'We can't afford disabled people'- row with BIL, what next? AIBU to ditch him?

[SleepingOnTheJob]

Some people will know this story as I have talked about it of board sorry. It's just bothering me and I have yet to decide what to do next.

Background: I have 4 children, all cocneived with a good job in family etc but whilst there still is empoyment DHs income hqs taken a big hit from redundancy and I am now a carer. Two of the boys are diagnosed with ASD, one has a non formal diagnosis (ie school say but no OT accepting referrals locally due to OT sick leave) of dyspraxia, and ds4 has just been referred for assessment for autism, I would say AS.

Was at Mums with 3 boys. Sunday relaxing in sun in garden etc whilst Dh took one off to see mates. Mum's a fair drive from us so unusual to get to see her therefore a treat. BIL walks in with nephew who runs off with my boys; BIL sits down but doesn't even look at me, fiddling with phone. Coughs and starts to speak:

'All benefits claimants are lazy bastards'

'I'm a carer. I didn't choose this'

'This country cannot afford you'

'I'm going to try and get work next year when the yongest starts school'

'We cannot afford you'

'The boys didn't choose to be disabled'

'We can't afford disabled people; they sort themselves out or fuck off but disability is a luxury we cannot afford'

'What does that mean?'

'We cant afford them'

he then launched into a rant about all the kids with 'rubbish dx's' (I know one via a mate, severe asd) at the school he is a Governor at and walked out. I have spoken to sis since on phone and she clearly has no idea but not seen him. Didn't send birthday card to him either but feel mean for it; bought one but it's still here. Burst into tears and was crying a bit for days after, what with shock of ds4 failing developmental tests and being referred as well. Wish i'd had the guts to ask him what disabled people should actually do or be done with, have gut feeling euthanasia was hanging in the air but not said.

This is my boys, his nephews ffs. I've known him longer than he has known my sister. He' not exactlys truggling- they work hard but have plenty to show for it. I'd understand if they were under threat of bankruptcy or something.

Haven't been to mums other than to do a drop and run since, don't want to see him. He is there a lot.

AIBU to just pretend he doesn't exist? Also tempted to put a clause in will that on no account can he have my boys if dh and I should pass away but no toehr family yong enough.

What to do?

Mum has also had comments from nephew about people who live in social housing being a drain on state; a drain that has given them all hours childcare for six years, 5 days FT a week for 5 of them!

Mum and Dad were mortified but are too scared of losing the nephew they did pretty much raise at one pint (due to sister's ill health) to say anything except that he's a wanker.

Thank you. Please no rants about fraudulent claims; I agree they are criminals. They are not me though.

I think you should tell your DH so he can smack the twats head in.

What a freak. If someone said that to my disables sister I would knock them out.

Truly....it sounds like he was waiting to BULLY you. Arse.

My mums partner has similar views, when he found out dd2 was going to have full time 1:1 at school he said 'do you realise how much all that costs, its wrong that we spend so much money on desabled people when their are children dying in Africa' , he also asked me if i thought dd2 would be better off dead , dd2 has High functioning Autism, she's happy and will hopefully be very succesful if given the corect help early on. We get DLA for both girls, i get carers (i dont work), both girls have ASD and its bloody hard work, carers allowence is a shit rate of pay for the work carers have to do (its a 24 hour job), we get no respite and no family help.

OP, your BIL is a twat, i would stay away from him and make sure he knows how much you hate his views.

OP - he is a massive fucking cunt faced wanker.

Please send him round to my house so he can;

a) cure my incurable disease
b) cure my other incurable joint condition
c) cure my incurable dyspraxia/ASD/dyscalculia

He's talking out of his massive hairy arse. I've said on here before about someone I know who was refused DLA mobility as there was no evidence she has mobility needs.

She is a wheelchair user.

He's right about disability being a luxury though, my life's been one long jolly picnic. From being called 'spaz' from the age of 5, the bullying at every one of the SIX schools I went to, almost all of that by the teachers to the fact that my learning difficulty is preventing me from getting a graduate level job, as despite having a brilliant degree from a Russell Group Uni I don't have the GCSE!!! grades grad schemes want. It's been years since I graduated and I STILL haven't managed a graduate level job.

Then there's the fact I can't interact socially like NT people, I get myself in bad situations because I don't understand what people's actions etc mean. I am constantly uncomfortable due to sensory issues.

Then there's my illnesses and joint condition, I'm in constant pain every day, I can't dance, I can't play sport, I can't even go for the long country walks I love anymore. I lost my job because of it, no-one else wants to hire me because of it. My team in my old job hated me for it, they bullied me and I know they've given at least one bad reference which prevented me getting a job I wanted a few months back. Even if I do get offered a job the reference will almost certainly see my offer withdrawn.

I exist between a sea of appointments with different specialists.

It's like being a lady of leisure without the leisure part or the money part.

I wouldn't see him again, I would also make sure he never had access to my children either.

Thebest i fully expect ds1 to self support and I already can see he will be very successful as he has a great talent; ds3 hasn't a hope, attention span and communciation way too affected.

Absolutely some people with SN can work- DH has had severe MH problems for many years and never been without a job (or claimed a penny in help in fact (BIL does not know this, DH prefers to keep it quiet)), but it varies enormously.

MintyMoo

Mumbling DH did want words (words, not violence- just not DH's style) but I said no as wanted to think it through.

