Bored by full-time motherhood

[boredtodeath]

I was made redundant last year after 12 years in a very demanding job. I decided to view it as a positive thing (I got a decent redundancy package so was not in financial dire straits) and throw myself into finally having time to be with my children aged 6 and 2. The only trouble is that I am unspeakably bored. Has anyone else felt this way or am I just a horrible mother? I adore them both but I feel like the household maid rather than the Mary Poppins-esque woman I had hoped to be. Where am I going wrong? Is there anyone out there who feels the same?

[TheNumberTaker]

Threelittleducks has said it all.

Being a SAHM has levied a huge toll on my mental health. I've lost all confidence and am tormented by anxiety day after day. I was a pretty successful lawyer for 15 years beforehand, and every day regret the loss of my career. Tbh, I'm not even sure having children was the right thing for me, I am not a "natural" when it comes to parenting. I'm constantly out and about with mine at groups etc and trying to stimulate them with activities, I am not a lazy mother.

I think it's a bit facile to say you can always combine SAHdrudgery with studying/volunteering etc, it is all down to what support system you have or can afford to buy. I am on the go with my 2 from 6am until 8pm+ before doing dinner/clearing up etc. DH works long hours so isn't much help. I hate every moment of it, tbh.

[BsshBossh]

Bravo bessimo!

[fedupofnamechanging]

boretodeath one thing you have to be careful of is not to let people take you for granted or take the piss. I take the view that my role is to look after the children, not do chores for other people. Being at home doesn't mean that my time isn't valuable or that other people get to plan out my days on the grounds that I don't have anything else to do. If people are imposing, then it is okay to say no. That way, when you do sometimes say 'yes', they will appreciate it rather than expect it.

[Threelittleducks]

Beesimo, with all due respect you have NO IDEA what my day-to-day is like or what I've been through these last 3 years.

It's all circumstances woman, and no two are the same. There's not a one-size-fits-all solution.

Kick yourself up the arse - yeah! If only it was that easy!

I've kicked myself up the arse for the last 3 years to get where I am now.
Are you going to give me money to get my kids in childcare/allow me to work from home so I can look after my kids/let my husband stay at home for the time it takes for us to sort it all out? No? Do you want to give me a job? No, didn't think so!

I know I'm not up a creek without a paddle. As soon as they are at pre-school I am outta here! But by buggery, all of this making myself more interesting is killing me! Do you know what? I was like you - I was so sure of myself, so happy-go-lucky. Could not SEE why other people couldn't just get it together. Until you have been down that hole, you have no idea! None!
I have never wanted to actually kill myslf, but I have seen how some people can't go on, I have seen why some people would walk out and never come back, I have seen why and how some people get so far gone that they lose all motivation in their lives. Being on the edge of that does things to you. It's perilous!

Some days I want nothing better than to run away and never come back. I could happily jump into the path of oncoming traffic. There is nothing wrong with me except sheer lonliness, boredom, frustration and the absolute fear that this is all there is going to be for me. Will I ever have a career? I was a mother by the time I graduated - do you know what it's like to see your whole future be possibly thrust down the pan? Because no matter what they tell you about equality, it's not true - it's never equal. Trying to create 'opportunity' for myself, I have been turned down three times, and I know it's because I am a sahm with no childcare in place before interview. I'm not stupid!

And that's the crux of it - maybe if I hadn't been told to be educated and interesting and have it all, then maybe I'd be happier, because I wouldn't aspire. Our sex has been diddled.

Oh this feels good. I have some proper rage on me tonight!

[rainy days in will do that to you]

[minipie]

TheNumber could you go back to work?

[Portofino]

Beesimo#s dd's were going for leg waxing, fake tans and pedicures according to another thread, so presumably aren't toddlers.....

[MollyMurphy]

I feel profoundly guilty admitting that I'm bored out of my mind only 8 months in. I feel like when I say that a) people think I have nothing to do, which is not the case - its just monotonous and adult free and b) that somehow I am failing to convey how very much I love spending time with my son.

I am looking forward to returning to work and dreading it at the same time. I have anxiety over leaving him but....excitement at the prospect of a professional environment and adult co-workers (wince - guilt, guilt!)

If we could afford me to stay home I would still do it and find a way to make it work though - because I work long hours and so does my husband. It makes me cry to think how little time durin the week we will get to parent our beautiful boy. If I did stay home I'd do anything I could to fill my day with groups, swimming etc because a day at home is a looooong day.

[beesimo]

Threelittleducks

Of course I've felt 'like that' its part of the human condition to feel 'like that' everyone has their crosses to bear nobody gets a free ride through life but I promise you the only way to get through it is to say to yourself this too will pass then never give in never let your head drop.

When I made the remarks I did it was in reply to OP if you had written a AIBU the way you wrote your posts I would probably have replied differently, I meant you no harm and I wish better days for you.

[Threelittleducks]

Thanks Beesimo - sorry for the full onness. I just get so annoyed that people think it's as easy as kicking yourself up the bum - it so often isn't. :)

[NormanTebbit]

Threelittleducks - it will happen, you will start moving forward again. It's the stasis, the lack of momentum I find difficult. I talk to myself.

