Bored by full-time motherhood

[boredtodeath]

I was made redundant last year after 12 years in a very demanding job. I decided to view it as a positive thing (I got a decent redundancy package so was not in financial dire straits) and throw myself into finally having time to be with my children aged 6 and 2. The only trouble is that I am unspeakably bored. Has anyone else felt this way or am I just a horrible mother? I adore them both but I feel like the household maid rather than the Mary Poppins-esque woman I had hoped to be. Where am I going wrong? Is there anyone out there who feels the same?

but if sahm does majority of childcare,she has made it womens work.whether or not that was a conscious ideological decision,well thats for her and dp to discuss.realistically though, if the woman is sahp then the role and remit is majority hers then that has become the womans role.

im more contesting the its only money,cant one downsize and eke out an existence. it is oft touted on mn as the solution.it isnt that easy

but essentially we all adapt and do what we feel is right for our families

and as thread attests for some sahm is wonderful, for some not so

Well no I don't think childrearing should be just women's work

I believe it should be shared bewteen both parents, extended family and the wider community

But the irony of your assertions Xenia is that it is your very capitalist ideals that have led to childcare being predominantly the woman's realm

Increasing expectations of material wealth have led to an inbalance between the sexes and longer working hours for all. Men work away from home longer, women move away from extended family to gain more earning power. Nothing wrong with that but you can't have it both ways.

Capitalism and western ideals were largely created by men, who sought to use the inbalance of power to get ahead in that particular game. It will not empower women in the long run to be a slave to it. Why not embrace other ideals? Nurturing, working in harmony with nature and community. Why not make childrearing the centre of community instead of viewing it as this domestic drudge to moan about all the time? The less we seek to posess the more time there will be for men and women to share parenting

but inanna the money made and lifestyle lived determines ones health outcomes and morbidity.and so ones death bed.the manual labourer will die earlier and in a different deathbed to the banker. salary and placed lived determine health inequalities. isnt just money its much more

take glasgow, in diff parts of the city residents have completely different socio-economic and health outcomes. so the age and way one arrives at the so called deathbed is determined by class,salary,and lifestyle.so given your hypotheses maybe some would ponder life unfair,to be here at this age

and the "glasgow effect" is fascinating health reading if anyone interested

I don't get this debate at all. Why is it always presented as "either or"?
The majority of women I know with young kids work part time, in careers they were working in full time pre-kids.
Or, lets be honest "jobs" not " careers".
Not all of us have these really high flying careers where it matters sooo much if we take a couple of years off when our children are small.

My one friend who works FT has her own business (like xenia) and is based near her home, which makes it a lot easier than having children and working full time for a boss.
Also, her dh is a teacher, and so covers holidays etc.

For myself, I have been a student and worked part time, which seemed to be the best balance.
I would hate to only see my son for two hours a day max, and he would miss me like crazy.

They say its "quality time" that counts, well, I am not so sure.
I think, actually, it's just being around a bit.
Not even necessarily doing stuff with them, crafts and whatnot, but simply being nearby so they can chat to you, ask you things, potter about.
I wouldn't have missed that part of my son's life, but at the same time I wouldn't have wanted to be home ALL the time.

We don't have to get macho about it, and all this talk about earning shed loads of cash to be your own woman etc etc is a bit daft as far as the majority of people who just rub along are concerned.

I don't see it as some competition whereby if you take on the majority of childcare you lose, or you have been had in some way.
Like I said, I would hate to have missed out on it.

Also, there is nothing to say you can't work less, work part time, or not at all for a few years and then later pick up your career (job!) again later, or start your own business.

Our lives are not set in stone and are constantly shifting and changing according to what we need at the time.

If you, OP are bored being a sahm, the choice doesn't have to be between the power suited 40 + hour week and playdough.
Find a compromise, that's what life is about imo.

sorry - stupid phone wouldn't let me preview my post. i meant to make the point that ff'ing does NOT mean you've been misled by advertsing etc; that you may in fact have made a well-thought-out choice.
scottishmummy, i find your assertion that if a woman does the majority if the childcare, then she has made it woman's work, somewhat offensive. i made the decision to be at home based not on any feminist ideal, but on what i believe to be best for my small children. but that doesn't mean i'm not interested in the aims of feminism.

scottishmummy, i do take your point re money, lifestyle and morbidity rates. i'm not disputing that. i think though that very quickly the pursuit of money, material possessions etc can all too easily cross over into being an empty pursuit, done for its own sake. that's what the capitalist machine requires of us, and it's immensely powerful.
maybe i'm weird...but we're brassic, and i'm all right with that. obviously i wouldn't choose it, but it seems like a small price to pay.

youre being a bitty precious and finding offence v easily
its straightforward common sense- if a sahm does the majority of the childcare and housewifery she has undertaken an allocation, demarcation of said roles in her relationship

now,read carefully,this individual act initself doesn't automatically make childcare womens work,but it doesn't also doesnt dispel that it isnt it either

now here is the rub couples individually decide how they will divvy up responsibilities etc. and for many of it varies. as any mn thread will tell you.depends upon us and depends upon our partners how it pans out

back to the original op, well she need to plan her re-entry tp workplace imo.given money isn't biggie she is v lucky and can stsrt lower salary and get foot in door again

x posts. the rub is choice.youre happy with your choice
its trickier when no choice,and people are unhappy and compelled
of course capitalism impinges- we live in a capitalist society. there are alternatives and tweeks one can make, but essentially if live in uk we live under capitalism

I think Xenia is presenting a very either/or debate so that is why I challenged her.

