Bored by full-time motherhood

[boredtodeath]

I was made redundant last year after 12 years in a very demanding job. I decided to view it as a positive thing (I got a decent redundancy package so was not in financial dire straits) and throw myself into finally having time to be with my children aged 6 and 2. The only trouble is that I am unspeakably bored. Has anyone else felt this way or am I just a horrible mother? I adore them both but I feel like the household maid rather than the Mary Poppins-esque woman I had hoped to be. Where am I going wrong? Is there anyone out there who feels the same?

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

I would die of boredom within weeks as a stay at home mum. School holidays are lovely (I'm a teacher) but always very glad to get back to work again after them.

Years ago I can remember talking to my first friend to have a child (think we were 17ish) and asking her what she'd been up to that day or something. She said "well we got dressed and had breakfast and went for a walk to the park to feed the ducks. That was the morning gone". I could feel myself tightening up in horror and thinking that I would NEVER have children if that's what they did to what was once your life!!

I never did have children intentionally but once I knew I was having them I knew I'd have to stay working to stay sane. I'm afraid I put them into day nursery at 2 months old each time! I don't believe it did them any harm and if it has then I think it's done them less harm than being around me all day every day while I went quietly insane. They're 8 and 4 now and delightful to be with just ... not all day every day thank you!

I feel for you OP.

Xenia for the record my DH has volunteered to swap roles - however, after several years out his career has over taken mine, plus his is more stable and mine is more cyclical so it makes financial sense that his career is pushed.

I still think that most young children would prefer spending their time with a bored parent than a worker at a nursery (some of whom are as bored as the parent I'm sure).

I feel for you Christine - that sounds tough. I count my blessings to have my dh - even if we drive each other up the wall sometimes, I can't imagine having nobody to talk to at all (although it is harder sometimes iyswim, as we do only have each other. Sometimes it might be better if it was just me as I find I rely on him - if it was just me I would be more likely to hold it together for longer. Not sure if that's a good thing or not!)
I remember my mum getting childcare as a single parent and how much of a lifeline that was.
I do understand the lonliness. I think that's the worst bit. Well-meaning people pop in and out, but what they don't understand is that I need consistency!

Threelittleducks try looking up your local branch of a charity you're intereted in, check out if you have a local volunteer council (google it), check your council website for committees/opportunities you can join and tell them what you have to offer.

I can honestly say without the volunteer work I would have gone round the twist. I've been offered jobs on the back of it (not jobs that fit with my plan but jobs that are interesting) but that's not the reason I do it. I donut because it makes me feel useful, valuable and like I actually have a brain.

Be persistent. Be flexible in what you take on (you can always swap to something else later) but stick to things that work around you.

Threelittleducks-Brilliantly written (all of it). You SHOULD write a book.

does anyone really think a SAHM stays at home all day every day, if they do they are seriously lacking imagination. i have been a SAHM for 4 1/2 years now and i wish the days were longer, i have some really good friends, some that work and some that don't. we go out almost every day, adult company and conversation, as and when i want it. interesting and sometimes bizzare conversations with DD. how can that be boring?

I am going to do further study. I've been doing an MSc and working part-time and find that the days I am off with my son and study are the best balance for me. I don't think I could do five days a week at home and just fit study around it so I hope to find funding so I can access some childcare. For me, I find it easier to be structured with study and switch it on and off than I can with work because I am better with self-directed projects than doing a lot of the bureacratic stuff required in my salaried post.. so I am hoping that will give me balance over the "small children" years and keep up my skills etc.

Everyone has to find their own way.

There's a book called "Maternal Desire" about this, author escapes me. It was at our local library. I found it very thought provoking.. about reflecting on what you want as a woman (which is different for different people).

I find huge amounts ofthe time I spend with my son hugely rewarding and always much more so than work (even though I find that very rewarding). It's different, more elemental. However, when I was on extended mat leave at 13 months, I found that not having the time to have an "intellectual me" prevented me from being able to be totally there in the moment with him. That's what I get out of the slowness of being at home and it's what I can give to, to me it feels very much like I am in touch with something that feels very real when compared to the next crappy work email etc. That's the luxury of the choice that you can have to stay home when all things are equal and the money is there.. you can have some of those moments and fuck it, they are precious.

