To be shaking with jealousy over this girl and DH?!

[pollypopsocks]

Ok, I never get jealous so thi sfeels really alien to me but my heart is beating really fast and I feel ill!
Basically he has started a new job and has made friends with a girl who is a gorgeous part time underwear model and they have just made friends on facebook, she is really outgoing and put on her page she loves older men (she is 24, DH is 30) and going to the gym. DH also works out loads and is very good looking, women go a bit doe eyed around him. She has messaged him on facebook asking a seeminly inncocent work question followed by kisses.
I trust DH but I feel so strange and shaky!!! AIBU

I'm not really saying you should guard a partner. What I'm getting at is that it's possible for people to be going through a hard time, having a bit of a wobble if you like and come across someone who will encourage them to do the wrong thing, rather than the right thing. Sometimes it's possible to do the wrong thing and be really sorry later on, but at the time you were in a bad place mentally and made the wrong choice. Someone else, while in no way responsible for the choices made, can encourage you one way or the other. Not all people are nice and there are those out there who really have no morals at all when it comes to sleeping with married people. Those people will just make a situation worse.

If your spouse comes across one of those people, is it really wrong to try and prevent them from flirting with him/her?

I'm not sure that infidelity would be inevitable in all cases.

I do think it is wrong to flirt with married people, but obviously it is worse for the married person to flirt back. I know for some people that flirting comes as naturally to them as breathing, but I reserve the right to dislike it if they flirted with my husband. I would feel it was disrespectful to me.

I never said they were, only that other people can be influential. It's not wrong to want other people not to do you harm if they can avoid it. Obviously there is no in built safety net, which is why people look out for themselves and try to protect their own interests from the less 'sisterly' element that's out there.

I think YABU OP. To be shaking with jealousy with absolutely no evidence anything is going on is really rather daft. Should beautiful (young) women not have male friends? It's unlikely that jealousy of this magnitude is actually truly about this new friendship.

really from what you have posted you have absolutely no reason to be jealous.I 'xx' everyone on texts and emails without even thinking

I always feel that my partner is more gorgeous, younger-looking and wonderful than me, and wonder why she puts up with me. But then she talks, in the course of every day life, about her hopes for us and I know I'm being a prat.

And, when I have been cheated on, the indications were there but not in what people said directly about the person the cheated with: in how details were given which were personal though the relationship was professional, or in the omissions from tales of office life where other colleagues featured. There's no point analysisng the comments he made about her to death.

The kisses and FB thing is just age. And FB is your friend here, not your enemy. If his profile is anything like representative of his life, she'll see a happy man whose statuses mention kids, you, the joys of his life. And it's not terribly likely he's thinking of straying and then allowing the person he's straying with to be known to you. Actually it's far harder for him to cheat this way, because he can't pretend to be something he isn't just to get a shag or hide her existence.

Of course, if his latest status is along the lines of 'is angry people underestimate the intelligence of underwear models', then be a bit bothered.

Fair enough LeQueen. If my husband slept with someone else, I'd not want him back either. But I think people are mad if they think it can never happen to them, because even relationships which have been really strong can become vulnerable due to outside life events which impact on state of mind. Still, a man wouldn't be able to have an affair unless he found a woman willing to over look the fact that he is married and plenty of women do. I'd like to think that another woman would discourage rather than encourage an affair, because if a marriage is going through a rough patch an affair will hardly help, but many don't. (This is true the other way around of course, too)

So if your husband is 'friends' with this kind of person, even if they are not likely to have an affair, that person is not good for the relationship as a whole. I think even a secure person could feel a bit wobbly about it.

Now, I'm not saying that all women are like that just because they are being friendly, but some are and I think if your instincts are warning you about something, then it's worth looking into.

All this is completely separate from the whole kisses on work emails thing, which I think undermines women's positions at work and makes them look as if they don't have faith in their own abilities if they have to soften the content of what they say by putting xx at the bottom.

