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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit funny that a friend has a photo of a dead baby as her profile picture?

329 replies

HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 19/05/2011 09:13

A friend (distant) has put up a photo of her cousins very obviously dead (I think stillborn) baby as her profile picture, as a "tribute".

AIBU to find this a bit weird? The photo makes me feel uncomfortable. Is this my problem, and it is in fact a nice thing to do to honour the poor wee child? Her cousins has put "thank you" underneath, so she must think its a fitting tribute. Maybe its just me. I am quite prepared to admit I am BU if need be.

OP posts:
Serenitysutton · 19/05/2011 18:27

I don't really get the obsession with photos anyway. It's only a print of how someone looks. If h died I wouldn't need to plaster the house in photos of him- they add nothing to the memories. It might be nice to go through old albums once in a while or watch home videos but I don't think I'd need to be constantly reminded what he looked like. What you look like isn't important.

travellingwilbury · 19/05/2011 18:29

No it doesn't matter serenity but if very close friends of yours had never seen him , and you had known him for ten years , I bet they would ask for a pic .

I also don't think anyone "plasters" their house with photos of their dead children but one or two so that people know of their existence is quite a normal thing to do .

travellingwilbury · 19/05/2011 18:31

It can also let people know that it is ok to talk about the child and not shy away from the subject . Just having that opener there can be a good thing .

MollysChamber · 19/05/2011 18:32

I think I would find comfort from having one or two photo's around the house. Again it's personal choice.

Serenitysutton · 19/05/2011 18:43

Ididnt say anyone did plaster their house full of photos. I said I wouldn't. Saying you wouldn't do something isn't an accusation that everyone else does.

BumWiper · 19/05/2011 21:33

serenity these photo's are all we have of our babies.we dont have a choice of pictures to put up and believe me i would do anything to have a photo of my angel alive.
when showing her photo's i felt strangly proud,like any parent is of their child.yes we were lost in greif but i wanted people to see her,to see her as my beautiful daughter.

putting pictures of people who have passed up,whilst they were alive is very different.there is choice.we have no choice,the only pictures we will ever have of her she is sleeping.

ChippingIn · 19/05/2011 21:43

Stickytoffeepud/serenitysutton - have you actually read the thread? Have either of you got an ounce of sympathy? People like you really make me sick - standing in judgement over something you know nothing about. You would do well to walk a mile in a bereaved parents shoes before you post your ignorant opinions.

ledkr · 19/05/2011 21:59

Its not "a dead baby" its someones child.

ChippingIn · 19/05/2011 22:05

ledkr - I think some people are just too thick to actually be able to comprehend that :(

Serenitysutton · 19/05/2011 22:18

Chipping in what are you on about? It's not all about you. Are you saying people shouldn't share their opinions? I'm far from thick, just not into being guilt tripped.

takethisonehereforastart · 19/05/2011 22:23

serenity you have missed the point. Parents of a stillborn baby have virtually no memories at all. A few happy weeks or months of being pregnant, maybe one or two scans which are the only time they 'saw' their baby alive and then the whole thing blown apart by the most cruel news (and nobody ever expects it to happen to them so it's unexpectedly cruel news too).

Photographs suddenly become very important to people in that situation and it's not just a print of how someone looks, it's the only photo or photo's you will ever have of a baby who will never grow up to have other pictures taken or any memories made.

ledkr · 19/05/2011 22:25

Why do you think you are being guilt tripped? What was in it for the person displying the picture? Sorry cos not read all the thread but its not just a dead baby

Serenitysutton · 19/05/2011 22:28

Could you please point out where I have typed dead baby?

ledkr · 19/05/2011 22:37

I was responding to the op serenity,sorry should have made that clearer

Serenitysutton · 19/05/2011 22:39

Good. I was wondering why you kept over exagerating it.

ChippingIn · 19/05/2011 22:43

serenitysutton - in what way do you think, that I think it's all about me exactly?

Of course you are entitled to your ignorant opinion, just as I am entitled to tell you it's an ignorant opinion.

You also post utter crap as though it were fact - it's not, it's simply your small minded opinion.

It's not common or socially acceptable in our culture

We do not covet pictures of dead people in This country

Raw grief is seen as something to be taken care of privately, with support from loved ones, not something to push in the face of your 1000+ extended network or randoms you went to school with to make them feel embarrassed and guilty

What a lot of crap.

ChippingIn · 19/05/2011 22:43

You typed dead people and dead babies are dead people - really not much different is it.

Serenitysutton · 19/05/2011 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

OvO · 19/05/2011 22:49

Chipping, just walk away. There's no explaining to some people unfortunately.

ChippingIn · 19/05/2011 22:50
ChippingIn · 19/05/2011 22:51

OvO - no you are right, some people will remain ignorant and small minded no matter what.

MollysChamber · 19/05/2011 22:51

Chipping your post makes perfect sense to me and I agree with you.

bananasinpyjamas · 19/05/2011 23:00

Havn't read the whole thread but I have a picture of my dead baby born when I was 23 weeks pregnant - it is not tasteless, she was wrapped in a shawl) displayed in my house. It is the only thing I have and it was a part of my life. People don't know how to confront it but its not a taboo its a baby. Don't feel uncomfortable. Just feel sad cos this baby has died. My friend has a picture of her nana as her facebook profile cos her nana has just died. I guess this is acceptable. Its pictures of dead babies which aren't but they were people too and sometimes the only thing people have left to share is the picture.

HansieMom · 19/05/2011 23:03

I disagree with most of you, it seems to me the facebook poster is doing this to get attention. I think it is in extremely poor taste.

It is, of course, terribly sad for the parents to have their precious baby die before it had a chance to live. I don't think using its picture to draw attention to a facebook poster is at all appropriate. I don't buy the 'tribute' thing.

OvO · 19/05/2011 23:04

When a baby is stillborn I think that for many people it's sort of an abstract thing. They know a baby has died but they've never met this person. A photo makes it real for them. Helps people to realise just exactly what has been lost.