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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DD is promiscuous and unreasonable?

377 replies

dangerousdebbie1 · 23/05/2011 20:26

DD, been going out with boyfriend for six weeks. She only turned 17 nine days ago. DD met her boyfriend at a guiding / scouting convention and they hit it off. Unfortunately, he lives 81 miles away in Nottingham. Anyway, just had a blazing row with DH and DD as DD announces that boyfriend is coming to visit next weekend and when I asked her where she thought he would sleep, she looked at me with aghast, and said in my bed of course.

Rightly or wrongly, I said over my dead body. I told DD in no uncertain terms that this was our home and not a brothel. DH says i'm out of order and reminded me that this is 2011 and not 1951.

I have been in tears over this. Sorry, but it wouldn't matter if she was 17 or 21, she isn't married so I will not let her share a bed in my house. Am confused.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/05/2011 23:06

my husband told me it is time to get to bed

hahhahahahaaaaa

nice touch Smile

NulliusInVerba · 23/05/2011 23:07

Respect others, as long as they do as they are told and agree with everything you say?

The same attitude you have to others here?

Goodness I thought I had quite conservative views on sex but really you are on another level. I amazed you manage to have sex at all and are not consumed by guilt and feelings of being hideously dirty. Or does God give you a round of applause each time for your lovely "moral" sex?

Al0uiseG · 23/05/2011 23:07

Go forth and procreate Wink.

ReindeerBollocks · 23/05/2011 23:09

Oh come on, we all know that those who preach are the filthiest women we know Wink.

Just on the off chance it's real (and yes I heed the warning LeQueen) then you are right about what happens in your house - just stop calling your daughter a whore.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 23/05/2011 23:10

listeningstick where in the bible does it say 'though must not get pregnant and clam benefits'?

manicbmc · 23/05/2011 23:10

Maybe they do it through a sheet so as not to witness each others' vileness?

SpeedyGonzalez · 23/05/2011 23:11

Get off that fence, Reindeer! Wink

smallmotherbigheart · 23/05/2011 23:11

Oh yeah thats right, its the poor, non- religious bastards that are to blame!! Burn them I say!! Every last one!!! This halloween we shall have a new witch hunt, and the rich and righteous married people shall prevail!!

Yes, truly ridiculous..... But thank you, you made the evening ever so amusing!!

Do not, I repeat do not use the bible in such a context ever again. You should be ashamed of yourself. And while your here, please refer to the part of the bible which mentions mary magdelene and the majority of the disciples. Then go and repent, because you have ignored one of the prominent teachings; judge not, lest you be judged

BearBehavingBadly · 23/05/2011 23:12

As others have said your house, your rules.
Which I respect.

BUT to call your daughter a whore & accuse her of turning the house into a brothel is cruel, horrid & ABUSE.

Not kind
& not very Christian at all :(

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 23/05/2011 23:16

listeningstick some of us are striving for a spirituality that transcends anything that can be found in works of fiction such as the Bible, and if jolly evenings in your home are spent passing a listening stick around the table I hope you will try to listen to others with your heart, as well as what may between your ears.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 23/05/2011 23:17

Actually, didn't Jesus forsake all his worldly goods and live upon the charity of others?

Joolyjoolyjoo · 23/05/2011 23:19

Poor OP!

My mum would have had exactly the same reaction and said pretty much the same things (one of her favourites was, "Why would he buy the cow, when he can get the milk for free?"- great imagery, no?!)

I made up my own mind, and slept with my first boyfriend at 17. But I respected my mum's views and didn't shove it in her face. She was happy in her ignorance (although I think she suspected) and I was happy with the decisions I made. It never ever came between us- we were very close, always.

For those saying that the mum's stance will wreck their relationship- I don't think that is true at all. I have lots of friends who have different moral stances from me, and we still get on fine. If you (the OP) don't want your dd sleeping in the same bed as her boyfriend, that's up to you. Your dd should respect your viewpoint. Don't assume, however, that it will affect her decision as to whether or not she might sleep with him. Having said that, my mum's strong moral stance (catholic!) on the whole thing did make me think more before, and I still believe I have been affected (in a good way!) by many of her morals today, even if I didn't choose to interpret them as she would have liked!

LadyOfTheManor · 23/05/2011 23:20

I didn't read anywhere that the OP was a Christian.

Did I miss that bit? I read that she doesn't approve of sex before marriage, but that doesn't indicate Christendom. Have I genuinely missed something?

Supermoo · 23/05/2011 23:22

Oooh, I've only read some of the million pages of this thread, but OP - what a horrible, hurtful, idiotic thing to say to your dd!

I hope you sleep on this, and that when your anger/shock/whatevs fades that you are ashamed of yourself.

You are not upholding your moral standards, you are verbally abusing your dd and imposing your warped and outdated views on sexuality on her. Of course you can state that you don't want them to share a bed in your house, but why is your DH not allowed a say in this?

