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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit funny that a friend has a photo of a dead baby as her profile picture?

329 replies

HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 19/05/2011 09:13

A friend (distant) has put up a photo of her cousins very obviously dead (I think stillborn) baby as her profile picture, as a "tribute".

AIBU to find this a bit weird? The photo makes me feel uncomfortable. Is this my problem, and it is in fact a nice thing to do to honour the poor wee child? Her cousins has put "thank you" underneath, so she must think its a fitting tribute. Maybe its just me. I am quite prepared to admit I am BU if need be.

OP posts:
QualiaQuale · 19/05/2011 11:16

are people actually telling someone that they are unreasonable to feel uncomfortable? Shock Honestly, what is wrong with you people? are you wannabe thought police? Pretty sure the one place we are free from the influence of others is in our own private feelings.

HalfTermHero · 19/05/2011 11:25

Yabu. If the mother is comfortable with the photo being displayed and appreciates the acknowledge and tribute to her child then fine. No need to feel anything other than deepest sympathy for all concerned.

ohmyfucksy · 19/05/2011 11:26

I would feel weird about it too. Just hide her.

AlwaysTooTired · 19/05/2011 11:34

I find it mawkish to post it as a profile picture because it then appears next to any posts on other walls regardless of subject. So "lol hun that is hilllariooos!" has a picture of dead baby next to it. When she logs in to play a Facebook game there's a picture of the poor child. I just don't see how that is a tribute. It also smacks a little of hijacking someone else's tragedy but if the mother is ok then I wouldn't say anything just hide it.

I wouldn't have found it odd if it was just a wall post with the photo and a few words but I find having it as a profile picture is a bit weird and attention seeking.

manicinsomniac · 19/05/2011 11:48

I don't think you're unreasonable to be uncomfortable.
I also don't think they are unreasonable to deal with their loss as they want to. Maybe it would have been the child's birthday today or something.

As you said, hide it and move one. Their loss, their choice. But an unusual/slightly strange one I agree.

confuddledDOTcom · 19/05/2011 11:51

Some of these posts have really made me angry! (A lot haven't and I thank all those who have said YABU)

My daughter was born alive at 20 weeks and she died in my arms at 3 hours old. I have photos of her and my family and they're no different to photos of my other two children. She was, is and always will be my daughter, she will always be treated like my daughter so if I think it's acceptable to share pictures of my LC or use them as profile pictures then it is acceptable to share pictures of my angel baby too or use her as my profile picture.

You're not intruding into my grief, you're sharing a member of my family as much as any other member of my family. I don't share pictures out of grief and death, I share them out of acceptance and life.

I don't really care who squirms to look at it, she's MY daughter! YANBU to feel uncomfortable, feelings - good or bad - are natural, human and what they are. YABU to judge the parents who want their children LC and angel babies to be a part of their life.

bibbitybobbityhat · 19/05/2011 11:56

I understand your discomfort, op, especially as it is a) the cousin not the mother and b) she is using it as her profile picture, rather than just having the photo amongst her other pictures.

Again, I cannot fathom why people want to put this kind of thing on facebook.

Having said all that, of course, if the mother of the baby is happy with it then I guess I'd have to say that yabu. But I agree with you.

manicinsomniac · 19/05/2011 11:57

Also, having read the thread I think it's slightly unreasonable of people to say the OP shouldn't feel uncomfortable about seeing a photo of a dead baby because it was still someone's loved child and as such normal to want to share the photos. I'd be interested to know if people would think it was similarly ok to post pictures of a dead 5,12,25,40,60 or 98 year old. At what point does it become an incredibly distressing thing to put in the view of large numbers of people and no longer the 'right' of the grieving family.

FB is very public, very informal and hardly known for being a sensitive place.

XI · 19/05/2011 12:03

manic, people have plenty of pictures of a happy, living 5, 12, 25,40,60 and 98 year olds! So yes, it would be a little odd to choose a picture of them dead rather than a live one. All people with stillborn babies get is a picture of their dead babies. Not a lot of choice there, is there?!

QuintessentialOldMoo · 19/05/2011 12:05

I think a little bit Yabu.

It made you stop and think, and it made you uncomfortable. Facebook by its very nature is communication. Your friend probably had an opinion, or a message to convey, in the same way as some would put a political message, or just a silly joke, they want to share it, and show they care.

I would also be uncomfortable, so in that respect yanbu. I also know myself enough to know why.
But, arent you lucky that you are merely "uncomfortable" rather than bereaved?

During my last few years of having to cope with my mums rapidly progressing alzheimers, I am realizing that life and death, and memory of the living and the dead is pretty fluid. Time does not matter, and time does not heal. At some point the brain finds all the grief that has been compartmentalized into the filing cabinet of the brain, filed under 1920, 1980, etc and make it as painful and relevant as if it was yesterday.

Asinine · 19/05/2011 12:10

'Funny' and 'dead baby' don't go well together in a sentence IMO. Your uncomfortable feelings are no doubt a lot less painful than her grief. If it helps her to come to terms with her experience then it's fine.

manicinsomniac · 19/05/2011 12:11

no, XI, they don't have a choice and I totally see that that photo would be one of the most precious things they own.

But what I'm saying is that I don't see that that means other, completely unrelated, people can't still be uncomfortable and upset by seeing a photo of a human that is not alive, just as they would if the photo was of an adult human.