Yet it's not the whole picture, it's not everything. One day he will grow up and I don't want to be that mother who has given everything to her kids who feels swallowed alive by her empty nest. I don't think that's what I want to model either, not to him or any future daughter or DIL I may have.

It doesn't bother me what any other woman decides to do, I don't understand the bile that's reserved by some for those who have chosen a different lifestyle to their own.. but I think this SAHM/Part Timer/WOHM/WAHM stuff is complex.

Just when i think i can't be arsed with MN anymore, a thread like this pops up which makes you realise how unique, life-affirming and useful it can be. i applaud everyone for their eloquence and honesty: it certainly makes me feel better (currently SAHM, through circumstance as opposed to choice - relocation abroad etc.). yes, working and being a parent is tough, but - for me - it was infinitely less tricky than i find being a SAHM, however much i love my child.

Recently i have a had a recurring dream where i am back in my final year of university trying to alter my future path - and this after a successful decade of a fulfilling career and a beautiful (now nearly 3yo) son, living "the dream" (ironic emoticon)in a beautiful part of the world with a caring partner...where did it all go right, yet somehow feel so wrong at times? i really have little constructive to add, just to say i'm glad i'm not alone in sometimes contemplating the day ahead with dread and guilt.

boredtodeath - no YA definately NBU!
I often have times like this. I work two days a week and have 2 DCs. I LOVE working 2 days a week as it's a holiday in comparison to being at home. I am definately not a 'get-down-on-the-floor-play-with-kids' type of mum. Though my DP loves playing with them. I quite often feel guilty about that as we're always told, 'enjoy these years, they grow so quickly'.

Anyway sometimes I literally feel so frustrated with being a SAHM. I am bascially repeating the same domestic tasks again and again and again. I am at the beck and call of what my DCs need. Of course it is not any other way as I am taking care of their basic needs. I have given up on toddler groups, I can't face it the second time round. I am terrible at joining in at the playground especially when my DS wants me to play pirates or something. And I don't do arts and crafts. Still I do feel quite guilty about it all.

I know a mum who is just the most cheerful, happy person, with really calm kids. She's always baking, or doing arts and crafts etc and she loves it. She's always wanted to be a mum. I did always want to be a mum also but I thought i'd enjoy it more.

Anyway I sound completely moany but not meaning to be, i just find it quite difficult. And just completely empathising with you OP.

i think society presents us with a strange picture of the sahm. either we're martyred to the cause, constantly baking, dusting, stimulating the sprogs, or we're in joyous ecstasy with the sacred task in hand, endlessly patient and giving.

i have been a sahm for 8 1/2 years and relate to EVERYTHING on this thread - including the contradictory ones. i think that this makes me a normal, changeable, contradictory human being. my time ah is about to end as my youngest starts school in sept and i feel very conflicted about it, and that's not because i have somehow lost my identity, or confidence, or employability (i've studied and worked here and there for the whole time, but very sporadically). it's more to do with the fact that, for all the boredom (and there has been a lot of that), drudgery etc, i genuinely believe that being ah with my preschool children is the most important job i can do, and i will miss having such a valuable task. the tedium doesn't invalidate the job.

i recognise that the op hasn't chosen to be a sahm. but, op, until you get a job (which you will), can you find ways of shifting your prespective? there are some great suggestions on how to not lose the plot on this thread. while i take issue with the somewhat sanctimonious tone of some of the posters, i would agree that it's your life, and, to a certain extent, up to you to determine how bored you get.

for me, sahm-hood is freedom. i'm kinda invisible, and i like that. i love that i have a completely different relationship with myself because of my "time out" from the world. i know myself much, much better. and i'd rather have my life ruled (not that it is) by my lovely children than the Man!

I really enjoyed the first few years at home - but it has slowly it ground me down. I had plans to keep my OU study going but money and time turned out to be in very short supply and I've only just got back to it.