You are honestly being a crazy person. You need to stop wittering on about morals and values and think about what you are doing in the longer term.

TheSecondComing · 23/05/2011 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

smallmotherbigheart · 23/05/2011 23:23

Maybe they do it through a sheet so as not to witness each others' vileness?

Oh, yes!!! Lets not forget the many alternatives, armpit sex, ear sex.... so so many substitutes. But you know what, if you can't talk to your kids and be honest, you may as well turn a blind eye, because thats what they need. It's so funny how people can mention their religion, but not offer OP any sort of advice or help. The "I would not stand for it" attitude does work either, many of us wouldn't stand for it, we would actually lay down for it, or maybe thats just me. LOL. The point is, 'immorality', doesn't tell anyone anything really, it doesn't fill in the blanks. It says "sex is wrong, but I'm a hypocrite because thats what me and your father do every night....." Therefore, honesty (in a respectful manner) is the best policy. Develop a meaningful and trusting way of communicating with your daughter about this!!

smallmotherbigheart · 23/05/2011 23:25

LadyOfTheManor

yes, somebody made a vile comment about poor bastards in the world who are to blame for all the pre marital sex and benefits system. And then she referred to her religion.... dear oh dear

piprabbit · 23/05/2011 23:28

OP - I think you are spot on to stop your DD sharing her bed with her boyfriend.

I never slept in my boyfriend's bed under his parents roof.

We used to shag on the sofa instead.

(p.s started sleeping with him at 17 and 23 years later we are still together and happily married - glad to know you think I'm a promiscuous whore - makes it all sound so much more exciting than it really was)

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 23/05/2011 23:28

LOTM up at the top. She mentions her faith. It's not her beliefs that arethe problem. It's the way she spoke to her DD. She accused her of turning the house into a brothel. Is suggesting she is promiscuous and will end up pregnant. It's the poor kids first boyfriend!

AnnieLobeseder · 23/05/2011 23:30

Right, ignoring all the unpleasantness on this thread....

Your DD apparently doesn't share your faith and your morals, which is fair enough. It's also fair enough if you don't want her boyfriend to share her bed in your house.

What is not right is the language you are using. Your DD is not promiscuous nor a prostitute, or treating your home like a brothel. She is treating it like her home, which it is.

Instead of going nuts at her and insulting an alienating her, why don't you talk to her like a rational human being. While you may not believe in sex before marriage and don't want her to get pregnant, ignoring her sexuality and insulting her won't help. It will drive her away, lead her to believe that she cannot talk to you about sex and make it more likely she will end up pregnant.

Talk to her. About love, about respect for herself and respect for her boyfriend. And about respect for you. Talk to her about sex, how ideally it's something special between two people who care for each other, and that she needs to be sure sex is what she wants, not what her boyfriend wants. Let her know you're human, that you were a teenager once and that while you might not be happy with her decisions, she can always talk to you, and you will try to listen without judging her.

My mother was like you. She condemned me as a slut, wouldn't talk to me about sex, disapproved of me. I didn't get pregnant (no welfare for teenage mums in SAfrica so we were VERY careful), but I've never been close to my mum. We see each other quite often but we can't really talk about anything and she has no idea who I am on the inside. Because she was never prepared to listen to me if what I was saying didn't fit into her box of 'acceptable behaviour'. Very sad. I don't want that for you and your daughter, and I would hope you don't either.

Apologise to her. And then talk to her. Please.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 23/05/2011 23:37

My DD is 12. We have spoken at length about sex, morality, contraception and pregnancy. When she gets to the age where she wishes to have sex with her boyfriend, hopefully, we will discuss these things again, and if she decides she wants to have sex, I hope she will be careful and responsible, and able to make informed choices. If she feels the need to have sex under my roof, then better that than outside, or in a car. Because if I banned her from using her own bed, that's what she would do. I don't have faith, OP, but I lay money on there being more chance of your DD ending up pregnant than mine!

smallmotherbigheart · 23/05/2011 23:40

I applaud you.... for being honest, open and in control!!! Well done!!

AnnieLobeseder · 23/05/2011 23:50

you applaud someone for calling her DD a prostitute when she has one boyfriend? Shock

By all means applaud someone for sticking to their beliefs and principles, and for sticking to 'traditional values' in this age of permissiveness - if that's what you believe.

But don't applaud someone for freaking out at her perfectly normal teenager for perfectly normal teenage behaviour and being abusive towards her. That's not being in control. That's sweeping the problem under the carpet and laying the foundations for long-term damage to the mother/daughter relationship. That's dictatorship.

How can the OP expect her daughter to trust her and be open with her when she gets judged so harshly?

manicbmc · 23/05/2011 23:52

I think she might have been applauding the previous poster - well I'm hoping that's the case.

AnyFucker · 23/05/2011 23:52

bloody hell, I thought she was applauding saggy, not the Op !