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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'We can't afford disabled people'- row with BIL, what next? AIBU to ditch him?

191 replies

SleepingOnTheJob · 14/05/2011 17:11

Some people will know this story as I have talked about it of board sorry. It's just bothering me and I have yet to decide what to do next.

Background: I have 4 children, all cocneived with a good job in family etc but whilst there still is empoyment DHs income hqs taken a big hit from redundancy and I am now a carer. Two of the boys are diagnosed with ASD, one has a non formal diagnosis (ie school say but no OT accepting referrals locally due to OT sick leave) of dyspraxia, and ds4 has just been referred for assessment for autism, I would say AS.

Was at Mums with 3 boys. Sunday relaxing in sun in garden etc whilst Dh took one off to see mates. Mum's a fair drive from us so unusual to get to see her therefore a treat. BIL walks in with nephew who runs off with my boys; BIL sits down but doesn't even look at me, fiddling with phone. Coughs and starts to speak:

'All benefits claimants are lazy bastards'

'I'm a carer. I didn't choose this'

'This country cannot afford you'

'I'm going to try and get work next year when the yongest starts school'

'We cannot afford you'

'The boys didn't choose to be disabled'

'We can't afford disabled people; they sort themselves out or fuck off but disability is a luxury we cannot afford'

'What does that mean?'

'We cant afford them'

he then launched into a rant about all the kids with 'rubbish dx's' (I know one via a mate, severe asd) at the school he is a Governor at and walked out. I have spoken to sis since on phone and she clearly has no idea but not seen him. Didn't send birthday card to him either but feel mean for it; bought one but it's still here. Burst into tears and was crying a bit for days after, what with shock of ds4 failing developmental tests and being referred as well. Wish i'd had the guts to ask him what disabled people should actually do or be done with, have gut feeling euthanasia was hanging in the air but not said.

This is my boys, his nephews ffs. I've known him longer than he has known my sister. He' not exactlys truggling- they work hard but have plenty to show for it. I'd understand if they were under threat of bankruptcy or something.

Haven't been to mums other than to do a drop and run since, don't want to see him. He is there a lot.

AIBU to just pretend he doesn't exist? Also tempted to put a clause in will that on no account can he have my boys if dh and I should pass away but no toehr family yong enough.

What to do?

Mum has also had comments from nephew about people who live in social housing being a drain on state; a drain that has given them all hours childcare for six years, 5 days FT a week for 5 of them!

Mum and Dad were mortified but are too scared of losing the nephew they did pretty much raise at one pint (due to sister's ill health) to say anything except that he's a wanker.

Thank you. Please no rants about fraudulent claims; I agree they are criminals. They are not me though.

OP posts:
TheFlyingOnion · 14/05/2011 17:44

I went on a date once and in response to my telling said date about my disabled brother and the fact that I work with disabled people he said "yeah but, c'mon, you KNOW there's got to be an argument for a pillow over the face at birth, don't you?"

I was actually too shocked to say anything. I thought of all sorts once I got home, mind you.

Original poster
SleepingOnTheJob · 14/05/2011 17:45

I agree that it is hard for disabled people to find work; ds1 is lucky as his field works well self employed so we encourage that. He wants to run his own label in a very specialised area of fashion design, supplying to shops that can retail forwards.

I think if nephew was disabled they would either use family money to hire a FT nurse or quite possibly hand him over to social services. They made very loud noises about not wanting disabled chidlren when sister was pregnant and I had been told ds3 might have DS (he doesn't have it in fact, false alarm)

OP posts:
MintyMoo · 14/05/2011 17:46

TFO - Fucking hell!! Shock

What kind of person thinks it's appropriate to say that to anyone, especially to someone who's just said they have a disabled relative???!!!

bet you dumped that tosser like a hot potato!!

Original poster
SleepingOnTheJob · 14/05/2011 17:47

Ripe that won't work actually as he uses crutches due to a fall when drunk recently, wonder if that's linked in some angry way? Only temporary but you know, 'if I can work then so can anybody'. Hmm, interesting idea

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 14/05/2011 17:47

I would cut all links with someone so toxic. With no flexibility or negotiation. I'd protect my children from him forever.
I'm so sorry you have such a vile human in your family.

MumblingRagDoll · 14/05/2011 17:48

I think you should totally cut him out and tell sister why. Sad bastard.

MintyMoo · 14/05/2011 17:51

Sleeping - I feel sorry for your nephew. Imagine having a father like that :(

Let's hope no-one any closer to him has any kind of accident/becomes ill.

I think if anyone close to me had abandoned me when I became ill it would have destroyed me.

thebestisyettocome · 14/05/2011 17:52

I find it very disturbing that people like Sleeping's bil and ThFlyingOnion's disaster date hold views like this Sad

Sleeping. Your theory sounds about right.

ratspeaker · 14/05/2011 17:53

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Beethoven was deaf
Einstein probably Aspergers
Stephen Hawking anyone?
list goes on and on

OP your BIL is a monumental bumhole and a a bully trying to make himself feel better about his own inadequacies

Ignore him
and you can put a bit in your will about him not being guardian of your children, maybe you have a friend who would step in but you could definately mention he is unfit to look after your children?

