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AIBU?

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Original poster

How old should little boys be when they use the men's room instead of the Ladies' room with Mum?

321 replies

missinglalaland · 26/05/2011 17:50

I only have two girls, so I don't know the ins and outs of parenting boys. Sometimes I am surprised at the height and age of boys being steered into the "ladies" room by their mothers. Often with Fathers waiting outside!!! (Lazy gits.) I am thinking that in a place like a train station you should expect to see mum's being fairly protective, but I get a bit annoyed in places like National Trust toilets, when the boys seem embarrassed/interested.

What's the proper etiquette?

OP posts:
ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 27/05/2011 15:51

I have a problem with this issue.

My son has fairly obvious SN and is a very tall 10 year old.

If we're out alone and I need the loo he cannot be left, he must come with me. If he needs the loo, he cannot go in alone (extremely vulnerable, plus he may try to eat the urinal cakes)

He refuses to come into a disabled toilet with me because (in his own words) I want to use the toilet in private and I don't want to see mummy have a poo Blush

Which is fair enough tbh. We're just starting to get dirty looks now (always seemed a bit daft to me, all he can see is handwashing ) but what on earth am I supposed to do with him ? The boy is entitled to use the toilet and do so privately ! Confused

MrsBananaGrabber · 27/05/2011 16:31

How is this even being debated. Do people think that their DD's safety is a priority over our DS's. Sometimes MN really riles me with it's anti male stance and this is just an extention of that.

I don't want my MIL near me or the DC's.....well fuck the fact that she is the DH's MOTHER.

Oh, I just found out i'm pregnant with a BOY, i'm so disappointed.....cue hundreds of posts expressing sympathy.

How dare a mother with a BOY bring him into the womens loo, lets just leave the poor sods to wade through shitty male toilets alone then shall we.

I have two DS's and a DD and i'm fucking sick of it.........I think I need a break from MN.

TakeItOnTheChins · 27/05/2011 17:10

Right. With things like this, you have to balance risk with benefit.

For instance, if the question were "Is it safe to let my 8 year old cycle round the block with his friends" you have to balance the possible risks, with the benefits of letting a child have a little bit of freedom.

I can see no benefits in a child using the gents, as opposed to the ladies loo.

The risks, although small, ARE there. Children DO get abused in toilets. It's rare, but it happens.

So I will be taking my boys into the ladies for the foreseeable future, thanks all the same; there is no good reason NOT to.

Anyone who feels uncomfortable with a male CHILD in the cloakroom - as opposed to in the actual cubicle with them - needs to maybe stick to their own bathroom, since they obviously have ishoos.

Oh and the disabled loos? They are NOT for the sole use of disabled people. Disabled people take priority, but if there are no disabled people waiting, there is no reason why you can't nip in with your child.

Continuum · 27/05/2011 17:26

ds is 7 and I never even thought of this being an issue, he's just a kid! As for being embarrassed, what's that all about?!? Girls, willies and urinals I kind of get, tho they're just willies, but women's toilets cubicles? Is it something about, you know, being less "manly" or some sexist shite like that?

ChaoticAngelbitchfromhell · 27/05/2011 17:45

My prior experiences have often been that women and girls should put up and shut up while men should not be expected to put up with inconvenience.

GiddyPickle · 27/05/2011 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 27/05/2011 17:51

It is very strange that in RL I just don't see boys in the ladies or the swimming pool female changing rooms with mother, and yet on MN it seems to be the thing. I'm surprised that boys put up with it-mine woldn't after the age of 6 yrs. In fact I remember going somewhere, possibly the Natural History Museum where the notice said boys only up to 6 yrs in the ladies.
Most definitely after 8yrs they should be in the gents and male changing rooms.

TheCrackFox · 27/05/2011 17:51

My old high school was recently knocked down and replaced with a new swanky school with uni-sex toilets! Was in the papers and everything.

Pixel · 27/05/2011 18:10

Oh dear, haven't managed to read all this (will catch up later) but if it's me that has caused all this upset, I did say that my 11 yo couldn't wait for the disabled loo because of ASD related bowel probs. I thought that was enough of a clue. I was really just making the point that I didn't see the problem in taking him in the ladies as he's not going to see anything he shouldn't, and the same goes for younger boys too. I'm certainly not going in the stinky gents with him! (What do men do in there anyway, to make it so unpleasant?).

foreverondiet · 27/05/2011 18:41

TBH I don't think it matters as in toilets all woman totally dressed doing toilet in cubicles its not like gym changing rooms. I personally wouldn't care if an older boy was in public toilets but it annoys me in gym as I am getting undressed in public (no cubicles).

MrsDaffodill · 27/05/2011 18:59

My brother had a hugely unpleasant experience in a public toilet in South East Asia when he was 12 but looked far older.

