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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How old should little boys be when they use the men's room instead of the Ladies' room with Mum?

321 replies

missinglalaland · 26/05/2011 17:50

I only have two girls, so I don't know the ins and outs of parenting boys. Sometimes I am surprised at the height and age of boys being steered into the "ladies" room by their mothers. Often with Fathers waiting outside!!! (Lazy gits.) I am thinking that in a place like a train station you should expect to see mum's being fairly protective, but I get a bit annoyed in places like National Trust toilets, when the boys seem embarrassed/interested.

What's the proper etiquette?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 28/05/2011 13:20

As soon as I printed it lesley I realised that a DS who was in the ladies at 9yrs wasn't going to be out alone at 11yrs.
I wonder why parents don't seem to do 'what would you do if.....'
Although mine went into the gents on their own at a young age we had worked out the what if........
(If you were going to act as if it might happen at anytime you wouldn't go through your front door and it gives the message that the world is a terrible place-and only Mum can keep you safe-not a message I want to give.)

lesley33 · 28/05/2011 13:35

I totally agree exoticfruit. Children need to learn gradually how to deal with the challenges of the world. After all, all boys at sometime in their life, are going to have to go to the men's toilet without an accompanying dad/relative. Surely teaching them to do it gradually makes more sense e.g. standing outside as your DS goes to the mens and gradually doing less over time so they can go without you hovering and know what to do if there are any problems.

And lots of this thread assumes mens toilets are scary places and ladies toilets are an idyll. That isn't the case. Girls/women have been raped in ladies toilets by men - very rare but does happen. There are female drug users who discard needles and female thugs who bully and intimidate.

I know it can be scary to let go of your children, but it is a crucial part of the job as a mother.

SurreyDad · 28/05/2011 13:37

Disabled toilets are not exclusively for the use of the disabled. They are merely designated for the use of the disabled because they are big enough for therm to use, and for a carer to assist if necessary.

lesley33 · 28/05/2011 13:38

It depends. Lots of disabled toilets can only be accessed with a radar key. You can't get a radar key unless you or your children are disabled.

exoticfruits · 28/05/2011 13:46

When I have to help my mother go to the disabled loos I would be very put out to find them being taken up by an over anxious mother.

exoticfruits · 28/05/2011 13:48

To the person who said that they knew 2 secondary schoos with mixed loos-that I would find scary-going in as a shy 11yrold girl and finding a group of 14yr old boys-I can see I would have crossed my legs all day!

nagynolonger · 28/05/2011 14:29

I found it a bit strange when I went for an evening class there! But it works OK apparently. The cubicle doors all open onto the wash basin area. There are no corners to hide behind.......people just do what they are intended to do wash their hands and go.

nagynolonger · 28/05/2011 14:35

It was done to stopped DC who were too frightend to use the old toilets crossing their legs all day. I can remember not wanting to use the toilets at school......some bigger girls can be intimidating.

TheCrackFox · 28/05/2011 14:38

At my schools the girls were far scarier than the boys. I knew a lot of girls who didn't go to the loo all day.

fairydoll · 28/05/2011 14:41

I think my DSs would have been mortified at going into the ladies once they were about 5.Can kids really not use the loo by themselves??

Cain · 28/05/2011 15:10

I would have loved to be able to wrap ds in bubble wrap, segregate him from all unpleasantness and take him to private toilets but it would have been for my benefit not his.
He goes to the mens and I go to the ladies and that has been the case since around 6 or 7 depending on the location.
He clearly values his independence and I value that highly. It hasn't stopped me worrying and if he was in there longer than I thought realistically necessary I would be prepared to push open the door of the mens and shout 'any time today DS...?' and check for his ok.

NotaMopsa · 28/05/2011 23:13

lesley33 Of come on Notamopsa - how could a sexual predator interfere with a child in crowded toilets

You are quite wrong Lesley and yes i do know this

many sexual offences take place in public places - very public...in broad daylight

It's ignorant to think otherwise

exoticfruits · 28/05/2011 23:20

It might be ignorant but you can't live your life without boys being able to go to a public toilet.
Why do people never discuss with their DC 'what if....' In a crowded toilet the DS needs to shout loudly-if it was crowded someone would come to his rescue. I know a ladies toilet where a woman was murdered by a man who was in there-she was completely random. People still use the toilet-I use it.
It doesn't help boys not to let them assess risk and know what to do in a crisis. At some point-most definitely by 12 yrs they can't go in the toilet with mother.

exoticfruits · 28/05/2011 23:20

Most sexual offences take place in the home.

