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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'We can't afford disabled people'- row with BIL, what next? AIBU to ditch him?

191 replies

SleepingOnTheJob · 14/05/2011 17:11

Some people will know this story as I have talked about it of board sorry. It's just bothering me and I have yet to decide what to do next.

Background: I have 4 children, all cocneived with a good job in family etc but whilst there still is empoyment DHs income hqs taken a big hit from redundancy and I am now a carer. Two of the boys are diagnosed with ASD, one has a non formal diagnosis (ie school say but no OT accepting referrals locally due to OT sick leave) of dyspraxia, and ds4 has just been referred for assessment for autism, I would say AS.

Was at Mums with 3 boys. Sunday relaxing in sun in garden etc whilst Dh took one off to see mates. Mum's a fair drive from us so unusual to get to see her therefore a treat. BIL walks in with nephew who runs off with my boys; BIL sits down but doesn't even look at me, fiddling with phone. Coughs and starts to speak:

'All benefits claimants are lazy bastards'

'I'm a carer. I didn't choose this'

'This country cannot afford you'

'I'm going to try and get work next year when the yongest starts school'

'We cannot afford you'

'The boys didn't choose to be disabled'

'We can't afford disabled people; they sort themselves out or fuck off but disability is a luxury we cannot afford'

'What does that mean?'

'We cant afford them'

he then launched into a rant about all the kids with 'rubbish dx's' (I know one via a mate, severe asd) at the school he is a Governor at and walked out. I have spoken to sis since on phone and she clearly has no idea but not seen him. Didn't send birthday card to him either but feel mean for it; bought one but it's still here. Burst into tears and was crying a bit for days after, what with shock of ds4 failing developmental tests and being referred as well. Wish i'd had the guts to ask him what disabled people should actually do or be done with, have gut feeling euthanasia was hanging in the air but not said.

This is my boys, his nephews ffs. I've known him longer than he has known my sister. He' not exactlys truggling- they work hard but have plenty to show for it. I'd understand if they were under threat of bankruptcy or something.

Haven't been to mums other than to do a drop and run since, don't want to see him. He is there a lot.

AIBU to just pretend he doesn't exist? Also tempted to put a clause in will that on no account can he have my boys if dh and I should pass away but no toehr family yong enough.

What to do?

Mum has also had comments from nephew about people who live in social housing being a drain on state; a drain that has given them all hours childcare for six years, 5 days FT a week for 5 of them!

Mum and Dad were mortified but are too scared of losing the nephew they did pretty much raise at one pint (due to sister's ill health) to say anything except that he's a wanker.

Thank you. Please no rants about fraudulent claims; I agree they are criminals. They are not me though.

OP posts:
bluepaws · 14/05/2011 17:14

to be honest, I do agree that benefits are handed out willy nilly these days - for really strange and ridiculous reasons

for the genuinely needy, yes give them all the help they need, but way too much self diagnoses going on imo

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 14/05/2011 17:15

I certainly wouldn't speak to the ignorant twat.

Peachy · 14/05/2011 17:17

bluepaws we have autistic children, in special needs units.

Would you rather we were homeless?

and if it is about other people why not say that to them.

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 14/05/2011 17:17

Bluepaws - care to give an exampel of "willy-nilly"?

As my household is currently undergoing the Atos treatment (of which you are of course very knowledgeable I'm sure Hmm I can be a little fiery over this!

ManicAnnie · 14/05/2011 17:17

He is no better than a nazi. Fuck him. Don't talk to him again. And may he never have a disabled child himself, as I would pity the poor kid. Twunt.

trixymalixy · 14/05/2011 17:17

What a total tosser, I would never speak to him again.

ManicAnnie · 14/05/2011 17:18

bluepaws is talking shit. Ignore her, too.

Peachy · 14/05/2011 17:18

(You cannot self diagnose autism by the way- unless diagnosed by a Paediatrician or a Psychologist then nto a valid diagnosis)

Self diagnosis happens but woudln;t get you a aplce at a SNU etc

Mamaz0n · 14/05/2011 17:19

Ywnbu to punch him straight in the face quite frankly.

