I don't want to go this this "memorial" service

[whatever17]

I am 42, have never been to a funeral at all. My Dad believes that women and children should not attend funerals and I have gone along with that. I wanted my first funeral to be my parents.

Anyway, my best mate's sister has died. She died in USA - I only met her a couple of times. My mate made me phone her and send her flowers and gifts whilst she was dying.

I did it for my mate. Now she wants me to go to the memorial.

I don't want to, I didn't even know the woman.

OP, 'However, I don't get it that she is making people who are her friends go to her sister's memorial.'. Er, perhaps because she needs the people who are her friends to provide support.

You refer to her grief and need for support as 'weird'. You think the memorial service is a 'palaver'. You believe that her grief is 'fake'?

Sorry, but this really angers me. My mother lost her brother at a very young age, 35 years ago. She still mourns. She relied on many friends at the time, as her immediate family were torn apart by grief.

My father has lost three siblings. The last of which being his brother, last year. My uncle passed away horribly, and my father and some of his brothers and sisters were there to witness it. They were traumatised. My uncle had lived abroad for over 40 years, his funeral took place in the country where he had lived, where his wife and children lived. We had a memorial service here, for him. So many people, who had lived down the road from their family 40 years ago; who had never met him, but knew members of his extended family; who were schoolmates of his decades ago, showed up to the memorial service. My friend's husband's father was there, because we had met at several weddings/parties, and he knew it was important to my family and I. My father and his family took huge comfort in the fact that so many people showed up to pay respects to their brother.

In short, if you care about your friend at all, you will be there to support her. You will also stop insinuating that she is using her sister's death to garner sympathy or gain attention. That is nasty.

Funerals are awful, nobody can dispute that. I, at 26, have sadly attended the funerals of 4 friends. All were painful. However, I attended them, as it is respectful, and a chance to say goodbye. This memorial service will not be terribly painful for you, as you freely admit that it is not a close friend of yours who has passed. So, go, be there for your friend, and please swallow your nasty thoughts regarding this being 'weird' and a 'palaver'.

Thanks Salmotrutta the OP seems to have disappeared. Funny that!? Probably something to do with no one agreeing with her.....

And OP before you return and and post about how we all should know better etc etc please read all the posts here first. You might learn something.

Also what springydaffs and MadameDeathstare said above, as they were far more eloquent than I could hope to be, with my rambling post.

In Cornwall women traditionally didn't attend funerals either. I was shocked to hear that my Dad attended the funeral of a dear friend for over fifty years of my Mum's family and she didn't. However, nothing would have stopped me attending my Gramp's funeral (I was in my thirties and I lived in France at the time). I needed to be there to support my mum.

OP, don't be scared and don't let your "this is taking over my life" pissed-offedness with your friend steer you away from what you really ought to be doing. Go with good grace, you may not have the chance to really be such a good friend to her again, and she needs you. Imagine how crap you'll feel if you let her down over this one.

As to the gathering of friends who didn't know your friend's sister...hopefully they will all be able to join you in supporting her in what must be a very difficult time. Does it matter if she seems to be overreacting to you? Don't think there are rules about how grief affects people. If this helps her then good. Stuff like this isn't always convenient or timely...but the way in which you deal with it helps shape the person you are.

mamandeouisti - excellent post.

I don't understand why the OP keeps going on about not attending funerals and her father's belief. Her dather has said that the women came to the church, just not the graveside. There's no graveside in a memorial service. Even by her father's beliefs, it would be totally appropriate to go to this memorial service. The whole father/tradition thing is a complete red herring and the real issue is: the OP doesn't want to go to a memorial for someone she didn't know well, to support her friend.

Dear God! Sorry, but this is one of the most selfish OPs I've ever come across.

Your best friends sister is DEAD and you are being a judgey prima donna because the people who she is asking to support her in her bereavement were not sufficiently well aquainted with said sister to meet your exacting standards.

Get over yourself, ffs.

