I don't want to go this this "memorial" service

[whatever17]

I am 42, have never been to a funeral at all. My Dad believes that women and children should not attend funerals and I have gone along with that. I wanted my first funeral to be my parents.

Anyway, my best mate's sister has died. She died in USA - I only met her a couple of times. My mate made me phone her and send her flowers and gifts whilst she was dying.

I did it for my mate. Now she wants me to go to the memorial.

I don't want to, I didn't even know the woman.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I suspect that whatever17, having never attended a funeral before, is really out of her depth and doesn't know what the protocol is. I wouldn't either. :(

Is there somebody who knows what a memorial service would generally entail? Is there something that OP can/should be doing for her friend other than generally offering a supportive shoulder? Does one do a eulogy or is that just for funerals?

whatever17... Does your friend have any idea of what she wants the memorial to be like? I know it's difficult for you as you didn't know her sister, but you do know your friend.

[glastocat]

A palaver? FFS, her sister died! When y husband's sister died he and his family took great comfort from the people who turned out (in their hundreds) to show their respect and support. Sorry, but its not about you, you sound very selfish.

[AgentZigzag]

I don't know about anyone else working9while5, but I've been restrained because there might be posters on the thread who are really raw about funerals and they are difficult to deal with when they come up.

But as you've said it, I agree with what you've said, the OP saying her friend is a drama queen has said it all, no sympathy or compassion whatsoever.

[TheDuckSaysMoo]

Thanks Jajas.

OP - go if you can - for your friend not her sister. I there is one time you are allowed to make things into a 'palaver' [shudder] it is when you are arranging a memorial or funeral. She needs a friend now more than ever and the fact that she had to ask is very telling - she is asking for your to help her not to come on a jolly.

[Glitterknickaz]

[squeakytoy]

A memorial service is basically a funeral without a body.

There will probably be poems from certain people, a minister to conduct the service.

If my friend wanted me to accompany her to one, I would have no hesitation. This is all about being a friend!

[funeralquandry]

I went to a funeral last week for a girl that I had met just once. She was a very dear friend of my best friend and died suddenly after an anaesthetic that went horribly wrong.

She left two very young children and a husband - my friend has been fantastic and done so much to support the family. I went to the funeral and crematorium to help her, to support her and to hold on to her when she finally lost it .

I would have gone anywhere to be with her and she was eternally grateful to me - we have been best friends for 35 years and this example is possibly why....

[whatever17]

Have just spoken to Dad and asked about the "no women and children" and asked if it was because he was raised as a catholic or grew up as a Scot.

He says he grew up in SW Scotland as a Catholic and when his father died in 1962 there were no women at the graveside, although they were in the church - they then went back to make sandwiches.

At his brother's funeral in Ayr there were women at the graveside but my cousin was offered a "string" and said "that's a job for a man".

And in 1962 they wore headscarves in church.

He says that the key might be in the particular small Scottish (largely Irish immigrant) village they lived in.

[TheDuckSaysMoo]

Aah - if it is possibly a fear of the unknown as Lying suggests then I can only recommend OP to ask her friend what to expect - she should be talking to her frequently at the moment I would imagine. Memorials come in all shapes and sizes but it is likely to be OP's mere presence and hand holding that is required.

[funeralquandry]

It isn't 1962 and you are changing the subject

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Thank you Squeaky. Your post about your Mum's funeral sounded heartbreaking, so sorry. :(

whatever17... Go for your friend, stick by her side and do whatever she needs/wants, that's all you have to do. You have the 'advantage' in that you're not emotionally attached to her sister so you don't feel the loss. Your friend will appreciate that you're there for her.

[whatever17]

It isn't 1962 and I don't think I am changing the subject - I am interested in Dad's firmly held views. But he says he thinks it could have been their own tiny village in SW Scotland who did things that way.

