'We can't afford disabled people'- row with BIL, what next? AIBU to ditch him?

[SleepingOnTheJob]

Some people will know this story as I have talked about it of board sorry. It's just bothering me and I have yet to decide what to do next.

Background: I have 4 children, all cocneived with a good job in family etc but whilst there still is empoyment DHs income hqs taken a big hit from redundancy and I am now a carer. Two of the boys are diagnosed with ASD, one has a non formal diagnosis (ie school say but no OT accepting referrals locally due to OT sick leave) of dyspraxia, and ds4 has just been referred for assessment for autism, I would say AS.

Was at Mums with 3 boys. Sunday relaxing in sun in garden etc whilst Dh took one off to see mates. Mum's a fair drive from us so unusual to get to see her therefore a treat. BIL walks in with nephew who runs off with my boys; BIL sits down but doesn't even look at me, fiddling with phone. Coughs and starts to speak:

'All benefits claimants are lazy bastards'

'I'm a carer. I didn't choose this'

'This country cannot afford you'

'I'm going to try and get work next year when the yongest starts school'

'We cannot afford you'

'The boys didn't choose to be disabled'

'We can't afford disabled people; they sort themselves out or fuck off but disability is a luxury we cannot afford'

'What does that mean?'

'We cant afford them'

he then launched into a rant about all the kids with 'rubbish dx's' (I know one via a mate, severe asd) at the school he is a Governor at and walked out. I have spoken to sis since on phone and she clearly has no idea but not seen him. Didn't send birthday card to him either but feel mean for it; bought one but it's still here. Burst into tears and was crying a bit for days after, what with shock of ds4 failing developmental tests and being referred as well. Wish i'd had the guts to ask him what disabled people should actually do or be done with, have gut feeling euthanasia was hanging in the air but not said.

This is my boys, his nephews ffs. I've known him longer than he has known my sister. He' not exactlys truggling- they work hard but have plenty to show for it. I'd understand if they were under threat of bankruptcy or something.

Haven't been to mums other than to do a drop and run since, don't want to see him. He is there a lot.

AIBU to just pretend he doesn't exist? Also tempted to put a clause in will that on no account can he have my boys if dh and I should pass away but no toehr family yong enough.

What to do?

Mum has also had comments from nephew about people who live in social housing being a drain on state; a drain that has given them all hours childcare for six years, 5 days FT a week for 5 of them!

Mum and Dad were mortified but are too scared of losing the nephew they did pretty much raise at one pint (due to sister's ill health) to say anything except that he's a wanker.

Thank you. Please no rants about fraudulent claims; I agree they are criminals. They are not me though.

Wow what a twat!

My DP would give anything to get his sight back again, to watch his sons grow and become men, to see his grandchildren in the future.

We would both love to work and be a "normal" family. Unfortunatly life is not always as fair as that.

Very good point from Whereyouleftit that your BIL was deliberately provoking a fight.

nickyXjayno god help you if ever you or your children develop a disabilty during your life. Not all disabilities are from birth.

nickyXjayno

My Uncle has a 'bad back', as does a family friend. It's called Ankylosing Spondylitis and it's a very nasty, painful and disabling condition.

I was born with two disabilities, diagnosed as an adult. Have since developed a 3rd.

Do you want to tell me WHY you think I shouldn't be here?

Nicky you are midled in your guesses as to what is cheaper.

DS1 failed dramtically at primary; severe delays in learning, behaviour you could not imagine- Asperger's. We fougt for TA support and in the eyar since it was upgraded he has gone on to lead the school council, vice chair his house, now ahd a reading age 2 years ahead of his peers. In fact. spending nor on education means he will pay tax all his life God willing, and not need support as an adult.

Short termism in finances is massively counter productive. We can take away Carer's Allowance- but even in 2004 (last eyar I have stats for) one week's ASD care in a residential facillity topped £2k all in.

Carer's Allowance is £55 a week and is not a benefit that automatically triggers other benefits.

Doesn't take a financial genius to work out the motivations there surely?