Im sorry but i would expect your parents to have more of a backbone too. Whilst they want to see their grandson they also have 4 others that should be protected from this wankfuckery.

Such commenst should be met with an immediate and very stern "if you chose to have such ignorant opinions that is your choice but do not voice them in my home"

tethersend · 14/05/2011 17:19

I think the school he is a governor of would be thrilled to hear his views. Why not drop them a line? It will make for a great discussion at the next governors meeting.

thebestisyettocome · 14/05/2011 17:20

I know a disabled man who, no disrespect earns 5x what your bil earns (£160,000). This disabled person, and many others like him pay huge amounts of tax which subsidise your bil.

I'd be happy to introduce this person to your bil if he wants Smile

Mamaz0n · 14/05/2011 17:20

bluepaws - please if you wish to talk such bollocks could i ask you to take a look at a benefits application. see the level of evidence required in order to claim DLA and teh like.

self diagnosis will not get you benefits.

thebestisyettocome · 14/05/2011 17:20

'probably earns 5x'

moondog · 14/05/2011 17:21

He sounds unhinged.
Has he a history of bizarre views?

Original poster
SleepingOnTheJob · 14/05/2011 17:21

I considered telling school but would hurt my sister as well and my nephew.

The boys have marked autism; one is very severe and in a special needs placement, the other about to start one and in mainstream at this time with a TA. Both have formal DX's gained after years of assessment by a Paediatrician and her specialist team.

OP posts:
spidookly · 14/05/2011 17:22

This whole financial crisis has been a real boon to the cruel and selfish.

Now, instead of having to come up with good reasons why a society should abandon people who need help, they can just bleat on about how we can't afford all the things they disagree with anyway and expect to be taken seriously.

Saying "we can't afford the disabled" is stupid, and ultimately meaningless (as you pointed out to him and got no answer). To say it to the mother of children with special needs is spiteful.

Original poster
SleepingOnTheJob · 14/05/2011 17:23

I think BIL probably earns about that actually, he does very well for himself- with all the commitment and slog that entails of course. I know he hates being away from home so much.

OP posts:
Mamaz0n · 14/05/2011 17:23

How would informing the school of his views affect your nephew or sister? he is a governer. he isn't paid so not likely to affect them financially. he may well be upset that he hs been found out to be the totallin moronic arsehole that he is, but other than that i can see no reason not to out him

thebestisyettocome · 14/05/2011 17:24

Please don't anybody assume that a disabled person cannot support themselves. They usually can (and do).

bitofthisandthat · 14/05/2011 17:25

What an absolute wank stain of a man.
Why on earth was he put on this planet?
Like someone else just said, maybe one day he will be the father of a disabled child, and see how he responds to that.

lljkk · 14/05/2011 17:25

Wow :(, I am speechless.
He is a first class tosser (meant very euphemistically).
He isn't worth you worrying about it, OP. I'd probably write him out of my life, too.

thebestisyettocome · 14/05/2011 17:25

If he does earn that amount he should be clever enough not to have such ridiculous views.

Original poster
SleepingOnTheJob · 14/05/2011 17:26

Moondog he comes from a very priveledged background and I know a lot of his schoolfriends (I was engaged to one) and they have odd views but he has never mentioned any before.

He has in the past talked about me enver working which isn;t true, when he was dossing about for years after university I was working in care homes and with MH patients. I did my degree as a mature student, self funded, he got his when they were still free and then claimed benefit for a while as he had a third and couldn;t find work (Mum thinks the third with me having a good degree is a key, that he is jealous but if he is he's a bit dim given the whole picture)

OP posts:
TheFlyingOnion · 14/05/2011 17:26

Hmm he is family and you are not going to be able to avoid him forever.

I would write him a letter explaining why you are so hurt, angry and upset, and telling him that if he insists on holding these despicable views he should keep them to himself from now on.

Then, by all means be cool with him, but it will hurt the rest of your family if you can't be civil.

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 14/05/2011 17:26

I don't think anybody was suggesting any different, thebestisyettocome. However, some disabled people either cannot work for a living or need support in order to do so.