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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DD is promiscuous and unreasonable?

377 replies

dangerousdebbie1 · 23/05/2011 20:26

DD, been going out with boyfriend for six weeks. She only turned 17 nine days ago. DD met her boyfriend at a guiding / scouting convention and they hit it off. Unfortunately, he lives 81 miles away in Nottingham. Anyway, just had a blazing row with DH and DD as DD announces that boyfriend is coming to visit next weekend and when I asked her where she thought he would sleep, she looked at me with aghast, and said in my bed of course.

Rightly or wrongly, I said over my dead body. I told DD in no uncertain terms that this was our home and not a brothel. DH says i'm out of order and reminded me that this is 2011 and not 1951.

I have been in tears over this. Sorry, but it wouldn't matter if she was 17 or 21, she isn't married so I will not let her share a bed in my house. Am confused.

OP posts:
supersalstrawberry · 23/05/2011 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatVikRinA22 · 24/05/2011 00:04

my mother was like OP, just minus the religion. i met DH at 15. that was the final straw - i didnt bring him home, but i stayed at his place a few nights a week. she went mad, called me some choice names, threatened me with all sorts.
i left home at 15. we had no relationship anyway.
we have not seen each other now for the last 10 years.

op please think very carefully about what you are doing.

PigletJohn · 24/05/2011 00:12

"my house my rules" what a load of bollocks. She'll end up shagging in phone boxes, park benches, the lane beside the gasworks etc. Not a good start to adult life.

Here's a funny thing

My DP's daughter is a strict religionist (and separated), and tells her mum she isn't allowed to share a bed with me when we visit

So when she came to stay in my house, I told her that I have a house rule, all women must have a man in their bed.

mrswhiskerson · 24/05/2011 00:18

Six weeks is quite a short time and seventeen is very young to adults,
but when your seventeen and thinking your in love six weeks seems quite long so your dd will probably think you being unreasonable, but that is part of being a teenager and I think she will thank you for it in future if she hasn't already slept with him .

It is your house and you have every right to not let a man who is a relative stranger sleep in the same room as your teenage daughter. It is different IMO if it is a long term healthy relationship and you know him well.

It is your house and

mrswhiskerson · 24/05/2011 00:28

Sorry forgot to put I don't agree with the marriage aspect at all ,
it is the age and length of relationship of the people involved .
I also think it is wrong to call your daughter promiscous, teenage girls call each other horrible things based on how many boys they are seen with however innocent without their mums doing it too.
I thinkni should have read the whole thread before answering .

CheerfulYank · 24/05/2011 00:31

I didn't sleep with my boyfriend at his parent's house when I was 22! (Which was only seven years ago, thanks! :) ) It's a respect thing; it just never occured to me that I'd sleep anywhere other than the couch. (Well, actually he slept on the couch, I took his bed.)

I don't think you're BU to not allow it, I wouldn't either. But calling it a brothel is unreasonable IMO. I'd apologize for that but mention that the rule still stands.

QueenStromba · 24/05/2011 03:27

I've only read the first page and I never do this because I feel like I should read the whole thread before commenting but I just have to say something. My father called me a whore and that killed any chance of having a relationship with me (I'm not and have never been a prostitute - that's just how he thinks of his own daughter). I was very unlikely to have a relationship with him anyway because he's a complete cock (which I didn't have to tell anyone since you already know that he let me know that he thought I was a whore) but any chance he had that I would forgive him for his previous actions have gone out the window. I do find it rather ironic that Christians can be the least empathetic people around despite the fact that Jesus preached about loving thy neighbour. I'm pretty sure that there were no caveats that went with that such as "love thy neighbour as long as they have the same religion as you" or " love thy neighbour as long as they share your moral code". Christians who are nasty to people because they are gay, or have sex out of wedlock or whatever are the biggest hypocrites going because if Jesus actually existed then he would be distraught at the amount of hatred that has been perpetrated in his name against gay people etc. If you really do think of your daughter as being a whore for wanting to sleep in the same bed as someone she has been seeing for six weeks then I hope that she cuts you out of her life the second she can stand on her own two feet because you are a poisonous witch.

Annpan88 · 24/05/2011 04:27

If she wants to have sex, she'll have sex and it doesn't matter where he sleeps really.

Youi can't change how you feel but I would encourage more open dialogue.all your going to do is alienate her

southofthethames · 24/05/2011 05:15

You're right not to share beds, but not to use the word "brothel", oops! Do have a chat with her and explain your concerns. I have only read the first page and not the subsequent 12 (and page 13 seems a bit poisonous!) I think if you both have a good relationship, she is old enough to listen to your concerns and respect you as an adult. If she isn't and just storms off, then that proves she is still immature. She's only just turned 17. Is her boyfriend 17 yet?

Do you have a spare room? I think courtesy wise it is also more appropriate for him to have his own room as a guest. If there isn't one and he isn't keen on the couch, then he'll have to stay at a B&B. You obviously can't control what your daughter does in the day time when she's with him of course, but it is your home at the end of the day, and your daughter should respect that, if you say no sharing of the room. 17 and still living at home qualifies as still your dependant. If she had a full time job and paid the rent then that's different.

