'We can't afford disabled people'- row with BIL, what next? AIBU to ditch him?

[SleepingOnTheJob]

Some people will know this story as I have talked about it of board sorry. It's just bothering me and I have yet to decide what to do next.

Background: I have 4 children, all cocneived with a good job in family etc but whilst there still is empoyment DHs income hqs taken a big hit from redundancy and I am now a carer. Two of the boys are diagnosed with ASD, one has a non formal diagnosis (ie school say but no OT accepting referrals locally due to OT sick leave) of dyspraxia, and ds4 has just been referred for assessment for autism, I would say AS.

Was at Mums with 3 boys. Sunday relaxing in sun in garden etc whilst Dh took one off to see mates. Mum's a fair drive from us so unusual to get to see her therefore a treat. BIL walks in with nephew who runs off with my boys; BIL sits down but doesn't even look at me, fiddling with phone. Coughs and starts to speak:

'All benefits claimants are lazy bastards'

'I'm a carer. I didn't choose this'

'This country cannot afford you'

'I'm going to try and get work next year when the yongest starts school'

'We cannot afford you'

'The boys didn't choose to be disabled'

'We can't afford disabled people; they sort themselves out or fuck off but disability is a luxury we cannot afford'

'What does that mean?'

'We cant afford them'

he then launched into a rant about all the kids with 'rubbish dx's' (I know one via a mate, severe asd) at the school he is a Governor at and walked out. I have spoken to sis since on phone and she clearly has no idea but not seen him. Didn't send birthday card to him either but feel mean for it; bought one but it's still here. Burst into tears and was crying a bit for days after, what with shock of ds4 failing developmental tests and being referred as well. Wish i'd had the guts to ask him what disabled people should actually do or be done with, have gut feeling euthanasia was hanging in the air but not said.

This is my boys, his nephews ffs. I've known him longer than he has known my sister. He' not exactlys truggling- they work hard but have plenty to show for it. I'd understand if they were under threat of bankruptcy or something.

Haven't been to mums other than to do a drop and run since, don't want to see him. He is there a lot.

AIBU to just pretend he doesn't exist? Also tempted to put a clause in will that on no account can he have my boys if dh and I should pass away but no toehr family yong enough.

What to do?

Mum has also had comments from nephew about people who live in social housing being a drain on state; a drain that has given them all hours childcare for six years, 5 days FT a week for 5 of them!

Mum and Dad were mortified but are too scared of losing the nephew they did pretty much raise at one pint (due to sister's ill health) to say anything except that he's a wanker.

Thank you. Please no rants about fraudulent claims; I agree they are criminals. They are not me though.

lordy, can we leave politics out of it? We've got enough on our hands here....

What a wanker. Why would ge say that? The best thing to do with morons like that is to let them talk themselves into a corner, eg asking what they think should happen. Never defend just ask questions, they will always make a twat if themselves.

OP's BIL is a tosser, nickyXjayno words fail me. Incidentally, your ignorant views expressed upthread makes me judge your abilities to make any money for living at all. I would not employ you even if someone paid me.

TheFlyingOnion, agree with you, politics should be left right out of it because people with these Nazi views come from all types of political persuasions and any sections of society.

Disgusting.

swc not sure the 'comedian' you mean is really 'left' wing. My observation is that a lot of his fans have quite extreme right views. The type of people who justify outrageous comments with the qualifier that they are only saying what others are thinking...

I could afford disabled kids easily when tehy were born; not my fault DH's work pissed off to the other side of the country and no local childminder will touch the boys. Heavens, if we were on our old salaries we'd be laughing all the way to the bank given we live in a very cheap area. Bad luck doesn't leave you alone after you've had one spell you know. Besides I put into the benefits system for years and will again; actually I am in the form of NI at the moment but that's complicated.

As for 100% piss off love, my kids are 100%. They are amazing and everyone who actually meets them will tell you that, I frequently get comments about how wonderful ds3 is to be with and DS1 holds many of the top positions on his school council and house boards; indeed he has the absolute top one. So he needs a TA with him- I am absolutely certain that the state's investment in him (and indeed his sibling) will be repaid by him, in taxes many times over (his ambition is to be a multi millionaire and I beleive he can do it); as opposed to had he not had his TA in which case he'd have been expelled by now and still getting help for anorexia (at ten) and probably facing a life of prison or MH support at taxpayers expense.

