Bored by full-time motherhood

[boredtodeath]

I was made redundant last year after 12 years in a very demanding job. I decided to view it as a positive thing (I got a decent redundancy package so was not in financial dire straits) and throw myself into finally having time to be with my children aged 6 and 2. The only trouble is that I am unspeakably bored. Has anyone else felt this way or am I just a horrible mother? I adore them both but I feel like the household maid rather than the Mary Poppins-esque woman I had hoped to be. Where am I going wrong? Is there anyone out there who feels the same?

smallpotato, why would you allow yourself to feel like "a 40-something bored housewife with nothing to show for my life apart from bored stroppy teenagers who will never appreciate the sacrifices I made"? Surely life is what you make of it, you reap what you sow and all that? You make a plan now, in your 30s, while you're still looking after your little ones, to work out how to return to work, or you work on a business idea, or you start thinking about your passions and dreams and take little steps towards them so you have something to focus on later when you no longer are sole charge of your kids.

Xenia, I suppose I spend my days wishing for dh to be home so we can have family time - and I mean doing something fun, like meeting with family and going to the park for the day etc (we have a large family) which is something I can only do if he's here. Otherwise it's just me running around after two very small children in another setting (both are still babies really).

A big part of my unhappines is the lonliness. I have tried being alone, but a lot of it is to do with company too. That day I had was only so relaxing and freeing because I was meeting my friend, who I could whinge at and laugh with. If I had been heading out on my own it would have been a very different kind of day. I don't think I would have survived that day and would possibly have come out a lot worse.

BsshBossh

You keep telling it as it is, the voice of reason

Hi

You are definately NBU, I have been a SAHM for a few years now, so I have lots of SAHM friends and I don't know a single one who doesn't have similar sentiments at some time or another!

Aside from the mundanity and frutility of housework, I found it very difficult adjusting to the different way people perceived me - I used to have a very demanding job, and it defined me in some way, (both to myself and to others). Now when I tell people I'm a SAHM and their eyes glaze over it makes me so frustrated, as it's the most challenging role I've ever done by far!

That said, I wouldn't change my situation. I think my DH misses out on a lot of stuff and that makes me quite sad, still someone needs to pay my wine bills....

I sympathise and I'm pleased this hasn't turned into "Don't you realise how lucky you are? I'd give anything to be at home with my children" as it's just not like that for everyone

Like you I was made redundant last year after 20 years in the same industry. I'm hoping to change direction but it'll take a while

I adore my DC but there's more to life than doing laundry and washing dishes

If your children are at school, I'd look at volunteering during the day as I think it'll give you a sense of purpose and routine

Scale back on the housework, your house won't fall apart. As a fulltime worker with no cleaner, cleaning gets done (on a large 3-bed house) on the weekend in a very quick 1 hour with DH helping out 50%. That's it. Evenings are kept free for chilling. The rest of the weekend is kept free for chilling, activities, going out. When I scale back my working hours later this year, do you think I'm going to fill those hours with housework and "drudgery"? Hell no! And DH won't expect me to either.

Fiddledee - that was the first time in many years I had done something like that!

When you have no money for childcare, that's when things get problematic. There are not enough support systems in place for otherwise seemingly happy and healthy sahms.
I would have childcare twice a week if I could, for my sanity if nothing else. BUt as it is, I have to hold out until my eldest is 3 for our free 15 hours and then another 2 and a half years until my youngest is 3!
[terrified]
I have no other support than my dh. And he is an excellent man, who does his damndest. But he is not superman. My mother refuses to sit with my 2 at all - she thinks I have a husband, so I must cope, whereas she did not after my sister was 18 months (which grates on me a little - my grandparents were like parents to me, she certainly never had to cope if she wasn't). I would never take the piss and expect anyone to look after my kids, but by god, just the offer of an afternoon a week would help. I'll never get that. And I do lament that fact.

Maybe things will change in the next 2 years and I'll land a spectacular job which is flexible and gets me some childcare. Until then, I am very much stuck! And that frustrates me and saddens me.

I love my children - I am very active with them, i homecook, we do arts, imaginative play, toddler groups, the works. I do believe I am the best I can be here. And I am struck by th feeling that it's not enough - at the same time feeling sad and upset and guilty that it's not enough. It should be. But it's not.