Most girls I know under 25 xxx messages left right and centre. It means nothing, it's just a way to say "bye", really. Also, even though it annoys the living daylights out of me, one woman at work always says "Love you lots" / "you're just the best " when ending a conversation with someone - whether a friend or the guy delivering the post! This, whilst vomit inducing, does not mean she fancies any of them.

Agree completely with LeQueen and others above that you should not get involved in a petty showing off competition. It's always very obvious when people do this, and it makes no difference anyway, so pointless. Be proud. I'm not saying he won't ever cheat on you, OP, but if it were to happen, you won't be able to stop it anyway. Do something nice together, have fun - even a nice meal in if difficult with dc - remember who the two of you are, and how you feel about each other.

The strongest marriages are the ones where there is trust, and where both partners are treated as adults. I hate hearing friends saying that their husbands / wives were not "allowed" to do this or that. You're not their parents, and it is normal to want friends of the other sex too.

Apologies for the bad taste comparison, but I often think of jealousy as, uhm, wind: Sometimes you get a bit bloated and can't help getting that uncomfortable feeling, but giving it free range is not the way to go. Farting in public is not attractive and will alienate people. So... acknowledge the feeling, see it for what it is, then go and deal with it in private.

Yanbu but it does sound like she is the one being a flirty twat - she is out of order and unprofessional to put kisses on a msg to a married man who she recently met at work and who is the only work friend she has on fb. She needs to show a little bit more respect to the fact he is married. Tell your hubby how you feel and that you would feel more comfortable if he had a professional distance from her.

Oh my! Find myself agreeing with lyingwitch again! I too think David Beckham is like an old goat. Yuk - I don't get the appeal at all!

If he's slagging an obviously good looking woman off (and let's face it, if she is a model it's extremely unlikely she looks like a monobrowed ferret - what a chump he is), my guess would be that he's made a pass and been rebuffed.

It just sounds a bit childish and "Huh. Didn't fancy her anyway".

hairfulofsnakes... I saw that, twice in one week...

Just to point out that I don't tell my husband who he can and can't be 'friends' with on fb, and I don't patrol his behaviour. That said, if my husband had a colleague whose behaviour and comments were disrespectful to me because they were inappropriate comments/behaviour towards someone who is married, then I'd feel no hesitation in expecting my husband to put that person straight, probably by defriending them. That might be because I'd consider their attitude/behaviour to be disrespectful to me, rather than a fear that she could persuade him to cheat. I also wouldn't feel comfortable about that person, but I do agree that ultimately it is the responsibility of the married person to patrol their own behaviour and yes, if someone is determined to cheat then you are swimming against the tide if you try to prevent it.

But, people can be having all sorts of problems and end up doing things they might regret and that other person could tip the balance one way or the other. Yes, it is still the fault of the cheater, but it doesn't help the person cheated upon, which is why some women feel a wobble when their husbands are flirted with by women who can afford to be constantly exciting because they are not busy with all the domestic stuff that can take the excitement out of the primary relationship.

I'd leave it a couple of days and do one of those status updates where you '@' someone elses name and put something like "wonderful day with my wonderful husband @mrpoppysocks and our beuatifu children"

Petty? yes. Unecessary? Yes. Make you feel better when it pops up on his wall for her to see? YES!

I'm sre there's nothing to worry about, but keep an eye on the messages. I don't know why she would FB a question about work..? She's 24, not 17.. seems weird to me.

I'm 24 and I'd class 30 as an "older man". Not that I'm helping the situation.

dh puts kisses on messages to everyone, male and female friends, so I say nothing...still hate it though.

Where did I say it was her fault and not his? What I said is that she wouldn't have helped, when she could have done by not helping him to have an affair.

LeQueen, I do agree and feel I ought to point out that I don't do any of those things as they don't help anyone and I think I have more pride tbh.

Wise words from LeQueen.