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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend using same name for her daughter - five weeks apart.

302 replies

wellamI1981 · 18/05/2011 16:08

So...my bub is just over a month old. When she was born my best mate obviously text to say congratulations and mentioned that she and her husband had picked the same name (Charlotte) for their daughter - giving the impression that going ahead with it would now be a bit silly. I have now found out that far from abandoning the name they are going ahead with calling their baby the same name.

Now I totally realise no one owns a name - particularly one so, so popular. If it were simply a friend's baby (i.e. not my best friend who I see most days) I wouldn't be as concerned. But it's my best friend...

So...AIBU to be concerned/upset?

OP posts:
GwendolineMaryLacey · 21/05/2011 22:31

Look, what you've said here doesn't matter. What matters is your relationship with your friend. You say you've been best friends for years, that's important, far too important to lose over an issue like this. Just make it right and enjoy the two babies. Good luck :)

YellowDinosaur · 21/05/2011 22:33

OP cross posted.

I mean this is the nicest possibly way but its a good thing that you feel embarrassed and ashamed. You SHOULD feel like this for being prepared to ditch a close friend over this.

But use these feelings to turn it around. There is nothing wrong with your feelings of upset about this but honestly you really need good friends when you have a new baby. Don't mess this up. Go and see her tomorrow, take flowers / presents / her fave food she couldn't eat when pregnant, give her a massive hug and apologise for being silly.

If I was you I would seriously think about getting this thread deleted as if I was her and read this I would be very upset.

Original poster
wellamI1981 · 21/05/2011 22:34

Yellow - I'm feeling pretty shit already. Do you have to keep plugging away? I'm in the wrong and I'll sort it out.

OP posts:
bubblecoral · 21/05/2011 22:34

You don't need to feel bad about yourself, I think you have taken this quite well actually. It may have taken some time, which is understandable because you are just sticking up for your feelings and your dd's name. But you have realised that you are being unreasonable and they you should do the right thing, so you can't be criticised for that.

Perhaps those closest to you are being sensitive to your feelings because you are a new Mum too. And I think most people would agree that it's not ideal, but when two friends have the same name that they want for their baby, what else is there to do but share?

I hope you don't wait too long before contacting your friend.

And honestly, take MN's word for it, soon your dd will be doing so much, you can probably already see her little personality coming through, and you will see that her name is just a very very small part of who she is and it really doesn't matter that much. Maybe it just seems like a bigger thing now because as gorgeous as newborns are, they don't do much, so their name is quite a significant thing about them. But it won't be that way for long.

Original poster
wellamI1981 · 21/05/2011 22:36

I doubt they will delete it.

OP posts:
FlubbaBubba · 21/05/2011 22:36

Good for you OP - not many AIBU thread starters see the error of their ways if it turns out they ARE BU.

You'll feel better about it when you've sorted it with her.

bubblecoral · 21/05/2011 22:38

They will delete it if you ask them to. Just click on report on your OP.

I hope you feel better about the whole thing in the morning and can start to look forward to getting some gorgeous photos of your two beautiful babies together. Smile

Domesticbodess · 21/05/2011 22:39

I think you've had a tough time on this thread OP. Yes, a lot worse things happen but you no doubt put a lot of thought into your dd's name and hoped that she would be the only little Charlotte in your close circle of friends. I can understand your upset. It's a shame your friend couldn't have discussed the matter with you in the last month. I for one can understand why you're fed up.

Deflatedballoonbelly · 21/05/2011 22:39

WELLAM, I would be disappointed with my best friend. I think its a bit of an unwritten rule really. No sharing boyfriends, Maid of honour/bridesmaids at wedding etc..

My best friend would not do that to my child, and I not to theirs. I think its weird tbh.

Your not self obsessed or being V unreasonable. Its bothering you, your being honest on here and a load of people on the screen are sitting in their ivory towers attempting to mkae you feel bad for feeling a natural feeling: jealousy. Thats all it is, jealousy. She stole your name that you chose for your DD. Simple as really.

But unfortunately you have to either suck it up (begrudgingly) or forsake a very good friendship (?!) over what is essentially a name.

Hope you find some perspective and a total non-Mumsnet x x

YellowDinosaur · 21/05/2011 22:39

You can ask. Tell them that you have realised that you have posted a lot of identifying information about your friend and you would hate to upset her if she read it. If they won't delete the whole thread at least ask them to delete the post where you name her dd1 then it is a lot less obviously her.

Good on you for reflecting and realising that you have been a little silly baout this. For what its worth I was so sleep deprived and hormonal at your stage that I could have had any manner of irrational reactions about stuff. You are not a bad person. And my posts weren'tintended to make you feel shit but just to try and help you to do the right thing by your friend which owuld in the end do the right thing for you. Good luck.

scottishmummy · 21/05/2011 22:40

cycling christ its not worst thread on mn
aye,its princessy but youre not 1st feetie stamp mummy on aibu and you wont be last.so,yep some posts you likey,some not

refocus, embrace being new mum.hold onto your pal
sweat the big stuff.not trivia like this

latrucha · 21/05/2011 22:43

Sorry you got a roasting OP.