I reserve the right to do my utmost to protect DS from similar. Obviously not by keeping him in the Ladies with me until he's an adult, but judging on a case by case situation and sometimes reserving the right to take him into the ladies when he'll do no more than see a closed door.

I agree there is sometimes an anti-boy bias from mothers who only have girls. Our boys are also our BABIES sometimes bigger babies than the girls, as they mature more slowly!

exoticfruits · 27/05/2011 18:59

It would annoy me. I still don't understand why I go to public loos all over the place and have yet to see a boy over the age of about 7yrs.

exoticfruits · 27/05/2011 19:01

My boys would say 'I'm abig boy now', MrsDaffodill! (of course I still see them as my babies-but they wouldn't let me get awaywith taking them into the ladies!!)

Pixel · 27/05/2011 19:01

Have read the rest now. To whoever said 'homosexual doesn't equal pervert' and that boys aren't usually at risk from gay men, I totally agree. However, having lived all my life in a city known as the 'gay capital' I know for a fact that toilets are often places where men meet to have sex, in certain parts of town anyway. I can quite easily understand why people wouldn't want their sons of whatever age to witness such things. Sex in a toilet is pretty sordid IMO whoever you happen to be and as an adult I wouldn't want to see it, so why should children be expected to risk it? I think older boys who would understand more of what was going on would be more embarrassed than younger ones if anything.

exoticfruits · 27/05/2011 19:05

The problem is that eventually you will have to let your DC go into the gents without you. You can get away with it at 9yrs, but it gets more difficult after that, and you can't have a 12yr old in the ladies with you.

Pixel · 27/05/2011 19:18

Oh I know. Just saying I understand why people can be concerned. Some kids are more able to cope with these things than others so parents and children should be more free to judge on an individual basis when they feel ready. It's not fair on more timid kids to make them feel embarrassed or guilty for needing a little bit more time to be independent.

seeker · 27/05/2011 19:28

Has anybody said that they, as adult women, would be embarrassed by the presence f a boy in the ladies loo? If they ahve, I must have missed it. People are getting very heated about somehting that I don;t think anyone has actually said!

The embarrasment, if any, might be felt by the boy concerned, and maybe by girl children using the loo.

The greater concern is the effect on boy children of not being allowed to be boys and got to the loo intended for males. It's not good for anyone to be prevented for developing independence and having respect or recognition of their gender. It is one of our responsibilites as mothers to enourage boys to be proud of who they are, and proud of their maleness. Making them use women's loos at the age ot 10 will not do this.

exoticfruits · 27/05/2011 19:32

I would have had to have dragged mine into the ladies at 10 yrs (or even 8yrs) How do people manage it? (I still don't understand why I never see all these boys in the ladies-and I just don't. I can think of one DS of about 9yrs, but he had SN and so of course no one minded)

MrsDaffodill · 27/05/2011 19:56

Sorry, yes, I know that my DS will have to grow away from me. He already is and he already goes to the gents in a wide range of places, probably 98% of the time, to be honest. I certainly get "I am a big boy" an awful lot!! He also walks to our local post box, rides ahead on his bike, etc.

The kind of scenarios I am still not happy to let him go alone are ones like railway stations with turnstiles where I worry it is an awful lot to manage and he would be well out of earshot if he needed me. Likewise, I am not happy with those underground loos at some of the Royal parks.

I think mothers of boys do have a range of things to weigh up and that I, personally, would prefer to be the one doing the weighing up not have someone who has never met my son and never parented a son judging for me when he should be ready! And also that my paranoia does not come from the Daily Mail but from my own brother's experience. I was there that day, it was not nice.

bustersgirl · 27/05/2011 20:12

I have 4 DS and a DD, and whilst i'm alone with DS all of them use the ladies, my eldest is nearly 9 and he will be using the ladies till he is a bit older and i really don't care what others say. Whilst with DH they use the mens.

SauvignonBlanche · 27/05/2011 20:17

My DS (who has AS) refused to use anything other than the Gents from age 7 as, "that's the rule Mum".

seeker · 27/05/2011 20:26

But will people STOP saying this is an anti boy thread - or a thread saying tha adult women are embarrassed by the presnece of boys in the loo or a thread suggesting tha boys become sex pests at the age of 8?

DuelingFanjo · 27/05/2011 20:30

F**K me! Is this something I am going to have to have endless debates about when my 5 mth old DS is older Confused

cantspel · 27/05/2011 20:37

i only have boys so this is a serious question.

What about girls. Do you expect your husband to take your 8, 9, 10 year old daughter into the gents with him and if so how does that work. Does he have to clear all the men out so he can take your daughter in or does he just rush her past the urinals into a cubicle?

exoticfruits · 27/05/2011 20:40

I certainly get "I am a big boy" an awful lot!!

Thank goodness for that. I can't believe all these boys who meekly go with Mum without kicking up a fuss! The girls go into the ladies, on their own when with Dad cantspel-I would be very surprised if and 8yr old girl wanted to go in the gents.

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