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AIBU?

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Original poster

I don't want to go this this "memorial" service

187 replies

whatever17 · 17/05/2011 22:30

I am 42, have never been to a funeral at all. My Dad believes that women and children should not attend funerals and I have gone along with that. I wanted my first funeral to be my parents.

Anyway, my best mate's sister has died. She died in USA - I only met her a couple of times. My mate made me phone her and send her flowers and gifts whilst she was dying.

I did it for my mate. Now she wants me to go to the memorial.

I don't want to, I didn't even know the woman.

OP posts:
Shakirasma · 18/05/2011 09:14

Not read the whole thing so apologies if I am repeating.

Funerals and memorials or not for the benefit if the dead, they are gone! They are for the benefit if the bereaved.

They ae also emotionally straining. Your friend is crying out for your support. You should go for her, after all support is what friends are for.

I think you feelings towards such things are a bit warped due to your dads strange attitude.

chibi · 18/05/2011 09:23

My parents live on a farawary continent and when they die i will have to find a large acnount of money pretty instantaneously to attend their funerals, which i will of course do as best as i can

I don't know that i would be able to afford to do the same let alone get time off work to be able to attend the funeral of someone i did not know

Is my situation really that unusual, are most people sitting on spare thousands of pounds and have really really understanding employers?

thefirstMrsDeVere · 18/05/2011 09:27

It isnt a funeral Chibi, its a memorial service and its in this country.

A day's annual leave and a few quid should cover it.

QuintessentialOldMoo · 18/05/2011 09:28

Go with your friend, and support her at her dead sisters memorial. For her. BE a friend.

chibi · 18/05/2011 09:31

Whoops

Well in that case what everyone else said

If you are her friend you will go and not even hint at having dithered over it

ninipops · 18/05/2011 09:33

Not read the whole thread but definitely not an Irish thing - everyone goes to funerals in Ireland even if you barely knew the person. First funeral I remember going to was my granny's and I was only about 4.

mamandeouisti · 18/05/2011 10:09

lesley33 what a reasoned and sensitive post. If OP still needed convincing after all this...then I think your guide really will help.

DrGruntFotter · 18/05/2011 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 18/05/2011 10:10

Have you ever heard of the word empathy? It is clear you have not lost anyone close to you. I suggest you read about grief as you clearly have no clue what she is going through, although I have to say you don't sound very interested.

I'm glad you are not my friend.

emmanumber3 · 18/05/2011 10:16

Just go for your friend's sake can't you? Don't you ever do anything you don't want to do?

IMO you are coming across as incredibly selfish. Put your friend's wishes first for now, not your own.

boohoohoo · 18/05/2011 10:19

Will you expect your friend to be there for you when the time comes that you need support?

To be honest your not much of a friend are you, friends support each other with a happy heart, unfortunately from what you have written it doesn't appear that you have, you seem only to be looking at yourself. If you were such a close friend you would know her sister through her. Ive never met one of my friends sister but feel I know her anyway through my friends chat etc.

DrGruntFotter · 18/05/2011 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

exoticfruits · 18/05/2011 10:41

All those who think they can tell their DC what to think should read the thread-this is what happens when people don't think for themselves and stick with the childish 'my father thinks.....' Usually people get to the point where they think-'maybe mummy isn't right' (hopefully before 42 yrs!)

Lovecat · 18/05/2011 11:15

I really hope this thread is a wind up. Because I would hate to think that your poor friend is relying on you for support while you're slagging her on here and doubting her grief.

I've just had a conversation with my best friend this morning where she was nearly crying apologising because she can't be there for me at my Dad's funeral, because she's having (long-awaited and necessary) surgery that day. She saw what my dad was like throughout our growing up together and didn't like him at all. She knows that I didn't particularly love my father at times. But she wanted to be there for me. That's what friends do.

You are not a friend to this woman and at 42 to hide behind 'that's what my father believes' is quite frankly staggering. Angry

aldiwhore · 18/05/2011 11:18

I've been to funerals where I've not known the deceased but have known the living, I went for them, to support them at such a difficult time. The dead don't know you're not there, but the living will need you.

