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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my dh to go on some ridiculous "boys' weekend"

194 replies

LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 29/05/2011 21:47

Bit of background:

My husband has a group of close friends, about 6 of them. My dh and I have known this group for about 12 years. One of them is mutual best friend and godfather to ds. Most of the group are now married/cohabiting/and/or have children/full time jobs.

One of the men, we'll call him James, and I don't see eye to eye. This is because James decided he was in love with me about 8 years ago, and I didn't want to be with him and decidedly got with my dh. Dh and James didn't speak for a while about this.

2 years ago dh and I were invited to a wedding. I was pregnant and ill with morning sickness so dh went along with the group of 5 (the 6th getting married). James met a woman there, and my and her swapped numbers as they were all heading to go to the beach the next day and as she wasn't from the area she need directions. Not too sure why it was my dh who had to tell her, but that's by the by and I have long since gotten over that.

James ended up going out with this woman, and recently they broke up about 2 months ago. Dh refused to "hang out" with James while he was with (physically as in, in the house) with the said woman, out of respect for me (I bollocked him for handing out/taking numbers while married etc).

Anyway. James (who lives about 5 hours away) has invited the group of 5 to his house for a long weekend in summer. He lives with his parents. It's to "play X box" and "go to the beach", and no wives/gfs/children are invited.

I'm pregnant (with hyperemesis as many of you know) and have a 1 year old...in August I'll be 22+ weeks. I can't see how this is going to benefit my dh, and I think it's the distance which is the problem. The rest of the group live in Wales where we live, so surely it would make more sense to get James to come here? However James is still 16 in his head and ways and very very stubborn and he's the only one without a house/job/wife/gf/child etc so tries to pull everyone to his type of lifestyle-which really isn't feesible. James is also leader of the pack and the rest don't like to go with the crowd. Am feeling very anxious about the whole bloody thing. Have a wedding June 11th and he'll be there bringing his ex gf (her). He quite happily full on ignores me, and hasn't met ds; yet dh thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread.

AIB a twat?

OP posts:

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 29/05/2011 22:19

Your problem is your DH not James

K999 · 29/05/2011 22:19

Your DH needs to understand how you feel about this issue. From the sounds of it, James isn't going anywhere anytime soon and prob enjoys causing friction. You really need to tell your DH how this affects you. If he genuinely loves you he won't want to have anything to do with James.

KittySpencer · 29/05/2011 22:19

YABU

Your DH is a grown man and can choose his own friends. If he chooses to be friends with a bloke who seems like a twat to you, so be it. I wouldn't expect any partner of mine to dictate who I could or couldn't be friends with and vice versa.

All this drama about him going away for a couple of days seems a bit OTT. It's in August, not next week. Lots can happen by then. If you really feel you will be too ill to cope, perhaps you can get a friend to come and stay with you so you're not on your own....

Leverkusen · 29/05/2011 22:20

why dont you put all the info in the first post ffs.

MonstaMunch · 29/05/2011 22:21

i think i have stumbled into a Mills & Boon book

worraliberty · 29/05/2011 22:21

He then takes dh to the bar and keeps him by his side

Interesting...does he strap him in a buggy to get him there and make him stay or does he nail his feet to the floor?

Original poster

LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 29/05/2011 22:24

You don't understand how much of a child this man is.

If dh comes and sits next to me at the table, James will come over and say something like "I've got something to tell you". Or, "come over to reception/toilet/buffet line I want to talk to you". Dh is a fool and just goes. The frustration is unbelievable. I want dh to just grab him and shake him and tell him to grow up, but I can't do that.

I didn't put all the information in at the start because;

a) takes too long to bastard read
b) might not all have been relevant
c) didn't know to what extent I'd be questioned

OP posts:

TheSecondComing · 29/05/2011 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsCampbellBlack · 29/05/2011 22:26

I think your DH needs to grow up - honestly he's the one behaving badly not James.