I want to volunteer but have found nothing suitable for September so far when I'll be down to one at home.

What getting me down at the minute is a lot of my friends are trickling back to work or training - they have family childcare available to bridge gap between starting work and getting childcare in place - we don't. DH is away a lot and works long hours and I think I've shot myself in the foot as childcare has always been down by me - he doesn't get the cost or the fact you have to be there at certain time. I'm also conflicted not wanting to miss school vents for the younger ones but desperate not to end up stuck at home forever and becoming irrelevant.

I try and make the most of the time - and having them around but it can be so hard especially if its a bad day and conversation at toddler groups can be so repetitive. If I could get a plan fixed for the future and get past the fear that I am stuck forever at home - I'd be happier.

You so not alone boredtodeath.

See, I wouldn't be bored as a SAHM. At all. I have always worked full time since my (only) child was 12 weeks old.I love the the fact that my job now - not previously, I worked in an office til he was three and I went back to do a PGCE- means that I don't have to find childcare for holidays - if I am working at school in hols, my son can come with and racket around the playground with carefully chosen friend spend time with me. Damned hard to spend any time with him other than tea and bed time during term time though.

But I would LOVE to do all that hobby/spend time with friends/ do interesting visits stuff, that we can only do when not at work.

I am unashamedly jealous and a bit that if we do manage to have number two, I will have to go back to full time work asap.

Grass always greener?

Sorry you aren't feeling happy, OP, and I hope things will sort themselves/you will reconcile yourself to situation soon. x

I've been a SAHM for three years now, and though I never saw myself as the "mother earth" type before having children, and didn't even really like kids, I do on balance love it.

Yes there is a lot of boring drudgery that makes you want to bash your head against the wall. Oh to be rich and have someone do all the housework and cooking!

I love playing with my toddler and baby and if there was someone to do all the shite stuff for me every day, I would happily play with them for most of the day. I find them funny and interesting and they make me laugh more than anyone else ever has, and I like getting down on the floor with them and playing silly games. This must make me infantile! I read a lot of mums here on MN saying they hate this part of parenting, and I can really understand that, even though I love it. I think if you hate it then being a SAHP is a really bad idea as imo this is really the most rewarding part of being a SAHP - playing, going to feed the ducks, etc etc, so if you hate all that get back to work pronto imo!!

For me the other perks of being a SAHM (aside from the kids) are:

1. having head space to think about who I am and where I want to go in life, what I really want out of life, in terms of work, family, finance, spiritual fulfilment, health and fitness, hobbies etc, in other words working out what my priorities are and will be, and I think so far this has made me a stronger more mature person.

1. taking advantage of this opportunity to improve the skills I will need for getting back into my career, in my case keeping up and improving my French and Spanish (so listening to the radio, reading newspapers and novels, keeping up with my industry, etc) and learning a new language

1. again using the head space to make myself psychologically stronger (v important as many have said here being a SAHM can make you mental !) reflecting on my past feelings and decisions at different stages in my life, coming to terms with past hurts and practicing ways to be a more positive thinker and emotionally stronger person. In my case this "section" includes learning about buddhism, meditation, spiritual faith, yoga.

1. enjoying the outdoors and nature - who said being a SAHP meant you had to sit at home? A real perk is to be rolling around on the grass with my kids on a sunny afternoon instead of sitting in front of my computer ruining my vision.

I know these perks are personal to me OP, but I hope they may give you some ideas or a new perspective maybe? Use this time to make yourself stronger in ways work can't! When you're back working you mightn't have the chance. Remember this is just for a time and then you have the rest of your life to work.

Oh, I'm really enjoying this thread, thank you for your righteous rage threelittleducks and your uplifting ideas petisa and your honesty, everyone.

I've taken a step down, career-wise, from a lawyer working long hours and weekends to a legal advisory role that's three days a week and strictly 9-5. It's still fulfilling, but it doesn't have the status nor the money. Now that DD is 2.5 I find I can do a lot more with her, so I've got very into arty crafty things, and cooking with her, and activities, and I also put a lot of energy into having a well-run home, menu planning and decluttering and redecorating, and teaching myself to sew. So the excess energy that used to go to paid work goes entirely to being a better mother and homemaker. You blossom where you're planted, as beesimo says.

