paying for someone else's honeymoon...

[Mumtomaybebabybella]

I can't decide how I feel about this.

I have had two wedding invitations this week. The first one had TWO gift list requests in it - one for JLewis and one for trailfinders.

The second one has a link to a website where I can make a cash contribution to the couple's honeymoon in the Maldives OR buy them one of a selection of things such as a massage on honeymoon or a boat trip.

I suppose I just feel that I paid for my own honeymoon, honeymoon meals and excursions so why should I pay for someone else's?

I should also mention that we would be required to travel quite a distance to the second wedding and pay for a hotel, etc.

It says on the invite that our presence is gift enough - but it clearly isn't , is it?

I'm sure I'll be flamed. I'm just not keen on paying for someone else's luxury holiday tbh, though I will do it in both cases.

I don't like this kind of thing

Thanks to all who replied. As it's mumsnet I did understand that there are a few socially inept bolder posters who aren't really able to separate disagreeing with people's views without hurlings insults and abuse - bupcakes,dear, I'm talking to you! Anyway, it's interesting to hear what other people think.

For the record I do NOT begrudge buying gifts - I just find it crass and rude to send a direct request for one,and I think people should pay for their own honeymoon!

Anyway, off now - save your abuse bupcakes, I'll not be back on this thread.x

Still you, OP. You're vile about people you say are friends whereas I have been a bit rude about a stranger on an Internet forum.

haven't scanned the whole 9 pages of the thread but in the OP and what I saw on page 9, I can't see what the OP said to draw any venom tbh. She says she cannot decide what she feels about it and doesn't like it? So?

I'd always been against money being requested for Honeymoon's UNTIL my cousin asked for the same at her recent wedding.

I was so pleased for her that I had absolutely no problem at all meeting the request...
I would have given her the money otherwise so thought she might just have well have had what she wanted.

Personally I prefer to give money as a wedding present. I hate shopping and I would only buy a present if it was something they had specifically asked for. Once I have given them money it's up to them to spend it as they wish.
When it comes to the amount I would only give the amount I could afford and I wouldn't worry if it seemed a small amount compared to what other peoploe have given. Nor would I feel under any obligation to cover what the couple have spent on my meal, that's their choice to have that kind of wedding.

Don't worry OP - the people on here being rude are probably the same people who sent out begging letters with their wedding invites and don't like it being pointed out to them how entitled and rude it is.
It's part of the bridezilla culture these days - instead of being polite and waiting to see if a gift is OFFERED they put a request in because it saves on admin and they've invited so many people (who they barely speak to) to their wedding that there is no possible way that they could actually so much as exchange a text message with them all between the invite and the wedding if the guest CHOOSES to request a gift list.

wow, that's one hell of an assumption springpiece!

I think YABU but it's up to you - buy them a crappy object they have no need or desire for if it makes you feel better about the whole thing.

Will you also expect to see them display it and/or use said object when you visit? Guess so - they must love it if you've chosen in for them right? This thinking is what keeps eBay in business and burdens the planet with unwanted gifts.

Errr Excuse me Springpiece. As I said in my earlier post, My DD did the Honeymoon deal, its something the travel company do as part of a honeymoon deal. Its anonymous donations so no need for anyone to be embarrassed. And she never ever became a bridezilla, she was always mindful of her guests needs and respected that throughout any plans she made.
My DD did not ask strangers and people she hardly knew to her wedding in exchange for hoping to get more gifts..She asked family (its a big family) and she asked her closest friends .
Obviously she and her husband are well loved and respected as her honeymoon was practically collectively paid for by the guests. She did not assume this would happen (and was ready to pay a substantial balance herself ) but it was a fantastic gesture from her family and friends.
Now she had almost three weeks in the Maldives , a honeymoon she will remember forever with some fantastic memories , rather than some totally useless kitchen item or other household stuff that would eventually be pushed to the back of the cupboard or thrown out.

Going to the Maldives (or insert some other exotic paradise honeymoon type island) is not something that is within the normal budget of normal people on normal incomes . So its a once in a lifetime experience.... how bloody lovely that family and friends where part of that experience

So Springpiece jog on with your assumptions, theres a dear!

Erm so your DD just expected her guests to pay for some of her honeymoon then? Still rude imo. As I said earlier we had our honeymoon paid for - but it was the idea of the person buying rather than being asked for.

YANBU - I think any 'requests' for gifts, be it for money or actual gift lists, are vulgar and miss the whole point of a 'gift'!

We had a similar request in a wedding invite last year - but the groom had gone so far as to have set up his own payment page online with buttons you could click to pay one of the pre-set amounts as a gift - and the smallest amount possible was £50. I thought that was taking the piss - we knew them through work and were only going to the evening do!