NotaMopsa · 28/05/2011 23:57

of course not but you have to be aware and not mock people for protecting their under 10's

letthembe · 29/05/2011 00:08

I let my DS (8) use gents toilets in certain environments - museums, art galleries, cafes, etc as long as they are close to the Ladies, pretty quiet and clean. Otherwise it's the ladies or disabled. My mine concern is hygiene - blokes toilets can be so smelly, guys never seem to learn the art of aiming properly.
And exotic fruit most child abuse happens in the home by someone the child knows!!

NotaMopsa · 29/05/2011 00:12

i agree they are very dirty places - generally i would not let my 8 year old out of sight in a public place

i doubt women would want their daughters aged 5-10 to disappear into a dirty mens loo - why let your sons?

lesley33 · 29/05/2011 00:27

Notamopsa - You know that I did not say that sexual offences do not take place in public in broad daylight. That would be a ridiculous thing to say! I have been flashed at a few times in broad daylight in parks and scarily once followed with a number of approaches made by the man one afternoon.

What I said is that an adult is not going to sexually abuse a 9,10,11 year old in a toilet when there are lots of other people in the toilets. As I said any child this age would tell someone to go away or ask for help from the adults round about if by some miracle nobody had seen what was happening.

This is very very different from saying sexual offences don't happen in public places.

Either you are not reading the other posters views properly, or you actually don't have any arguments against points I and others raise, so you twist what was posted.

lesley33 · 29/05/2011 00:29

Most mens toilets have urinals. It is not appropriate for a young girl to see strangers genitals. And I'm sure it would freak out the men too. Can you really not see why girls going into a men's toilets is a problem?

NotaMopsa · 29/05/2011 00:34

lesley - not neccessarily

some children do not speak out when approached

lesley33 · 29/05/2011 00:36

If a 9,10,11 year old who doesn't have SEN would not speak out if approached in a sexual manner by an adult, with lots of people round about in a small space, then there are bigger problems present than whether they need to be escorted to public toilets.

whatever17 · 29/05/2011 00:39

It depends on the circumstances I think. DS2 is 11 but has SN. If it was a local toilet in a local cafe and I could see all the exits I would let him go in alone, without waiting outside but whilst watching from my table.

If possible I get my Dad or DS1 to go with him. If we are somewhere really random and, I feel, high risk and I have no men with me I would send him in to the men's and wait right outside. If 5 minutes had gone by I would ask a Dad to go in and call his name. 7 minutes and I'm going in after him.

If we were at a swimming pool I would take him into a lockable family changing room but I wouldn't let him go in the men's alone for the amount of time it would take him to dress - and find his clothes! I also woulddn't think it appropriate to take him into the women's anymore. The mums would probably be OK but girls might be upset. And I wouldn't want a confrontation.

MavisEnderby · 29/05/2011 00:42

ds (7) has started using the mens toilets (his choice)

letthembe · 29/05/2011 00:42

The decision is with the parent based on where you are and what your child is like. I will not be dictated to my someone else, especially if their understanding of boys is limited.

lesley33 · 29/05/2011 00:48

I think it is totally different if your child has SN. I used to do respite care for SN children and their families. One boy I did this with, for quite a few years, did not look disabled at all. But in reality a lot of his thinking was like a 3 year old when for example he was 11. He had absolutely no sense of danger and would happily have wandered off with anyone.

There is absolutely no way I would have let him go into any public toilet alone. Apart from the danger side, he was at risk of playing for example in the water in the toilet bowl. If it was available I took him to a disabled one. But there weren't many disabled toilets around then so most of the time I had to take him into the ladies. I got some very strange looks.

But I have 4 children of my own - none with SN. All were capable of going into public toilets alone by the time they were 6.

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