Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have a child knowing that I will have to rely on the state for income?

247 replies

problemchild · 22/05/2011 12:24

We're not getting any younger and we do want a family.

I work in a very low-paid job and my partner is too ill to work. He may well lose his ESA soon, so I'll probably be better off not working soon anyway.

I'm normally a very proud, independent person but the way things are going we will never be able to afford a family.

Would I be crazy to just say fuck it and live off the state?

OP posts:
GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/05/2011 12:39

What have SS, the police and the NHS to do with it? Confused

MillyR · 22/05/2011 12:40

YANBU. Having a baby does not mean that you will never return to work, and many people have babies without state assistance but then need help later on.

You are exactly the kind of family who should be getting state help - one where one of the parents is too ill to work.

LIZS · 22/05/2011 12:40

:( that you want no better for your child

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 22/05/2011 12:40

Child warfare, eh?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/05/2011 12:40

Actually, forget that. I've just absorbed the rest of your post and it's a bit twattish so I'll just ignore it.

Original poster
problemchild · 22/05/2011 12:40

Maypole, I seriously to object to the implication that a child in poverty will automatically attract the attention of social services or the police.

OP posts:
FootprintsOnTheMoon · 22/05/2011 12:40

Maypole: carefully thought out point of view, with equal attention to spelling and grammar? Hmm . Cos it's the 'breeders' that have sent this country to the dogs, yes?

80sMum · 22/05/2011 12:40

You sound as though you are underestimating yourself. If you can do short-term contract work, then a full-time permament job is not beyond your capabilities. You just need to believe in yourself a bit more. Perhaps the difficulties you've had with your partners illness have sapped your self-confidence a bit. You need to remind yourself that you're as good as the next person! I'm sure there must be some self-help books or videos available (local library?) that could help you brush up on interview technique.

Worth a try?

maypole1 · 22/05/2011 12:41

It would be one thing if op were talking about tax credits with is support not handouts but she is talking about leaving her job and allowing us the tax payer to raise her child Shock

sausagesandmarmelade · 22/05/2011 12:41

I think the benefit system should only be there to support those who are in difficult circumstances through no fault of their own.

I don't think it's fair to expect tax payers to support your choice to deliberately have a child knowing that you can't support it financially.

If you make that choice then you should do your level best to financially support that child yourselves. I know of a single mother who does just that....works her butt off to pay for her home and support her child. I applaud people like that. These are the ones who should get help/support where it is available.

Goblinchild · 22/05/2011 12:42

'I see what you mean but you might mind it more when you have a dc and that dc cannot have what others have'

That's what I was meaning, I've lived at a very basic level for 4 years as a student. I didn't have a child, and I would have hated to try and balance light, heating and clothes against other fundamental needs.
I've since taught in very poor areas and seen parents struggle to make ends meet over the years. Different if there is just you or another adult somehow.

Original poster
problemchild · 22/05/2011 12:42

Of course I want better for my child. However as my nursery teacher used to say: "I want, never gets!".

OP posts:
maypole1 · 22/05/2011 12:42

Sorry laidies my I pad is inn predictive text guru I mean gurrr

Nancy66 · 22/05/2011 12:42

Well you certainly won't get it if you never even try.....

FabbyChic · 22/05/2011 12:43

Children born to parents on benefits do not live in poverty, like everybody else you have to budget effectively.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 22/05/2011 12:43

Well, that's not true. Of you want it enough, you can make it happen. What temp work do you do? Could you build on those skills and potentially earn more in the future?

TheFeministsWife · 22/05/2011 12:43

YANBU. I ended up pregnant when both DH and I were unemployed. We'd been TTC for a while and were both working when we started. WE carried on after loosing our jobs as we hoped we'd both be working again before I had a child. As it happened I unfortunately miscarried at 12 weeks with that pregnancy. DH then got a job and I've been a SAHM ever since. There have been occasions (2 in fact) when DH has been out of work and since we've had kids. It's nothing to be ashamed of, oh and my DH has only ever earned under 14k so we still rely heavily on tax credits and child benefit.

Would it be possible for your DH to be a SAHD when you return to work after maternity leave?

Goblinchild · 22/05/2011 12:43

'all that in tales'

I think you might have meant entails, maypole.

feckwit · 22/05/2011 12:44

I'm a bit confused. You ARE earning right? So you are contributing but at a lower level than some. Unless we decree that everyone will have the same income regardless of job, we have to accept that some people's earning potential will never be as high as other people's. Does that make them less deserving than the high income earners? Make them worse parents? The person going out and earning 50k and shoving their child in childcare for 12 hours a day is much better than the person who works 5 hours a day but is actively involved in every aspect of their child's life, right?

If you said "I can't be arsed to work, I want 8 kids and a council house and 3 holidays a year" then yes, YABU. But in your instance you can work, your husband can help with child rearing as he will be home and I think your child will be lucky to have you.

trixymalixy · 22/05/2011 12:47

I agree with what Gwendoline said.

bluebobbin · 22/05/2011 12:48

I think that YANBU to have a child in this position. Have the child(ren) and do your best with everything - that's all any of us can do.

However, I think if you deliberately had more than 2 in this position then you would be very unreasonable.

Original poster
problemchild · 22/05/2011 12:48

I also know that my family will be horrified.

OP posts:
Gandalfthedyed · 22/05/2011 12:48

But I think the OP is intending NOT go to work when /if she has a baby?

I think YABU, yes. I think you are unreasonable to expect the rest of us to put food in your child's mouth and clothes on it's back.

I think YABU for not looking for a full time job if your DH can be a SAHD.

And I think YABU to actively bring a child into the world living on welfare.

I'd quite like a new Audi TT but I can't afford one so I won't be getting one, rather than expecting the rest of you to buy me one.

meditrina · 22/05/2011 12:49

Family life can be very, very hard when money is tight. Even though you say you've always been poor, it won't be the same with children. And dependency is not much fun either.

But I don't agree with the assumption in the title of this thread that you would have to rely on benefits. You have a partner who could SAHD, taking out the nightmare of childcare, and you could up your working hours. I think you need to work on whatever in inhibiting you from going for interviews, and look at maximising what you earn and/or branding out towards better paid fields. Then you won't be reliant on the Government, whose policies may vary and are likely to become less, not more, generous for many years to come, and instead can forge your own destiny.

ssd · 22/05/2011 12:50

maypole, I have reported your post about stopping these breeders in their tracks, that is totally unacceptable