We know from research that earlier quality input pays dividends in long term outcomes; we know that parents of disabled children often want to work (not always- if your child is in hospital always or a non sleeper then there are limits) but that childcare is extremely hard to find, and when it is can cost multiples of the reates for NT chidlren.

Disability is a bus crash away from any of us: that's a relaity. And whilst many people think theya re rpovided for costs in excess of £2k a week without state intervention mean hardly anyone is. Insurance? Hmm, actually tried claiming on that?

Tot ake away from the SN debate, another example of personal responsibility versus state input is pensions yes? Mum and dad paid amximum rates into what they thought would be a great pension for their old age, sacrificed home ownership, car, holidays..... employers sold to American owners who were then able to asset strip the pension fund to cover asbestos claim liabilities. TWICE over. When dad stops working (woudl be disabled if he claimed as no feeling in one leg, works PT cleaning out sausage machines so not glamourous- was a top manager before factories sold, is pushing 70) he faces claimining benefits from a system where the HB lady has alredy been sarcastic when he enquired about provision and asked he'd not bothered with a pension. Luckily dad has the self esteem and pride to say stuff you to judgemental idiots- esp. in a town where the pensions collpase is well known- but it woudl certainly knock me badly.

Disability is a bus crash away from any of us: that's a relaity. And whilst many people think theya re rpovided for costs in excess of £2k a week without state intervention mean hardly anyone is. Insurance? Hmm, actually tried claiming on that?

Someone close to me claimed insurance when they were too sick to work (for the mortgage to be paid).

The Insurance company got VERY nasty about it. Considering she was signed off for stress and depression the stress they put her under certainly didn't help matters.

OP - have you managed to speak to your Sis at all?

Haven't read all the replies but from what you say in your original post makes me think of the Nazis (your BIL point of view I mean), no expert but didn't they kill all the disabled people etc?

He sounds like a scumbag and personally I would have nothing more to do with him and would tell your sister why.

Jesus just read that he's the governor of a school! Is he a BMP member?

As to the OP, I would write a letter to your sister giving your condolences for being married to a wanker, and offering your support should she choose to leave him. Sincerely I would. I understand this isn't the most diplomatic course of action obviously but since when was he diplomatic?

It is a sad fact that the OP's BIL is not in the minority. Has no one here seen the vile shite spouted even here on MN boards towards those with kids with additional needs? I'm not the only one here that has been at the receiving end of it. It's never dealt with by MNHQ either. Also this happens in RL. The media at the moment are revelling in 'disabled are scroungers' bile, particularly the Daily Hate and its ilk.

I wonder why there is so much disablism out there in general. Is it fear? Stupidity? After all those who envy those living every day with a permanent disability can't be too bright. Or are they just generally twisted and entirely lacking in empathy?

I would honestly like to see an official register of people who truly hold these views. I'd like it formally on the record. Then if they should suffer the misfortune of being hit by a bus and surviving albeit quadraplegic, or a heart attack which incapacitates severely, or a stroke, or cancer, or have a child with disabilities, or have a family member suffer the same so needing full time care.... then the register gets consulted and they get nothing. Not a penny in DLA, carers or any other assistance. They should also have to pay for their medical treatment and any equipment they need in full.

Any one of us, any of you reading this post now, could be disabled permanently in the next heartbeat. Very few support the campaign against the government's attacks on benefits for those with permanent disabilities. Very short sighted in my view.

After all you should practise the hate filled bile that you preach.

The benefits system is there to help people short term who need help, and yes we all know that some people choose to abuse it and make it a lifestyle choice we also know that some people in social housing are the scum of the earth, however there are some people with jobs who own their own homes who are repugnant also.

It sound to me as if you did not plan to be needing the benefits system when you had your children and it is for the likes of you who it is there to help.
Your BIL is very rude, give him a wide birth, I can see both sides though, I have an AS child but thankfully do not need to be a full time carer and do not claim benefits, I know someone though that worked 13 years of their life then spent the rest of it on benefits.

