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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend using same name for her daughter - five weeks apart.

302 replies

wellamI1981 · 18/05/2011 16:08

So...my bub is just over a month old. When she was born my best mate obviously text to say congratulations and mentioned that she and her husband had picked the same name (Charlotte) for their daughter - giving the impression that going ahead with it would now be a bit silly. I have now found out that far from abandoning the name they are going ahead with calling their baby the same name.

Now I totally realise no one owns a name - particularly one so, so popular. If it were simply a friend's baby (i.e. not my best friend who I see most days) I wouldn't be as concerned. But it's my best friend...

So...AIBU to be concerned/upset?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 21/05/2011 21:53

weird is youre depth of response
its a v pretty name.v popular
now compose yourself

YellowDinosaur · 21/05/2011 21:55

Yep wellam I am not immune about getting upset about daft things.

But I am not so selfish that I would use that to make my best friends special day all about me.

Seriously, if you really are happy to lose your friend over this you should keep on as you are. If you have a reality check and realise that this is really not such a big deal then you still have a chance to get passed this. Your choice.

ZZZenAgain · 21/05/2011 21:56

they'll love being the two Charlottes and they will grow up together , they are a month apart

I agree it is strange for your best friend to decide to give her dd the same name as yours and they are practically the same age etc but people do worse things in life.

IME as a mother, you can do with having friends.

bubblecoral · 21/05/2011 21:56

I'm more than capable of getting pissed off and throwing frequent wobblers over something daft.

It would never make me tell my best friend who had just given birth that I would be upset at her choice of baby name and that her family and friends would think she is odd.

TheMitfordsMaid · 21/05/2011 21:59

Honestly, you are being ridiculous, as well you know.

My DS has an unusual name. I never though we'd meet another but we did, when he was 3 weeks old. They are now nearly 5 and the LOVE the fact they have the same weird name. I can't believe you won't do baby groups with her. Seriously, I think you should sit back and work out if there is something bigger going on here because this isn't a normal reaction.

scottishmummy · 21/05/2011 21:59

everyone has nanny rooney,just we dont all share.nor do we text.
manage to negotiate inner huff and retain social composure
you should try it...

VivaLeBeaver · 21/05/2011 22:00

She was maybe suprised that you went ahead with the name after she told you they'd already decided on it for their DD. Hmm

Just because their DD hadn't been born yet doesn't mean that they hadn't already been thinking of her as Charlotte for the last few months. Why should they change it?

I'm sure that the 2 girls will like being name twins.

Original poster
wellamI1981 · 21/05/2011 22:02

I don't really have a response. I'm clearly self-obsessed and selfish beyond all realms. I'm not being sarcastic either.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 21/05/2011 22:04

oh do stop the poor widdle you thang
1st your name get stolen
2nd no one on mn gets you

pooka · 21/05/2011 22:04

There are two olivias in my close circle of friends. Plus more at school and all over the place.

It has never been remotely confusing really.

You are being ridiculously precious about this and I feel really sorry for your friend.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 21/05/2011 22:08

Just think of the positives more generally here -

  1. You have a best friend.
  2. You have a baby daughter.
  3. Your friend has a baby daughter nearly the same age as yours, and they can be friends too.
  4. There are several short versions of the name for you both to choose from, Charlie, Lottie. Or like me you might end up calling DD by some other weird pet name, especially when you're with your friend.
  • Have a great summer together with your friend, and your two DD's !
Don't let this tiny hiccup spoil two great friendships !
YellowDinosaur · 21/05/2011 22:09

Still, look on the bright side.

When your friend comes here to post 'AIBU to choose the same name for my dd as my best friend chose for hers first' she won't need to bother since she can read from this thread that with very few exceptions the whole of MN resoundingly finds that she is not being unreasonable. And also, given that she will identify herself easily from the fact you have posted both her dds names and her dd2 birthday, she will know that you are not much of a friend and she can concentrate on people who are.

YellowDinosaur · 21/05/2011 22:10

Yep, she can indeed see that most people do NOT in fact think she is wierd for choosing the same name

bubblecoral · 21/05/2011 22:11

Well, yes. You are being self obsessed and selfish. But you don't have o act on those feelings. You are just being a bit PFB, as I'm sure most of us have been at some stage over something pointless.

