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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel a bit funny that a friend has a photo of a dead baby as her profile picture?

329 replies

HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 19/05/2011 09:13

A friend (distant) has put up a photo of her cousins very obviously dead (I think stillborn) baby as her profile picture, as a "tribute".

AIBU to find this a bit weird? The photo makes me feel uncomfortable. Is this my problem, and it is in fact a nice thing to do to honour the poor wee child? Her cousins has put "thank you" underneath, so she must think its a fitting tribute. Maybe its just me. I am quite prepared to admit I am BU if need be.

OP posts:
RunAwayWife · 19/05/2011 13:53

Each to there own, someone I know on Facebook did this when she lost her son.
Not something I would do but as I said each to their own

AppleHEAD · 19/05/2011 14:02

Lying Witch
They did... But the problem is that part of the agony of stillbirth is that they just disappear from your life. Pictures might offend people, talking about it is morbid and depresses people. Putting a picture on facebook causes so much offence that people have to express their horror on Mumsnet.
Sorry I still think people should keep their mouths shut about how people handle grief because as you cannot walk in that persons shoes you cannot judge how you would act and what is appropriate.
On a simple very very basic level the woman has lost a child let her do whatever she wants to deal with it.
She never saw the baby open it's eyes or cry or feel it's warm against hers..
Let her just do whatever gets her through this everlasting pain!
45 years ago when my aunts baby died she wasn't allowed to see it and all she heard about what had happened to him was a cleaner coming in and telling her she has seen him in the side room waiting for disposal.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/05/2011 14:21

AppleHEAD... I think the sad fact is that the loss of a child is always going to hit the Mum (and Dad) much harder than it is going to impact anybody else. I don't know if it's ever something you can truly get over.

People not so affected, even within the family, are keen to move on to normalcy and whlist they might have fleeting thoughts of the lost child, they have moved on.

For myself, the issue is Facebook. I see pictures posted from people who aren't on my friends list and I personally don't think it's the right venue. I have never, nor would I ever, say anything. I think there are many people who feel the same way.

Threads like this are a way for people to express their views - some like myself who would prefer not to see these pictures on a social networking site - and others like yourself, who have sadly lost babies. It's an uneasy alliance and I can see that it's painful for bereaved Mothers.

I'm sad but not surprised to read of your Aunt's experience. It seemed very much more 'matter of face' in those days, I posted about that earlier. I'm so glad that things have changed and there is certainly more support available.

Internet sites are a blessing and a curse... they can be horribly intrusive, which I think many of them are, but they can also offer a safe venue for people to remember their loved ones, perhaps you've found one yourself.

I'm very sorry if I upset you, Apple, it was definitely not my intention. You're a braver woman than I because if I had lost a child, I would have swerved this thread, couldn't have faced it at all. You get all kinds of folk and different opinions on a forum and it's not possible really to stifle people's viewpoints without trampling all over their right to post their opinions. It's very difficult. I don't believe for a second though that there is anybody on this thread who doesn't feel deeply saddened at the loss of the children posted about, I really don't and I hope you can believe that yourself. :)

confuddledDOTcom · 19/05/2011 15:03

Lying, your settings aren't right if you're seeing everything friends of friends are doing.

I don't put up pictures of my daughter because of my grief or pain, I put them up because she's my daughter, just like the other 2.5 are my children and I share them. I won't get over her because she's my daughter, not because I'm not moving on or getting over my grief but she'll always be a part of my life because she's a part of me.

wellamI1981 · 19/05/2011 15:03

My friend has her dead baby as her profile pic. I see it as her celebrating that he existed, even though it was only for a short time.

midori1999 · 19/05/2011 15:58

confuddled, I completely agree with you.

2rebecca, I wonder if you're being deliberately provocative and nasty in what you are posting, but it is unbelievably nasty to refer to people's babies as corpses, whether that is factually correct or not.

I lost my twins last year at 24 weeks. They were both born alive and one, Megan, lived for only 15 minutes, whilst we were lucky enough to have 9 days with her sister, Imogen. As a result, we do have pictures of Imogen living, but not of Megan and only have photos of her after she died.

