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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My millionaire sister is leaving her fortune to a dogs' home

124 replies

whatever17 · 29/05/2011 04:16

I don't care, I think she should do what she likes with her money.

My parents were distraught.

The background is that my sister called my DS2 (SN) on his bday. I had tried to manage this and had coached him and called her - she was out. She called back and he had forgotten who she was - he never sees her. I was in the background grimacing and saying "be nice, she will give you presents" he then said "what are my presents?"

I then called her back immediately and said "sorry, it was just bad timing, DS is what he is, it isn't personal".

She flipped and went to our parents saying what a shit he was, etc, etc. Then she used the family website re-writing her will about 7 times - publically. Eventually I asked my Dad to ask her to please use her private email address.

I have never wanted, asked for or expected her money.
The tin hat was that she said, in her will, that she would leave mum's wedding ring (which mum outgrew 20 years ago) to DS1, not me or DS2. I have told DS1 never to accept it.

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 29/05/2011 04:30

what are your sons special needs?
why does he never see her?
and what was she going to do with the money before this?
its up to your DS1 if he wants the ring or not if its left to him - not you.
does she not understand your other sons condition?

tbh - if i was as distant to someone as you sound like your sister is toward you and your family i wouldnt expect to be left vast sums in their will. im not quite getting what your problem is?

iscream · 29/05/2011 04:32

Why can't ds1 have the wedding ring?

empirestateofmind · 29/05/2011 04:52

Why can't your mum get her ring adjusted so it fits?

It doesn't sound like you are close to your sister- like vicar I wonder why you don't see her.

I wouldn't be expected to be left money by siblings/aunts/uncles. Plus I wouldn't be talking to any of my DCs about expectations of inheritance. It all appears very unsavoury and avaricious to me.

TheBride · 29/05/2011 05:25

Maybe your sister already feels as though she is the family "go to" for all things financial or perhaps somewhat resents the assumption that she won't get married and/or have her own children who will inherit her money

I think you were wrong to give your son the "be nice- she'll give you presents" as you basically prompted him to ask her, and if she's already feeling the family only call/ see her when they want something, you can see how it spiraled.

You should not be bringing your sons into this, or discussing the content of their aunt's will with them.

I dont understand the bit about the website- do you own a will writing service or something, or why DS2 would get the ring anyway.

Haecceity · 29/05/2011 06:09

"Be nice, she will give you presents?"

I'm actually not surprised she's pissed off. I would be.

My children have sn (autism). I can tell you that you should never try to manage their behaviour by making them "be nice" so that someone will give them presents, because they WILL say something. Plus it's teaching them that they should be nice and people will always give them stuff.only be nice to people who will give them stuff, which clearly isn't true

She is certainly going off the deep end though and it's quite childish of her to be so public. She certainly seems to be wanting to pass a message!

It is certainly unforgiveable of her to call him a little shit. I would hit the bloody roof if someone called my child that. They'd have burned all their bridges with me with those words.

At the end of the day, it is nobody's business but hers what she does with her money, so you are right to not give a damn on that.

re the ring, she's leaving it to your eldest son. That seems a reasonable thing to do. I don't think you should be silly about that. She understands the importance of that staying in the family (I assume she has no children of her own to pass the ring on to?)

Goblinchild · 29/05/2011 08:02

You mishandled the situation by prompting him, it's exactly what my son would have said when he was younger if I'd said 'she will give you presents'
She doesn't know him at all if she got offended by his bluntness.
You are right not to care who she leaves her money to.
People's money is theirs to do with as they wish, my uncle was expected to leave his cash to my mother as his nearest relative.
Instead of which, he left £950,000 to the NSPCC.
That's how it goes.
What response are you looking for by posting?

coccyx · 29/05/2011 08:06

Good for her.
I hate the expectation that people have about inheritance.

ajandjjmum · 29/05/2011 08:09

Her money, her choice.

I do think it's sad that there is no-one she loves more than a bunch of dogs though.

AuntieMonica · 29/05/2011 08:13

i think there's a lot more to this Hmm

why on earth did you coach you DS (with SN or not, same difference in this instance) with promises of gifts from someone he doesn't know, and then use his SN as an excuse?

and then for the situation to escalate into a row about wedding rings and money, i think you are bothered where the money is going, and make more out of it than you admit.

diddl · 29/05/2011 08:19

Why does it matter that she intends to give the wedding ring to DS1?

tiredfeet · 29/05/2011 08:25

'Be nice she will give you presents'

'My parents are distraught'

No wonder she's leaving her money to some dogs! She must feel like she's seen as an atm not a member of your family. It sounds like your all hoping she dies soon so you can get your hands on the money!