But then I get my own mother telling me that I shouldn't put that energy into home but into career, because the children won't be young forever and I'll need the career to fall back on. And I know what she means, I know she's just worried that I'll waste all this education and intelligence and find myself out of the workforce or taking low level jobs because they offer 'mother's hours', and she's almost certainly right that when the kids are older, I'll want the career back.

But dammit, right now I have small children. There is a limit to the types of activities I can do when I have a 2 year old and a pregnant belly in tow; much as I'd love to take up learning to fly light aircraft, or go back to university fulltime, it's not going to happen right now. So do I subsume my energy and intelligence into the things I can do and risk being pigeonholed as Suzy fucking Homemaker, or do I spend my time struggling to maintain a professional identity, despite all of society being set up to make that as difficult as possible, and be accused of Having Children Just To Let Strangers Raise Them?

petisa, it's interesting that you mention yoga, buddhism and nature as some of the things you do to keep you sane. i have a daily yoga practice (often done at 9 pm when kids are in bed) - and consequently a very messy house! also, before having children we moved to the edge of a wood. so i really agree that those things can be useful. although they won't be for everyone, to me they underline the neccessity of having something that's yours when you're a sahm. otherwise it's easy to drown!

head space - thats what I lack, how can you have it as a SAHM... I have at least one child awake and trying to get my attention 6-7.30pm. I want to be able to think, I can't with the constant demands for attention and trying to fulfill their needs.

I'm feeling faint at the prospect that being a SAHM gives you head space - sitting on the tube/plane/train gives you headspace on the way to work.

sorry I have mummy, mummy being called and a cardigan to find

Well I think it depends on people's personality. Plenty of women regret later giving up their career and then they have 20 years when the chidlren are gone and perhaps their daughters don't give them grandchildren until the daghter is nearly 39 and they are a bit old to enjoy them and they are frustrated they gave up their career. I work for myself. I will thoroughly enjoy my 50s because not only do I have work I love and made no career sacrifices (always worked full time, never paid second fiddle to a man's career in order to sing wheels on the bus 30 times a day) and have lots of hobbies.

Also if you work full time particularly once the children are 5+ you can by the way enjoy nature. I camped for 3 nights on my tropical island in November. Could I have done that had I given up work 20 years ago? Certainly not as I wouldn't have been able to afford to buy it. I suppose I'm saying that money and a career gives women choice and indeed time - they can afford household help, they can spend time with chidlren not cleaning and they are not materially dependent on a man.

god who isnt i have been a stay at home mum for 10 years on and off a lot of the time i wanted to shoot myself because of the boredom, 3 very happy, lovely kids though so worth the trade off in my eyes, also 2 diplomas and as of next year a ba hons. so once ds in in school ft i shall be ready to hopefully get a decent job, fingers crossed.

That's an arguement I often have with my DH Fiddledee.

He argues that he has work and kids - a difficult combination, I agree. But it's that half hour on the bus home to just let go - that hour he has on his own in the office to do what he needs to do without distraction. The chatting to people about nothing really in the line of his work. His lunch hour.

I went on a day trip a few weeks ago to meet my best friend after my dh realised how much of a toll my day-to-day life was taking on my mental health.

Before I left I was properly on edge - everytime the children cried or made any kind of noise, my shoulders were up to my ears with tension.
I left the house to catch my bus and it was raining and it was cold and my feet got wet, but oh my! The difference it made in ten minutes, just to walk out, knowing that dh had them, knowing that I wasn't going to be home until they were tucked up in bed...

I caught the bus to the big city and it took two hours. It was bliss, apart from a screaming child. It took me about half an hour to get it into my head that it didn't matter that this child was screaming - it was nothing to do with me. I wish I'd brought headphones - but to be honest with you, it was good just to sit and think and stare out of the window. It was the first time in a very very long time that I had felt that kind of release.
DH gets it every day!
When I got home (a leetle tipsy ), having talked at length with my friend and spent altogether 4 hours travelling alone with just me and my head I felt about 2 stone lighter. And it gave me a springboard from which to jump from. That day breathed new life into me.
For a bit.