People have photos of their living children on Facebook and most people think nothing of that. I have photos of my DC on there. Not Megan though sadly. I'd like to post them, she is my child and every bit as important as my other DC, but I worry about offending people. Maybe I shouldn't. Those photos are all we will ever have of her, other than some foot and hand prints and the blankets she was wrapped in after she died. Her life may have been short, but I still want to celebrate it.

I would be thrilled if a relative remembered my babies and showed it by posting their photos on Facebook, or anywhere else for that matter, especially after 11 years.

stickytoffeepud · 19/05/2011 16:07

imo this kind of thing is private between the family and close friends, not for strangers to gawp and gossip over, in between lols and likes

its a tacky thing to do imo

I dot think FB is the best place for sharing anything even remotely sensitive tbh

I wouldnt want my trauma and sadness to be browsed in between someone elses account of a drunken night out, a rant about the price of groceries etc.

spot on

HaughtyChuckle · 19/05/2011 16:09

it would feel a bit queasy but its her of dealing with the greif anyone (not saying you would) who would hassle her about is a monster

BumWiper · 19/05/2011 16:20

these pictures are not just stillborn babies.they are a son,a daughter.they are loved and missed.these are the only photo's their parents have,they will not have an album of firsts.no matter if it was last week,a year ago,ten years ago,the pain and the love dosent change.

try and see past the death part and see the baby.

i know stillbirth is a terrifying thing,it is something we all fear.but it happens,and all these parents want is their baby acknowledged,that they existed,that they kicked and had a heartbeat,that they are not something to be swept under the carpet,or a conversation to be avoided.they are our babies.

AppleHEAD · 19/05/2011 16:29

Lying... you didn't upset me at all you just made a valid point. The original poster upset me...I have never looked at facebook so can't comment on it

PinotGrigiosKittens · 19/05/2011 16:33

What an upsetting thread. OP, you are not being unreasonable, please don't feel bad about finding the image uncomfortable. It is for us all to decide what we can and can't cope with. I personally would find it upsetting too and perhaps too personal for FB, but that in no way implies that I have any right to have an opinion on what others choose to do, or do look at. Each very much to their own.

I think this is one subject where there is no right, or wrong, just feelings and sympathy/empathy.

My heart goes out to all of you who have shared your stories of loss on this thread. Heartbreaking is an over-used word but by god it fits this subject.

allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 19/05/2011 16:36

Midori I (just about) got right through the thread without crying til your post about your twins :(
And I'd rather see peoples still born babies on FB than 99% of the pictures that I do see!

allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 19/05/2011 16:38

BTW, OP yanbu as you did already clarify that you meant upsetting rather than "yuck".
:)

coke78 · 19/05/2011 16:42

I have a picture of my dead mum on there. Is that wrong too?

coke78 · 19/05/2011 16:46

Although of course she waan't dead when it was taken.

confuddledDOTcom · 19/05/2011 16:53

I'm not sharing my grief across Facebook, I'm sharing my family. My joy because as much grief as I feel I have enough joy to match in my beautiful little girl. In her because she's my child, my daughter, in her legacy that has saved lives. Mine, her siblings, her aunt, her cousins, her own nieces and nephews and even people who she's not related to but got tested because of her. Her pictures aren't sad and full of grief. They're of life and hope.

lunar1 · 19/05/2011 17:25

It's lovely of your friend to support her cousin in this way, letting her know that her much loved and wanted child has not been forgotten by the world.

takethisonehereforastart · 19/05/2011 17:48

2rebecca "I think pictures of corpses on facebook are very yuk. You wouldn't do it for an adult so why for a child, especially if the baby died over 10 years ago.
Fair enough for the parents and relatives, but putting it on facebook seems weird. I wouldn't even circulate a picture of my mum's corpse to my relatives on the anniversary of her death, not that we were gruesome enough to take one.
Why is a phot of a dead baby relative OK if a photo of a dead adult relative wouldn't be?
I wouldn't be saying anything and would just hide her profile photo, or avoid facebook."