From a purely practical POV I am suprised people think you should go to a funeral on another continant for someone who wasn't a close personal friend or family member. I would likely not be able to go for someone I actually cared about

My father died last year and, as a truly wonderful and amazingly popular man, had an enormous amount of people at his funeral. I was really pleased that among those who made the effort to come were four of my closest friends. They wanted to show their respects to a man precious to me (although they had only met him a handful of times at most) and they wanted to be there to support me. I don't think that is odd. They are my friends. I would do the same for them. It comes of being a nice and compassionate person. You, on the other hand, sound pretty horrific. I feel very sorry for anyone calling themselves your best friend if this is the way you conduct yourself when they need you.

Your father is very odd thinking women and children should not attend funerals, I think your problem is not not wanting to go to the service it is the misogynist you have for a father . Your 42, its time to grow up

Having read some more of this i have to say OP you are a nasty childish bitch

I am sure your friend would also prefer not to be in the position of having to go to a memorial service for her sister! yabvu.

OP I have just read the whole thread and it is obvious you have never lost anyone who is close to you. I think you probably don't have any real idea of what it feels like to lose a close relative like a sister - and the fact that she died young just makes it worse.

When people suffer a bereavement like this they are literally devastated. They can't think straight, can become focussed or even obsessed about some things and every day can be a struggle. And 2 months is a very short space of time in this journey.

Okay you think a memorial service filled with people who didn't know her sister seems wierd. Maybe your friend would even agree with this thought if she hadn't lost her sister. But she won't be thinking normally at the moment.

Support her in doing whatever she needs to do to honour her sister and get through this terrible time. And believe me, you will understand her a whole lot better when someone very close to you dies.

By the way, with the porter signing the memorial book - staff in a hospital can have a lot to do with patients and can genuinely care about them. A porter could have spoke to your friends sister every day and they may have genuinely got on well together and liked each other. So he would have been genuinely sad at her dying. But he wouldn't write Mr x in the book as the family wouldn't have an idea of who this was, but would instead write the porter. It doesn't mean that his feelings weren't genuine.

I have known 2 people who worked in hospitals as cleaners, who still talk about the death of one or two patients who they hit it off with who died over 20 years ago. Their regret at the person's death is genuine.

My Dad believes that women and children should not attend funerals and I have gone along with that. I wanted my first funeral to be my parents.

You are 42 yrs and you think something because your father thinks it?! I spend my time telling people that a child is not a possession and there is no earlthy reason why their child should think the same merely because they gave birth-but you have proved me wrong!

You are extremely lucky to have got to 42 without a close person dying. I have been to funerals of very young people-a bit tough if I had to say -I can't go my father doesn't believe in it and I am waiting for him to die because he needs to be my first funeral! Mad!

Sensible post, lesley. OP seems to be denying death. It is the one sure thing that will come to everyone-death and taxes!

THere are very few threads on here that have made me as angry as this one.
How dare you hide behind your father's opinions OP? You are 42 and your friend needs you. She has suffered a terrible bereavement and she asked you to help her and you've just paid lip servce to it and then bad mouthed her behind her back.
How dare you behave like this? How can you not understand what an awful situation she is in. Are you totally without compassion?
Funerals are part of life. We all have to face them and to bleat on about not knowing the person and thinking it's a 'palaver' is so unspeakably cowardly.

I admit I'm raw on this subject. I've been to 7 heartbreaking funerals in the last 18 months and one was my dear bil. My sister is a widow at 31 and his funeral was an amazing occasion attended by 100s of people. They didn't all know him very well but they came out of respect and affection for her as well as him. That's what decent people do.

It made me very angry too Northernlurker-not only that- profoundly upsetting, having lost people close to me who were very young. I was glad of support. I also think that death is a huge part of life and shouldn't be hidden away.
What will OP do if her DC or DH dies before her parents? Quite possible.

I am also appalled that having told people that their adult DC will make up their own mind and not hold a view 'because Mummy says so' that we have a 42 yr old saying 'my father thinks'-at 42 why does it matter what your father thinks?!!

I cannot believe you are 42 and still hold such immature thoughts.

