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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit funny that a friend has a photo of a dead baby as her profile picture?

329 replies

HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 19/05/2011 09:13

A friend (distant) has put up a photo of her cousins very obviously dead (I think stillborn) baby as her profile picture, as a "tribute".

AIBU to find this a bit weird? The photo makes me feel uncomfortable. Is this my problem, and it is in fact a nice thing to do to honour the poor wee child? Her cousins has put "thank you" underneath, so she must think its a fitting tribute. Maybe its just me. I am quite prepared to admit I am BU if need be.

OP posts:
FoxyRevenger · 19/05/2011 09:33

No, I think you are not 'being unreasonable', you had a natural response to a photograph and you are keeping your feelings about it to yourself.

That's completely fair enough.

FWIW, my cousin's baby boy was born at 30 weeks and died less than two weeks later. A few of my family members have his photo as their profile pic - he is a member of our family and it's all we have of him, really.

His due date was the day my daughter was born and I find it extremely upsetting to see the picture and think that he was a little person with feelings and potential and a future, and wonder who he would become. But I do look at it, because I have to - he was here, it happened, terrible as it was and I like to honour that.

chubbly · 19/05/2011 09:38

Oh I'm crying just reading these, I can see how it makes you feel uncomfortable but for that family they only have a handful of photos and fleeting memories of their baby. Losing a baby is devastating you lose the baby, the future you had in your mind. Plus people expect you to 'get over it'. So many people never do. It's lovely that your friend thought about them and wanted to do something to let them know their child hadn't been forgotten.

JeremyKylesPetProject · 19/05/2011 09:39

YANBU. Although I find your thread title slightly weird. Its not A dead baby. Its HER deceased child.

emptyshell · 19/05/2011 09:40

How dare someone lose a baby - I mean how dare they?! And to actually want that child's existence acknowledged in the world as a very real tiny person who didn't get to breathe or see or smell the flowers... shocking. And for grief not to run to a timescale?! Disgusting - it's probably the anniversary of the birth or something and that's why it's there as a memorial/tribute.

The fact that the mother in question said thank you says it all really. Would any of you who actually GOT a happy ending be happy if someone told you you had to hide away and not show photos of your children, that to you are the most beautiful creations in the world (and let's face it - most newborns aren't to anyone but their parents)?! EXACT same thing, EXACT same thoughts and feelings.

Let's just go back to the days where stillbirth and miscarriage was a dirty little taboo subject where women hid their grief and pain in shame so as not to offend anyone shall we?

Little bit of tolerance - I have friends with scan photos as their profile pictures. THEY upset me greatly because they bring back flashbacks of the no heartbeat moment of my own in the scan room, baby photos can upset me greatly too in the same context at times... I don't yell scream and chuck a strop because they offend me - I use a firefox extension called adblock plus, block the image and go on as normal, no hiding people in a strop, no complaining because their photos don't suit me - I just hide the picture in question (but still get to see their newsfeed) and move on.

JeremyVile · 19/05/2011 09:40

Not unreasonable to feel uncomfortable about this.

I'd feel uncomfortable too, putting the picture on something as tacky as FB, imo, would cheapen what is a very sad situation.

But some people dont feel the same (obviously) and its their call.

deemented · 19/05/2011 09:41

I'm sorry Glakit if i've been a little harsh.

I honestly thought this was yet another 'Oh i can't look, it makes me feel sick' kind of thread. Yes, of course you're allowed to feel uncomfortable.

Sometimes when you suffer the loss of a child, you end up doing everything so people aren't uncomfortable about your loss, You tell them'It'sok' when blatantly it isn't, so theydon't feel bad. Yet sometimes you just want them to see how bad it is, how much your hurting.

MollysChamber · 19/05/2011 09:41

The mother obviously appreciates the sentiment behind it so I would say YABU.

FWIW I would feel uncomfortable about something like that too. To me it seems inappropriate. Grief and how you express it is a very personal thing. I'm a more private person I suppose.

FreudianSlipper · 19/05/2011 09:48

the baby may have died but he/she was still her cousins baby, and will always be family member that will be missed, loved and remembered

i think if the parents are ok with her doing this then no one else should really have a problem with it

FoxyRevenger · 19/05/2011 09:48

JeremyVile I would think Facebook is the best place for sharing a picture that means a lot to you with everyone you know.

How you think that would 'cheapen' the grief of a stillbirth... Hmm

HRHShoesytwoesy · 19/05/2011 09:48

yabu

LouMacca · 19/05/2011 09:51

YABU. My friends baby girl was stillborn in 2007 and I know people not wanting to see a photo of her baby has added to her distress, SHE IS STILL HER CHILD! On the photo it just looks like her beautiful baby is asleep, I was honoured to see the photo.