OP I think you should grow up, and you're older than me, I do think you're being selfish, go for your friend, she will need your support. She's just lost a sister ffs.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 18/05/2011 11:20

I have been to a funeral in Ireland where none of us knew the deceased. That was my Mil's fault, though. The funerals I have been to of people I do know in Ireland have always welcomed everyone, from tiny babies to elderly neighbours.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2011 11:22

exoticfruits... I saw your earlier posts and was a bit nonplussed really. I don't know what it is you think you do, but children are generally influenced by a range of factors, people and environments. Mostly they start thinking for themselves when they're ready to question things. I don't know any parents who don't encourage free-thinking of a child, notwithstanding that children still have to do as they're told about certain things.

Just because OP has a wobble about this particular subject, taking her father's view, doesn't mean that she doesn't think for herself on any other.

Your persistent point about 'maybe mummy isn't right' rings very weird alarm bells for me... Confused

exoticfruits · 18/05/2011 14:51

I'm sorry it is my hobby horse! Grin I get so fed up with 'I am an atheist and I don't want anyone to tell my DC about God, or I am a Christian and I want my DC to be surrounded only by Christians, or I am a vegetarian and my DC will be a vegetarian' etc etc.
My argument is that the DC is merely the DC of an atheist, Christian, Conservative supporter, vegetarian etc and they will make up their own mind, once they get to about 8yrs old and that no adults have beliefs 'because the parent says so'.
I was nonplussed to have a 42yr old who thinks something because her father holds that belief.

Sorry-it detracts from the thread, so I should have got off my hobby horse and left it out.

It is however a good example of being completely brainwashed by a parent-so much so that empathy goes out of the window.
'Young people must die quietly and not involve OP as she is waiting to go to a parent's funeral as her first.'Hmm

QualiaQuale · 18/05/2011 15:00

So basically OP's first and subsequent posts can be summed up as :

"me me me me me...bollocks bollocks..me me me me...random history lesson..me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me"

Hmm
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2011 15:07

Ah right, I'm with you now, exoticfruits. Parents do influence, certainly. As a parent, I think it's important to not impose normal lifestyle choices and beliefs on DCs in terms of leaving a permanent imprint on their later life decisions.

I think the poster who mentioned 'red herring' earlier is probably right in terms of this thread. Confused

LadyBeagleEyes · 18/05/2011 15:23

My own sister died very suddenly last year, myself and my other sister had to organise everything as we were her closest family.
We live over 200 miles away from where she lived, and if it hadn't been for the help and kindness of her work colleague and friends we would have literally fallen apart from the grief of it all.
My lovely (pregnant) niece, came all the way from London (we're in Scotland) with her partner who had never met her but came to support.
I have been to funerals just to support friends, even though I haven't known the person who has died very well.
I'm so glad I didn't have a friend like you during that time.
Your friend has lost a beloved sister, where's your empathy?

penguin73 · 18/05/2011 16:35

You're right, you are mean. I can't imagine talking about anyone I know who has been recently bereaved in this way, never mind a supposed best friend - show her this thread and let her see what her 'best' friend is truly like.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 18/05/2011 16:45

OK I skimmed when I got to 'pissed off' and 'fake' Hmm. Firstly, Irish Catholic with a good helping of Scottish here and the no women at funerals is nothing to do with that. Every bugger goes to funerals. So whatever weirdness your parents have about funerals is down to themselves and no one else. Which would normally be no one else's business but on this occasion you're using it to hide behind and to excuse yourself being just about the worst friend possible. Do your friend a favour and grow the fuck up. It's pathetic to hear a grown woman taking like you. Fear is one thing, but you're using it as an excuse to slag off your grieving friend. She must consider herself lucky to have you... Hmm

feelingafailure · 29/05/2011 08:21

perhaps you should go.its not about your dads beliefs its yours .think of your friend.be happy u could support her.you must be emotionaly stiffeld.

lettinggo · 29/05/2011 09:28

I haven't read through the thread here so forgive any repition. I'm Irish and there's absolutely NOTHING Irish about your dad's "no women and children" attitude to funerals. Here in Ireland, and especially in rural areas, everyone who knew either the deceased or any member of the deceased's family would attend the funeral. Funerals here are big.

I think your attitude stinks. Your friend wants you there to support her after the loss of her sister. You describe yourself in your OP as her "best mate". Well then, regardless of your own feelings about funerals (and at 42 your father should no longer be doing your thinking for you), you should just suck it up and be a friend.