Bored by full-time motherhood

[boredtodeath]

I was made redundant last year after 12 years in a very demanding job. I decided to view it as a positive thing (I got a decent redundancy package so was not in financial dire straits) and throw myself into finally having time to be with my children aged 6 and 2. The only trouble is that I am unspeakably bored. Has anyone else felt this way or am I just a horrible mother? I adore them both but I feel like the household maid rather than the Mary Poppins-esque woman I had hoped to be. Where am I going wrong? Is there anyone out there who feels the same?

I tend to swing between feeling completely lucky, happy and fulfilled to be able to be a SAHM (usually during sleepy BF cuddles with the baby or on sunny days in the park) and feeling like a completely insignificant speck of nothing whose only role in life is clearing up after my ungrateful offspring.

It sounds like it's the domestic side that's getting you down, so if you can afford it get a cleaner- I would if we had the money!

Overall, I know my kids have such a fantastic life at the moment- playdates, days out, trips to the park, lovely local preschool etc etc and they wouldn't have that if I worked full time, so on balance it's worth it for me. I'm planning on retraining as a teacher next year though, maybe you could look at a change of career as a possibility?

White Whine

I have actually learned quite a bit from MN thank you.

Fiddledee

It dosen't all have to be domestic work, I used to help out a lady who had MS by taking her to appoinments ect and I learnt and grew a great deal from the experience. If you don't like your day to day life change it don't sink under it.

No YANBU. I am a SAHM after redundancy too (nearly 2 years now) DS11 and DD9. I do do the volunteer thing (chair of the PTA, studying with OU - living the whole cliche) and I still get bored rigid and sick of the constant round of the washing/cooking/cleaning because it's boring and it's never 'finished'. Nobody appreciates you because they don't have to pay you (IMHO). I miss the buzz of people around - even if they annoy you sometimes. I am also looking for paid employment before I go insane - however I am still holding out for part time work to try to get the home/work balance right. Chin up - you're not alone!

I have been a SAHM for 10 years. It is a marathon of boredom and drudgery. You can go properly mental if you don't take steps to alleviate this. Sometimes that means scheduling your day to the minute and a 5pm glass of wine. Sometimes that means going back to work.
Beesimo; I don't think we should sugar coat SAHMummery--you can only bake so many cupcakes. At times it does feel like jail

I cannot be a full time mother either, returned to work when eldest was a year old, and after five weeks with my second.

Some are just not cut out to sit at home and just be a mother, I needed to be someone in my own right rather than just the mum label.

Yeah, just like above. There are no jobs around here at the moment. I am doing OU degree and then retraining. I also volunteer. What keeps me going is a social circle of likeminded people who enjoy a coffee and a good gossip discussion about string theory.

It's not easy to just go out and get a job in some parts of the UK, hopefully there will be a miracle things will change.

Fabby - I am a person in my own right last time I looked.

But you don't have to sit at home!

Housework is boring, and it's relentless. I don't know anyone who isn't bored by it tbh. I think part of your problem is that you haven't really chosen to be a SAHP, it's kind of been imposed on you. The other thing is that society usually only values people in paid employment, so it is hard to go from being someone who is seen as important at work to being a SAHM. I think you might need to adjust your mindset and get used to the idea that what you are doing is valuable. Also I think we are so used to working that it's hard to know what to do when that structure isn't there any more. It's okay to spend time doing whatever you like and maybe didn't have time for in the past. If money is not a problem then you have a great deal of freedom to explore what interests you and that is a valuable luxury. It just takes a bit of adjusting to.

The thing is, this time won't last forever and before you know it your children will be in school and your time will be your own again. Try not to spend it feeling as if you are missing out on something. You are not and if you were at work I'm sure there would be parts of your day that you don't enjoy. This way you get to change what you don't like.

Personally, I'm glad I am a SAHM. I worked when my first child was little and I found myself feeling sad that my mum was taking him to his activities and spending the days with him and I was always busy (had the kind of job that goes home with you, rather than being left behind at the end of the day).

So, for all the boredom involved in doing laundry, I know that if I was at work I'd be missing out on the lovely moments I have during the day with my DD. She is due to start school soon and I'm quite looking forward to being able to do whatever I want during the day

Fiddle when I was small my parents both worked "flat out" (incl travel) and we had a full time live in nanny. My sis and I were happy with this. My mum was fulfilled (if knackered). In fact, I think this set up was better for us all than when my mum later became a SAHM after redundancy - she was bored and IMO helicopter-parented as a substitute for her lost career.

