Bored by full-time motherhood

[boredtodeath]

I was made redundant last year after 12 years in a very demanding job. I decided to view it as a positive thing (I got a decent redundancy package so was not in financial dire straits) and throw myself into finally having time to be with my children aged 6 and 2. The only trouble is that I am unspeakably bored. Has anyone else felt this way or am I just a horrible mother? I adore them both but I feel like the household maid rather than the Mary Poppins-esque woman I had hoped to be. Where am I going wrong? Is there anyone out there who feels the same?

I don't know who anyone is in RL but you recognise the names of the people who post regularly. I like that I can post on a thread and debate without people remembering that they agreed/disagreed with me on a thread last week or whatever.

hell no one on mn takes heed of names.i dont recall who said what

Well I've seen people bringing arguments from other threads over so some people do scottishmummy.

We can have it all but not at the same time is one of the worst and most damaging statements that sexists put out and which is very bad for women. Many many women including many on this thread are as able as someone with a penis to work and have a loving family life.

You can work and have children and really enjoy life and indeed benefit your children more than being at home. You can have all that at the same time and it's the best choice.

Maybe the best choice for you Xenia. I don't need to work financially and I don't feel that the break would make me a better mother. I would be miserable at work.

Xenia, I never said you couldn't do all those things. I know plenty of mums who work full time including my sister, who is a brilliant mum. It just doesn't work for me, for a variety of reasons.

I said not necessarily at the same time, because I don't see why it has to be such a cut and dried choice. I want to stay at home with my kids when they are little. I also want to have a fulfilling career once they are a bit older. Nothing wrong with that.

Unlike you though, I don't make the assumption that what works for me will work for everyone. It's not the best choice, just my choice.

Xenia, I never said you couldn't do all those things. I know plenty of mums who work full time including my sister, who is a brilliant mum. It just doesn't work for me, for a variety of reasons.

I said not necessarily at the same time, because I don't see why it has to be such a cut and dried choice. I want to stay at home with my kids when they are little. I also want to have a fulfilling career once they are a bit older. Nothing wrong with that.

Unlike you though, I don't make the assumption that what works for me will work for everyone. It's not the best choice, just my choice.

scottishmummy I was bang in your corner until the 'not a job' comment.

See, the only confidence ( of which I have litle of any more) that I am taking from this whole position that I find myself in is that it is a job.

See, I would argue that, because I work my ass off.

Do I get a lunch break? Nope.
Annual leave? Nope.
Sick Pay? Nope.
Yep, that's 24/7, a whole year, no matter where I am, no matter what I am doing in my life.

If I was at work I would get a respected amount of time to eat, dammit, even get to pee alone. At home with 2 under 3, no!
That's night shift and day shift.

I'm arguing that those at work are sticking to work rules for the time they are at work. That means structured time. With travel to and fro - which allows time for free thought.

Work allows time to talk to other adults about adult things. Popping to the shops on your way home? That's time alone in which you are being an adult. Two 'labels', yes, tough. Yes, hard to juggle. But it gives an extra dimension and helps you be someone else and fulfill potential and be something else for a few hours. And that is lucky.

Yes, some do make it a 'lifestyle choice' but a lot of people do not. And they are 'lucky' in some respects, yes. I count my blessings every day that I get to watch my 2 grow up and change every day. But for those times that I feel like I want to throw myself down the stairs because other women think I have an easy ride, the days that I want to run away because I'm so on edge, the days where I feel like my whole future has been ruined because I have no way out ( and by golly, it really does feel like that), I feel very unlucky. It's kind of like being on an infinite shift. The days where dh says to me 'go down town for the morning' or my FIL takes the boys for a couple of hours until dh gets home to take over are the only times I can actually switch off, and they are very rare.

People assume you are happy.
People assume it's your only role and you love it.
People assume you made this choice.
And for a lot it is. And for a lot, it's not the case.

It is a job, unlike any other. Yes, being 'parent' is an infinite job, whether you work or not, but for those of us who have made the 'choice', or not in a lot of cases, to stay at home with the children there is little consideration for what this actually means.

By small coincidence I am doing a course on Health Care.