In the end we went to the do and gave them a honeymoon photo album

Not sure why gift lists and requests for money are even called gifts tbh. A gift is something that someone has chosen for you - perhaps after asking what you might like if they can't think of anything suitable. A gift list is just going on a shopping spree and sending your wedding guests the bill.

How practical and helpful of them MooMoo

I agree with your last post springpiece

When we got married we didn't mention gifts at all. When people asked we just said we didn't expect anything really and just wanted everyone to share our day.

We did receive a big pile of gifts anyway, and it was really good fun opening them and seeing what people had chosen to buy us. And there wasn't a toaster or set of towels amongst them!

Haven't read all 9 pages but I don't see the difference - you don't mind paying towards someone's new dinner service but you don't want to pay towards their holiday? What's the difference?

And if they say your presence is gift enough and you feel you've spent enough on their wedding already, don't buy a gift. Or give them a bottle of champagne if you can't bring yourself to turn up empty-handed.

Gift lists aren't requests or demands, they're suggestions of things the list holder needs.

And before I get told I'm a bridezilla who hates having it pointed out, I've already said I'm requesting no gifts and covering three meals (for most guests, some are getting the evening meal the night before and two days of breakfasts) and all drinks so I'm not expecting my guests to spend anything for my wedding.

I dont mind so much a gift list for the day, but I think it is a cheek at night.

I have been to a night do, where the only food is a sweetie table, that is there to look pretty (dont even like sweets), and no drinks on arrival. It is just a disco really.

I tend to buy a gift of my choosing or a voucher for night do.

I always think with the night do, you have missed the main event, and should not be provided with gift requests.

I have a friend who's mother had recently died from cancer, and she asked for donations for hospice rather than any gifts. I remember her saying that she was really surprised as she was not expecting any presents, but almost everyone had given a donation and bought a present.

I'd always prefer to get something that the bride and groom actually want whether it's a cash contribution or a dustbin.

I can't see the point of burdening them with something they have no need for. These carefully chose 'personal' items are always photoframes or albums aren't they? Usually personalised. Always described as 'nice' or 'lovely'

YANBU. Asking for gifts is crass and asking for them in cash or voucher form is even crasser. However, it is so common nowadays most people are not offended by it.

God, I love registries and this sort of thing.

Just put what you want on a card, whack it in with the invite, I can easily get you a gift you actually want and we can both move on.

I don't understand the objections, people do want to give gifts at weddings so it might as well be made easy and something the couple actually want.

'We had a similar request in a wedding invite last year - but the groom had gone so far as to have set up his own payment page online with buttons you could click to pay one of the pre-set amounts as a gift - and the smallest amount possible was £50. I thought that was taking the piss - we knew them through work and were only going to the evening do!

In the end we went to the do and gave them a honeymoon photo album '

That's the tackiest thing I've read on here yet.

That's stunning.

I think I'd have declined that invite entirely.

YABU. I agree with AgentZigzag, most people will give something, and will appreciate knowing what the couple would prefer.

We didn't mention anything about gifts on our wedding invites, as a consequence most of the guests asked our parents or siblings what we would like. As we too had already set up home, our families told people that if they wanted to give to just give money. It annoys me when I see on these threads people claiming that money is vulgar or impersonal. IMO if you accept a wedding invite and want to give something, you should want to give what they would like to receive, not what you would like to give. Also no one I know could be arsed really putting a lot of thought into buying a wedding gift, most people are relieved to be told what to get so they don't have to be arsed choosing a gift on top of arranging an outfit, travel, etc. I'm sure the couple genuinely wouldn't mind if someone could not afford to give them a gift, but to bitch about them because they're honest about what they would prefer IF someone chooses to give them a gift is unreasonable.

OTOH I do not understand people who expect their guests to travel huge distances and pay alot of money for the actual wedding or hen/stag nights, (I had a meal and a few drinks with a some close friends in the local town and it was great craic). I can see that an expensive gift list, or donations for a luxury honeymoon could be the straw that breaks the camels back if guests have already been expected to fork out alot of money to attend.

We did it, and until I came on here I didn't realise people felt so strongly about it.

In our defence, we had a full one-bed flat and were about to put most of our possessions in storage, but we'd never had more than 5 days holiday together in 10 years, so it was really really important to us that we got a chance of lifetime, literally, to go away.

We also emphasised that we appreciated travelling to our wedding was a committment and would rather have people's presence.

We were very surprised by people's responses! The 'no gift required' was taken literally by my boss who lived nearby, so didn't have to pay for accommodation etc, and knew how much I earnt! The overwhelming generosity from old family friends and relatives from abroad took our breath away. Some friends who didn't want to contribute a small amount did other inventive things - putting some foreign currency notes in our card, or buying us a Rough Guide etc - which were equally touching to be honest.

But some people still insisted on buying tat! which I instantly returned