Bored by full-time motherhood

[boredtodeath]

I was made redundant last year after 12 years in a very demanding job. I decided to view it as a positive thing (I got a decent redundancy package so was not in financial dire straits) and throw myself into finally having time to be with my children aged 6 and 2. The only trouble is that I am unspeakably bored. Has anyone else felt this way or am I just a horrible mother? I adore them both but I feel like the household maid rather than the Mary Poppins-esque woman I had hoped to be. Where am I going wrong? Is there anyone out there who feels the same?

[thegruffalosma]

Xenia some 'housewives' don't regret it though - I don't. I've made the choice as an educated woman that I want to sacrifice a few years out of my career to be with my children. How is trying to downplay one option and essentially trying to limit the choice available to women in any way feminist?
I decided to stay at home rather than DH because he earned more than me - partly because he's a man and partly because he's 5 years older than me and I was in my first 'proper' job after graduating whereas he'd had a few promotions. Had I earned more he would be the one at home. As womens salary catches up with mens and more doors are opened to women in the better paid jobs I'm sure we'll start to see more stay at home dads. Just out of interest is it just mums staying at home that you feel is an invalid choice or would that extend to dads too?

[Becaroooo]

I am a SAHM and have been for 8 years.

I would like to get a p/t job when my youngest starts school - in 2 years time - but for now I like not having all the stress that some working mothers I know have....what to do when a child is ill for example, guilt about not being around etc etc

It suits some people and not others....YANBU

[minipie]

In an ideal world, many of us would choose to have a few years as SAHM when our children are young, and then return to work.

Unfortunately that is often very difficult, especially in more highly paid/professional jobs.

That means women often have to choose between (1) being a SAHM while their children are small, but at the likely expense of their later career or (2) staying at work for the sake of their longer term career, but at the expense of not being a SAHM while their children are small.

Xenia takes the view that (2) is always best. Others will take the view that (1) is always best.

The truth is that neither is great. Both involve compromise of one part of your life - either the short term, or the long term.

Perhaps we should concentrate on trying to persuade employers that women's brains do not atrophy simply because they have not worked or have worked p/t for several years...

[thegruffalosma]

Well people can have the view that either working or staying at home is always best but they're wrong. Different ways suit different people. I personally don't think I'm going to miss out hugely. I had just started at a company in a very junior position when I had my eldest. It's not the career that I want so will be retraining when the kids are in school. Yes I could retrain and get a job now if I wasn't looking after my kids but being a few years behind in my career path is more than compensated for by getting to spend the first few precious years with them. Also I had my kids young so I've got plenty of time to progress in my chosen career. For me it certainly doesn't seem like a massive sacrifice.

[Xenia]

The whole of life is about compromises. We make them all the time. They are good for us all and working parents, male and female compromise, leave work early or not depending on their own families' needs, men as well as women. it's ust wrong that so many women end up as unpaid domestics at home whilst their men get a better more pleasant balance.

Also for many women in all ages childcare and housework is so dull they want to delegate it and do other things. There's nothing wrong with that at all. Given you benefit your chidlren if you work and perhaps damage them if you're home it's win win when you pursue your career. Never say home thinking it's good for your family as it 's not likelyt o be. Do it because you love it. No one will ever thank you for it either and long term you'll lose out big time for making that choice.

[thegruffalosma]

Well yes I would say you should only stay at home if you want to and not because you feel you should but equally if women don't want to go back to work and can afford not to they shouldn''t go back because they feel as though they should because they will be looked down on for being a sahm or because it's expected that you return to work after mat leave these days.
And I'm certainly no unpaid domestic - I do the bare minimum around the house and DH does at least his fair share. He also does the vast majority of the childcare evenings and weekends including getting up in the mornings and pretty much all the night time stuff all the time. SAHMs aren't all the downtrodden slaves you describe.

[working9while5]

"Given you benefit your children if you work and perhaps damage them if you're home..."

And again.

As the daughter of a chronic workaholic who has seen her mother for all of ten minutes this week despite it being the first week in six months that her grandson and I have been in the same country as her, I am not so sure it is a win win situation to focus solely on career. I think my mother misses out on some of the enjoyment of being with her family, and we certainly miss her, as once we did my father. There needs to be an off switch, too.

There are benefits to career but they are not all-encompassing and it is illogical to suggest that one path is entirely beneficial while the other is damaging (regardless of whether you favour working out of the home or in it). I recognise my mother's choice as her own but I certainly don't think it is intrinsically superior to the choice made by my SAHM MIL. I have much of my mother's drive but I hope to find more balance than my mother has done.

[Xenia]

But most full time working parents are not chronic workaholics. I've worked with men and women who work full time for over 20 years and most of those who are parents with youngish children go to all kinds of lengths to get home and spend time with them.

[thegruffalosma]

Can you not see how one sided your argument is xenia. You say most full-time working parents aren't workaholics (which I agree with btw) but argue that most, if not all, SAHMS are unhappy domestic slaves who are damaging their kids.
The impression you are giving from your argument is not someone who is happy with their choice tbh - you sound more like you feel guilty and are trying to convince everyone, and yourself, that you made the right decision.

[Dorje]

I too thought this thread was becoming interesting until the usual suspects turned up and began to spout their usual unsupported polemics which we could have read from many, many, many, a thread before, over many, many a year..

SM and Xenia, don't you have Work to do, rather than just auto-piloting on this thread??
'Real' work, ya know? From your Proper Jobs?

Oh I know, I know, I know you have a right to freedom of speech anywhere you want... yadda yadda yadda.. but I hate to say but I'm finding it's a wee bit boring how you seem to think that by saying the same things over and over without engaging in discussion, or providing evidence for your statements that somehow you are contributing anything worthwhile. I'm finding your posts a bit like chintz, tbh, we all know that they're there, and what they are, all plumped up and ready to go, but there not great to look at, and getting a wee bit dog eared.

Scottishmummy, I'm thinking you don't need Norman to post for you - are you channelling Cod?! And, why do you type in text speak? It's banned on MN.
So a question for you, if you've got the time, hun:
Why don't you use spaces between your words - are you in a rush? Is your time just too, too precious, to even draw breath?
Or... do you take a Scottish Republican(?) delight in not using the Queen's English?
Do the laws of grammar not apply to you?
Or do you think you are entitled to more of my time than everyone else who posts comprehensibly?
Actually, SM, I have a confession to make, I mostly skip any posts in text speak - life really is too short for ikkle squeaky wheels.



Seeing that we were in a poetical frame of mind earlier up the thread, when I felt it was still constructive and engaging, I thought this was apt:

From W.B. Yeats, A Prayer For My Daughter:

An intellectual hatred is the worst,
So let her think opinions are accursed.
Have I not seen the loveliest woman born
Out of the mouth of Plenty's horn,
Because of her opinionated mind
Barter that horn and every good
By quiet natures understood
For an old bellows full of angry wind?