Socioeconomic circumstances dictate health and life expectency yes. But beyond a certain point wealth and posessions can be meaningless.

Nothing is black and white. For some the workplace and wealth provide meaning for others the workplace means food on the table and a roof over their head. Some couldn't stay at home all day with small children others thrive on it

Each to their own yes. But I still maintain that the emptiness a lot have felt at times derives from blind pursuit of western ideals without really stopping to think what it means.

But everyone here in the UK has a choice, really.
I have been about as poor as it's possible to be in this country, and it's not exactly fun, but no-one starves.
I did choose that, at the time, because I am well practiced at living on nowt, and I money was less important to me than time.
It's different in the US (where i have also lived) as that is a truly capitalist society.

Must say good debate though! Stimulating for us bored sahms

acquisition of items isn't necessarily blind pursuit.it can be conscious choice.and that choice can be positive driven force.not all people are wage slaves it is possible to be vocationally and mentally stimulated and get a salary too

is too reductionist to assume wages and consumer durable = wage slave
or minimalist spending,less consumer spending = worthy and happy

a lot of sahm is facilitated by a male wage.does that make partner wage slave?having to maintain a sahm and children.with little chance of packing in work unless the sahm returns and earns. so the sahm is inextricably dependent upon capitalism too.

sorry, scottishm, not meaning to be precious. i do find my hackles go up easily when challenged on this subject. might be that as a sahm my sense of priority is a little skewed [disingenuous]

no one should feel challenged or got at,we all make our individual choices
i knew id never sahm,nursery booked at 12wk pg.and ive never wavered from that. wasn't until antenatal group when i met the precious moments mamas who berated it that id encountered such views.ime in real life no one discusses this stuff or sweats it

and yes it is an stimulating thread

Also for some people life just changes
I had an improbably successful career and am now retraining in something completely different
It was weird being at home at first. Weird filling the days. Weird finding my feet with the children
Now I'm enjoying it and getting good at appreciating things I would never have noticed before. I don't think it's easier to be at home but I'm enjoying it.

I find not having a title hard tbh. When people ask what I do it still feels weird to say I'm a mum at home. I feel judged by that and it makes me question what judgements I have made of others and what having that job really meant to me.

I think you can enjoy different things at different times. I agree that nothing is set in stone.

scottishm - your earlier post re "sag aloo", gurus (and also a much earlier one i noticed while re-reading this thread about this not being a hippy commune) - did make me feel just a teeny bit judged for having a different perspective to yours, if i'm honest...
also loving this thread though.

yes i do judge that woo hoo nonsense,doesn't mean you have to accept it. and i imagine you have strident views on capitalism and pursuit of consumer durables as empty and worthless. doesn't mean i have to accept it.or think shes taking about me when i read it

thats the point words on a screen -manonymous discursive forum

I hated being a SAHM (maternity leave) and i would not choose to do so again for all the tea in China. It was a thankless task and bloody hard work.
OP, continue to look for another job.

I hate the idea that if you are a SAHM you are a mug for doing womens work.
I am a SAHM for financial reasons - I don't earn enough to pay someone else to look after mine.

What about childminders they are effectively SAHM's for other peoples children.
Are they mugs?
Or are they, because they earn a salary for doing it they are somehow valued more?

SAHM are not valued by society and are not given credit for the good work we do. Yes they are my kids I look after all day - but why would it be more highly thought of if they were someone elses?

When frustrated by being at home, I have found it useful to attach a monetry value to the services I provide -
Childcare £980 / month
Ironing £60 / month
Cleaning £60 / month
Seeing as though everything in our society revolves around money.

I view my relationship as a partnership, although my choice to stay at home was mine and mine alone, he totally respects me and realises that it is in no way his decision to make. It works for us, although I might have to get a job in the future and have worked part time before when DS1 was a baby up to DS2's birth.

Like you say nothing is set in stone.

oops

'What about childminders they are effectively SAHM's for other peoples children.
Are they mugs?
Or are they, because they earn a salary for doing it they are somehow valued more?'

was supposed to read:

What about childminders they are effectively SAHM's for other peoples children.
Are they mugs?
Or are they, because they earn a salary for doing it somehow valued more?

you're way of mark.cm are registered, inspected and self employed.have to demonstrably work to certain standards of childcare.it is a job

a sahm has no standards to adhere to - does own thing and there is no external legislation enforced. it is not a job and doesnt attract a salary

What is SAHMotherhood if it is not a job?

of course sahm not job as in employment.risible to suggest otherwise
its the stuff parents do. all parents. the emotional and practical tasks that parents do.some parents do it at weekend and evening after work, and some dont work and do it at home

Of course it is job, and it is a job that those who work pay someone else good money to do.
Granted it doesn't have the bureaucracy that childminding has but when you peer through the mound of paperwork a childminder/ nursery worker does the same job as a good mother who stays at home. (good as in does stimulating things with children, feeds them healthy food etc etc)
The thing is all parents don't do it all of the time - SAHM's do do all of the time and get little respect for it from people like you. Because it cannot be quantified.
The 10 hours a day I would be out of the house if I worked outside the home are spent working hard - school runs, making freshly cooked meals, cleaning and tidying, and of course doing things with my children.