I think your parents and you need to speak your mind where the BIL is concerned though

I would honestly like to see an official register of people who truly hold these views. I'd like it formally on the record. Then if they should suffer the misfortune of being hit by a bus and surviving albeit quadraplegic, or a heart attack which incapacitates severely, or a stroke, or cancer, or have a child with disabilities, or have a family member suffer the same so needing full time care.... then the register gets consulted and they get nothing. Not a penny in DLA, carers or any other assistance. They should also have to pay for their medical treatment and any equipment they need in full

Brilliant idea.

www.guardian.co.uk/society/2011/may/15/disability-living-allowance-scope-cuts

This scares me. It's one of the reasons I do not use my walking stick unless I have to. I'm in my 20s and the looks that I got were awful. I usually only use it in bad weather (used it a lot in the snow and ice as even with it I would slip and almost fall on average every minute, was worse without the stick)

If I get to the stage soon where I do need a walking aid more frequently I'm going to request crutches so at least I look like I've had a temporary accident. Middle-aged and elderly people in particular gave me some very nasty looks when I used my walking stick, you could just see the 'look at her taking the piss out of disabled people, bet's she's off to the dole so they'll think she's ill for another fortnight' thoughts forming in their heads.

Oh and you might like to point out to your BIL that my lovely able bodied mother is now wheelchair dependent after losing a leg due to an diabetes, fate is a funny bedfellow and it is a case of there but for the grace of God

People are so ignorant. So bloody rude when they've not even thought about what the disabled and their carers live with every day.

I know, I thought about using my stick on transport for when I really do need a seat. I've yet to have the guts, I don't dare ask anyone for a seat either. I know I'm entitled but I just couldn't face getting abuse.

My elderly father has a BB. When I visit them I get dirty looks when I get out the car first in a disabled spot, then my DM gets out, then we help my Dad out. Even though he's in his 70s and uses a stick even he gets dirty looks at this point. Crazy. It's like people actually think we should shoot him. Mum and I both have hidden disabilities, all 3 of us have 1 disability in common, Mum and I have an additional disability in common and Mum and Dad both have arthritis and I also have SN.

I do wonder if we had neon signs above our heads saying we each had at least 2 disabilities, 2 of us 3 people would think we should all be shot!

I find there are a lot of ignorant stares and comment from older people, say 70 plus.

Maybe its because disabled people were put away in hospitals "in their day" so they haven't grown up with the same attitudes but really, the ill mannered gawking is more than I can stomach some days, and I find myself directing a few rude comments their way such as "shall I wheel him nearer so you can get a proper look?"

The nazi comparison is so difficult to talk about. When you make the comparison, people turn off, they cry "Godwins!" and "hysteria!" We're so used to people crying nazi over grammar, haircuts, whatever, it's sort of impossible to bring up.

But it is the argument the Nazis made. It's not just like it, it's the same argument:

"60,000 Reichsmarks is what this person suffering from hereditary defects costs the community of Germans throughout his life. Fellow citizens, this is your money."

Neues Volk, the monthly magazine of the Racial Policy Office of the NSDA, 1938

It really is amusing that people believe the disabled and their carers are a drain on the public finances.

Leeds University calculate unpaid carers save the country £119billion every year.

If you added up the Carers Allowance, the kids' DLA and the other financial assistance we get it's nowhere near the £4,500 per week it would cost to have them in residential care.

We're a relative bargain.

Exactly Glitter.

It's upsetting how under-valued Carers are in this country. Carers allowance is a measly sum, most people seem to think Carers get paid much more than they do.

I think the powers that be should be forced to live off Carers Allowance for a month. See how 'easy' it is for them then.

sleeping I would have nothing to do with someone who holds beliefs like that, family or not. I have some relatives with political views I find fairly unpalatable and generally be coolly polite to them for the sake of family unity as long as they don't bang on about politics too much but nobody should have to listen to filth like that.

