I don't want to go this this "memorial" service

[whatever17]

I am 42, have never been to a funeral at all. My Dad believes that women and children should not attend funerals and I have gone along with that. I wanted my first funeral to be my parents.

Anyway, my best mate's sister has died. She died in USA - I only met her a couple of times. My mate made me phone her and send her flowers and gifts whilst she was dying.

I did it for my mate. Now she wants me to go to the memorial.

I don't want to, I didn't even know the woman.

I just read throught the thread and saw your comment about not understanding why your friend is "making a palaver for herself" and she's "making people go who have never even met her sister."

You're not a friend. You're a selfish childish person. How does your friend not know by now what a piece of work you are? Other people should not have to handle their bereavement in a way that YOU deem appropriate. She can grieve any way she wants, she's lost her sister.

The day will come when bereavement comes to your door and only then will you understand how you are letting your friend down by thinking the way you do.

I'm from North East Scotland and when I was growing up, women never went to the graveside. Even recently my aunt did not go to her husband's grave, nor (last year) did my aunt on the other side go to her sisters' or brother's grave.

I took a cord at my father's internment. All aunts were quietly shocked.

Cynically I believe it stems from when funerals were always held in the house and someone had to go home and put the kettle on. But I think that it may be a very localised tradition.

But a memorial is not a graveside, and much more for the living. You should go and support your friend.

OP, I was "lucky" according to your definition - the first funeral I went to was my father's

It was 20 years ago this year, I was 11, and I have been to many since

Grow up FFS

Sorry, not this year, this week

Funerals are for the living, not the dead.
I've been to the funeral of someone I hadn't met (a friend's Dad) in order to support the bereaved person.
Stop being so fucking selfish - some friend!

very much an age thing i think, my Dad is 85 and all the (Welsh) family funerals were only ever men only at the crem or graveside, I can remember Dad being really suprised when I said I would be there for everything when Mum died. OP, I believe that if you are at all uncomfortable don't go, it will not be in the spirit of the occassion if you are feeling at all resentful.

There won't be a graveside though will there, the woman has already been cremated?

Bloody hell OP! So your best friend has asked you for support during a terrible time in her life? Christ, what a cow! How dare she put you in such an awkward position! Expecting you to give a shit and all.

Seriously, I cannot believe you are 42. I was near my mums house the other week and the street was lined with people. I asked a lady what was happening and she explained there was a memorial service at the local church for a young lad who had been killed in Afghanistan . I stopped and paid my respects. Why did I and hundreds of others do that? Human empathy. Because we wanted his loved ones to know that we respected him and demonstrated some kind of support.

The last funeral I went to was a very close friend's mum who had died from horrible aggressive cancer. I had met her mum a few times but didn't really know her well. I was completely distraught because her family looked so shattered by grief and my friend was so brave. I was there for her. And I cried a lot more there than at my grandma's funeral a year ago. My friend needed me and our other friends at such a dreadful time. Your friend needs you and it doesn't matter that you didn't know the deceased (although, for fucks sake, you did...you spoke to the poor woman as she was dying. Are you made from stone?)

Stick a rocket up your backside, grow up and give your friend the love and support she clearly needs from you.

My MIL says she will never go to my FIL's grave. But she will. It's a double . . .

I went to a funeral last month for a little lad who died aged 12 weeks. He had been born prem, and had died from complications. I had never met that little boy, but have worked with his Dad for a number of years. His Dad had said to a couple of people, that he and his wife would welcome anyone to church, and Mum was particularly worried that there would only be a handful of people there, as LO had never even been out of hospital.
Apart from the family, there were over 100 people in the church. People who had never seen the lad apart from in photos. There were people standing at the back of the church, no pews left. One of my colleagues was slightly apprehensive about attending, as she had lost a child a few years previously, but she put herself in the parents shoes, and totally disregarded what emotions it may bring back for her.
It wasn't about Us, the 10 or so people who turned up from my department. We wanted to show Mum and Dad, that young as he was, we wanted to show respect for that little boys life, and support the parents by showing them his life and exsistence were as important as someone who had lived 70-80 years.

I was speaking to his Dad last week, and apparently the night of the funeral his Mum was half-smiling through her sobs saying 'Can you believe it - all those people coming to say goodbye to our little man?'

OP, you have disappeared, I hope it is because you ashamed of some of the mean things you have said and thought.

As others have said, it is not about YOU. I truly hope that when anything happens to a loved one of yours that people do not treat you with a similarly selfish attitude in order to teach you this.

its sounds like your friend needs your support and wants you to be there for her. you and her sister are obviously very important to her.

I think the whole women and children not attending funerals is just plain weird by the way. are you seriously not going to attend anyones funeral till your parents die? Very odd indeed.