There is a hate-group on facebook (intermittently) that says exactly the same thing in those exact words. They are making demands to have any pictures of this nature removed. That group also steal people's precious photographs and make nasty comments about the babies in them and the parents who are "gruesome enough" (as you call us) to take them.

The difference, as these facebook haters are too stupid, cold and heartless to understand, is that there are usually many, many photographs of adults to use instead, all taken during that person's much longer life. Parents of a stillborn baby or a baby who dies shortly after birth do not have that luxury of photographs but many still want to post the ones they do have.

Ten years is not a long time. I can tell you from personal experience that time does not heal and although people learn to hide their grief quite well most of the time, things like birthdays, anniversaries of due dates and other dates etc are very hard to bear. It's as though the grief has been concentrated by being kept hidden and so when it does have an 'acceptable' outlet all that bottled up pain comes pouring out and hurts just as much as it did at the start.

I have friends mourning their losses 18 years on, heartbroken that their babies would now be adults with their whole lives infront of them. You don't just lose a baby, you lose that babies future, you lose memories you never got to make, you lose grandchildren your baby can never give you.

And you do not get over that in one year or ten years or fifty years.

Notsohotanymore · 19/05/2011 18:05

YABU. I also think your choice of words are very insensitive too.Also if you have not been through loosing a baby yourself, then you can not possibly imagine how you would feel as the parents,and you shouldnt try too.But please,choose your words more carefully and have some respect for those who have passed away.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 19/05/2011 18:06

I agree with what people have said about it being ok to put the photo up and also ok (right, even) to be upset by it.

I also just wanted to say, the sneering about facebook in the context of a family trying to keep in touch about a lost child is really inappropriate. If you have family who live all across different parts of the world (and are therefore never all awake at the same time), it can be really hard to stay in touch and sites like facebook are a godsend. It might be that's why this little one's picture is up there, and just because some of us put up more lighthearted photos on facebook doesn't mean everyone uses it that way.

Sorry, that may be a minor point but I think it's important given all the comments about how people have felt they had to keep quiet about their loss, which they shouldn't have to do.

Serenitysutton · 19/05/2011 18:13

For me, no, yanbu. It's not common or socially acceptable in our culture, especially to display it somewhere like fb. I get that people want to raise awareness but that doesn't mean making people feel guilty for perfectly natural reactions. We do not covet pictures of dead people in This country. Raw grief is seen as something to be taken care of privately, with support from loved ones, not something to push in the face of your 1000+ extended network or randoms you went to school with to make them feel embarrassed and guilty.

travellingwilbury · 19/05/2011 18:15

I think some people will always find a parents grief uncomfortable , it is fine that you find the pic uncomfortable to look at , but for others who have found it yuk or weird then that I think is odd .

You have the ability to hide the photo or even the whole of facebook . That mother will see the picture of their dead child every day for ever . With or without the photo .

OvO · 19/05/2011 18:18
MollysChamber · 19/05/2011 18:19

Actually I think that's probably a pretty good point LRD.

Can I add to that that there is nothing yuck or ghoulish or distasteful or frightening about pictures of a stillborn baby.

My very dear friend asked me, shortly after her baby was stillborn, if I would like to see photos of him. I said yes because I felt that she wanted to show them to me.

I will admit to stealing myself a little - he was very very premature and I was pregnant too.

He was beautiful and perfect and I think seeing his photo more than anything else made me realise what she'd been through and is still going through.

I am really honoured that she chose me as one of the few she decided to share those photos with.

I know for a fact she would never want them on Facebook but that's personal choice and, as LRD said, more about how you use Facebook than anything else.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 19/05/2011 18:26

Thanks MC. I just know that if it were me/my family, it would mean so much to have support from a relative, and often for us the only way we really can get in touch is by email or facebook - and with facebook at least the whole family can see and pile in to talk or let each other know they're not alone.