It's taken me a long time to be ok with that.
(am i yet? will I ever be wholly?)

Thank you so much ladies for this thread - it has validated my feelings and finally made me feel a little less lonely and angry at my life.

Threelittleducks, can your DH look after your DC one weekend morning or afternoon while you go off and do your own thing. When I was on mat leave my DH regularly spent an entire day with DD whilst I went off to do my own thing and it was a Godsend - the headspace was very theraputic and if I was a SAHM he'd do the same, despite working long hours.

Sorry, I know this is quite far back on the thread but I've only just read. Xenia, what a bizarre and completely made-up statistic that was about
most women regretting being a SAHM in later life Where on Earth did you get that from?! You may know women who have regreted it but you can't extrapolate from there that 'most women' regret it.

I am thinking about just getting up on Saturday mornings and heading out. Problem is, ds1 is always so excited to have us both at home, we always end up going swimming instead!

I do need to eke out more time just for me.

some of us have small children in our 40s - shock, horror. I'm doomed.

Threelittleducks, just get up and go (with prior warning to your DH, of course!). Your DS will be quickly and easily distracted and soon forget you're out (again, your DH must be on board to distract him sufficiently!) and soon you'll all get used to the routine. That still leaves three quarters of the weekend free for family-together things. Another thing my DH used to do when I was home alone with DD was that he'd take a weekday off as annual leave - usually a Friday so we had a long weekend together but on Fridays I was able to take off and go to a gallery or mooch round the shops and meet up with working friends for a long and leisurely lunch. It was wonderful.

Actually, DH and I still take odd weekdays off but we keep DD in childcare and the two of us mooch off together into town and then back home early for a bit of - very healthy for our relationship as a couple .

It can be boring staying at home with small children.

I can't be arsed getting a job sorted out for myself at the moment so what I do is work out. The gym has a creche and for 2 hours a day I work out not, 'ooooh a little run' but 'You will keep moving, you will not stop, doesn't matter how much it hurts, suck it up' type of workout.

I find this sort of thing keeps my mind as balanced as much as my body. It also means that I am alone in my head and not thinking about how to entertain DS2 or about what to cook for dinner or about having to go and get DS1.

It isn't for everyone but I find it works for me, because for that time of the day, it really is all about me.

Ah BsshBossh! That sounds magnificent!!

Sadly my dh has no annual leave left until October (his work screwed us on paternity leave, meaning he ended up taking it as annual leave as we couldn't afford the alternative). That's a long long story...yuk. I'm not going through it!
My goodness I long for his annual leave to return. He has one day left, which he is taking in 2 weeks time. It's marked on the calendar with a big X!!
WIll definitely be seeking a babysitter!

BsshBossh, I do have plans for what to do when the kids are a bit older, lots of them! The 40-something bored housewife is just my worst-case scenario, and the thing that motivates me to make sure that is not what I become. I've been trying (mostly unsuccessfully) to do some freelance work while at home to keep my CV looking up to date. Childcare is just the biggest issue for me - last week I was crying with frustration as I was called by a recruiter about a job that would be perfect for me. However it was full time and the salary would not even cover the childcare. My problem is I am overqualified and underpaid - got married and had kids quite soon after finishing my Masters, so never really had a chance to get my career off the ground. As a result the only jobs I am experienced enough for are pretty much graduate level and don't pay enough to cover childcare. And as for finding something part time, that's like the holy grail!

Anyway, I keep coming back to the idea of teaching and I think that's what I'm going to do, there is a flexible part time PGCE I could start next year, when DC1 will be starting school and DC2 will be old enough for preschool - I just need to somehow find a way to get the 2 weeks classroom experience I need to even apply for the course. Yet again, childcare is the issue...

Threelittleducks - it sounds to me you maybe need to make some more mum friends who are on your level? I was pregnant with DC2 when we moved here and i made a lot of effort to meet people, even though I am naturally quite shy... if I got on with someone at a toddler group I would brazenly ask for their number and suggest meeting for coffee, I got involved in the NCT, etc etc. As a result I now have lots of mum friends who I would class as real friends - we get together so the kids can play and we have a laugh together, we don't just talk about the kids and there is none of that competitive parenting crap. Also, how old is your eldest? Is there no way he could go to preschool a couple of mornings? DC1 went from age 2.5, it cost £12 per 3 hour session but it was absolutely worth it. And DH could pay for it through childcare vouchers. Just a thought.

