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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DD is promiscuous and unreasonable?

377 replies

dangerousdebbie1 · 23/05/2011 20:26

DD, been going out with boyfriend for six weeks. She only turned 17 nine days ago. DD met her boyfriend at a guiding / scouting convention and they hit it off. Unfortunately, he lives 81 miles away in Nottingham. Anyway, just had a blazing row with DH and DD as DD announces that boyfriend is coming to visit next weekend and when I asked her where she thought he would sleep, she looked at me with aghast, and said in my bed of course.

Rightly or wrongly, I said over my dead body. I told DD in no uncertain terms that this was our home and not a brothel. DH says i'm out of order and reminded me that this is 2011 and not 1951.

I have been in tears over this. Sorry, but it wouldn't matter if she was 17 or 21, she isn't married so I will not let her share a bed in my house. Am confused.

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 24/05/2011 11:59

and I also think by saying things like "I hope your daughter cuts you out" and "Im glad your not my mother" is equally bad! you sit there JUDGING but happily level abuse on her. HYPOCRITES

but thats website forums for you eh

aldiwhore · 24/05/2011 11:59

The house rule is fine and your dd needs to respect that.

But inferring that she's a prostitute because she assumed it would be okay is way way over the line. Totally out of order.

A1980 · 24/05/2011 12:02

I told DD in no uncertain terms that this was our home and not a brothel.

That is totally unreasonable. You're implying that your daughter is merely shagging this guy randomly and more would follow. It's exactly the kind of thing my mum would've said and exactly the reason why I told her NOTHING when I was a teenager. She would just fly off the handle and call me all sorts of names.

Your DD was happy for you to know that she was seeing someone and being in that sort of relationship, now you may find she won't tell you anything next time or confide in you.

But YANBU about saying he can't sleep in bed with her in your home. It's your home, your rules, etc. It's just your choice of words that was unreasonable.

QueenStromba · 24/05/2011 12:05

I'm not a hypocrite - I make no pretense of having any moral high ground thank you very much. Now if I was a member of a religion where the main tenet is "love thy neighbour" and I used that religion as an excuse to call my daughter a whore then that would make me a hypocrite. You shouldn't even have to be a Christian to love your daughter enough to not call her a whore - heathens manage it all the time.

CheerfulYank · 24/05/2011 12:37

What porca said. Yes, she was out of line to say "this is our home, not a brothel", but a lot of you are acting like she screamed "filthy fu%king whore!" into her face.

porcamiseria · 24/05/2011 12:42

just cos you had a fucked up relationship with your Dad queenstromba, there is no need to bash OP and make it more than it is, as for your christian bashing earlier. NICE

Mumofaflump · 24/05/2011 12:59

I have a theory...

In olden times women could not earn a living for themselves. They were reliant upon their fathers for income, shelter, food etc until the day they married. Then they were reliant on their husbands.

If a woman got herself pregnant she would be unable to provide for that child herself.

Contraception was dodgy at best.

Therefore you did not have sex before marriage. This (sensible) precaution became so ingrained it was then seen as the "right" and "moral" thing to abstain.

Nowadays with decent contraception, a welfare system and womens right to work and own assets in their own name abstinence from sex is not so neccesary anymore. However, like a habit, it will take a few generations before pre-marital sex is seen as "bad".

At least, that's what I think.

QueenStromba · 24/05/2011 13:00

If you go back and read what I said originally you will see that I wasn't Christian bashing at all - I was having a dig at the Christians who (rather ironically I think) use their religion as an excuse to be horrible to other human beings. If you think that applies to all Christians then you are the one who is Christian bashing. I know some lovely Christians who waited until they were married and I really can't imagine them calling their daughter a whore because she wanted her boyfriend to sleep over. And I do believe that the OP has just as bad a relationship with her daughter as I do with my father - I don't see how any relationship can survive once one person has called the other a whore even if it was justified which it wasn't in my case or that of the OP's daughter.

Mumofaflump · 24/05/2011 13:02

Sorry, my last sentence should read...

Will take a few generations till pre-marital sex stops being percieved as "bad".

knittedbreast · 24/05/2011 13:09

mumofaflump is right. i also love your name :)

Mumofaflump · 24/05/2011 13:14

Thank you knittedbreast!

QueenStromba · 24/05/2011 13:18

I think you're right mumofaflump. A lot of religious rules made sense at the time e.g. not eating pork is a perfectly sensible idea when you live in the desert with no refrigeration and unreliable cooking methods.

porcamiseria · 24/05/2011 14:03

maybe its NOT about sex before marriage and has fuck all to do with religion

maybe its because her daughter has just turned 17 and only met the fellow 6 weeks ago?

maybe its a knee jerk reaction from a mother who has not got her head around it yet?

porcamiseria · 24/05/2011 14:04

AND SHE DID NOT CALL HER A WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ha ha maybe she did and I am defending her without reading the whole thread....? fuck

QueenStromba · 24/05/2011 14:06

Read the OP porcamiseria:

"Sorry, but it wouldn't matter if she was 17 or 21, she isn't married so I will not let her share a bed in my house"

porcamiseria · 24/05/2011 14:09

ooooooooooops

can we keep arguing anyway queenstromba? FF vs BF?

QueenStromba · 24/05/2011 14:11

How can you not see that the OP telling her daughter that their house is not a brothel is the exact same as calling her a whore?

SusanneLinder · 24/05/2011 14:11

At just turned 17, and only a 6 week relationship, there is no WAY I would allow them to share a bed. At 18/19 and been going out with the bf several months and it was a long term relationship, I wouldn't have an issue.

AnnieLobeseder · 24/05/2011 14:16

"How can you not see that the OP telling her daughter that their house is not a brothel is the exact same as calling her a whore?"

Well, quite. If all of us are making the logical connection, you can bet the OP's poor daughter is too.

Nobody is arguing the OP's right to stop her 17 yo DD sharing a bed with a new boyfriend., though some would allow it. That's her own business.

It's the damage being done to a teen's fragile sexual development and self-image by the links to prostitution that are worrying most of us, I think.

porcamiseria · 24/05/2011 14:39

i just read it as a hysterical overeaction , we all can say things in shock/heat of the moment

but bowing out now as dont really know enough

darleneoconnor · 24/05/2011 15:37

I'm confused. Don't good christian wives OBEY their husbands?

porcamiseria · 24/05/2011 16:10

yay more christian bashing, WTF!!!!

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 24/05/2011 18:35

Nothing wrong with bashing the religious when they are using their stupid superstitions and imaginary friends to justify mistreatment of other people.

SpeedyGonzalez · 24/05/2011 19:14

Good grief, are people STILL taking this thread seriously?

Tether, I applaud your sterling efforts. I give up on the rest of you.

Grin
shineoncrazydiam0nd · 24/05/2011 19:27

speedy.... hang on! I said it was a load of old bollocks but that that wouldn't stop anybody Grin

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