Although if this were a book I'd be putting money on you and James ending up together

emmanumber3 · 29/05/2011 22:27

My, I can see myself 11 years ago in your post. I had a 3 year old DS who we were just starting to realise was autistic (i.e. have problems with) & was having a tricky pregnancy with DS2. I remember my DH wanting to go somewhere or other with "the boys" for a few days and I pretty much went into meltdown, thinking all sorts of things just because he wanted to go away for a while at a difficult time. In the end he did go but we both had a miserable time because whenever he phoned to see how myself & DS1 were we ended up arguing.

What I failed to realise or understand at the time was that I was being completely unreasonable & overly possessive. Had the shoe been on the other foot (OK, I know DH couldn't have been pregnant but it's the same principle), I wouldn't have expected him to throw a hissy fit about me having a break with my friends - that didn't happen but, if it had, I would have completely expected it to be my decision whether or not I went - not DH's.

I'm not trying to criticise you because I remember all too well what it feels like - but, with the benefit of hindsight, I know I was wrong & suspect you may be being oversensitive about this. Life is probably not a bed of roses for you at the moment but that probably means that it isn't for your DH either - a little break away with friends may do him a lot of good actually. After all, having fun & a laugh with friends never hurt anyone did it? I'm sorry but just because you can't "escape" for a little break at the moment doesn't mean DH shouldn't.

OK. Lecture over. I'm not great with words but just trying to tell you how a similar situation worked in my own experience.

Hope the hypermesis improves soon .

MrsCampbellBlack · 29/05/2011 22:27

TSC you do make me laugh

magicmelons · 29/05/2011 22:27

yabu, everyone needs their space sometimes. Do you have family that could come and stay to help you out whilst dh goes away.

AKissIsNotAContract · 29/05/2011 22:27

How does James get his pubic hair to come out that easily?

Original poster

LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 29/05/2011 22:29

I'd ask him;

a) If I cared
b) If he liked me enough to give me an answer to report back.

OP posts:

K999 · 29/05/2011 22:30

Maybe that's his party piece and keeps a handful of loose pubes always at the ready?

Original poster

LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 29/05/2011 22:30

what a wanker.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 29/05/2011 22:33

Can you explain this OP (re the 'woman') cos I'm really quite confused.....

Then rang me and told me my husband has an eye for women when he's not with me-which I know isn't true

Worral- no it wasn't just texts and flirting. I don't really want to go into what it was. It's resolved

Have a wedding June 11th and he'll be there bringing his ex gf (her)

Are you sure you trust your DH and you're not using James as a scapegoat for the fact you're worried about other women while he's away?

TheFlyingOnion · 29/05/2011 22:36

Is James this guy's real name? My ex had a friend like this and he was poisonous...

magicmelons · 29/05/2011 22:37

If your dh is happy to still be friends despite the fact that he has feelings for you ( this is the part i find weird my dh isn't particularly jealous but he wouldn't like this) then you just have to allow the friendship and avoid as much as possible, simples.

All sounds very immature tbh, x box, 16 year old feelings that get in the way, jealousy over a phone number, your dh that listens to someone run down his family life.

skyebluepink · 29/05/2011 22:37

If you get wound up and argue with your dh James has effectively won. He's a pisstakjng shitstirring moron. Rise above him and let your dh do whatever stupid boring male shennanagins he wants. Except if you are feeling awful,that goes without saying. You can't control this situation so let it go.

TarquinGyrfalcon · 29/05/2011 22:40

It all sounds very complicated

Why is James' ex going (with him) to the wedding next month

magicmelons · 29/05/2011 22:41

I second worral, pregnancy can make you feel a little insecure, i should know my dh is on a boys night out in another city and i have to try not to think about it too hard.

You obviously feel a little insecure and perhaps feel with "james" around your dh will be encouraged into something or worse yet if your dh puts a foot wrong james will be only too delighted to tell you all about it.

emmanumber3 · 29/05/2011 22:42

Oh, probably should have mentioned above that my DH's group of "lads" also included a hateful twat (not called James though), who actually used to bully me mercilessly in my first job when I was about 18/19. DH did eventually come to realise for himself with a complete knob this guy was & stopped seeing him. He had to realise it for himself though, no amount of me "expressing my opinion" got the message across .

emmanumber3 · 29/05/2011 22:44

what a complete knob - not with .

worraliberty · 29/05/2011 22:48

emma I can't stop laughing!!

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