The other day we were round at the in-laws talking about a subject in the news qhich I had some insight into as I had previously worked in that industry had exams in it etc, but I found my POV was instantly dismissed, despite being based on actual professional experience I was clearly talking rubbish. It transpired that actually I was correct. Not that it made me feel any better

[KatieMiddleton]

YANBU. If it wasn't for the volunteer work I do I'd have been in a v bad way. Much as I love DS it is boring being a SAHM.

Do some volunteering. HomeStart, NCT, PTA, Churches, local groups, LINK... Whatever floats your boat or pricks your interest will be so thankful to have your help whatever it may be.

[beesimo]

Portofino

No there all well past the breaking and weaning stage but there was a time I had 5 all under 8s which included my sickly youngest DD. So I do know what it is to be crying with tiredness while standing over a sink peeling taties!

But I still say make the best of it all and 'blossom where your planted'

[rocksox]

Completely in the same position as OP. Made redundant 2 years ago - saw it as a "good thing". Have spent the last 12 months trying to get a new job but no luck - have been told off the record that I'm unemployable due to my age. It sucks. Yes, I could take a lower paying job but I"m already looking around half my previous salary, much less and I can't afford childcare. I have been trying to do the volunteer thing - but sometimes I wish people wouldn't assume that I'm at home by choice.

[ivechangednamestoo]

I know there is a bit of shortage of part time jobs.... well ones that pay reasonably anyway, but if there is anyway you could work part time I would highly recommend it.

I do three days a week and I love it. I'm keeping my hand in, earning money and best of all I still get four days to spend a week to spend with DS. And not being there everyday makes me really appreciate and enjoy it when I am.

[Threelittleducks]

Norman - That's horrible! That's what I'm on about - the attitude of other people! Many a time I have managed to stand at a family party and have everyone else in the room's opinions asked except mine - it's like I'm a non-entity sometimes. And yes, it is the stasis. I feel so much pent-up potential building all the time.

I want to do some volunteering...but no childcare. Would love to start my own group...oops, no childcare. I have so many ideas in my head - I could make a fortune. If I had any level of support around me.
I wonder how many women feel the same.
I would write a book about it...but no childcare at all, so completely knackered (plus still have an OU course which I am doing to keep myself 'busy'. Ha! As if I need something else to do! [gimmers] )

Why is there never any wine in the house when I need it?

[KatieMiddleton]

I do volunteering with no childcare. Basically anything that can be done on my iPhone or at night - so I look after a Twitter feed, Facebook page, deal with enquiries via email, do the odd article, give my opinion on local healthcare issues, organise meet ups/activities I can take DS to, do the odd deal for advertising, do research.

I volunteer for NCT and my local LINK but there are other opportunities out there for volunteer opportunities where you don't need childcare.

I do it for selfish reasons. And my sanity.

[kyacat]

I totally applaud your post, ThreeLittleDucks and recognise everything you've described. I'm in the middle of a 2nd year of maternity leave with DS2, 4 months, and DS1, 3 years. And it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

YANBU, OP. I am right there with you. I know I want to give DS2 a year with me before resuming work 3 days a week because I feel that is the best thing for him, but it is so, so hard.

[Stockett]

YANBU, not at all, I was murderous when on ML, especially the second time. I'm back at work now and it's tough going, but easier on everyone that I'm sane!

Hope things improve for you x

[NormanTebbit]

I volunteer from home handling charity's website, twitter, facebook, email newsletters etc. It is a charity for a sector I hope to work in after training so I get to make contacts, attend events etc.

It's good to have a plan. I have bored DP to tears for three years about 'the plan.' maybe the plan will never become reality. Maybe I'll just wait for my DD's to phone occasionally, shed a tear and feed the cats.

[Threelittleducks]

Can you please enlighten me on how to even start doing this kind of volunteering? I would love to do something like that, so so much!

[TheNumberTaker]

Minipie my practice area is quite specialised and nobody is hiring. In any event, the legal profession is not child friendly and I am very reluctant to put my children into the sort of childcare they would need. My children would not see either of their parents if we were both doing the sort of hours DH does. Like everyone else, I'm holding on for the school years and the hope that I can get back into some kind of work.

[Bookswapper]

I too recognise everything you've said ThreeLittleDucks. Well said.

[NormanTebbit]

Go on to google and look up volunteering opportunities for your area - there are many small charities desperate to tap in to possibilities for online marketing and social networking. There are many other things such as compiling newsletters etc.

[Threelittleducks]

Thanks so much Norman.
My problem is that I know what I want to do, I just have no idea on how to achieve it. That's a good start though :)
Thank you.

[ChristinedePizan]

threelittleducks - brave and wonderful posts. I feel like that sometimes and I've only been a SAHM for six months. And I work sometimes AND my DS is in childcare two days. But the days feel very long. And lonely. Being a single parent, I need to work - otherwise I don't talk to another adult for days on end sometimes.