I have just done the Great Manchester Run for SANDS to raise awareness of stillbirth - it's not something that should be hidden away, this is 2011.

Support your friend, she is probably grieving too.

cumbria81 · 19/05/2011 09:52

Bloody hell, YANBU. I think that's in really poor taste. Fine, grieve for the baby and look at its photos, but to put it on FB? There is such a thing as oversharing.

QualiaQuale · 19/05/2011 09:53

YABU sort of, but understandably, and some of the comments here are both awful and OTT.

we have an instinctive human response to the dead, it is an entirely normal reaction, fear, revulsion, sorrow, guilt...this is the reaction we have to death and its reminders, and we are not used to photo's representing these things. We don't tend to show dead bodies up close in papers etc while reporting them, there is a reason for this.

So they are not unreasonable for putting up the photo, and you are not unreasonable for having a normal reaction to it. Your feelings are your own and nobody can tell you you shouldn't be having them.

sahm3 · 19/05/2011 09:54

I wouldnt find is as uncomfortable if she were the parent, I do however find it uncomfortable that it isnt her child, however the mum obviously is happy her childs picture is being used on facebook, so I guess its none of my business.

I believe grief should be a private thing, so struggle on times with some peoples openness.

JeremyVile · 19/05/2011 09:54

Well we just disagree then, dont we?

I dot think FB is the best place for sharing anything even remotely sensitive tbh.

I wouldnt want my trauma and sadness to be browsed in between someone elses account of a drunken night out, a rant about the price of groceries etc.

I'd feel uncomfortable seeing it - that doesnt mean I object to someone elses choice to share in that way.

LouMacca · 19/05/2011 09:55

Sorry OP didn't see your update, glad that you are supporting your friend and sending a message.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 19/05/2011 10:00

Your feelings are your own, and not unreasonable. But your cousin's actions are not unreasonable either, it's up to them what they do with their pics, and their feelings.

I'm not sure I'd want to see pictures of dead people in between the usual cartoons and pictures of people's arses that make up my FB page, either.

expatinscotland · 19/05/2011 10:02

Hide it then.

YABU.

MumblingRagDoll · 19/05/2011 10:06

YABU. My FB friend put a similar pic. Life cannot be unless we also have death. You cannot hide from it. Be more generous. If it helps your friend.

glassofwhiteanybody · 19/05/2011 10:08

I would also feel a little uncomfortable about it, but it's very important to acknowledge the existence of a stillborn child. So long as the mother likes the gesture, then I think it's OK and the feelings of the mother / father / siblings take priority over other people

DandyLioness · 19/05/2011 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontCallMePeanut · 19/05/2011 10:18

YABU. My sister had a stillbirth 23 years ago this June. She still mourns that baby. My 16 year old niece will reference the sister she's never met on facebook, and even left a status wishing her a happy birthday, last year.

My sister never really got the chance to grieve properly. When she returned from the hospital, Mum had already packed her baby's stuff away. To my sister, it felt like people were trying to deny there had ever been a baby. Luckily, for the rest of it, my mum was a lot more sensitive. My sisters baby got an announcement in births and deaths. Mum kept both clippings in a photoframe on her bedside table. Still marks her eldest grandchild on the calender. Will correct anyone who knows my sister if they call her eldest surviving baby the eldest child or grandson.

This is your friend's way of saying that the baby in question is still in their hearts. Grief has no timescale. You don't wake up one day and forget about the baby that you carried, and hoped for. If that photo offers your friend's cousin a smidge of comfort, then who are you to judge?

befuzzled · 19/05/2011 10:20

A friend of a friend of mine lost her own baby in stillbirth and had the photo up for awhile as their profile picture. I found it very upsetting and difficult to look at, and I don't think I would do it myself under the circumstances, but I took the attitude that, whatever she felt she needed to do as part of her grieving was fine by me.

I find the cousin doing it a little odd I have to say but as long a the parents are happy with it I suppose.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/05/2011 10:58

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think the FB aspect is weird, also that it's not the bereaved person themselves who have done it. Putting up the picture as a 'profile picture' is also strange to me; I can understand a site like 'gone too soon' but the FB site is more known for attention-seeking to a wider audience, in my opinion. What else could the mother put but 'thanks'? It's not as if you can 'like' the picture... it's very weird. Confused

That said, say nothing about it to anybody involved. You're not on your own thinking it's odd. People do odd things sometimes.

heleninahandcart · 19/05/2011 11:01

Yanbu to be uncomfortable and you seem to know already that your feelings probably relate to your own DCs birth. Your friend has the chance to remember her cousins LO and it may also have taken her courage on behalf of LOs Mum. You don't know. It would BU to judge.

Hide her status or stay off fb for today and let them remember