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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

paying for someone else's honeymoon...

308 replies

Mumtomaybebabybella · 11/05/2011 17:22

I can't decide how I feel about this.

I have had two wedding invitations this week. The first one had TWO gift list requests in it - one for JLewis and one for trailfinders.

The second one has a link to a website where I can make a cash contribution to the couple's honeymoon in the Maldives OR buy them one of a selection of things such as a massage on honeymoon or a boat trip.

I suppose I just feel that I paid for my own honeymoon, honeymoon meals and excursions so why should I pay for someone else's?

I should also mention that we would be required to travel quite a distance to the second wedding and pay for a hotel, etc.

It says on the invite that our presence is gift enough - but it clearly isn't , is it?

I'm sure I'll be flamed. I'm just not keen on paying for someone else's luxury holiday tbh, though I will do it in both cases.

OP posts:
GwendolineMaryLacey · 11/05/2011 23:18

FFS I can't bear this. If you are invited to the wedding of people you like or love then why the hell wouldn't you want them to have whatever they want for a pressie? If you don't like them enough to feel that way and think they are grasping and cheeky then don't take up a space at their wedding. Simple as that.

springpiece · 11/05/2011 23:21

Why don't people just print their bank details on the invites and be done with it? I think it's sad that buying a couple a gift for their wedding has become such a cynical financial transaction.

springpiece · 11/05/2011 23:24

I don't think anyone begrudges their loved ones a present. Just think it's rude to basically ask for one. Would you put a gift list in a Christmas card?

TotemPole · 11/05/2011 23:27

Not in the card, but in our family the adults discuss any Christmas/Birthday presents. We don't see the point on spending money on something we think is 'nice' that the recipient isn't going to use or like.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 11/05/2011 23:28

Why? 99.9% of people take a gift to a wedding. Why pretend they don't?

springpiece · 11/05/2011 23:30

But presumably Totem - that coversation starts with the potential giver asking what you would like/do you have any ideas what they could get you. Not you saying "I assume you'll probably be buying me something so here's a list of acceptable items".

hifi · 11/05/2011 23:31

i didnt do a wedding list initially but after much bullying from my mother i compiled one at JL,my mother told guests about the list if they asked.
the wedding list co ordinator told me i hadnt put enough on the list for the amount of people attending,by this time i was well over it and put things like tv,camera,other high priced goods that i thought we would never get.we got everything on the list except a full dinner service we also recieved over 3k in cash and cheques thet as spending money on our honeymoon.

springpiece · 11/05/2011 23:36

And that, hifi, is the way to do a wedding list if you have manners.

TotemPole · 11/05/2011 23:37

springpiece, Yes is does start like that, but then a 'list' is given and info passed around between us so that no one doubles up.

For a wedding, you can't really expect every single guest to contact the bride or groom to discuss it. They'd have to ask, "how much are you willing to spend?". Then make some suggestions within their budget. Then, as I said above, how would you know which suggestion that guest has bought. So the next phone call with a different guest with the same budget would be tricky.

A list makes it simpler. It much more logical & practical, IMO.

expatinscotland · 11/05/2011 23:41

9 times out of 10 I give money in an envelope. But not when it's put in the invite any cash requests.

springpiece · 11/05/2011 23:50

How long would it take to give the bride or groom a quick ring or even text to ask if they've got a list? It's not as practical or logical but it's a hell of a lot more polite not to put the list in the invite imo.

fit2drop · 11/05/2011 23:53

My dd did this and it was for the Maldives so possibly the very same deal.
It was lovely when they went to pay the final balance and there was nothing left to pay thanks to the generosity of their guests.
They both aknowledged it at the reception speeches by thanking everyone and saying that collectively the guests had provided them with a fantastic honeymoon No one was singled out and those that could not afford to donate were not made to feel uncomfortable. It was all very private.
Most of the guests thought it was a brilliat idea, saved the hassle of going out to choose a gift they probably would not like or would need to change , easy peasy for everyone involved.