5inthebed · 14/05/2011 17:53

He is an arse. Don't speak to him ever again!

chipmonkey · 14/05/2011 17:54

Seriously Peachy, your dsis need to know how badly he has upset you. I wouldn't for a minute suggest you don't see her or your nephew, but you should not be expected to see BIL.

Vicky2011 · 14/05/2011 17:54

Surely these views are COMPLETELY inconsistent with being a school governor?! We all know there are people who take the piss with benefits but to suggest this is true in the majority of cases and that we can't afford to help the disabled so they'll just have to lump it, is horrific. What on earth can his motivation have been in talking to you like that? In truth there are lots of questions running through my mind about abusive behaviour - it's interesting that your parents are scared they could lose contact with his kids - so what makes them think your sister would be so under his spell that she would let that happen?

Sounds very suspicious, yes the views are dispicable (and I ain't no lefty Grin) but I worry that there is more behind this outburst than just ignorance and stupidity.

TheFlyingOnion · 14/05/2011 17:57

I take the view that people like this are sent to try us, and remind us what lovely reasonable people we are Smile

I'm lucky that I have a brother like this (its not lucky for him obviously) as I have met lots of wonderful people and done lots of fab things because of him. I'm also not a pig ignorant oxygen thief because of what I have learned from these experiences.

I feel sorry for your BIL as he seems to have some pretty major issues going on if he holds views like this - fear? Insecurity? Helplessness?

MintyMoo · 14/05/2011 17:58

I'd forgotten about the school governor bit as well... for the sake of the children at that school with SN you should definitely report him to the school.

He should have no decision making powers/influences regarding any vulnerable people with views like that.

Original poster
SleepingOnTheJob · 14/05/2011 17:58

I'm a lefty but know full well that most rigties I know are 100% behind us. I haven't found less kindness coming from Tory voters than others; maybe some disagreement on how widespread fraud is and to tackle that but for famillies such as ours where all is clear then people are generally right behind us.

Not sure about abusive; nothing I can pinpoint, just very opinionated.

OP posts:
TheFlyingOnion · 14/05/2011 17:58

sorry by "like this" I meant disabled

TotalChaos · 14/05/2011 17:58

not to excuse your BIL in anyway, but might he have a drink problem? or has he always been a bigoted twat?

Original poster
SleepingOnTheJob · 14/05/2011 17:59

WRT to school bit cannot see how I can do that without falling out with sister. I do know that nephew is moving school soon, hoping BIL will pack in role then- does he have to as a parent governor?

OP posts:
thebestisyettocome · 14/05/2011 18:01

Sleeping. Interesting you should raise this point.

When the disabled person I am close to had a really bad spell, one person who came to his aid without question was a dyed in the wool Tory. They could not have been more compassionate Smile Taught me not to always judge people for their political allegiance.

Original poster
SleepingOnTheJob · 14/05/2011 18:01

TotalChaos yes, drink issues for both him and sister have been mentioned very many times, has been a source of real concern to Mum. In fact drink problems seem hereditary in my family if that's possible (not sure) so I am very careful myself but at one point sister was spending more on drink than groceries each week, and she used to retire to bed with a bottle of gin many nights before nephew was born

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingOnTheJob · 14/05/2011 18:03

thebest yes, a very tory acquantance turned up before Easter with eggs for us all out of the blue and I have found out that he has stood up for the boys significantly elsewhere. He's a good man, just a farmer so from a very different background and viewpoint politically.

OP posts:
dealer · 14/05/2011 18:04

At least when you're racist (abhorrent) you know there's no chance you're suddenly going to turn black.
But what muppet advocates not supporting the disabled, it might be you tomorrow. What's he going to do if he has a stroke or whatever? End it all for the good of the economy?

Doobydoo · 14/05/2011 18:05

Carers actually save tax payers a fortune! I am sorry your BIL said this but what if something were to happen to his child which meant he needed to be cared for?I am sorry it has made you so sad.

MintyMoo · 14/05/2011 18:14

Sleeping if he does have drink issues then you have a great comeback.

Surely a disabled child is more deserving of tax payers money than someone who's damaged themselves through drinking!!

(personally I have no problem treating any illness, regardless of whether it's lung cancer in a smoker etc but it's a good argument to use with twunts like him)

BlueFergie · 14/05/2011 18:20

He is a dick. I actually think he is setting out to upset you and get a reaction. i would imagine he is a bully who gets his kicks out of hurting people her perceives as weaker/ inferioer to him.
Next time he says something I would just say ' Yes thank you I am familiar with your disgusting views, please don't feel the need to waste your time and mine sharing them again', and just repeat variations of the same or get up and walk away. Do not show you are upset.
I would try to avoid him and certainly would be very cold and distant with him, and limit the exposue your children have to him. I would ring your sister and explain why you are taking these steps.