If you really want to work full time, get a nanny and do it - please don't assume it will be worse for your DCs that way. It all depends on your and their particular characters. (And whether you can find a good nanny).

Myself, I wouldn't want to work flat out - but that's because I'm not that ambitious, rather than because I think it would harm the DCs.

Boredtodeath,

Have some good old selfish "me time" otherwise you'll go really bonkers. It is very very demanding. It helps if the kids go to nursery for some hours, you'll have some time off and actually miss them when they get back.

Beesimo, that's rubbish!

The pure mental fucking strain of being the only person doing what you do - everyone does it differently and being faced with opposition at every fucking angle - do you have any idea what it does to people?

We have all been told all of our lives - get educated, you can do what you want, fulfill your potential.
Except what is that? Work like buggery trying to be the best we can be until, tick-tock, tick-tock - yep there it is, biology!
So children now - be the best mother, stay home, weave fucking lentils and make booties, you are so lucky, so lucky lucky lucky and don't you for one second forget it! No whining, no complaining! You are lucky! The people who can't have kids, the people who can't afford it, the people who don't have this/that...no whining!
It's only 3 years - oh wait you want a sibling for your progeny - best treat them the same - be the best mother - stimulate them, do paint, playdough, art, nature walks - get out to museums, teach them mandarin from the age of 2, french, come on, you owe it to them!
so that's what? 6 years down the line now - but did you remember to educate yourself? Socialise? Tie yourself in fucking knots? No? Well, you are boring! And shit and don't deserve to be a mother! How dare you!

You've lost yourself, you are unsure who you are when you look in the mirror - by god you've done your best and are bloody lucky to still be standing, let alone still going by the end of the day. And all you can do is stare into the weeks, months, years ahead! That is you doing your best, and you are making a sacrifice. And yeah it has some great times, of course it does. But it changes you. And not in a good way - your confidence is sapped, you spend all day with your kids, so you are the 'mother type'. And those converstaions about 'how's work etc' where all your friends compare their careers, where are you? Hiding in the fucking cforner in case someone asks you what you think you might do - because you have no idea. Because you are torn. You want to be at home with your kids and get them grown in the best way, but you would kill to be joining in and talking about how great you are. And then you get the 'when are you going back to work' crack - ha! Gets me every tim,e! Because I don't do anything, do I?

So much competition! Dare I get on a bus with my buggy? Fruit shoots? 'Cheating' because I made pizza? My children scream in the supermarket - we inconvenience others in cafe's...be suitably embarrassed, don't go out if you can't control them...
Making friends with people - it's so stressful - a friendship is borne out of years of perseverance and common goals - when you meet people at toddler groups etc, they aren't always the kind of friends you can run to when utterly depressed and scraping yourself off the ceiling - they are the ones you save your game face for, unless you are very lucky.

It's tough - so bloody hard and should not be belittled in anyway, and there is precious little actual support for women who do it. Because we are all doing our best, whatever that might be. And if all that is is having a shower in the morning just to sit in all day and try to make it through another 10 hours, then so be it.

It is a psychological strain. For a lot of women. We are under more pressure than we ever have been as a sex.

Here Beesimo, take my very first

Because that comment you made just underlines what is wrong with women when it comes to supporting each other through any kind of situation.

Popbiscuit/Laineylou

I've been at home for 6 years now with my three kids and I crave any sort of stimulation - mumsnet is a case in point. If I was working it would only get a cursory look. But I use it to talk to people who are funny and ntelligent and express myself, because I do not have that outlet anywhere else.
I know it sounds awful but I had to do something and my degree exhausts me but keeps me sane. If there was a job there (I was a contract worker but there were huge redundancies at my workplace and I was replaced by a younger model), I would do it tomorrow.

Beesimo - I have to take a 2 year old everywhere with me, so I don't need to sit at home but a 2 year old won't be doing volunteer work with me. Can't commit to anything in the evenings as DH travels alot and erratically.

Minipie thanks for responding - I think I would miss the children too much if I did go back to my old job. Its good that you had a positive experience as a child but I had a negative experience of going to a childminder after school - I'm sure a nanny and going back to my own home would have helped though.

I was bored at first but that was before I learned to enjoy the freedom and my own company. After the initial adjustment, i love it. I have time for studying and just general time to do stuff with DC. It's less stressful as you know you can always be there and not have to worry about sickness, childcare etc. Of course, it isn't for everyone but there is usually an adjustment and becoming unattatched to the labour market.

