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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bored by full-time motherhood

338 replies

boredtodeath · 25/05/2011 15:18

I was made redundant last year after 12 years in a very demanding job. I decided to view it as a positive thing (I got a decent redundancy package so was not in financial dire straits) and throw myself into finally having time to be with my children aged 6 and 2. The only trouble is that I am unspeakably bored. Has anyone else felt this way or am I just a horrible mother? I adore them both but I feel like the household maid rather than the Mary Poppins-esque woman I had hoped to be. Where am I going wrong? Is there anyone out there who feels the same?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 17:49

no sahm isnt a job.daft to suggest otherwise.its a lifestyle choice

peaceofcake · 29/05/2011 17:51

So you do not acknowledge the hard work SAHM's like me put in?

Being a dual income family is also a lifestyle choice.

NorthernGobshite · 29/05/2011 18:03

no one is disputing its hard work, but its not a job.

scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 18:03

you asked is sahm a job?
no emphatically its not a job
no one comes round anyone else house and acknowledges the laundry done,dinner cooked,support and nurturing given to dc. LOL i could equally ask do you come to my house and congratulate and acknowledge on our parenting. errr no of course not. so hardly likely im going to single you or anyone else out for acknowledgement

and yes of course we made a lifestyle choice to both work ft.that how we planned it.

onlion · 29/05/2011 18:05

I work out of the home 3 days a week. I am a sahm 4 days a week. I do not acknowledge that the sahm days are difficult or equal in my case.Not by a freakin long shot

onlion · 29/05/2011 18:15

Im sorry, Im not one of the "sahm is a job" believers. Its not a job, its looking after you kids and family.

scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 18:18

no sahm or oarent isnt a job at all
i can switch off from work, i have changed posts, moved about. i love work but its incomparable to being parent.im never switched off to my children.

onlion · 29/05/2011 18:19

Dont get me wrong, its a large and valuable contribution to the family. A job, however, it ismt imo.

onlion · 29/05/2011 18:21

Really scottishmummy? I reckon I get switch off times....like first thing in the morning before they wake and after bed. I know they are safe and well and tucked up and so can "switch off" in the same way I "switch off" from my paid employment.

scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 18:26

i easily compartmentalise but cannot switch the dc off.they are always on my mind on some level.but its up and down like a volume control.

work i have to be able to switch off (never completely) to retain sanity if i didnt id be switched on thinking 24-7

onlion · 29/05/2011 18:28

I cant switch my work off like that as my job permeates home life..its not 9-5 engagement.

scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 18:30

ah,ok i have a workplace that i travel too.and its blessed relief to finish and get home sometimes.

onlion · 29/05/2011 18:32

Oh i go there as well but the work carries on to home so it merges. I think its sad you cant have moments in your head where you are just you and the kids arent on your mind. :(

scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 18:38

approbation from work gives me plenty of me moments
but of course i think of the kids. like a volume control though it varies throughout day and situational context eg at 8am i know its drop off time, so think about that

but i am v happy with my balance and arrangements we make

onlion · 29/05/2011 18:41

See I dont think of mine all the time. I can be here at home with ds in the next room watching a movie and I genuinely can have an hour or so when he isnt on my mind. I can write or think about something else then.

Miggsie · 29/05/2011 18:54

This thread just shows why men conveniently arranged the world to label all the really boring shite as "women's work" and also, why slavery was so popular for so many centuries...you just had to have enough money to offload the crap onto someone with no economic alternative.

And I couldn't hack it as a SAHM, it was dull, no real stimulation, reading a good book with a toddler in the house is not viable, toddler needs lots of stimulation suitable for a 3 year old brain, my brain is 40, it cannot regress to a 3 yo brain. DH blatantly admits the years 0-5 of DD's life were incredibly difficult for him, neither of us has any aptitude for entertaining young children. I admire people who can, which is why I put DD in nursery so she got that fabulous interaction which I could not provide for her.

My mum was a SAHM which clearly left her bored and restless, there are only so many cakes one can bake for cake stalls and raffles you can hold before it gets very dull. Repetitive is the main problem for me, my paid employment is always different as I get involved in different projects but young children and housework: every day, the same sort of thing...