[working9while5]

AgentZigZag I think when you're in the throes of grief that pain and rawness is always with you, part of you. But the feeling that no one gives a shit and that the world keeps on turning despite your agony is hard to stomach even in that so I don't think that an outright expression of apathy should be left unchallenged.

I have no sympathy for people's fear of the unknown when it comes to this type of stuff. We will all have to deal with it one day in one form or another and those bereaved in sad circumstances like the OP's friends didn't have the luxury of deciding whether or not they would go ahead with being bereaved because they were afraid of death, had other stuff on or didn't really want to have to think about it. They have no choice but to just get on with it and any friend worth anything realises that their job in this instance is supporting role, not main actor.

[FriedSpamButty]

Utterly speechless! I am still grateful to all those people, many of whom I didn't know who came to my Dad's funeral. I still remember standing at the graveside, looking round and seeing all everyone and just thinking that for such a quiet and shy man so very many people liked and respected him. It gave me, my DB and DM huge comfort then and still does now.

Good job that me and my DM weren't back at the pub unwrapping the buffet and waiting for the men folk to do the important business eh?

Here have my first ever

[glastocat]

Yes I agree, funerals and memorials are usually pretty horrible, but I only feel bad about the one I missed, when my friend's sister died after changing her insulin. I was living in London, the funeral was in Ireland, and I wish to this day I'd gone.

[whatever17]

LyingWitch - you are right - I will turn up. It just pisses me off that I know she is gathering about 20 people together who have never met her sister at all.

I think it is fake.

At my funeral I only want people who loved me, even if there is only 2 people there. That is what is bugging me.

[glastocat]

Hear hear working 9while 5 and FriedSpamButty. from me too, my first ever!

[AgentZigzag]

Fucking hell.

It's pissing you off and it's fake??

Hopefully your friend will see you for what you fucking are OP, I won't say what that is because it'd get me my first deleted post if I did.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

funeralquandry and MadamDeathstare... Thanks. I'm in the same position as the OP, i've never been to a funeral or a memorial. I'd go though, certainly to support a friend or a colleague.

I've often wondered... is there an ettiquette for work colleagues? I used to work in a council department and in the years I was there, a few colleagues died. There wasn't anything organised via work and the funerals seemed to be more family affairs, which I completely understand but I just wondered whether it's the done thing to attend or not, if you didn't know the colleague well?

I'm mortified at the thought of doing the 'wrong thing' when it comes to bereavements and upsetting the families but by the same token, I'd hate to not attend a funeral and have the family wonder whether anybody other than them cared. Does anybody understand what I mean?

[glastocat]

Whatever have you actually read the thread? What have you got to say about everyone saying that your friend is asking for your support? I'm horrified that you aren't getting this.

[CookieRookie]

Why are you pretending to be this womans friend? You're clearly not

The best thing to do is end your so called friendship instead of making such a palaver out of someone elses grief.

You're calling her a drama queen?!!!

[Clytaemnestra]

So, maybe your friend wants to mark this dreadful event for her in the best way that she knows how and, being that she is an expat, she can't gather people who knew her sister well, so she's trying to gather people so that she can give her sister some kind of send off.

Your whole excuse about your dad says you can't go is utterly invalid anyway because no one is asking you to be at a graveside. There won't even BE a graveside. So really that's no excuse at all.

You sound like you have no respect for your friend anyway, since you think she is using her sister's recent death as an excuse for a MeMeMe party. If I was your friend, and I knew how you really felt, I'd want nothing more to do with you.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

whatever17... Have you ever lost somebody you cared about? I only lost family when I was very young, which is why I haven't been to a funeral, I've been lucky.

I can put myself in your friend's shoes... if I lost one of my brothers, I'd be bereft, beside myself and probably unable to think straight. If I had a friend who was willing to be there for me, even if she didn't know my brother, I'd be really grateful not to have to go through it alone.

That's what your friend feels like... it's not fake, her grief is real - and she needs you, that's not fake either. Go with good grace and love for your friend.