to have a child knowing that I will have to rely on the state for income?

[problemchild]

We're not getting any younger and we do want a family.

I work in a very low-paid job and my partner is too ill to work. He may well lose his ESA soon, so I'll probably be better off not working soon anyway.

I'm normally a very proud, independent person but the way things are going we will never be able to afford a family.

Would I be crazy to just say fuck it and live off the state?

Sorry abouth jumbled words. The computer is needing a kick up the duncan carse

Is your family in a position to help you financially?

Is your dp's medical condition hereditary?

The OP has educated herself to degree standard and done add on qualifications, she works bloody hard by the sound of it, don't think that she would be making excuses for anyone, if it impacts on her having a child.

No one has the right to have a child they cannot afford to bring up IMO.

I am a lot older than most of you. Therehas not been full employment in my lifetime. Some Tory ministers have said the jobless help to make the employed work harder. I think we are becoming very nasty. With Cameron and co raising nasty publicity against the vulnerable (NASTY PARTY ?) tHE tORY PRESS DO THEIR BIDDING. iT LOOKS LIKE GOVT BULLYING TO ME? They are attacking soft targets Distasteful

Your potential child's rights should be your biggest concern.

NO YA definately NBU...and don't listen to those who say you are

Scousy please stop shouting and get off your soapbox. Its so dull

OP, YABU on two counts:

1. you have not even researched training to get a better job.
2. It sounds like you are already TTC.

Why ask if your mind is made up? You don't seem to be giving any serious thought to any of the very good advice on this thread.

I have only read page one of the responses so I apologise if I say something that upsets anyone.

i think you are being totally unreasonable. Thirty is not old!!! go and go to college, women into work or something and show that you can sort yourself out before even thinking about having a baby. what kind of example are you setting a child?

also, why should my husband and i work hard and pay out loads in taxes for you to sit at home??? I am currently expecting my second baby and I am stressed about money and how we will pay the council tax but not once have I thought i should ask for a government hand out.

Get a grip. you have no idea how cross I am writing this!!

Alpine pony.

1. Breastmilk is free

2. Formula is free to benefit claimants.

Unreasonable isn't the word. Selfish and immature spring to mind though. Would rather see tax dollars go toward infrastructure/defence/anything other than someone without the means to support a family setting out to sponge off the State.

I've not read the whole 10 pages, but am going to chip in with my 10p worth...

Depending on the government to support you is risky, if not foolish, because you can be certain that the level of support available is going to reduce dramatically over the years. Whether the State should or shouldn't support you is a different argument altogether, but I would say ignore the people who tell you you have no right to a child unless you have money. Comparing wanting a fancy car but not being able to afford it to wanting a child is offensive, in my humble opinion anyway.

To me, the critical thing that leaps out of your OP, is the fact that you have decided you can never earn more than 14K or have a permanent job because you can't interview. That kind of defeatist attitude is not something you'd want to pass onto a child is it?! This is something you can get help with, easily. Libraries are full of books about interview techniques, career guidance, building self-esteem, self-development. Colleges have courses, free or very cheap, you can take for building self-confidence. Ask your agency to help you get a permanent position, they can give you mock interviews and feedback. Go to your GP, explain your problem and how much it's effecting your life and ask for counselling or Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Having a child is such a huge commitment, surely you owe it to yourself to make the effort to try and improve yours and their chances in life? And even taking a child out of the equation, surely you just owe it to yourself?!

Go to evening classes to learn a new skill. Do some volunteering with an organisation that does something you're interested in. All this not only builds confidence, it also gives you stuff to talk about in interview, and you meet a wide range of different people and get to know them in an informal environment... and one day one of them may well have a job going and offer it to you without you even having an interview. And thinking about it now, short term agency work frequently leads onto permanent work doesn't it?! Without the need for an interview? If it doesn't happen in the industry you've been temping in, then ask your agency for help getting into a different industry. Yes, it's fucking difficult trying to improve your lot in life. It requires hard work, sacrifice, tenacity... but so does having a child.

30 isn't too old! Spending a year or two now focusing on whatever is holding you back and securing a permanent job would be time well spent. Then, proud of what you've accomplished and more secure in your earning power, start making a baby :)

And my last point...
You can't rely on the government to support you forever, not because it's morally wrong, but simply because in the future the support won't be there...

If the OP's DH's condition is hereditary then it's up to the OP and her DH to decide what to do with the advice of their Drs.

A lot of conditions aren't hereditary, or there's no conclusive proof that they are.

I do think the OP should consider my advice and give Remploy a try - some people haven't worked for 16 years and Remploy have managed to find them work again. I'm sure they could help the OP find a permanent job, especially as people who use Remploy to source candidates are already positive about hiring disabled people and are less likely to be negative about her appearance.

I've found them wonderful - they've got me an interview for an amazing job I'd have struggled to get this far in the process without their help, and I'm safe in the knowledge that they're not going to physically recoil from me in the interview if my having disabilities comes up.