Threelittleducks, so while you're waiting for your DH's annual leave to kick in again, book that Saturday morning off now .

smallpotato, good luck with the PGCE. Your childcare costs will dramatically drop when they're in school so you're salary will not be eaten up as much (though as a teacher you'll still need wrap around care I think). We'll be saving £1000 a month (we live in London and our childcare costs are high). But then I'll be dropping my hours considerably as I start pursuing something new (secret) so no wrap around care will be needed either.

[is very interested in bsshbossh's big secret]

I'm a full time SAHM because the care and development of my children is more important than anything else. Even my own boredom.

I am a fulltime SAHM by choice. It is an often drudgerous and boring lot.

Sounds funny, but I took up sewing, and now I am enjoying myself. I really needed a mental/creative challenge that I could do at home and work in around the kids. I started out making little cute items for the house and now I make dresses and tailored jackets for me, me, ME!

See teanabickie, I am not at all convinced that a bored, miserable mother is the best thing for children. Or do you think your children don't notice that you're pasting on a smile and desperate for wine o'clock?

I'm a SAHM, Full time, and do admit I find it a bit of a drudge at times, but I have to say no more than I found full time paid employment. I've built up a good network of friends and try to keep in touch with friends from before the baby years. I'm pursuing my own business of creating celebration cakes, which I can fit round my children. I don't think I could really say I'm bored, but I do miss certain things, like having a few drinks at the local during lunch time. I'd be asleep within seconds if I even sniffed the air of a pub, but that's a different issue.

We all love our children and do what we think is best for them, but if you're bored just remember you were probably bored before, at least there's no comute now.

This has made me feel better too. Have had a week of toddler meltdowns, melding with the sofa feeding 4mo and feeling like a spoilt teenager getting frustrated with MIL. It will all feel joyful in a week or so I'm sure. Thank you!

I must be very strange but I love being at home love it. Had a well paid successful career ( I think in similar field as Xenia) did it for 15 years and hated the hours and culture. If you want boring try reading a 600 page PFI contract through the night . Glad I've done it for financial reasons and proved to myself that I could do it but love the freedom of not being chained to an office and enjoy spending time with the children (though have two relatively easy little girls do appreciate other/more kids can be more challenging). For me the key is hanging out with likeminded people in the days so the children can play an you can have intelligent adult contact, minimal housework and lots of Radio 4. Who knows what the future holds, but no one knows that and cannot live your life on the basis of "what if".

Threed, you don't want time to yourself, just you and a friend but you described the same relief that most parents of either sex feel when they go to work. I can remember now (and my oldest is 26) the relief when we went out to work at 7.45am. (She was the baby who never slept) - Just to get on the tube and sit and read for 30 minutes without having her around lovely though she was and is. Loveyl to get back from work to see her of course but we both needed those breaks from her whilst working. The sheer relaxation of being at work, pacing yourself subject to work demands etc etc. Most women are happiest if they work rather than stay at home and they always have.

in all cultures in all times women and men have had help with children. Roman women had slave girls. The Indians in Africa have African servants. My grandmother went to India i the 1920s to be a nanny to a white family there. Victoria women had huge numbers of servants, whetehr they worked or not, poor Victorian women went to work in factories, siblings minded children. Women leave the Phillipines today and their children to work in the UK. Medievel women even sent children off for years to wet nurses. It is teh housewive model which is aberrant and leads to unhappiness not the suggestion that women and men are not made to do chidlcare of under 5s 2/47. They aren't and most hate it and plenty of us find working full time is the better choice.

I was reading some research into 'intensive motherhood,' linked to my studies, and one researcher traced how through the years mothers have been tasked with more and more. It's not enough now to ensure your children are warm, fed and loved. Now you are responsible for their psychological development and them reaching their potential and failure in this quest comes down to the choices you made for them as a parent. Now we are not just parents, we parent in a particular way to get a result - a child that meets our expectations.

This a pressure that I think leads many women to stay at home and cultivate their children in the same way they cultivated a demanding career; child needs the best of everything, school, activities (Mandarin, violin) to fulfil this demand, to
'aid their development.'