You can make an active choice to get over this though. You can pretend that you are happy for your best friend and that you don't mind. You can congratulate her, and apologise for your behaviour. You can suggest a baby group to go to in a couple of weeks time. And even if you don't really feel it right now, if you try hard enough, you will realise how silly your initial reaction is and begin to forget about it. And hopefully that way you will still have your closest friendship intact, instead of working it out when it's too late to repair the friendship. You can't get the first few special months of your dd's life back.

YellowDinosaur · 21/05/2011 22:14

By the way our girls name choice was the same as the dd of a good friend who was a couple of years older. We asked if they minded but actually not sure we would have changed it if they had given that both dh and I loved it much more than any others. They had a ds when I was about 5 months pregnant and the name they chose was the boys name we had picked out. So whatever we chose we were going to duplicate. We had a ds and still went with the name we had chosen.

Thankfully they were not as precious as you about it and were totally relaxed about the idea. It does help that we live a couple of hours apart I guess but we still see them a couple of times a year and have lots of mutual friends, none of whom thought it was wierd.

pooka · 21/05/2011 22:16

I can see that it would have been preferable from your point of view for her not to have used Charlotte, even though she did say that that was the name they were wanting, prior to her dd being born.

But that is by the by. The name has been chosen. SO you shrug your shoulders, think of the positives in the situation - close bond in age and name, good friend to share the summer with and so on.

What I objected to most in your posts was the sheer inflexibility and "sod you" of saying that that was it for the friendship, that you couldn't go to baby groups any more and so on. Which is completely out of perspective and OTT in relation to a pretty minor and non-heinous issue.

shortround · 21/05/2011 22:22

Did you as best friends not discuss your chosen names during pregnancy? I would be totally pissed off!!!! Yes we don't own a name, but she is your best friend and she has had 5 weeks to pick another name!

YellowDinosaur · 21/05/2011 22:22

Yep I totally agree with pooka who has managed to say what I meant with a lot more sensitivity than I have managed.

OP, I get your upset. And apologise for the unpleasantness of my last couple of posts. But you have to be able to see that you are being totally OTT, precious and irrational over this. If you let this spoil your friendship I think that is very very sad.

shortround · 21/05/2011 22:23

Oh hang on . Dd i miss a page of threads ... She had told you before hand they were naming thier baby Charlotte? In that case, she has every right to be pissed off with you for taking her name?

Original poster
wellamI1981 · 21/05/2011 22:25

I know it's non heinous. It's not ideal - that's all. And I think it's strange. It was actually quite a light hearted thread to begin with and now I feel like bloody topping myself (although I'm sure I'll be berated for saying that too - how insensitive to joke about suicidal people etc). I will get over myself. It will be a distant memory in a few weeks. But surely a mumsnet rant is pretty harmless? I am going to let things settle, apologise and accept what's happened. Thanks for all of your opinions as those close to me have obviously agreed with me, as is often the case. I really didn't mean to upset/offend people.

OP posts:
YellowDinosaur · 21/05/2011 22:26

shortround the ops friend said that was the name they too had chosen after she received the birth announcement text from the OP stating their new dd was called Charlotte. They hadn't discussed this name while they were both pregnant.

Original poster
wellamI1981 · 21/05/2011 22:28

I actually feel really embarrassed and ashamed now.

OP posts:
shortround · 21/05/2011 22:29

Right gathered now. I didn't realise this thread was 9 pages!! Missed a huge chunk with my fat fingers hitting next page.

scottishmummy · 21/05/2011 22:30

look,get a perspective.unclench
new parent you have lots ahead to worry about.and names aint it
its a pretty name,there are lots of charlottes about.

and it doesnt matter what folk say to your face about your gripes.maybe its just social platitude "oh you're so right..."blah blah

YellowDinosaur · 21/05/2011 22:30

OP a mumsnet rant certainly is harmless, up until your friend whose dds you have named in this thread and whose dd2 birthday is obvious from the thread comes on here and clicks on this thread as it resonates with her situation. Or one of her friends does. And recognises herself.

Nothing wrong with ranting but you can't expect everyone to agree with you. Especially when you repeatedly say that this has changed not only how you feel about your friend but also how you are going to behave towards her.

Also people in real life are less likely to be objective and more likely to be swayed by not wanting to upset their friend if they see you're upset aren't they? They may well agree with you but there will be lots of people who don't.