to feel a bit funny that a friend has a photo of a dead baby as her profile picture?

[HowToLookGoodGlaikit]

A friend (distant) has put up a photo of her cousins very obviously dead (I think stillborn) baby as her profile picture, as a "tribute".

AIBU to find this a bit weird? The photo makes me feel uncomfortable. Is this my problem, and it is in fact a nice thing to do to honour the poor wee child? Her cousins has put "thank you" underneath, so she must think its a fitting tribute. Maybe its just me. I am quite prepared to admit I am BU if need be.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Having a picture of your dd in your front room is rather different to putting it up as your profile picture on facebook, wouldn't you say Applehead?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

AppleHEAD... I'm very sorry for your loss.

Surely your family and friends would have been interested in seeing pictures, asking questions about your daughter so that you would have had an outlet?

I take issue with your comment 'keep your mouth shut'. The OP hasn't said anything to upset her friend, she's expressed an opinion here, where she can. It's not for you or anyone else to dictate for people to like it or shut up.

[CharleneysWishWellingtons]

Fair enough OvO, i appreciate that.
I would never ever say that a picture of a still born/dead baby was "Yuk", like someone has said above, thats wrong, because that is someones precious child.
It is just not something, personally, that i would want to see.

[Deflatedballoonbelly]

YABU

[OvO]

I understand it's upsetting and makes people uncomfortable and whatever else they feel. But I just want people to think before they type. It's not nice to read that it's "yuk" or "weird". All said by different people on this thread. Remember that there are people here that HAVE chosen to put these photos on facebook.

[hester]

I would feel uncomfortable, too, but then how other people handle their grief is often uncomfortable to us, isn't it?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

OvO... With respect, this is a forum. People use different vocabulary and ABIU is notorious for people speaking their minds and giving an opinion. I haven't seen anything inflammatory on this thread, just quite direct as people's feelings and opinions often are. The thread title is really quite clear enough. If somebody is feeling vulnerable or sad they have the choice to open the thread. I personally wouldn't, but everyone is free to if they choose.

[2rebecca]

My mother was very precious to me, but if my sister posted a photo of her corpse on Facebook I would think it was distasteful, and yes, yucky. Other people may disagree with me but that doesn't make my opinion wrong, just different to theirs. If you choose to read a thread about corpses on facebook then I don't think you should be surprised if some of it is "not nice" to read.

[CharleneysWishWellingtons]

Hester, you make a very good point.
I noticed that after i lost my son, friends on Facebook that weren't particulary close friends were messaging me and asking how i was getting on with my pregnancy etc. And i felt awful, guilty almost, to have to tell them that i had actually lost him.
Maybe in a way putting a picture of your baby on facebook is a way of letting people know almost.
I realise now people have alot of different reasons for doing it and i shouldnt have been so hasty to post that.

[takethisonehereforastart]

You are being a bit unreasonable.

I have lost two babies, one to stillbirth and one to prematurity. We were not allowed to have any photographs of our son, who was stillborn, and when our daughter was born the hospital camera was not charged properly so the only photo's we have of her were taken after she died.

The photographs of her and the one scan picture we have of our son are precious to us and I would be really hurt if I shared them with people I considered to be friends and they said they felt funny about looking at them and were going to hide my profile as a result (even if they didn't say it to me).

My MIL has been wickedly hurtful about our daughter's photograph and amongst the things she has said were things like "It's alright to put her picture up because she doesn't look....well she is still family I suppose" and "we were clearing out a box of rubbish and found X's photo in it" and "was she born with all of her face?" This last was said while staring at a photo where you can clearly see her entire face.

I've joined a grief support forum for people who lose babies late in pregnancy or neonatally and have lots of friends on facebook from that forum. One is burying another of her daughters toda, following another late loss a couple of years ago and many earlier miscarriages. Many of her facebook friends have changed their profile pictures in support because it means a lot to her.