There's also a possibility that if her boyfriend is a scout he might actually not want to share a room or his parents might think less of her if she did. It's one thing to have high standards from one's parents, another thing for one's future in-laws to think you are "easy". Or for her boyfriend to think that. So many issues for her to think through. Contraception. Protection. How to communicate how much is enough, and when to stop. That's a lot for someone you've only known for 6 weeks whom you don't see regularly.

Try to have a calm chat with her again. Definitely I would suggest you say to her you take back the word "brothel" - after all, she's not sharing her room with lots of different boyfriends, just this one! She would have been extremely hurt by that word and extreme hurt unresolved would not get you anywhere. Also wondering if you have had the chat about relationships and sex, and about finding the right person you trust, not just doing it because your peers are or because she feels under pressure to, etc. I don't think she'e trying to defy you, but her peer group may have different expectations and norms about what is acceptable or desirable nowadays, which may not always be right. Good luck! 17 is a difficult age, even at the best of times.

southofthethames · 24/05/2011 05:17

(sorry, only some of page 13 looks poisonous.....just found a few of the sensible and moderate replies....the pages seem to be refreshing at a different rate)

tethersend · 24/05/2011 10:16

What tethersend said.

knittedbreast · 24/05/2011 10:20

she is 17 and legally allowed to have sex, if you are that against it dont let him come and visit but if his parents feel the same be prepared for them to have sex outside somewhere.

i think you are being completly over the top, just because you dont believe in sex before marriage dousnt mean she has to and its her house too. if you put your foot donw hses likely to go elsewhere where you have even less control and shes going to feel like she cant come to you.

I really hope you didnt call her a prostitute to her face, that will have made her feel really awful that her own mothers thinks she a whore.

nethunsreject · 24/05/2011 10:21

no bed sharing fair enough, but BROTHEL ffs! how horrible.

Your poor daughter being called a whore by her own mum for wanting to do what is totally normal!

porcamiseria · 24/05/2011 10:55

god to overeactions! my dad caught me in bed with a boy and called me a slut, c'est la vie. I dont tnink OP is BU, but she maybe needs to calm down a bit

She has hardly abused her daughter here, just say NO you are not sharing bed, and stop the histrionics

porcamiseria · 24/05/2011 10:56

If you really do think of your daughter as being a whore for wanting to sleep in the same bed as someone she has been seeing for six weeks then I hope that she cuts you out of her life the second she can stand on her own two feet because you are a poisonous witch."

oh fuck off, parents are allowed to overeact at times. what a shitty fucking post!!!!!

knittedbreast · 24/05/2011 11:02

i dont know i think the words especially sexual ones you use against a teenage girl can have the worst effects actually. shes developing into a woman and finding her feet. labeling her new sexual feelings as whorish or words to that affect is actually very damaging. sex is part of her life and likening those desires to being a prostitute is very wrong. i hope it dousnt stay with her

seeksnewnamewithgsoh · 24/05/2011 11:03

I wasn't allowed to share my bed with my boyfriend at 17. Nor at 22 when I was living back at home and I'd met my now DH (we could once we were engaged thoguh).

Their house, their rules. It didn't mean I went out shagging in phone boxes Hmm

You shouldn't have called her a prostitute. After six weeks in any relationship, most of us would be thinking about The Next Step.

If it helps, my mom always said I couldn't have boyfriends in my bed because if I thought the idea of my parents having sex was bad, it was nothing compared to how they felt about me having sex. I couldn't really argue with that. Grin

porcamiseria · 24/05/2011 11:08

I also think that 17 is VERY young, just because its over the age of consent does not mean that OPs daughter should leap into bed. alot of people seem to think its conmpletely OK to have just 17 year olds shagging, I think thats wrong

harassedinherpants · 24/05/2011 11:29

I haven't read all of this, but had to post.......

It's all very familiar to me, as OP could have been my parents. I left home at 17 as the relationship with my parents became intolerable. Our relationship suffered for many years.

OP please be aware that you may be driving your dd away, or almost forcing her to behave in a way that she wouldn't normally. It's tough being a teenager.

QueenStromba · 24/05/2011 11:49

So you really think that it's ok for the OP to call her daughter a whore porcamiseria? I'm glad I'm not your daughter.

porcamiseria · 24/05/2011 11:50

where in the OP did it say she called her a whore?

less of the personal abuse, JESUS

piprabbit · 24/05/2011 11:55

Saying your DD is turning your house into a brothel...well you're not calling her a nun are you?

What's your preferred term for a prostitute?

QueenStromba · 24/05/2011 11:56

"I told DD in no uncertain terms that this was our home and not a brothel."

porcamiseria · 24/05/2011 11:57

having a hysterical mother saying "I wont have this home as a brothel" is hardly the same as calling her a cock sucking whore

she is being a bit 1950s but some of the abuse levelled at her is WAAAAY OTT

Takeresponsibility · 24/05/2011 11:57

CBA to read the wholew thing but I went for middle ground and both my kids (DS 25 and DD 23)have a healthy relationship with me and (as far as I know - they are both happily in long term relationships).

House rules were If they want to sleep in your room bith partners have to be over 18 and the relationship has to have been in existence for over 6 months.

Respect required on both sides for any relationship to work OP