Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to go this this "memorial" service

187 replies

whatever17 · 17/05/2011 22:30

I am 42, have never been to a funeral at all. My Dad believes that women and children should not attend funerals and I have gone along with that. I wanted my first funeral to be my parents.

Anyway, my best mate's sister has died. She died in USA - I only met her a couple of times. My mate made me phone her and send her flowers and gifts whilst she was dying.

I did it for my mate. Now she wants me to go to the memorial.

I don't want to, I didn't even know the woman.

OP posts:
Bluemoonrising · 17/05/2011 23:00

I'm scottish, and it does happen here. I wasn't allowed to my grandmothers funeral when I was 15. I was in my 30's for the first funeral I went to.

The no women graveside thing is less common now as it was, but there is still the old school that think thats still how it should be.

AgentZigzag · 17/05/2011 23:00

I think it's taken that because nobody wants to be at a funeral, it's not seen as being hypocritical.

If it's not someone close to you, it's supporting the people who are finding it incredibly difficult to get through.

It is difficult because you're not obliged to be there and are thinking of ways to not have to do such a hard thing.

But your friend will look back on this time and know what you've done for her.

Vallhala · 17/05/2011 23:00

Sorry OP, I was thinking funeral, not memorial. I DID read your post but am tired and was a dope.

I can see why your pal would appreciate your support and if I were you would give it willingly. Likewise I know that my best pal would be there for me if I asked him to comfort and support me at the memorial of one of my family.

You won;t be a hypocrite. Sure, you barely knew her siister... but it isn;t her sister you are giving the support and comfort to, it's your friend. There's nothing hypocritical about saying or inferring to a best friend that you sympathise with her in her grief and are there to show that you care about her and that she has someone to rely upon.

Loonytoonie · 17/05/2011 23:00

Not properly read through, but in parts of wales - certainly outside of city areas, there are those that still believe that funerals are a men only affair. My father (73) was part of that generation and even though he doesn't enforce it, he often goes along alone.

That said, it is a generational thing so certainly one that is dying out. Certainly not unheard of.

OP, funerals are unavoidable. They're traumatic, often upsetting and emotional and a rite of passage. But, as others have said, this one isn't about your feelings. It's not your grief, it's your friends grief and by avoiding it, you will most certainly hurt her. Hurting her like this, in my very humble opinion, is unforgivable.

It depends what's most important to you. I know I'd walk over hot coals for my close friend.

annh · 17/05/2011 23:02

Then I think you are being very unreasonable not to go to the memorial service. Presumably your friend will only have her friends at the service here and not any of her family? Did she get to go to the cremation in the US? The only way I would think you were not being unreasonable is if it turns out that the memorial service is, in fact, IN the US as well!

DontGoCurly · 17/05/2011 23:03

I don't know what Low Church Scottish is!

But look, you don't have to feel like a hypocrite at all. Just go along out of respect for your friend. It was nice of you to phone and send the dog pictures that gave the lady pleasure in her last days.

All you have to do is forget about yourself and concentrate on your friend.

troisgarcons · 17/05/2011 23:04

I am 42, have never been to a funeral at all. My Dad believes that women and children should not attend funerals and I have gone along with that. I wanted my first funeral to be my parents.

Wryly amused ... do you lose your gender when your parents die?

My first funeral was when my mother died when I was pregnant; an hideous experience retrospectively. Subsequently I've taken my chidren to funeral s since they were toddlers so they aren't so 'shocked' when we die.

I have to say I do prefer a funeral to a wedding - same people and no crap music.

animula · 17/05/2011 23:04

Thank you. I was asking because I was wondering why she wanted you to come. Is it because there are not going to be so many people at the memorial? And not many she knows?

I'm guessing it's going to be a very small memorial. Is that right?

Well, I think a memorial isn;t anything like a funeral, and they take very many different shapes. Some are quite lively affairs, with people doing readings, and slide-show, and jolly. Others I'v e been to are very small and intimate.

I will say honestly I would feel a bit odd about attending the latter type if it was someone I didn't know but not so awkward if it was in the capacity of supporting a friend.

But it sounds as though you have made up your mind to go (in the role of supporting friend).

Hope it's OK.