When you haven't experienced baby loss it might be hard to understand why someone wants to share something so personal. Even if you have been through such a loss, sharing isn't for everyone. I have never put a picture of my daughter on facebook because there are some sick people on there who copy photographs and start groups to abuse the babies and the parents. I've seen one group dedicated to jokes about dead babies, miscarriages and murdered children and they stole a photograph belonging to someone I know slightly through the bereavement forum. The photoshopped a clown costume onto the baby and used it as the group profile photo. Reporting them to facebook achieves nothing because they just close the group before facebook act and then open it up again a few days or weeks later. There are also people who use real photo's of other people's babies to fake their own loss for attention.

But I do understand that if a parent wants to share their child's photograph it means a lot to them that other people are kind and understanding. Even when your child has died you still want to be a proud parent and share those precious photo's with your friends and family. It can be so hurtful if they don't want to look. As I said, I haven't shared my photo's on facebook or anywhere on the internet but I have pictures up at home and even there they were not safe from abuse.

If this makes your friend happy then support her while the photo is up. I doubt it will be for long, probably just to mark a special date for that child and his or her parents. And it's not a "dead baby" it is a photo of someones much loved child.

[OvO]

2 Rebecca, this has been covered up the thread. You have photos of your mother alive and well. When a baby is stillborn there are only pictures of them dead.

And you can all use what words you want as yes, it's a forum, so why pick up on me giving my opionion on what I think of those words?

[Charleymouse]

YANBU but neither is she.
I have a picture of my son (whilst he is live though) on my profile. I don't have many photos of him as he died shortly after birth. I want people to see him and ask about him just as I do with my children who have lived. He will always be my firstborn son. Comparing photos of adults who have died is totally inappropriate, it is most likely you will have photos of them alive. For a child who is stillborn you do not have that luxury.

If you were my friend I would appreciate the condolence message. I would also be mindful that you may have been upset and not mind if you blocked me/my photos etc.

I am not a big FBooker so do not really get it but the only reason I initially had an account was for sharing photos with others. Whether it should be a profile picture is tricky, as for the childs family it is in someways no different from having any of your children as a profile picture.

I have to say I am happy that stillbirth/death of an infant is becoming less of a taboo and is being talked about as it is one of those things that unless you mention it in hushed tones to someone you may never know they have had experience of it somewhere in their family.

Also it is not catching which is something I felt after my son died, even if people were not I felt all eyes were on me as "she's that woman whose baby died." Although it is sh1t and an awful thing to happen it happens a heck of a lot. It also does get easier over time to cope with but it gets harder as you realise you are the only person left who gives a F**K that you had a baby and they are dead. People do not acknowledge them (I know this is partly out of fear of upsetting you) but how more upsetting can it be to deny your childs life when they were here, your hopes and dreams you had for them are still here and will always be with you.

Sorry for ranting but I am having a crap day due to lack of sleep and being full of cold.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

OvO... Because you're instructing people on how to post. I know it's your opinion and you're entitled to it... it goes round and round.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Gorgeous family Charleymouse .

[OvO]

I'm asking people to think before they post words like yuk and weird regarding the photos of someones child. So clearly some people DO need instructing if they think that's okay.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Charleymouse... Sorry that you're having a crap day. :(

I understand exactly what you mean, I understand for the other posters too. I think that for me, the issue is FB. I get to see pictures from people who aren't on my friends' list and it's all become a bit much. As I'm not friends of those people, I'm unaware of their tragedies and it's a bit of a shock sometimes to see some of the pictures. Maybe it would be different if it were actual friends but then I would expect to support them in RL rather than on FB.

People can obviously put pictures wherever they want to but, if they're put in the public domain and there's no restriction on who can see them/copy them, then it's a risk that people at large will abuse them.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

It's not for you to tell people how to post, OvO, if you do, people will pull you up on it.

[OvO]

And I will continue to ask people to try think before using hurtful words.

Like you say round and round we go. There are a lot of posts on this thread saying that they really don't like to see these pictures but people have done it without using really crappy words/phrases.

I am trying to be unemotional about this and just want people to think before saying something that will hurt. I'm not asking anyone not to post their opinion just to think about how they word it when we are talking about such a sensitive subject.

Because I AM hurt by words like weird and yuk.

[Charleymouse]

Thank-you Bibbity I think so to, right back at you yours look lovely as well.

Cheers Lyingwitch, yes it is the fact that you can see all sorts of things on FB from people you don't know.