I have no intention in claiming DLA for ds4 should he need it as the income the boys and we have now provides- we are not acquisitive people, provided for is enough. DH works his arse off around the clock and shows every sign of making a success of his business; if I don't make it, as someone who will soon have a damned good MA (NOT state funded- DLA is not means tested nor is CA- and I got an A for my research module) it will be down to societal intolerance of carers and the disabled and not my own skills base.

LoveBeingAble I did ask a few questions but he always says he doesn't understand the system; because of my previous career I do very well. Actually yes, criticising something you don't understand makes you a wanker, absolutely.

nickyXjayno - what a twatish thing to say. You obviously have no idea the time, effort and cost of having a disabled DC.

Your ignorant attitude says more about you than the people who claim genuine benefits.

is anyone else totally depressed that even in our apparently enlightened society (compared to when people with disabilities were consigned to long-stay hospitals) we are still battling against this ridiculous attitudes?

these, sorry.

The idea that 'we can't afford the disabled' is certainly interesting. We were rivalled only by communists as list-topping undesirables in the 3rd reich, so let's keep that spirit alive today. Does he think we can afford bankers' bonusses? Reductions in corporation tax? Non-payment of legally 'avoided' tax?

Something else he said came back: his Nan died recently (sad for him I know) and she died pushing 100; he said that as she didn't need help until she was 95+ people who did were lazy.

I told him about the mother of someone he used to be friends with, when we were teens and is still my best mate: by 39 she ahd breast cancer and a form of dementia and died just after; he shrugged.

Mum says she wishes disability on him as then he could elarn that really, income is the least of it- nothing makes up for the very real fear basic immortality brings; I said no as it would eman my sister and nephew (who is only year R so smal) suffering. But I get her point, I rally do.

'I would give back all my benifits 10000X over if it meant DS could run and play and do everyday things kids his age are doing.
' Absolutely. DS1 is 11 now and it's so hard watching his anger that he can't just go out and play with his mates as they are too old to stay home now; he calls it his 'fucking autism' (I did remonstrate about the word but not the emotion). DS3 hasn't got a clue about it which is a blessing IMO.

I will talk again to Mum and Dad; I do get why they didn't say anything- basically nephew hasn't been exactly given priority so parents pick up slack- but want them to know why I won't take boys near him.

society certainly can't afford idiots like nickyXjayno, who seems to think his personal spat with his SIL should be translated into public policy. And hasn't bothered to explain what on earth his family argument has to do with disabled children.

TFO I worked is psych care back when care in teh community was palced underway and people were closing the big homes and hospitals; saving money was supposed to be the idea, and we were carefully told how it was better to fund carers to care than remove loved ones and pay far higher costs for institutions. Instead, saving a massive proportion of care costs by doing that seems not to have been enough!

I did explain to a Government official how we could be helped; that instead of not being able to claim childcare credits because no accredited place locally would touch us, we (famillies of Sn kids) could have the same amount and be able to use it for a care worker; deafening silence. Nothing extra than anyone else, just differently organised to reflect need. It's not that they can't afford to do anything then, they just can't be bothered.

New Head of the Welsh Assembly has an autistic nephew so that might be interesting I guess! Dh knows them a little, says she and her DH are nice, so we shall wait with interest.

the man is an ape, sleeping and its such a shame your family has had to accept him and his odious views into their lives. I still think he sounds like a scared little boy, tbh, who can't let himself feel anything for anyone in case he's seen as "girly" or the shock of finally admitting he has feelings gives him some sort of nervous breakdown. Horrid for your nephew too as I can't imagine a pig like that will be able to pass on proper advice to a son.

However, all the arguing in the world won't change this goon's mind, so you'll just have to avoid him where you can and let his ignorance wash over you when you can't. Just be glad that you don't have to see him more often. At least your family are supportive.

fingers crossed for you with the new MWA. My brother is in Wales and he seems to be one of the lucky ones - a fully supported house run by a local charoty. My parents battled all the way to get him in there though.

Have you read "Skallagrigg", the book I mentioned upthread? Its about the closure of these hospitals and its essential reading for anyone with a SN family member.

Total wanker.

I tend not to care what total wankers think. It makes life a great deal easier.

sleeping I am a lovely person and so is OH. We are both tax payers and you are more than welcome to them. I am very happy to contribute to your lifestyle and allow you as much time as you need.

As I am such a lovely person I think you should pay more heed to what I think than what that nob head thinks.