We are currently studying Labonte's model of health. The modes of health and well-being are defined by: enjoying social relationships (fine if you have them - hard to get sometimes. Iknow I feel more cut off from childless friends and find it hard to meet new people now I have small children), feeling control over life/living conditions (hard to feel if you are not earning therefore not having control over what is happening in your life), ability to do things one enjoys (not always possible due to financial constraints/having little ones), and vitality/energy (again !)

good luck with your future studies.health is a v rewarding career

The assumption that sahms do endless coffee mornings and raffles is a huge generalisation.

I read Russian Literature. I have written 20,000 words of a book and have entered a short story into a highly regarded competition. I did a creative writing course. I take an interest in child development and find it fascinating and implement some of what I learn in my parenting.

Miggsie you may see childcare as 'boring shite' and akin to slavery, you may not be able to 'regress' into a pre-schoolers brain, that is fair enough. But you have admitted with your assertions that it takes certain types to be able to do those things you admit you cannot. However labelling it as boring and generalising about what sahms do is demeaning that role. Is that because on some level you are disappointed you cannot do it?

Children are fascinating. We were all one once. It takes great skill, patience, creativity and endurance to nurture a child and aid their development. To understand how their brain works and how they think is a marvellous gift and actually quite fascinating.

I admit I couldn't be a good business woman. I don't have the skills or the personality. However I do not undermine business women because I couldn't do it. I admire and applaud it and good business women are needed in the world. Don't patronise women who are good at child caring whether they be the child's mother or a paid childminder. Someone's got to do it and thank god there are women who can do it well

Thank You :)
Luck I need
Have always prided myself on being a brilliant student. I am somewhat lacking in that department also since being SAHM. One of the things that grates the most is the sheer frustration of never doing one thing then moving on to another before I am needed elsewhere. Poor nails haven't seen a file in a week and a half! Never mind the essay I'm supposed to be writing!
(Bad MN, bad!)

[loves mn emoticon]

what branch of health do you want to specialise in?
have you done any placements

Lysithia, I could be an excellent business woman.
Sometimes it grates.
But the great irony of what I'm doing at the moment as a SAHM is that, as much as I realise what I am missing 'career' wise, I am also taking a great joy in investigating childhood again. I am extremeley interested in child development and did a great deal of research in my final year at uni into it.
I guess my great hope is that I will fashion a passion out of it and do some excellent research and publish a fabulous article.
The guilt at not taking extreme joy in my time at home is sometimes excruciating.
Sad, but true.

No placements unfortunately as no childcare. Had the option but couldn't take it :(
I want to specialise in childhood development or the elderly - I feel they are quite close. Especially the elderly with mental health problems.

they are v diff specialisms to work in though.different chronological age bring diff presentation,some of which are age specific eg alzheimers

I had (& still have, although I am now on an extended unpaid leave) a very well paid job in an investment bank (£70k a year)...but since having DS 14 months ago I am trying my best to avoid going back to work as I am having too much fun staying home taking care of him. I never wanted a child, and for the first few months absolutely hated the drudgery of taking care of a young baby. I was planning on going back to work when he was three months old, but then suddenly fell in love with him and am now, I guess, officially a SAHM. Rather a lifechange for an almost 40-something career woman.....I can appreciate it's not for everyone, but I LOVE being at home & taking care of DS every day. I think I'm lucky in that I have supportive DH who wanted a kid more than I did, so is happy for me to stay home. Career can go up poo creek without a paddle!

Indeed, although I believe they can be linked. It's very interesting how we regress as we get older. Shakespeare says something about it which I love:

The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slippered pantaloon
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank, and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

I find it fascinating.

I think there is an element for some women who say they 'couldn't' be a SAHM that putting the role down makes them feel better. They can't do it but it's a rubbish role anyway/not even a job - they are incapable of stooping so low etc so I don't get offended.

linked by emapthy and approach of staff -yes definitely
but are different specialism with different presentations,the clinical pathways of aging are not same as child development.and both demand diff skills

Well, I guess I'll make the decision when the time comes. For now, Health Studies :)

what do you qualify as at end of course?

Depends what my degree pathway is. I can choose just to opt out at the end of this and just have an equivalent of SVQ3.

id recommend pursue something with HCP registration eg nurse,ot,physio
this will give a more structured career path and an amount of stability.

Threelittleducks - I'm going to do SALT which has specialisms in adults or children, might suit you.

BTW - TSEliot poem is about an old guy visiting prostitutes not about SAHM at coffee mornings