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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have a child knowing that I will have to rely on the state for income?

247 replies

problemchild · 22/05/2011 12:24

We're not getting any younger and we do want a family.

I work in a very low-paid job and my partner is too ill to work. He may well lose his ESA soon, so I'll probably be better off not working soon anyway.

I'm normally a very proud, independent person but the way things are going we will never be able to afford a family.

Would I be crazy to just say fuck it and live off the state?

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 22/05/2011 15:22

Theres been a lot of patronising by both genders on this thread, ive been called 'dear' twice.

ScousyFogarty · 22/05/2011 15:25

Shelley, Nice to see you have cleaned your language up.But all the rich have closed their curtains because Nick Clugg is driving around in A CUSTOMISED smart CARlokking for tax evaders. On the business of direct advice it is difficult. There are charities and the CAB who give advice on the welfare. (They are going to be very busy with the brusque non-caring manner of Dave and his Tory cronies. (I was on a phone-in with Cameron prior to the election . He was evasive on money. And thought he had "other qualities" ) He keeps them hidden

FabbyChic · 22/05/2011 15:27

I've lived on benefits for three years solid, I have internet connect, two mobile phone contracts, I run a car that needs insurance. I feed my son and my dog. I don' t have a social life, and I smoke and I don't go without fags either.

Being on benefits is more than doable if you budget.

Peachy · 22/05/2011 15:29

Possibly Fab, we landed on tehm for a ewile with a year's tenancy signed on a house in higher than HB rental area so got stuck.

Debt is the other thing isn;t it? If yu don;t have any (we don't) it's far easier if you land on benefits

BUT I think the key is the ESA thing; if her hubby loses esa but job centre finds him not able to look for work his income can be ruled out through appeals time, and ESA appeals are running at a backlog ATM

Cocoflower · 22/05/2011 15:30

When I was on benefits they wouldnt even cover our rent (DC dad walked out on us!).

They left us £200 short every month and we got evicted in the end :(

MotherSnacker · 22/05/2011 15:33

how on earth do you manage to run a car and smoke on benefits alone fabbychic?

Peachy · 22/05/2011 15:37

Coco it depends on the house; ours because of where we live is above LHA rate level so would never be fully coverd. We could be more secure if we moved but would lose ds3's SNU place and not worth the risk IMO.

ilovesooty · 22/05/2011 17:48

YABU to be so defeatist about improving your employment prospects. At 30 there is time to enhance your prospects and look for more secure and better paid employment before considering children.

miniwedge · 22/05/2011 18:12

You've lived on benefits for three years or seven years fabby? Confused

Onceamai · 22/05/2011 18:23

Haven't had time to read it all. The state is responsible for those who can't work it should never be responsible for those who won't work. You need to get yourself in a better financial position before you even contemplate having a child for whom you will be responsible for the next 18 years. You cannot expect other people to pick up your tabs. Get off your backside, sort out your interview skills and get a proper job. Do not expect me to fund your children. I waiting until I was 35 and in a position to afford a family.

Original poster
problemchild · 22/05/2011 18:24

toddles off to TTC and namechanges

Thank you all, you've given me alot to think about and even a bit of hope. Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
problemchild · 22/05/2011 18:25

oops! Should've been toddles off to TTC board*

OP posts:
Earlybird · 22/05/2011 18:34

OP - your post of 12.48 said that your 'family would be horrified' if you have a child.

That is pretty strong language. Why, exactly, would they feel that way?

Cocoflower · 22/05/2011 18:36

Then shouldn't you think about it first and investigate before TTC? Confused

ScousyFogarty · 22/05/2011 18:37

A thread like this with the differeing attitudes says a LOT ABOUT THE COUNTRY WE LIVE In it also says a lot about this bloody compI am using,

toddlerama · 22/05/2011 18:37

You still haven't detailed why your husband can't work? What is the nature of his illness and why will his financial support stop?

AlpinePony · 22/05/2011 18:49

On a more practical note, there has been some talk around the boards of the price of formula going up and it's often cited as being way too expensive etc. If you can't afford formula, you can't afford to raise a child.

maypole1 · 22/05/2011 18:50

Well flabby paints benefit lifestyle in such a wonderful way why why her son choose to go to uni and not follow the same path it couldn't be because he recognised living off the sate is not the way to go .

Birdsgottafly · 22/05/2011 18:54

toddleerama- rountinely the government are trying to remove everyone off ESA. I think the OP has just been worried by that. There may be a number of reasons why she isn't naming her DH disability, fear of identification, for one.

MarianneM · 22/05/2011 19:02

I think some people here are horrible. You have every right to have a baby as much as anyone else. I think it would be questionable to have many children if you "live in poverty" but to want to be a parent even if your circumstances aren't ideal...who are we to say you can't? And as FabbyChic said, being on benefits doesn't mean living in poverty.

MintyMoo · 22/05/2011 19:04

What Birdsgottafly said, especially if he has something quite rare. Also, her DH may prefer her not to say what it is.

Different disabilities affect different people differently, some people may be able to work with a particular condition, others not. Perhaps the OP doesn't want to run the risk of loads of people saying they know someone with the same condition as her DH who works because she knows her DH can't work with that condition, as it affects him severely.

Earlybird - perhaps the OP has family members who believe that disabled people shouldn't have children. Or perhaps she has family members who think that the OP and her DH shouldn't have children because there might be a chance of the DH passing his disability on?

Original poster
problemchild · 22/05/2011 19:20

My family would be horrified if I raised a child on benefits.

OP posts:
Original poster
problemchild · 22/05/2011 19:24

"Different disabilities affect different people differently, some people may be able to work with a particular condition, others not. Perhaps the OP doesn't want to run the risk of loads of people saying they know someone with the same condition as her DH who works because she knows her DH can't work with that condition, as it affects him severely. "

Spot on.

OP posts:
ScousyFogarty · 22/05/2011 19:27

Problem child when you are old enough most people would say make your own decisions. -arents are bydefinition often from a different period. Mine were. The time they are a changin, even befor Bob Dylan wrote the song.

maypole1 · 22/05/2011 19:28

Or may be her oh illness is not as serious as she is making out I once heard tennis elbow used as an excuse for not working