As many others have already said, this memorial service is for your friend and her family.

Put yourself in your friend's shoes, if just for a moment.

She has lost somebody she loves. She wants to be able to mourn for her. She is raw and hurting and sad. She needs people who love and care for her, to be there to help her through this time.

I am sure she is grateful for the help you've already given (although I'm also sure that, if she read this thread, she would be devastated to read your honest thoughts). One more hour of your time is all you may need to give. You have said you're going, but you haven't sounded like you're doing it out of any sense of compassion.

This practice of women not attending at the graveside died out years ago, I thought?! My grandmother died before I was born, and my Mum was 'advised' not to go to the graveside, but she said no-one was stopping her being there when they buried her mother. This was in Scotland, in 1969, but times change.

I too have been to funerals of people I didn't really know - the husband of a colleague, the parent of a friend, etc., and you do that to support the living. The dead are dead, and know nothing about it (in my belief), so you are going to support those left behind. Having recently lost my dear Uncle, it was a bit of a comfort to have a full church, and people coming up to us to tell us stories about him, etc. Some of these were customers of his, or schoolfriends from 60 years ago.

Maybe you should re-think?

And fwiw, I went to a funeral of a dear family friend in SW Scotland a couple of years back. Not only was I at the graveside, but I was also asked if I would be one of those who lowered the coffin into the grave. I was touched beyond belief to have been honoured with that. It was so very, very difficult (emotionally) to do, but it was what his wife and grown-up children wanted, and so I did it for them (and partly for myself). :(

I think you are very, very fortunate not to have come across more funerals in your life. I and many others on here haven't been so fortunate.

me me me me me me me. 'I don't want to go to any funerals before those of my parents?' In that case, better not make any friends or have any family until your parents die, because believe it or not, some of them may be inconsiderate enough to die on you. And then you will be forced to go to their funerals - what inconsiderate prima donnas eh

whatever you state that you have never been to a funeral and you still have your parents. (Are you saying that no one you care about has died or that they have but you didnt bother going to their funerals?)

So you have no experience.

So you do not know how important it can be to bereaved families to have other acknowledge their loss.

You friend wants you there because she needs your support.
You dont want to go because you have some sort of weird rule that the first funeral you go to is your parents.

You need to stop thinking about yourself.
You sound incredibly selfish and selfcentered but I can only go by what you are posting.
Based on your posts I am suprised you have any friends let alone ones that would particularly like you around in a time of need.

You are annoyed at you friend for asking you to put yourself out. He sister is DEAD. She is grieving and all you can think about is your weird little funeral schedule being put out of sync.

Its not even a funeral, its a memorial.

As for traditions - round my way its traditional for friends to rally round and support bereaved families.

This isnt real though is it? You have made this up.

I asked a lot of my friends when my DD died. I can think of four in particular and one of them was with me always.

She came to the registrar to register her death
She came to the undertakers to help me plan the funeral
She came shopping with me to choose shoes for DD to wear for her funeral.

Never ever once did she moan or even show how distressing it was for her.

All my 'girls' came with me to pick up DD's ashes. Then they came to woolworths with me for a bit of shop. We took the ashes with us and they didnt bat an eyelid.

Because they are FRIENDS. Real ones. The one who did everything with me hardly knew me before DD's illness. She is the mother of DD's best friend.

You are a moaning, selfish nightmare.

When you do lose someone you love, and you will. You will look back at this time and cringe. Only then will your realise just how rubbish a friend you are.

I have never read such utter crap.

You are being incredibly selfish, OP. The dead sister won't be at the memorial service - your friend will and it is your friend who wants you there.

However, given that you appear to think her behaviour is "fake" you might be better off not going as I have grave doubts that you will be able to offer the needed support without a hint of a sneer.

I am honestly shocked that you would think that the need for support by someone over a sibling's death is "fake". We lost one of my DP's uncles in his late 50s recently and there was nothing fake about the grief of any of his siblings or extended family. I don't think this woman is really your friend or you would not be talking about her in this way.