Its common sense really innit?

I also think you should tell your sister what he said AND the school where he is a governer.

Wankers are a drain on society and we simply cannot afford them.

And nicyxjayno is a big fat liar.

I can smell those pants on fire from here.

'I know of loads of people who 'have bad backs' and can't work and haven't done for years.
'

Quite possibly.

OTOH there are plenty f people with bad backs who can abrely move; my friend is immobile in hospital after hers deteriorated suddenly. the other one is depression isn;t it? maybe it's an easy excuse but my beloved (EMPLAOYED) Dh almost lost his life to it.

They use these excuses BECAUSE they can be genuine; if nobody needed help with these diagnoses then they'd be scratched, no? Dur.

Autism- a condition diagnosed by adherence to the criteria in the DSM or ICD manuals and whcih is often visible on a detailed scan through deterioration of brain parts such as the corpus callosum- is not a bad back. There may be people who fake it I guess but it would be exceptionally hard as they demand evidence from all stages of a medical history, even for adults if at all possible. Autism is a disability, at times an incerdibly severe disability.

I don't know loads of people who fake it; despite working for a charity where many of our clients were on benefits or in social housing. It's true I gice off 'starigh vibes' of the sort where nobody who was dodgy would want to be my friend, and indeed I must have been the only teen never to have been offered drugs or anything ever! Nonetheless if laods of your mates are doing this you need to reconsider your social connections becuase I would not choose criminal friends.

NickyXJayno - interesting point of view. Could you tell us how much money you put in the bank before you had your kids? Just in case you needed to support a disabled child? lt would have had to be a huge sum- well done you!

I assume that you have several hundred thousand pounds saved up in case you yourself should become disabled, or if you have a partner you have a similiar amount tocover them not being able to work?

You are setting a great example, but I need to know how much you saved, so that I can follow you.

Thanks.

SOTJ: REally sorry you have to listen to such fuckwits along with everything else y

Sorry, post posted too soon!

I do agree with Eidsvold, in that your Mum should say more. I also think your sister needs to know how very offensively he talks about her nephews, and how rude he is. I wouldn't let my kids be exposed that kind of hate, prejudice and ignorance about an aspect of theselves that is part of them, so I wouldn't be at family events where he is likely to sound off.

This thread is about how you deal with a family member who is so visciously discriminatory about your children, and rude and offensive to you - but sadly because it is in AIBU it seems to have attracted some people who think it is about benefits, and that lack of understanding (in general) seems to permeate their entire thinking!

^"BIL sits down but doesn't even look at me, fiddling with phone. Coughs and starts to speak:

'All benefits claimants are lazy bastards'

'I'm a carer. I didn't choose this'

'This country cannot afford you'

'I'm going to try and get work next year when the yongest starts school'

'We cannot afford you'

'The boys didn't choose to be disabled'

'We can't afford disabled people; they sort themselves out or fuck off but disability is a luxury we cannot afford'

'What does that mean?'

'We cant afford them'

he then launched into a rant about all the kids with 'rubbish dx's' (I know one via a mate, severe asd) at the school he is a Governor at and walked out."^

You know, I am absolutely fascinated by this. It is such a trying-to-start-a-fight thing to do - no preamble, not in the course of a conversation involving wine but just bam! straight in there. The fact that your nephew has come out with some crap as well does suggest that he expresses such views at home, but apart from his and your sister's comment on not wanting a disable child, am I right in thinking this is not his usual line in conversation at family events, OP?

So where did it come from? I'm inclined to think he came straight from a fight with your sister and you were her stand-in when he got to your mother's. Have you spoken with your sister since this incident?

And yes I would write to the school where he is a Governor - he should not have influence on how funds are allocated, he will shortchange the SN children at every turn. I would also gather a few choice phrases regarding alcohol abuse and how it turns regular people into fuckwits to throw back at him whenever I felt like it.

banana thanks for that list, my dd 4 has social communication difficulties with speech and lang dev delay with possible dx of ASD later on. This brings hope that she might be able to fulfill her potential later on and that there is hope. Nicky you are just something aren't you, just wait until someone close to you becomes disabled or you do too, I'll bet you won't be sprouting such rubbish. What Naziesque attitude, cull them all then, they will cost the taxpayer less

Yes Nicky have you got millions of pounds saved in case you or your children need looking after should you become disabled, no did'nt think you have.