[aldiwhore]

YANBU to hide it for today. You would be unreasonable if you said anything to either your friend or the baby's mum.

Much like anything else on FB, hide it if you don't like it, or it makes you feel uncomfortable...I wish there was a 'hide' function in real life at times!

Maybe its a birthday, if it was 10 years ago that is quite a significant birthday too... people do different things in rememberance and grief, so they shouldn't feel they 'shouldn't' do what they feel is right.

[Rosmarin]

I wouldn't want a picture of me after I'd passed away on a networking site. I also wouldn't use one to post pictures of a dead person/child/animal. But then I don't put my personal life/grief on facebook. Some people do. Sometimes it's genuine and sometimes it's for sympathy (in my experience, after my Mom passed away). I would also feel uncomfortable by it (YANBU) but it's their right to do it (so YABU if you said anything).

[ashamedandconfused]

i don't think anyone should judge how another person deals with their grief or how they choose to remember their dead child, especially those with no experience of that

i do think its odd that this picture is the main profile pic which will come up with every comment, rather than just an album piccy people can see if they choose to look

I also think its a bit odd that it is the mothers cousin, not the mother doing this, but if the mother is Ok with it, thats all that counts

personally, pics of stillborn DD3 are for me and DH only - had anyone else at the time asked to see them, they could have, but noone asked - GPs and our older childrn have seen her hand and feet prints instead, and the DDs might ask to see her photos when they are old enough to deal with that - she does not look horrible at all, just tiny, innocent and peaceful -
she looks just like my other babies did, and not a day goes by when I dont think of her - 7 years on

I need a before I well up

[whatsallthehullaballoo]

YANBU - I do not think a FB profile picture can be a fitting tribute to anyone either. However, it is their right. I would not want everybody seeing what I view as very private, treasure memories sprawled over FB for everyone to gawp at.

If it helps the parents thought that is their decision.

[ashamedandconfused]

I have put the kettle on!
In response to what lots of people are saying, Photos of dead people often dont look dead. Is this what people are getting all in a stew about, are they expecting something from a horror movie? i really dont get it - eg, FIL looked so peaceful when we saw him after he died at the hospice - in some ways it is nicer to remember him as he was then, than to remember how he was in the last few weeks, incapable of any quality of life, in great suffering and reliant on all sorts of tubes and machines

[confuddledDOTcom]

manic, people have plenty of pictures of a happy, living 5, 12, 25,40,60 and 98 year olds! So yes, it would be a little odd to choose a picture of them dead rather than a live one. All people with stillborn babies get is a picture of their dead babies. Not a lot of choice there, is there?!

WSS

2rebecca:

"I think pictures of corpses on facebook are very yuk"

My daughter is not "yuk" thank you.

^"You wouldn't do it for an adult so why for a child" "Why is a phot of a dead baby relative OK if a photo of a dead adult relative wouldn't be?"

See above.

"especially if the baby died over 10 years ago."

Does grief of a statue of limitation? Does being a parent/ grandparent/ aunt/ cousin? No. My daughter will always be my daughter, she will always be a part of my life, as much as my other children and that will never end.

"Fair enough for the parents and relatives, but putting it on facebook seems weird"

Doesn't to me and they're my pictures. They're no "weirder" than all the pictures I have of my other children.

"I wouldn't even circulate a picture of my mum's corpse to my relatives on the anniversary of her death, not that we were gruesome enough to take one."

I hope you have plenty of pictures of your mum, I have 6 of my daughter and wish I could have taken more but it wasn't possible. It is no gruesome to take pictures of your beloved children when those are the only pictures you'll ever have. I'm not "gruesome" for wanting to remember and celebrate my child as much as I do my LC.

My daughter survived birth and you wouldn't tell the difference between her living or dead pictures. Would people feel better if they thought the pictures were before her death? (I'm not stating either way)

I've had my story published a couple of times and they've always put her picture in, I've had her picture in it's own album on Facebook, I've changed my profile picture during awareness weeks/ Wave of Light/ etc, I've even had someone do artwork based on her pictures (they asked if I would mind and it was beautifully done).

Sounds like a lot of people on here need to work on their settings and stop blaming others for not having their Facebook set right.