Essentially I mean that neither side is unreasonable and it isn't ok to tell people they can't be upset by being faced with a picture of a dead child on facebook, whether that is the only picture the family have or not.

minipie · 19/05/2011 12:16

Depends what you mean by "feeling uncomfortable", OP.

YANBU if you feel it's a sad picture and find it upsetting.

YABU if you feel it's in some way inappropriate for it to be displayed. It's up to the parents whether they want photos displayed or not - if it helps them to have their baby acknowledged by their family members in this way, then good.

CharleneysWishWellingtons · 19/05/2011 12:21

I had to comment on this.
I seen a few things like this on my facebook not long after i lost my son. He was still born at 24 weeks.
And these pictures really upset me. I have a good few photographs that were taken in the hospital of my little boy which are now in a photo album. But no way in hell would i put them on the internet, especially on Facebook. I dont think that those pictures are for anyone else to see. They are private and something to remember your baby for yourself.
I really dont understand it, and i dont think its right IMO.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/05/2011 12:21

What manicinsomniac said.

It's not unreasonable for anybody to have feelings about anything; it's completely unreasonable of anybody else to say that they shouldn't.

2rebecca · 19/05/2011 12:23

I think pictures of corpses on facebook are very yuk. You wouldn't do it for an adult so why for a child, especially if the baby died over 10 years ago.
Fair enough for the parents and relatives, but putting it on facebook seems weird. I wouldn't even circulate a picture of my mum's corpse to my relatives on the anniversary of her death, not that we were gruesome enough to take one.
Why is a phot of a dead baby relative OK if a photo of a dead adult relative wouldn't be?
I wouldn't be saying anything and would just hide her profile photo, or avoid facebook.

Whelk · 19/05/2011 12:24

Yabu

OvO · 19/05/2011 12:26

Charlene, I don't think it's right that you don't put the pics on facebook.

Am I being rude? Making horrible judgements about how you've chosen to deal with your grief?

Yup, sure am. Exactly what you just did. It is RIGHT that anyone who wishes can put their stillborn babies photo on facebook same as it is right for YOU that you don't.

It would be nice if everyone could just respect how everyone else feels. Respect that some people want these photos there, respect that this makes some people uncomfortable.

CharleneysWishWellingtons · 19/05/2011 12:30

Ok i apologise, i didnt word that correctly. Its not right for ME.
I'm not judging anyone who does, but all i said was that it really upset me when i saw these pictures.
I wouldn't put pictures of my baby on facebook because i dont think anyone else would want to see them, and also they are prvate for me.

And i didnt think i was being rude at all. Is Mumsnet not for opinions? As everyone has given on here?

lesley33 · 19/05/2011 12:30

I would feel very uncomfortable looking at a photo of an obviously dead baby. But I also understand from bereavements that dealing with a bereavement like this must ve very very hard. So if this gives the mother some comfort, then I think its fine.

AppleHEAD · 19/05/2011 12:30

When my daughter was stillborn at 34 weeks I wanted to put a picture of her in my front room. Not too big. But I didn't because I couldn't stand the thought of a reaction like yours. Sadly because she was stillborn I only have DEAD pictures of her, well apart from a few scan pictures. She was still my daughter and still my child the fact that she wasn't here was devastating beyond belief. People said how sorry they were but what I wanted to do was show picture or be asked her name or what she looked like. I wouldn't get the chance to christen her, take her out in her pram, to school, or even the park because she was dead! You see the problem is that our society we don't deal with stillbirth or dead babies very well. Let's not talk about it let's let the women who experience it just to die slowly themselves.
Sometimes the agony of not only losing her but the fact that there is no where she can be mentioned takes me over. Sometimes I just say her name out loud.
I applaud your friend and I don't doubt that she has given her friend a lot of comfort. Had the baby lived she would have posted the picture. She didn't but she was still alive for a while and her family had hopes and dreams for her or him!!
So let them post the picture and if you don't like it then keep your mouth shut... There but for the grace of god

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/05/2011 12:35

CharleneysWishWellingtons... I didn't think you were being rude. I absolutely agree with you. There will be people who absolutely don't. I don't think FB is a venue for that, I think that because I get updates from my friends who comment on their own friends' pictures that I didn't elect to see and don't want to. I don't think that everything should be public. It doesn't matter, we're all entitled to what we think. :)

OvO · 19/05/2011 12:36

Charlene, course you can give your opinion. It was just that yours was the last message I read and it bothered me so I gave you MY opinion on it. I didnt mean for you to feel like i was wanting you not to post.

Unfortunately I hadn't seen 2rebecca's post before I posted or I'd have chosen hers to reply to as hers is so very offensive.

CharleneysWishWellingtons · 19/05/2011 12:37

Thankyou LyingWitchInTheWardrobe, the picture i seen on facebook was also from someone who wasn't on my friends list.
But thats exactly it, its everyone choice and i am entitled to say, like the op and other posters on here, that it is upsetting to see.

DaisyLovesMetronidazole · 19/05/2011 12:38

YANBU at all. Neither is the woman who put the picture up.

I can't believe people have picked on your choice of words so much. I also know you weren't thinking for a minute that your discomfort was greater than the mother's grief.

Many people don't find these things easy. It is hardest for the parents of the child, but that doesn't mean nobody else's feelings matter either.