Good for you for having second thoughts. A MN rant isn't the end of the world.

scottishmummy · 21/05/2011 22:50

lol,deflared no one steals a name because no one owns a name
there is no exclusivity on names.just ask all the freya,grace,sophie,olivia mums

QuintessentialOldMoo · 21/05/2011 23:03

To be honest, I understand how you feel.

This is your FIRST baby. It is your friends second baby. She already has a firstborn. She has usurped the name you have chosen for your little girl. To you, this makes your baby less precious, and less special in your friends eyes, she does not even have a name "of her own". It is "just another Charlotte". Not THE Charlotte. I get you.

Let me tell you something.

We chose a really unique name for our second son. It is not an English name, it is a Norwegian name. But it sounds nice in English. (I am Norwegian)
One of my neighbours were pregnant at the same time as me, but we did not know eachother, she had recently moved in.

When I came to the registry office to register my babys birth, the registrar did a double take. She said it was most unusual that such a unique name were given a baby with just a few days between, it blew her statistics totally.

It turned out that my neighbour had given HER baby the same name as MY baby. Her baby was born two weeks after mine, but she registered his birth earlier. Her grandmother was Norwegian, and they had researched online to fine a nice name that would honour her late grandma, and they ended up with this name quite by chance.

As it happened, it did cause ONE problem. Us living on the same road, she in nr 92, me in nr 72. Our GP practice would forever get the babies mixed up, the secretaries would change the addresses and mix up their notes constantly. Anyhow, we became friends. The name was never an issue. We both had our reasons for chosing the name, and they were not the same. They were not the same children, but they were both blonde little boys with blonde mums and dads.

I dont think it is worth falling out with your friend, it IS possible for two friends to have the same name for their kids, without confusion.
It happened in our ante natal classes, but with years between. There is one Tim who is 9 and another Tim who is 6. It does not matter. The mum of Tim the first is feeling quite honoured that her friend chose the same name for her precious baby.

HeadfirstForHalos · 21/05/2011 23:10

Your friend has just given birth and in your "congratulations" text you bring up this pile of shit? (in a "nice" way)

She told you they had picked the same name as soon as she knew you had chosen that name. Nobody has copied anyone, you both chose the SAME NAME, the only difference is you gave birth first.

I can see how it may feel a little odd for a while, but you are totally over-reacting.

I really hope this is just a case of not having had enough sleep and just having a wobble.

scottishmummy · 21/05/2011 23:12

dear god,stop pandering.op has chosen a 100 top baby name.not some made uppicus LydiaLaffALot name

some posters keeping reinforcing this your name.1st dibs thing.it doesnt go like that.or else thete would be no Jack,sophie,freya or charlottes

Dozer · 21/05/2011 23:13

Yabvu and self-centred and deserve the hard time on here. Hope you can make it up to your friend.

bubblecoral · 21/05/2011 23:14

What's wrong with the name Lydia!? Wink Grin

scottishmummy · 21/05/2011 23:16

lydia-lovely
LydiaLaffALot- yowsa

OohMatron · 21/05/2011 23:18

Wellam i understand that you feel a bit pissed off, i would too BUT i think you need to text your friend and say 'I'm sorry i was being daft, i'll get over it, congratulations on your baby etc'.

It's not worth losing a friend over, she'll either be sat worried that she's pissed you off or angry at you you spoiling her baby's arrival.

My guess is she told you some of the names they wanted but kept back her favourite as you did, unfortunate but not the end of the world. Why should she have to compromise on her baby's name just because you both chose the same one.

Don't let this spoil what should be such a happy time in both your lives, sort it out asap

scottishmummy · 21/05/2011 23:20

an eye opener some of you think chose same name is a no no

nameymcnamechanger · 21/05/2011 23:21

YABU
she told you straight away that she had picked it too
you dont own it because you got there first

Original poster
wellamI1981 · 21/05/2011 23:21

My life is one big wobble at the moment to be honest. No she text asking how I felt if they still went with Charlotte. I did think about saying 'it's fine - go for it' but thought it best to be honest and not resent later I hadn't. Thank you for the thoughtful responses quinticential and deflated - at least I know I'm not entirely mad. Like I have said - this does all seem very trivial now and I'm definitely going to make things up. But like Scottishmummy said, it's not 'all about me' so I'm going to let things settle first. I am so lucky to have my beautiful, healthy daughter and that's all that matters really.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 21/05/2011 23:24

i can only emphasise dont sweat trivia.like this.
as i said v pretty name. but pace yourself for new mum ups and downs.if you expend energy on this its energy you could use more purposefully

bubblecoral · 21/05/2011 23:24

My God daughters name is Lydia, I thought it was lovely and very original. Then within a year of her being born there were two at my dc's school and I met another at one of my dc's clubs. My friend met another in her baby group. Just goes to show that even when you think you have an original name, they can pop up anywhere!

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