"Fiddledee Wed 25-May-11 18:20:37
Xenia I'm dying to go back to work, I gave a six figure salary and I think it would take me several years if ever to get back to my old position even if I go back full time, also I would have to work long hours & travel. DH often travels abroad, without a full time live in nanny for several years we can't make it work. I'm not sure its fair on the kids if both parents work flat out. "

Why should your career be less than his? Why isn't Mr Wonderful at home dealing with sick whilst you are on and off planes? Why do women tolerate the dull stuff? Don't let that happen.

Threelittleducks - Thankyou

Fiddledee completely understand. You are staying at home partly for yourself (as you'd miss the DC), and partly for the children. As long as it's not all for the children, because as I say, it may not necessarily be better for them, esp if you are bored and miserable.

Re your experience - I agree, I do think it depends very much on the childcare - we had a great nanny followed by some not-so-good ones and the difference to us as DCs was really big, which is why I said it depends on whether you can find a good nanny.

If only there were more any high flying but low hours careers.

I've finally given up work after returning post the first 3. After number 4, paying a nanny, commuting 3 hours a day and flying round Europe to meetings just wasn't making economic or practical sense. I miss working, but not the job; I miss my independence because I didn't get a big redundancy payout - just resigned at the end of mat leave, and I miss having my third 'identity' other than a wife and mother.

I have lots of days when I feel like a drudge, despite having a lovely wide circle of interesting friends, and things that I plan and do with the children.

But then I have days like today, when the sun has been shining, the smallest two have been on really good form, we've been outside most of the day, my older two came hopping and skipping out of school, and I feel very lucky to be able to be at home and have this time with them.

But, I will be hotfooting it back to the workplace once they are all in school!!

The playing with my child bit of it I do actually enjoy most days, but the sheer domestic drudgery not so much (at all!).

Horses for courses. Life would be dull if we were all the same.

Xenia I wondered if you'd pick that up. The answer is in Fiddle's reply to me - the reason is because she'd miss the DCs. (Presumably her DH doesn't, or doesn't as much).

While there are of course exceptions, it does seem to be the case that many women value time with their DCs more than many men do, and therefore in most couples - even equal earning ones - the woman will be the one who chooses to step back career-wise. We can of course argue forever about whether this is natural, or because men and women have been conditioned to be like this...

Three little ducks

I think the most supportive thing you can do for any woman in any situation is to say spit on your hands take hold and get on with it. It is pointless acting all pathetic and carrying on like a victim because that is the road to nowhere.

I didn't say half those words you 'put in my mouth' I am sorry you are having a hard time, but you need to take responsibility for your life and stop acting like your up the creek without a paddle because you are not!

Its YOUR life and it is up to you to make the best job of it you can, you are obviously intelligent and we live in a country full of opportunites so make something 'better' happen in your day to day life for your own sake and your DC.

Threelittleducks - wow! Excellent post by the way. This cupcake baking, lentil weaving thing is so new. Most women either were poor and worked, or were rich and had nannies/help. It seems to be our generation and the one before it that beats themselves up over "stiimulating activities" and "quality time".

Looking after little children is hard work. Maybe you really love it, maybe you hate it. Why feel guilty that you would rather work, or feel smug that you have martyred yourself on the altar of motherhood? Everyone is different.

I went back to work, my best friend is SAHM. We parent differently, but the kids all get along fine, and if she judges me secretly, she never lets it show. If I think she is a bit uptight about certain things, I too keep my trap shut. Between us, we have happy, healthy children - all at school now. Never, ever once have we had a conversation about "it".

Fiddledee you've made he laugh, thank God, I feel normal. I didn't stop working out of choice I was made redundant and haven't found other work even though I would happily take a cut in salary or go part time. I really enjoyed my work too. To think, I used to ask people to do things and they would just do them, gasp!! It's the feeling of being part of something, having adult company and conversation that I miss. Obviously it's never all great. I can't forget all the anxiety of sorting out fragile childcare arrangements and dealing with the many bouts of illness but I never expected to feel quite so.... invisible.

Also do you other SAHMs find that everyone is giving you crappy jobs to do since you are "free"?

I think sometimes the woman taking the step back career wise is accidental - a combination of circumstances. A woman might be off work due to a difficult pg, and then she needs to physically recover from birth. If she's bf, then that's not always easy to do at work. I only had to think about a baby crying and my boobs would pour with milk (not at all helpful in a classroom full of teenagers). Men have never been encouraged to share the maternity leave once the mum is physically recovered and so it seems easier for the mother to be the one to stay home. And, of course it's seen as more socially acceptable for the mum rather than the dad to be home full time. All that is fighting with the maternal instinct not to leave the baby. Before you know it, it can be a done deal