I have always liked the TS Elliot quote: "I have measured out my life in coffee spoons" which sums up the tedium of domesticity and endless coffee mornings so well. ("In the room the women come and go, speaking of Michael Angelo"). A beautifully observed comment on his mother's comfortable and dull middle class life.

scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 18:58

socialsciencetastic conspiracy theory tosh.women have ability and choice to work too. some chose to work, some chose sahm.this isn't necessarily a big male hegemony. thete are undoubted inequalities yes

but some women also frequently claim childcare,childrearing and family as their dsomain.see it on mn a lot.and that is also not particularly helpful.all the i am goddess i am mother proclamations

wowwowwubbzywubbzywubbzywowwow · 29/05/2011 20:03

Being a SAHM is a job! Of course mums who work also bring up their kids but the time they are at work someone else is looking after them - often someone who is doing it as a paid job unless you're lucky enough to get free childcare from relatives.
Also I can't understand the argument that people like to work because they get bored with playdates and child-centred conversation because a) there is no reason why that's all you have to do if you don't work and b) people with kids who I worked with before I had children used to bore the pants off me talking about their kids as much as any mums at toddler group.
My kids will both be at school by the time I'm 30 and I will have the rest of my life to work. I want to enjoy them and spend time with them while they're small and I think it is of benefit to them. If others want to work for their own reasons then that is their choice but I don't see why mothers who work have to so often put SAHM's down saying that they are boring and what they do isn't valid or stimulating. Those stereotypes are equally as untrue as saying that all women who work are cold child-haters who don't want to raise their own kids. People do what is best for them. Some people might find being a SAHM boring just as a lot of people find their paid jobs boring but a lot of SAHMs like me love what they do and cherish the time they have with their kids, have intellectual friends and don't spend all day drinking coffee and talking about babies and if other SAHM's do only those things then they can't really complain if they're bored!

smallpotato · 29/05/2011 20:28

Xenia, yet again your generalisations are really starting to bug me. How do you know that 'most' SAHMs regret it? Have you done a survey? How many SAHMs do you actually know?

As several posters have very eloquently put it, life has nuance and it is not so black and white. Many mothers work part time, many have a few years as a SAHM and then go back to work or retrain. It is not as sinple as you make out.

I heard a really good quote once (maybe on mumsnet?) along the lines of "we can have it all, just not necessarily all at the same time" - it sums things up for me at the moment as pre-kids I had a career I enjoyed, now I'm having a few years of being a SAHM, then in a couple of years I hope to re-train and then have 30-odd years of working in a new career.

northernrock · 29/05/2011 20:32

I agree with wowwowetc but must insist she changes her silly name forthwith Wink

scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 20:39

mn is awash with everyones opinion on everything

and when one concur it a good observation,when one disagree its a generalisation

MistressFrankly · 29/05/2011 20:40

If you are bored, do something. I love being at home with DD but could not do it without anything else to do. I work part time to have some marvellous me time when i know dd is safe and i can do what i please. I used to be a nightclub manager so being a sahm is VERY different. I work part time to hold on to a bit of my prebaby life so that when i am in mum mode i am completely happy being there and devoting my time soley to her without resenting a moment. Think about what you miss doing and find a way to do it. Kids need happy stimulated mums to set them a good example.

Rannaldini · 29/05/2011 20:47

why the focus on whether or not sahmumming is a job?
some will consider it to be, some won't. Some will be Anthea Turner at it, some won't.
As long as you have a choice and do something that you are happy with that suits your circumstances it's grand. It doesn't mean that working outside the home is better or staying at home is better.

To say that it isn't a job because you don't have a boss or standards to be adhered to is risible imo. A job can be simply a series of tasks that need to be completed daily or weekly imo and that clearly falls into the remit of sahm. Ditto giving undue weight to the lack of paycheque. Many of the tasks carried out by sahm would otherwise be farmed out to another who is paid for them. Sometimes it's just a money shuffle. I know that sounds a bit Dave Cameron but each household should manage their finances to suit themselves.

We seriously considered my h being a sahd as at the time we were losing more money with both of us being in work and having the children in childcare than had one of us stayed at home. We decided that, for he and his career, it was important to bite the bullet and carry on with the slog. It paid off for us both.
I'm glad to have the money and time to be able to retrain now

We are happy with our choices but that may be because they really were choices.

wowwowwubbzywubbzywubbzywowwow · 29/05/2011 21:29

I'm focussing on it because I don't like people trying to undermine what I do.

northernrock - don't worry I tend to namechange after a few days. I like the fact I've been on here for ages and no-one knows who I am.

Rannaldini · 29/05/2011 21:37

i don't know who anyone is on here...like the ott secrecy though
thought this was supposed to be a website used by millions