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AIBU?

I don't want to go this this "memorial" service

187 replies

whatever17 · 17/05/2011 22:30

I am 42, have never been to a funeral at all. My Dad believes that women and children should not attend funerals and I have gone along with that. I wanted my first funeral to be my parents.

Anyway, my best mate's sister has died. She died in USA - I only met her a couple of times. My mate made me phone her and send her flowers and gifts whilst she was dying.

I did it for my mate. Now she wants me to go to the memorial.

I don't want to, I didn't even know the woman.

OP posts:

Report

AmyStake · 17/05/2011 23:48

Your poor, poor friend. Grow up.

FriedSpamButty · 17/05/2011 23:52

Agreed glastocat. I've been to funerals to support friends who are mourning a parent or grandparent just to support my friends. I don't have to have met the parent or grandparent. I'm there for my friends - and they have done the same for me.

Anyone accusing me of making a palaver out of my Dad's funeral or all of my Grandparents would have stopped being a friend from that moment on.

And think on OP. You might just need your friends in the future. You know, when you might be making a palaver out of things?

ChippingIn · 17/05/2011 23:57

You are not her friend. You should just be honest and tell her that. Let her grieve your friendship at the same time she's grieving the loss of her sister. You are so far up your own backside it's not funny - and nasty with it.

squeakytoy · 17/05/2011 23:58

I think it is fake

It is not fake. It is for your friend. It is for HER benefit. She wants to do something in memory of her sister.

Funerals are for those left behind, and your friend is grieving the loss of her sister, she needs support from her friends. I honestly think, the way you feel, you are no real friend to her.

Jajas · 18/05/2011 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onlyjoking9329 · 18/05/2011 00:05

If any of my friends hadn't come to my husbands funeral then they wouldn't be true friends. They came to show their respect and support me and our children.
It sounds to me that you don't really care for you're friends feelings in all of this.
Why is that?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2011 00:06

Thanks Jajas... If I get the opportunity again, I'll definitely go since it's not deemed to be imposing. Death seems such a taboo subject, we never discussed it when I was a child and it sort of went on from there.

MardyBra · 18/05/2011 00:08

OP, I've only skim read the thread so apologies if I'm being too direct. As I see it, you are being asked to go to a memorial service to support a friend. End of. It's a couple of hours of your time. And no big deal.

Have a look at this thread if you want to see what it is to be truly brave

glastocat · 18/05/2011 00:08

I have been thinking about this thread and I think the OP shoudn't go. If she can't find any empathy in her heart for her friend, as evidenced by her calling it a palaver etc, then I'm sure her friend wouldn't want her within a hundred miles of the memorial. I know I wouldn't have wanted someone like this at my dad's funeral, or my sister in law's. Thankfully lots of people that were full of love and empathy turned out for both sad occasions.

glastocat · 18/05/2011 00:12

LyingWitch, i didn't really appreciate how important funerals were until I was bereaved myself.Your attendance will be appreciated, even if they don't know who you are, really.

Salmotrutta · 18/05/2011 00:12

OP you are very "lucky" never to have been faced with a funeral .............. oh, hang on a minute! .............It's because you have clung on to a (very, very old) tradition of no women!!.
Yes, this was true a very long time ago in some parts of Scotland, but not now! Not for about 4 generations actually.
I successfully (and to my utter shame) managed to avoid my Gran's funeral when I was 16 because I was scared. And I think that you have built funerals up in your mind to be Very Scary Events. So I sort of understand that aspect of you never having been to a funeral. But I was 16 - not 42!!
However this is a memorial, not a funeral - and I think you are just lazy and a crap friend and you can't be arsed. Nice

whatever17 · 18/05/2011 00:16

I am going to go to the memorial.

But I do think it is weird that she is forcing people to go who have never met her sister at all.

I have done all the meeting with the vicar, the florists and I have written the euology with her. I have been to church with her.

I have really gone through it with her, and taken days of work to be with her.

However, I don't get it that she is making people who are her friends go to her sister's memorial.

OP posts:

galletti · 18/05/2011 00:17

you should go to the Service.

elphabadefiesgravity · 18/05/2011 00:19

I understand where you are coming from OP. I have family in south wales and there women do not go to funerals. At my great aunts funeral my mum was the only woman there, even her own daughter only attended the afterwards bit.

If the OP has been brought up with this traidition it is not unreasonable for her to feel this way.