Callisto · 29/05/2011 08:27

You sound amazingly shallow OP. 'Be nice she will give you presents.' Jesus, your poor son.

meditrina · 29/05/2011 08:36

It's not unusual to leave a family ring to the eldest of the next generation.
Especially if she's a younger sister.

"Be nice and she'll give you presents" was a mistake on your behalf, especially as you say she and DS2 never see each other.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 29/05/2011 08:59

Sorry, I don't think I understand half of what is going on here. There seems to be a LOT going on behind the scenes here - what's the reason that your DS never sees your sister? Does she find it difficult to be around kids with SN?

I have to say - if anybody - let alone a family member - called my children little shits on a public website (does anybody really read this, btw???? is it a famous website, if not, whatever...) then that alone would count her out. Nor do I understand teh ref. to the private email? Confused

You've said 'her money her choice'.

But you're not acting like it - you souind more annoyed about what she said about your DS - understandably.

I think the coacihng about presents was - sorry - disgusting. WTF message is that to give to ANY person - SN or not????

From what you posted - which I don't think is sufficient for anybody to give helpful feedback - I don't think that you will get much sympathy. What was the point of your post anyway - to say how awful her behaviour was? Look at what might be behind it? You're better placed to judge than we are...

SunshineisSorry · 29/05/2011 09:20

blimey whatever, your life is very confusing at the moment, what with millionaire sisters leaving money to dogs homes, no women and children at funerals but being asked to jet off to the states to attend memorial of woman you hardly know.

TragicallyHip · 29/05/2011 09:22

She may have gone over the top but what do you expect her to do when you have said "Be nice she will give you presents"?

You have a family website? Confused

TheFlyingOnion · 29/05/2011 09:26

she can do what she likes.

As far as the ring goes, she'll be dead. she won't know where it ends up...

but, why would you want it? Doesn't sound like you're close enough to want something that personal when she dies...

onagar · 29/05/2011 09:50

I hate the idea of people expecting money in someone's will, but there may have been some misunderstanding of the OP here.

"she will give you presents" was surely referring to it being his birthday THAT DAY. Trying to encourage a child with difficulties to be on his best behaviour?

Surely you've all said things like "you will write a thank you note to granny or you won't get any more presents"?

Surely it's the case that DS2 is being blamed for having special needs and not being able to manage an adult conversation. Do we approve of him being a called a shit for that?

Northernlurker · 29/05/2011 09:56

Is she planning on dying soon? Surely her will will only hopefully be of relevance in about 50 years? Hmm

Tbh though I like the sound of your sister ('shit' remark excepted) much more than you!

AuntieMonica · 29/05/2011 09:56

onagar i understand what you are saying but isn't it wrong to teach ANY child to expect presents from a person they don't know?

TidyDancer · 29/05/2011 09:57

Why is she not close to your DS?

Nothing wrong with the will at all, good on her. If plan to benefit an animal charity in my will as well.

Does seem to be some screwy family dynamics here though.

Do you think your sister had reason to flip at what your DS said, or do you believe her to be a generally unreasonable character?

TidyDancer · 29/05/2011 09:58

Btw, you have no right to dictate what your DS can accept in someone's will. You mustn't instruct him in that way, that's awful.

wikolite · 29/05/2011 10:01

"Be nice and she will give you presents"

I wouldn't give you a thing either and I think using his SN as an excuse is pitiful to be honest.

onagar · 29/05/2011 10:03

AuntieMonica, oh yes it's not the best way, but as I said I reckon most people would say the same thing and do use it to blackmail kids into saying thank you afterwards

TidyDancer, if sister is saying that she is giving something to DS2 because DS1 is SN and can't manage an adult conversation then surely any decent person would say to DS2 don't take it?

sausagesandmarmelade · 29/05/2011 10:07

I was in the background grimacing and saying "be nice, she will give you presents" he then said "what are my presents?"

Picked up on this....

Not a very good lesson to teach a 2 year old...and what he said was in response to your comment. He's only 2 after all.

I think it is up to your sister to do exactly what she pleases with her money. Your comment above shows you very much care about material things...and she probably just wants to be loved and accepted for who she is (not for what she has OR what she potentially gives).

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