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AIBU?

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Original poster

I don't want to go this this "memorial" service

187 replies

whatever17 · 17/05/2011 22:30

I am 42, have never been to a funeral at all. My Dad believes that women and children should not attend funerals and I have gone along with that. I wanted my first funeral to be my parents.

Anyway, my best mate's sister has died. She died in USA - I only met her a couple of times. My mate made me phone her and send her flowers and gifts whilst she was dying.

I did it for my mate. Now she wants me to go to the memorial.

I don't want to, I didn't even know the woman.

OP posts:
Hassled · 17/05/2011 22:48

It isn't about you. It doesn't matter whether you want to go - that's completely irrelevant. You have to go to support your friend because otherwise - well, you're a shite friend. Her sister is dead and she needs support - just give it to her. She doesn't have to be rational, it doesn't matter that you met the sister twice and the janitor signed a book - just be there for her. That's what friends do.

femalevictormeldrew · 17/05/2011 22:50

I am Irish and have never heard of it?

ClipArt · 17/05/2011 22:50

Go to support your friend. You really only have to spend a very short time doing this and she will appreciate it.

penguin73 · 17/05/2011 22:50

Tradition aside if your friend needs you there is that not reason enough to go? Very few people go to funerals because they want to but because of a sense of duty and it feeling the right thing to do, either for the deceased or the family left behind.

amistillsexy · 17/05/2011 22:50

I'm with hassled on this. Well put.

IMO if the janitor signed the memorial book it shows she was well loved, and that's a good thing, surely?

muminthecity · 17/05/2011 22:51

No one in their right mind looks forward to going to a funeral Hmm

We do it out of respect for the person who died and/or in your case to support the bereaved. I've been to 3 funerals in my life, they were all fucking awful and not something I wanted to do, but I'm glad I did because I'd feel a whole lot worse if I hadn't bothered.

working9while5 · 17/05/2011 22:52

I am Irish and I have never heard of it either. Funerals are for whole communities in Ireland.

K999 · 17/05/2011 22:52

I'm Scottish and ive never heard of this tradition. My first funeral was when I was 6.

MadamDeathstare · 17/05/2011 22:53

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working9while5 · 17/05/2011 22:53

She will never forgive you if you don't go. Seriously, grow UP. It is the tradition in many cultures for people to attend funerals/memorials for people out of respect for the mourners. I honestly can't believe the self-centred nature of your post.

AnnieBesant · 17/05/2011 22:53

The only time my irish relatives come over is for funerals.

This isn't a graveside is it? What if a friend of yours died before your parents?

Original poster
whatever17 · 17/05/2011 22:53

DontGoCurly - I met my mate's sister 3 times. But, I think her life was so empty at the end that my mate wanted ANYONE to ring her in her care home. I did so and sent her pictures of my new dog (she was doggy) and pictures of my kids - and apparently she had them plastered over her walls.

I will go to the memorial, for my mate, but I feel like a hypocrite.

DontGoCurly - maybe it's one of those Low Church Scottish things? Mum and Dad are Scots of very recent Irish extraction. I certainly know that they both believe no women and children should be at the graveside.

OP posts:
Jajas · 17/05/2011 22:55

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ithaka · 17/05/2011 22:55

I am Scottish and (sadly) have been to too many funerals - never heard of women not attending? Funerals are for the living as much as the dead - you would be supporting your friend.

CookieRookie · 17/05/2011 22:55

I'm Irish, it's not something I've ever heard of.

It's not a funeral anyway, it's a memorial service and I think you should consider going to support your friend.

MadamDeathstare · 17/05/2011 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pancakeflipper · 17/05/2011 22:55

You wouldn't be attending this service for the sister but for your best friend. She will need support and you are one of her best friends.

It a sounds a little odd - probably just the reference to how your friend 'made' you do things. Didn't you want to do them at all?

Well done on avoiding services like this for so long but I think you may have to a funeral or memorial at some point in life.

working9while5 · 17/05/2011 22:56

And why is memorial in brackets? It sounds like you mean it as Hmm.

Why do you feel like a hypocrite? I don't get it. Your BEST friend's sister has died. You had some contact with her in the bleakest hours of the end of her life that was obviously meaningful to her and yet you write about it here as though it was a bit pathetic of her to value it! Christ! Are you made of stone? This young woman has lost her life!

annh · 17/05/2011 22:56

This is definitely not an Irish thing. I think I spent half my childhood at funerals in rural Ireland. They were social occasions, sad yes but also a chance for family to catch up, renew acquaintance etc. I also think you shouldn't discount the fact that lots of people signed the memorial book in the US. Johnny, the janitor from the 3rd floor may have been genuinely sad that the woman died, close family don't have a moratorium on grief, you know.

femalevictormeldrew · 17/05/2011 22:58

Just wanted to add (and I don't mean this in a nasty way) - if you don't go, you could possibly lose your best friend, because I know I would find it very hard to get over a friend letting me down over an important thing like this.

squeakytoy · 17/05/2011 22:58

I didnt go to a funeral until I was 18. My grandparents died before I was 8, and there were no other family deaths in the next ten years.

I dont believe in young children going to funerals so I have no problem with being kept away from my grandparents funerals anyway.

I have unfortunately been to plenty since then. :(

I am very surprised that someone can get to the same age as me (42) and not have been to a funeral!

CookieRookie · 17/05/2011 22:58

I'm not getting this Hmm Have I missed a post? I didn't think there was a graveside and anyway even if so can't you just go to the service?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 17/05/2011 22:58

You may not have met your bf's sister but maybe your bf had told her sister a lot about you, and asking you to have a few words with her gave your bf some solace for the fact that you would never meet?

You're not being asked to go to funeral or to stand at graveside; you've been asked to attend a memorial service which may be for someone you never met, but of course you should go both out of respect and to support, your best friend.

Original poster
whatever17 · 17/05/2011 22:59

animula

the dead sister is a US national and was cremated in the US. My friend is American and has been here for about 20 years.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 17/05/2011 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.