However OP when I was 17 I attended the funeral of my friend's mum. Not only was she very grateful I went (she had loads of family there but no-one of her own age) I am glad that the first time I attended a graveside it was not someone close to me. It was wierd, horrible even though it was not someone that close and I think it made it easier when I did have to go to a family member's funderal. I had previously attended my Grandad's service but not the graveside.

FriedSpamButty · 18/05/2011 00:20

Oh and the OP only wants people who loved her to attend her funeral?

I'm doubt that my former next door neighbour felt the same when she died a few years back. Her DH died many years before she did and they had no children. There were only us neighbours and a few church acquaintances at the funeral. No relatives. But none of us 'loved' her. We liked her, cared for her and respected her and I think that was enough for us to mourn her passing and pay our respects.

If the funeral service had been limited to those that loved her then the church would have been empty. I think that the OP needs to rethink things a little.

annh · 18/05/2011 00:23

Oh dear God, do everyone a favour and stay at home. You have used the words/phrases "creeped out", "palaver", "pisses me off", "fake", "weird" and probably a few other choice ones as well in connection with this memorial. If it is that distasteful, stay away!

galletti · 18/05/2011 00:23

Just read your last post, and that is exactly why you should go - your friend has lost her sister, and she wants you there. Well done so far for supporting her as you have, you sound like a a great friend. And this is a Memorial, to celebrate your friend's sister's life, amd by default you are part of that. It will be ok. Not that i have attended many memorials, but sadly have attended funerals, for all ages. It's what you do in life.

squeakytoy · 18/05/2011 00:25

Whatever, she is grieving. She has lost her sister. That must be bloody hard! She needs support, not scorn!

Salmotrutta · 18/05/2011 00:25

Well said FriedSapm - after my shameful avoidance of Gran's funeral, all those years ago, I have since attended the funerals of other relatives, friends parents', neighbours etc ........... but I still feel guilt about being such a wimp about my Gran

glastocat · 18/05/2011 00:26

Whatever, what do you not get? She is asking you to go because she needs your love and support, its that simple. If you don't feel able to give that to her, then don't go, and explain to her that you think she is making a palaver out of her sister's death. I'm sure she will understand.

FriedSpamButty · 18/05/2011 00:32

Don't feel bad Salmotrutta I tried to avoid my Gran's funeral too. Just out of fear cos I knew I would find it so very hard, which it was. We didn't try to wimp out cos we didn't care, we just knew it would break our hearts! Don't feel guilty.

bananasinpyjamas · 18/05/2011 00:32

If you can afford to go to a funeral in the USA, of your best friends sister who you spoke to on her request when she was dying then I think you should. If you would be completely happy with yourself giving your excuses then don't.
You're father's views have nothing to do with this.
You are 42 and need to make a decision for yourself.
If you didn't know the sister, why did you phone her?
You have to live with your actions and your decisions, not your father.

ChippingIn · 18/05/2011 00:38

Bananas - it's a memorial service being held where the OP lives, not in the USA.

Salmotrutta · 18/05/2011 00:40

Thanks FriedSpam - I loved Gran but I was a scared (and overly imaginative) 16 year old! I think she would have understood to be honest!

The OP however seems to have a different take ......... sounds like it's all too much "bother" and frankly, if you can't understand your friend's grief, then you are possibly without the empathy needed to be her friend.

springydaffs · 18/05/2011 00:46

I'm wondering if you're terrified of death OP. Your father wouldn't let women go to funerals and perhaps you've built up in your mind that death/funerals are terrible, the unkown. Well, they are awful, but you go to support everyone left behind, who are hurting so much to have lost someone so dear. But you've never experienced that so you are creeped out by it. I was quite old before I went to my first funeral (made up for it since ) and it wasn't great. I went to a funeral on monday for my mum's best friend's husband, who I hadn't seen since I was child. I went for my mum's best friend's family, to support them.

OP, imagine an empty church. That should get you there - there is nothing more bleak than a funeral service with an almost empty church. Anyway, it will be a memorial which is not a grim as a funeral.

When someone close to us died suddenly, I was surprised to find that we followed all the usual traditions you hear about. I would like to have worn a black armband, wanted to plant a memorial garden, (wondered why the clocks hadn't stopped..) wanted to DO something to help us all come to terms with the loss. YOur friend wants to do the same. One day, you will, not may, be in the same position of trying to come to terms with the death of someone you loved dearly and you will need as many people as possible to show their kindness - by writing letters, sending cards, attending the funeral/memorial - even if they didn't know the person who has died. People who showed kindness to us were a tremendous help and I have never forgotten what they did, the letters they wrote, the 100s who attended the funeral.

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