Loonytoonie · 17/05/2011 23:04

Meant to add, when I lost my step-dad two years ago, my best friend and her husband went to his funeral. They'd met him just a handful of times, but the fact that they were there, the fact that they'd stopped their regular lives for me and for my step-dad, the fact that they'd put things on hold and put my grief first, meant everything to me. I'll always remember it and it brings me comfort.

Original poster
whatever17 · 17/05/2011 23:07

I guess I am just really scared.

My parents are 78 and 79 and, like most parents, I am terrified of anything happening to my kids.

I will go to support my friend - but I can't say I am not ambivalent about it. I did not know the woman and I do not feel it is appropriate to say "goodbye" - she was cremated in the US 2 months ago.

This is really mean but I feel my friend is just making a palaver for HERSELF - not her sister.

OP posts:
glastocat · 17/05/2011 23:07

I'm Irish. When my husband's sister died people came from all over the country (and other countries), men women and children. They came to support the family. She was a student, and her university sent over a bus load who were fed and watered by the whole rural community. It was thought of as a wonderful thing that they cared so much to come. My folks travelled 300 miles to attend, even though they had only met her once at my wedding. At the removal I stood up with my husband's family while the entire village filed by to shake our hands and pay our respects. No-one wanted to be there, she was only 21 and had died in a drowning accident. But we did it because the family drew strength from our presence. So YABVU, your friend wants you there and you should go.

glastocat · 17/05/2011 23:09

And we were living in London when she died. Our local pub sent a wreath, and we were very touched that they thought of us. When my father died two years ago I got many lovely letters and phone calls. they meant the world to me at a difficult time.

Jajas · 17/05/2011 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jajas · 17/05/2011 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheDuckSaysMoo · 17/05/2011 23:10

Men only certainly used to be a tradition for Scottish Presbytarians (sp?) but I think this has changed in the last 10-15 years.

OP - when my father and brother died I was humbled by the number of my friends who attended the funeral to support me and my family. It hadn't even crossed my mind that they would attend the funeral of people they hadn't even met and it probably would never have crossed my mind to have done the same for them - my mind just doesn't work that way. It was incredibly touching and I cherish their support then and always. It made a huge difference to my ability to cope. I would drop everything now to go be with any of them whether they asked or not.

However traveling to the US may be prohibitive in terms of cost or time. If it is impractical for you I am sure your friend will understand as long as you support her in all the ways that you practically can.

AgentZigzag · 17/05/2011 23:10

Oh, that's a really horrible thing to say about your friend whatever17.

A palaver??

It's to remember her sister, who's died!

I feel really sorry for your friend to have you thinking about her like this.

Jajas · 17/05/2011 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

working9while5 · 17/05/2011 23:11

It is NOT about you!

You are not saying goodbye to her. Funerals and memorials are about supporting families and friends through their grief. Here's a clue: the person who has been cremated/is in the box can't hear or see you. It's not that difficult.

Life is hard. Death is part of life. Being adult involves having to do things that aren't always lovely and nice and sunshiney. Get a grip. What would you do if it was a friend's child or husband?

I am amazed that you have been let off so lightly on this one. I have never seen such outright selfishness on an AIBU thread go so unchallenged.

Jajas · 17/05/2011 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 17/05/2011 23:12

Whatever, the "palaver" is probably your friends way of dealing with losing her sister. You have been very fortunate not to have to deal with losing a close relative. Its horrible, believe me. Please dont "save" yourself for your parents' funerals, trust me on that.

I had been to a few funerals before my mothers, so I knew what the procedure was. I was still being held up by my husband and best friend because the enormity of it was so overwhelming and my knees were literally giving way beneath me.

working9while5 · 17/05/2011 23:13

Jesus! A palaver! How did I miss that?

With friends like you, who would need an enemy?

Jajas · 17/05/2011 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

working9while5 · 17/05/2011 23:15

Actually, do you know what? There's no way that you should go to this memorial. You don't give a shit about your "friend", it's obvious from the tone and content of your posts. At least if you don't go she will see that and may have the opportunity in the future to avoid friendships as toxic as ones that will see her most profound grief described as a "palaver".

Karma, whatever17. Think about it. Where's yours in this?

heleninahandcart · 17/05/2011 23:16

Your friend is entitled to make a 'palaver'. Her sister died. She is your best mate and she clearly wants and needs you there. This is about supporting your friend.

CookieRookie · 17/05/2011 23:17

What Working said.