So let me work this out. Comes from a privileged background and got a third in his degree. I am thinking minor public school educated. It is all starting to make PERFECT sense

He is tool. Ignore.

"disability is a luxury" okaaay. can you disable him and then tell him he should be grateful to have the luxury of having a disability?

tbh, to an extent I do think we live in an enabling culture in this country. I certainly know disabled people who are capable of work but who choose not to because they essentially can make that choice. disability does not equal incapable and I'm happy for anyone with a disability who can work but chooses not to and instead lives on the state to be judged in the same way as any other person who does the same. And I speak as a disabled person myself.

However that does not mean that all disability benefit claimants are scroungers living in the lap of luxury.

If he comes out with vile stuff to your face, can't see what you have to lose by DH having words. think it's shame your mum and dad won't stand up to him.

thebest

Probably minor: comapred to the sink school I went to it's Educational Heaven but I suspect that description does cover it.

His family do work very ahrd though, don;t want to impy they ahve ahd everything given to them. Sister works very long hours in a caring role for a relative pittance, they do get given family money but they have also earned their lifestyle.

But then so did we, Dh worked permanent nights for ages despite hating it to pay our way. Not his fault company moved to other end of UK.

I wouldnt want my children anywhere near this pile' o' wank anyway I will gladly send my daughter around to ram him in the gomads with her electric wheelchair

Great post, spidookly.

It's tossers we can't afford.

Stuckinthemiddle. I understand where you are coming from but there seems to be an assumption in some quarters that disability means being unable to work. That completely pisses me off tbh.

Sleepingonthejob. It's lovely to hear you have such a positive attitude towards your ds' disability

The fact you haven't clouted the fucking ignorant cunt should get you some kind of medal. I hate people like this.

I haven't got much if any first hand experience of genuine disability but my uncle was born with CP and it broke my gran's heart when she had to hand him over to be taken care of in a hospital shortly after he turned 3, yes at the cost of the state. It was no one's fault he was born this way, just one of those things. Yes he requires alot of care as he can do nothng for himself, has uncontrolable epilepsy and a host other problems but what kind of monster must your BIL and those like him be, to think that what we should abandon people like this to fend for themselves?

Oh it's Carer's and DLA he has issues with.

There's no ESA or anything about ability to work involved. Both children at primary age. Otherwise we both work technically though I am on very minimum hours (most weeks none) right now. Dh works very hard indeed, just low waged for the immediate time being.

What has your sister said about his views and comments?
Don't avoid your Mum's because of this tosser, it should be him who's ashamed and not want to see you. Hold your head up high and curl your lip at him like a pro

Thanks Sleeping

I would write him and your sister a letter. If my partner said that to my brother (his little girl has SN, I don't know what as I don't know her Mum very well (my brother recently adopted her when he married her Mum) but I'm pretty sure she has an ASD and sensory issues) I would be having very stern words with him.

Luckily my DP is decent human being though.

Don't let him get to you though, he's not worth the stress, you have enough on your plate as it is. Send the letter and don't see him again until he apologises. He doesn't deserve to know your lovely DC whilst holding those attitudes.

And absolutely some people with SN/disabilities can work, depends on the disability in question and how it affects people. With an understanding employer and the right job many can work, some will always be too ill to work though, or incapable of holding down a job.

And a lot of people don't want to hire disabled people, and from my experiences of people with disabilities I know who work - the main problem is their colleagues - they don't feel it's 'fair' on them to have a disabled team member. My employer actually told me on my first day back from sick leave that I was 'no longer commercially viable' and I was 'a burden on the team, they need you to be healthier and it's unfair on them'.

With attitudes like that disabled people are always going to face barriers to work. And I bet it's people with the attitude of OP's BIL who are the first to complain about a disabled or ill colleague.

SOTJ, the guy is a twat. I think you should refuse to see him and tell your dsis why. Just because he is family doesn't mean to have to see him or put up with his vile views.

So what would your BIL do if one of his children had a terrible accident/illness and became disabled and he or his wife had to give up work and be a carer and claim benefits? Would he think "fuick it, can't afford this, lets kill the kid". What would he do if he had an accident and ended up disabled, claiming benefit and being a "drain" on the NHS? Ask the twat that!

Give him a copy of "Skallagrigg" by William Horwood - see if he still thinks being disabled is a luxury after reading it.

My mum was collecting once for a local disabled kids charity, and an old women approached her and said she "didn't believe" in them. My mum asked her if she wanted to come to our house and see ours for herself.

He sounds an absolute KNOB.
How unkind. No way he should be a governor of a school, you need to tell them.

I would never say 'all people with disabilities are capable of work.'

What I object to is the assumption (as appears to be the case with the OP's bil) that all disabled people cannot work.

TheFlying thank you for your advice

Truth is, as we moved away I can go for years without seeing him for more than ten minutes; I suspect any missed birthdays would be dismissed as me being scatty anyway.

but certainly not willing to hurt sister or nephew, especially nephew as I adore him though suspect he will become too indoctrinated to want to be friends long term

I wouldnt be bothered even TRYING to deal with a mind like that
what does he suggest happens to disabled people and their carers??

i cant believe an adult can come out with a ridiculous statement like that and expect to be taken seriously

Break his legs, then he will be dissabled, even though for a short time. Then he will know Any of us could be in need of care at any time in our lives.
What on earth does he say when he sees very dissabled people who can't see, hear or talk?