No one was embarrassed, bride and groom got what they needed, everyone was happy . Jobs a good un Wine

TotemPole · 12/05/2011 00:01

springpiece, then the bride or groom would have to deal with all those extra and, IMO, unnecessary phone calls. I suppose how practical it is depends on the number of guests.

I do see the point people are making about it seeming rude, but I don't agree with it.

springpiece · 12/05/2011 00:03

Well if your expecting gifts off people I don't think it's too much to ask to have a phone conversation with them. However many you invite. I'm sure collecting ALL the gifts wouldn't be too much trouble for them.

springpiece · 12/05/2011 00:06

Anyway we shall agree to differ - I suspect you're in the majority as it does seem to be what most people do these days.

TotemPole · 12/05/2011 00:14

Yes, agree to differ. :)

confuddledDOTcom · 12/05/2011 00:18

I think Gwendoline hit it, it's all a big pretence. I don't see a problem with getting a gift list with the invitation, the last invitation I got had a poem printed on it asking for holiday money. Didn't bother me, I didn't think they were grabby just being realistic - people will want to give presents and they're letting people know in advance what their preference is if people want to go with that. The poem wasn't brilliant though, I'm not normally a poem hater but this one wasn't great.

Lets pretend that we aren't expecting presents, let's pretend we don't have suggestions. And when I say "expecting" I'm talking about 1, not not 2 or 3:

  1. a. To look forward to the probable occurrence or appearance of: expecting a telephone call; expects rain on Sunday.
b. To consider likely or certain: expect to see them soon.
  1. To consider reasonable or due: We expect an apology.
  2. To consider obligatory; require: The school expects its pupils to be on time.

When I say suggestions I mean a hint or tip, not a demand.

TrillianAstra · 12/05/2011 00:19

Lists are suggestions, nothing more.

"If you would like to give us a gift, here is a way to do it to ensure that your money is well spent"

You don't have to buy anything at all.

You don't have to buy something on the list.

But if you do want to give a gift, and do want the gift to be something that will be appreciated and loved, why would you not use the suggestions?

Joolyjoolyjoo · 12/05/2011 00:20

I really don't get people's problem with this sort of thing.

I'm going to a wedding, so I'm going to buy a gift- that's pretty much a given

I hate shopping with a passion, even more so if it's for someone I don't know all that well. I WANT a list, especially if I can do it online. It takes a huge amount of hassle out of the equation.

My cousin got married a couple of years ago, and had a "honeymoon" list, and I thought it was a great idea! I'd far rather contribute to a really special memory than buy them some item of kitchenware etc that they wouldn't want. Took ten minutes to do it online, and I knew it was something they wanted. To me, it's actually a service to the guest- no shopping, no swithering, no worry that they will have 3 already. Just the knowledge that I have put my money to good use, and got to hear about the way my "present" was used.

If you like the people geting married, you want to get them something they want (ie a fabulous honeymoon with great memories) If you don't like them, don't go to the wedding, then no gift required.

Fecklessdizzy · 12/05/2011 00:31

We have some friends who asked for secret contributions to their IVF fund if people wanted to buy them something, which struck me as fine and rather sweet.

Way better than a poxy toaster, anyhow!

fit2drop · 12/05/2011 00:31

absolootle Joolyjoolyjoo Grin

startail · 12/05/2011 00:57

DF who's wedding I went to recently (marrying patner of 20 years) did both. People who asked were asked to support the charity she used to volunteer for and a group of friends organised a boat trip and a posh meal while they were on honeymoon.
I think your friend s are simply trying to avoid simply asking for money. Weddings are horribly expensive and that's probably what they actually need

TheBride · 12/05/2011 01:07

I like to get the list with the invitation. Don't really care what's on it. It just minimises admin for me and at least I know that they want what I'm going to buy them.

Original poster
Mumtomaybebabybella · 12/05/2011 06:44

Thanks bupcakes, what a shame you are unable to express your views without resorting to verbal abuse - who's the arsehole?x

OP posts:
tyler80 · 12/05/2011 06:44

"Weddings are horribly expensive"

This is what I hate, the idea that the gifts are somehow to offset the costs. Have the wedding you can afford if you want one but don't expect to claw some of that back through gifts/money received.

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