Nzhar makes a really good point about not every disabled person being born with a disability - in fact, only about 12% of people claiming disability benefits were born with that disability. People become disabled after accidents and illnesses; they develop MS and Parkinsons and Alzheimers and Schizophrenia; they lose their sight and their hearing etc etc. It's a point worth putting to morons who say that disabled people should be killed at birth. What do we do when healthy people develop a disability - Kill them as well? Societies are judged by how they treat their most vulnerable members and civilised societies recognise that everyone has intrinsic worth and deserve respect. If you start to make decisions about people's worth purely by how much they contribute to or cost the economy, you're on a very dangerous path.

Also, of the 12% who are born disabled many of those disabilities won't show until later. I was born with 2 disabilities, 1 diagnosed at 21, 1 in the process of diagnosis now.

Autism, dyslexia, dyspraxia, ASD, dyscalculia, dysgraphia etc - these all won't show up until a person is a toddler at the earliest.

Here's a good analogy of acquiring a disability, can't find the original link so am copying and pasting.

"Acquiring a disability is a bit like getting home to find there's a gorilla in your house. You contact the approved and official channels to get rid of infestations of wild animals (in this case, the NHS) and they umm and aah and suck air in through their teeth before saying something roughly equivalent to "what you've got 'ere, mate, is a gorilla, and there ain't really a lot what we can do about them, see..." before sending you back home to the gorilla's waiting arms.

The gorilla in your house will cause problems in every part of your life. Your spouse may decide that (s)he can't deal with the gorilla, and leave. Your boss may get upset that you've brought the gorilla to work with you and it's disrupting your colleagues, who don't know how to deal with gorillas. You're arriving for work wearing a suit the gorilla has slept on. Some days you don't turn up at all because at the last minute, the gorilla has decided to barricade you into the bathroom or sit on you so you can't get out of bed. Your friends will get cheesed off because when you see them - which isn't often, because they don't want to come to your house for fear of the gorilla and the gorilla won't always let you out - your only topic of conversation is this darn gorilla and the devastation it is causing.

There are three major approaches to the gorilla in your house.

One is to ignore it and hope it goes away. This is unlikely to work. A 300-lb gorilla will sleep where he likes, and if that's on top of you, it will have an effect on you.

Another is to try and force the gorilla out, wrestling constantly with it, spending all your time fighting it. This is often a losing battle. Some choose to give all their money to people who will come and wave crystals at the gorilla, from a safe distance of course. This also tends to be a losing battle. However, every so often, one in a hundred gorillas will get bored and wander off. The crystal-wavers and gorilla-wrestlers will claim victory, and tell the media that it's a massive breakthrough in gorilla-control, and that the 99 other gorilla-wrestlers just aren't doing it right due to sloppy thinking or lack of committment. The 99 other gorilla-wrestlers won't have the time or energy to argue.

I have known people spend the best years of their life and tens of thousands of pounds trying to force their gorillas to go away. The tragedy is that even if it does wander off for a while, they won't get their pre-gorilla lives back. They'll be older, skint, exhausted, and constantly afraid that the gorilla may well come back.

The third way to deal with the gorilla in your house is to accept it, tame it, and make it part of your life. Figure out a way to calm your gorilla down. Teach it how to sit still until you are able to take it places with you without it making a scene. Find out how to equip your home with gorilla-friendly furnishings and appliances. Negotiate with your boss about ways to accomodate, or even make use of, your gorilla. Meet other people who live with gorillas and enjoy having something in common, and share gorilla-taming tips.

People get really upset about this and throw around accusations of "giving up" and "not even trying". They even suggest that you enjoy having a gorilla around because of the attention it gets you (while ignoring the massive pile of steaming gorilla-turds in your bedroom every morning and night, not to mention your weekly bill for bananas). The best way to deal with these people is to smile and remind yourself that one day, they will have a gorilla in their house too"

He sounds ghastly. I'm really sorry he upset you so much :( He would have been right at home in the Third Reich.

I WILL JUST repeat, I thought Cameron made a mistake by not sending someone out to talk to the disabled marchers.

It was rank bad manners from someone who is supposed to be educated

Scousy also Maria Millar, the Minister AGAINST Disabled People didn't bother her sorry arse either.

Minty would you mind if I stole that analogy?