I just read more of thread and see you have a facial deformity, and this is why you feel you cannot do interviews. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you and how it must effect your confidence, but to say it makes it impossible for you to get a permanent job is bollocks. All my advice still stands! And especially focus on all the informal ways of getting a job that don't rely on interviews.

And I saw you ask who'll pay for you to retrain? You can get a Career Development Loan for many courses.

Have you done this thread before, OP?

It's not ideal, but I think if you plan well you can make it work. By which I mean plan for the future as well as how you'll get by. Find out as much as you can about training and work opportunities, about breastfeeding, about getting baby stuff from freecycle/boot fairs etc.

Have you looked into the Open University OP? Only skim read so I may have misunderstood that you have a degree... Either way: normally they only fund first degrees (I am in a very low income family too, so my whole degree is paid for - couldn't possibly study otherwise) BUT I think I remember something about a clause whereby you can get a second degree funded if you can prove your first degree is no longer appropriate for your chosen career - ie you prove that you NEED to retrain.

Or there's always apprenticeships? They no longer have an age limit. It's shit pay for that first year, but it's a safe job AND you get a qualification. There's all sorts of categories - I've got an interview this week for a library one.

Otherwise, there are ways of making money from home - writing? Crafts to sell at fairs? Ebaying? Avon etc? They are all unreliable, and there's rules about declaring income to the tax man etc, but lots of families get by on that sort of lifestyle as a relatively temporary measure.

FWIW - we are on a lot of benefits. Didn't start that way - I got a brilliant job in my first pregnancy but was made redundant. DH had a good steady but low paid job, but has now lost it due to a prolapsed disc, hence me looking for work. So right now we aren't contributing financially. BUT I am contributing in other ways - I'm working Sundays in a charity shop, I'm a breastfeeding peer supporter, I'm on the committee for my local children's centre (and currently training to teach cooking to parents and running health walks/toddler classes) I volunteer at DD's nursery, and soon I'll be helping with maths etc at the local infant school too. So I like to think I'm not a scrounger. I may not be paying tax right now (I sure will be if I end up working in education, which is why I'm studying) - but what I do does make a difference to lots of people. :) All these things only take a few hours here and there, so it's manageable for my DH to look after the DCs, whereas he couldn't do 9-5 every day without me. As well as giving me experience it's also boosted my confidence, and it sounds like you are lacking in that.

Sorry I've waffled like mad, but I wanted to be a friendly voice, and give suggestions of how you can make it work. Planning is really important, you need to be on the same page as your DH about finances before you get there IYSWIM. Please PM me if you want to know any more about the studying/volunteering etc. Best of luck :)

I may be being annoying/reactionary: BUT we have one child aged nearly eleven. Would love to have had another one, but couldn't afford to. TTC now, with no success.

When we had our baby, we used benefits, for a very short while whilst we trained to get full time jobs to support our child.

My gutfeeling is, no, OP you shouldn't have a child knowing that you will depend on benefits long term. You will be miserable, and so will your family if you have one.

One of my son's first words was "Leccy", meaning the electricity meter that I was struggling to pay for..

WAKN - Love your post! Couldn't agree with you more. There are things worth a lot more than money, and you are contributing to society in a way that you can't place a financial value on.

I didn't realise apprenticeships no longer have an age limit. Good luck for your interview at the library next week! My dream fantasy job would be driving a mobile library & cafe van around a beautiful part of the country... Books, coffee, countryside, interesting conversations and helping people with access to knowledge / information / reading. Heaven!

Sorry to digress ...

trying to formulate an action plan for OP

1- does DH receive DLA? try and get it for him.
2- you get pregnant. they might not renew your contract but you will be entitled to maternity allowance thinks its about 125 pw same as SMP. in the meantime save to cover any shortfall, even £100 for an emergency.
3- apply for tax credits before DC is born (you can do this it will be paid from when DC is born you do not have to wait) then apply for surestart grant.
4 - just before MA ends try and get another job with recruitment agency.
5- When you return to work, if DH has successfully claimed DLA then you will be eligible for tax credits to cover childcare, you can still work but there is no pressure on DH to be a SAHD if he is not capable.

then OP will have her much wished for child, she will be able to work and contribute, not sponge, and there will be no pressure on her DH.

Good posts WANK / Maig / terra

CRS that leccy thing an happen to anyone; we were both employed when ds4 conceived, but life can play some silly games. And plenty of people who work struggle with paying the electricity- I know we do. As university educated people with some ambition, we still struggle.

Thank you terraviva :) I actually got the apprenticeship! Found out this morning. Part time, and they are flexible about the hours so I can still do my volunteering. I'm sure the volunteering helped me get the offer.

I have found out though that you can't do an apprenticeship if you already have a degree, so not quite as open as I thought, but it is definitely true that adults can do them now as they changed it last year.

Funding is difficult if you have a degree
the boy's SN is somethingt hat emans working outside school hours is impossible so thought i woudl do TA but could not get funding as a graduate

Hey ho