the sickness and child care responsibility...

I think really that if 3 out of the 6 aren't going, your OH shouldn't go either. whilst it might all be xbox and beers at home if the whole gang was there, if it was just two of them, they might be more tempted to go out and act irresponsibly.

Talk to your OH. Why not suggest a 2 night break for him instead of the 4 night one, and with the other guys, not James? You have to confront how you feel about James with your OH really, because in most marriages, if there was a person one partner absolutely loathed and who loathed him or her, it would be reasonable to expect the other partner to support that and stop the friendship.

Good luck, it all sounds pretty horrible.

razzlebathbone · 30/05/2011 03:56

You are all mental.

itisnearlysummer · 30/05/2011 07:27

Well I haven't read all the posts, but FWIW...

I think the past info is irrelevant. I don't see why the back story would have any bearing on it.

However, I had hyperemesis, and it is more than just being pregnant. My DH wouldn't have considered leaving me for a long weekend and checked up on me if he went out for the evening/regularly cancelled evenings out.

My hyperemesis resulted in my baby being born by em. C section 5 weeks early and I was 1/2 stone lighter after giving birth than I was before I got pregnant. I don't think that it's possible to understand just how debilitating it is if you haven't been there.

itisnearlysummer · 30/05/2011 07:30

Have realised more has come to light that I haven't read Confused

ho hum.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 30/05/2011 08:06

You really need to see the light, James can be as much of a cock as he likes but your dh chooses to join in. That is your real problem.

slovenlydotcom · 30/05/2011 08:18

and in your twenties you don't do things to 'benefit' you, you do them because they are fun, no?

my db is 47 and he and 3/4 mates go to my mothers every year for a long weekend and behave like irresponsible teenagers and eat all my mothers cooking

their wives/partners then 'bank' it as someone has said until thye want to go away.

oh and my brother and his mates have been friend for between 30 and 35 years and have supported each other through heartbreak, bereavement, separation and all that life throws. Their partners would never seek to remove that support network because they love them.

I mean 3-4 mates, not a fraction! They can not always all go

altinkum · 30/05/2011 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ruth32 · 30/05/2011 08:56

Ihad awful hyperemesis and no way could look after myself never mind my 1 yr old. My dh was unable to go to his sisters birthday party as I was virtually suicidal it was so bad. It was from week 6 to delivery and was in bed for 7 months. I can sympathise completely and do yanbu.

Al0uiseG · 30/05/2011 09:07

Sounds a bit like children playing at being grown ups.

lesley33 · 30/05/2011 09:18

The problem with being so anti James is that it can almost encourage your DH to defend him and say he isn't that bad. I think you need to step back, let him see James and let him work out for himself that James is a twat.

LeQueen · 30/05/2011 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cannydoit · 30/05/2011 11:25

think you are overreacting big time you obviously dont trust your husband at all. sounds like you need to monitor his movements and behaviour at all times, bare in mind, this james might be a twat but he cant make your husband do anything he doesnt want to and if you are an overbearing nightmare you are likely to push him away with your behaviour.

Original poster
LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 30/05/2011 22:13

Quick question;

How many of you who have replied have suffered with hyperemesis?

If so, how many of you would be fine looking after a 1 year old for 4 days while suffering from it?

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 30/05/2011 22:42

In fairness of the 6 paragraphs you wrote, one line pertained to your hyperemesis and the rest revolved around your hatred of James. It's not suprising posters have focussed on the James/your dh issue rather than your hyperemesis as that appears to be the real issue at play

Original poster
LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 30/05/2011 22:43

Just a straw poll is all....

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 30/05/2011 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SixtyFootDoll · 30/05/2011 22:47

Yabu and self absoebed

mayorquimby · 30/05/2011 22:48

do you think it will validate your position? you could equally do a straw poll of "how many of you have a dh with a friend you hate called james and who declared his love for you in your teens followed by a string of immature acts on both sides" which would probably be equally relevant

LeQueen · 30/05/2011 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Daughteroflilith · 30/05/2011 22:49

Ladyof TheCountryManor I get your point about hyperemesis, but this weekend is in August. It's still May!! OP may be fine by then. As there doesn't seem to be any expense like booking a hotel, he could still cancel if necessary. OP, you sound rather controlling and clingy. Anybody who can't spend 4 days apart from their OH sounds a bit of a bunny boiler.

LeQueen · 30/05/2011 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

K999 · 30/05/2011 22:53

To be honest OP, all of us at some point will have had to look after DCs when we were ill. There are single parents who never have any help at all.

LeQueen · 30/05/2011 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SixtyFootDoll · 30/05/2011 22:56

Self absorbed, I mean. And rather immature.

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