Five weeks down the line I'm starting to feel the strain again - although admittedly dealing with it a little bit better. I don't know how I'm going to cope this time, as that trip was a one off - certainly we couldn't manage another one so soon for financial reasons. If only!

It made me think though - the key to survival is consistant release. And it's not a half hour stroll around the block to 'blow some air through'. It's the knowledge that you are not wholly responsible for a good couple of hours.

YANBU OP.

I went back to work part-time when dd was 11 mo (and i was thinking of going earlier, but felt to guilty). I found it really hard being at home because most of my close friends work full time so I didn't often see people during the day.

Being SAHM is the hardest job going - in fact, I find working less exhausting than being at home with dd. There are times that I struggle to think up things to do with dd on the 2 weekdays I'm at home with her.

Feeling bored does certainly not make you a horrible mother! But maybe you need to come up with some way of meeting other adults in your position so that you have adult company a couple of times in the week?

I've really enjoyed this thread and the very different positions of Threelittleducks, petisa and beesimo's wonderful "You blossom where you're planted". As women we're all so different so it stands to reason that we're so different as mothers and in our experiences of being mothers - whether SAHM, WOHM, part-time/full-time, WInHM etc.

I love working fulltime and DD has been in FT childcare since 10 months, but I'm also looking forward to this coming September when DD (now nealry 3) starts nursery 3.5 days a week and I scale my working-at-home hours down to spend more time with her and to also spend more time on my own pursuits and passions. I consider my life an adventure and a journey that's always changing.

Three why can't you have every Sunday off and you look after the children on your own on Saturdays? Every sunday at 8am you leave the house - walk if you have to so it costs not a penny, sit in the park with a library book, sit in a cafe or with a picnic for your lunch? I just don't see why you can't get that freedom you described once a week in that way.

Petisa, I really liked your post, reminded me of all the things I do love about being a SAHM. I too love playing with the kids, arts and crafts, taking them on nature walks and watching them discover the world (we spend many happy hours looking for snails!) but I hate the domestic drudgery side of things, the constant cleaning and cooking. I often think if only I had a cleaner and cook I'd be a great SAHM!

I worry about losing my language skills too- also French and Spanish! But I am too lazy to bother finding ways to practice, apart from saying 'Hola' to the Spanish mums at preschool!

Much as I hate to agree with Xenia about anything (after a very heated debate about the value of being a SAHM under another name a while ago that still makes me ) I do worry a lot about my future career. It's lovely being a 30-something SAHM to 2 littlies, but I really don't want to be a 40-something bored housewife with nothing to show for my life apart from bored stroppy teenagers who will never appreciate the sacrifices I made. I know I never appreciated what my mum did for me until I became a mum myself!

Threelittleducks & Xenia - I do think time out is essential as a SAHM but many of us with no family support find it difficult to get without paying for it. DH loves his family time at the weekends and being at home with all of us, when I just want a break. After many years he still doesn't completely get it.

I'm now planning a long weekend off every 2/3 months doing something I love. With lots of journey time each day to think on that train. I've told DH he can't ship the DC to the grandparents which he normally does do when I am away or busy for a weekend (at 3 times in 5 years) he has be at home and look after them.

I love your attitude Xenia. You are the woman I wish we could all be; confident, happy in your choices and powerful.
You are right, money does help, a lot.

Unfortunately, I don't think I will ever be in the position to buy an island - location etc. means that those kind of jobs with that kind of wage just aren't obtainable, and I'm not willing to move to get one!

I suppose all anyone here wants is to be happy with what they are doing. I am willing to bet that all the unhappy women here are ambitious, lack support and have had the confidence whacked out of them for one reason or another. Whether it's just being thrust into motherhood, pnd, being made redundant or snide comments made on the bus as you wheel your pram on. Little things build up.