paying for someone else's honeymoon...

[Mumtomaybebabybella]

I can't decide how I feel about this.

I have had two wedding invitations this week. The first one had TWO gift list requests in it - one for JLewis and one for trailfinders.

The second one has a link to a website where I can make a cash contribution to the couple's honeymoon in the Maldives OR buy them one of a selection of things such as a massage on honeymoon or a boat trip.

I suppose I just feel that I paid for my own honeymoon, honeymoon meals and excursions so why should I pay for someone else's?

I should also mention that we would be required to travel quite a distance to the second wedding and pay for a hotel, etc.

It says on the invite that our presence is gift enough - but it clearly isn't , is it?

I'm sure I'll be flamed. I'm just not keen on paying for someone else's luxury holiday tbh, though I will do it in both cases.

I know that if I ever had a wedding again, my family would be horrified if I asked for no gifts. They would want to contribute to my future marriage, whether it be a toaster or honeymoon.

I'd like to think that I'd ask for donations to charity, but I know that close relatives would give a token to my and my husband instead.
Maybe the gift lists/honeymoon fund was printed on all of the invites to appease older relatives who like to give?
Anyway, its up to you if you don't want to fund the honeymoon. give them something else instead or take them out to dinner when they get back from their honeymoon.
Not such a major issue to get bothered about, in my opinion.

they must be good friends with you as weddings these days are very expensive and money is tight with everyone so just give what you can if theyre friends they will understand, if not dont go

greedy about their weddings? do you know how much they are spending on you (plus partner?) so you can share their day? a day and a holiday that is a one off. are you a good friend to them? why have a second toaster or amass a collection of towels? theres no pint, hence the money request and theyve told you what theyre doing with it. whats the issue?

IMO YABU lighten up and enjoy the wedding celebtration

If you want a honeymoon, pay for it yourself.

A grabby and gauche trend that appears to be spreading, by people with a massive sense of entitlement.

I'd decline the invite and send along a card.

I find it quite rude to have a gift list in wedding invitations.
I have no problem with people asking for what they want by way of gift lists etc whether it's john Lewis or trailfinders. If you can't afford much,buy them a token gift.

Really in thinking about it - a registry full of items the couple wants is not different than pointing out what they want is help for their honeymoon. Nobody bats and eye and says a registry is greedy and rude.

'greedy about their weddings? do you know how much they are spending on you (plus partner?) so you can share their day?'

Is it quid pro quo now with regards to weddings? Then why not just charge admission and be done with it.

If you can't afford a wedding without keeping mental tabs and expecting a gift of the equivalent monetary value, then don't have one.

I don't mind giving cash or a donation towards honeymoon - why not give them somehting they would like? If you think they are mean and moneygrabbing then why on earth are you going to their wedding??

Maybe there are two issues here -

1. I don't like the gift list details being in the invitation - and two is just really rude! I would much rather ASK - I don't send out gift lists to people at birthdays and Xmas or when I have a baby, I wait for them to ask what I'd like.

1. I really think people should pay for their own honeymoons. And asking for money is and always will be rude and vulgar IMO.

Of course I don't mind buying a gift - I enjoy buying people things! It just takes the pleasure out of it to be asked in such a blunt and calculating way.

I never mind paying for honeymoon. However, my DH2B aunt and granny complained, and thought it was cheeky when a family friend did this. We are therefore paying for our own honeymoon.

I occasionally ignore the giftlist/honeymoon contribution and give bride and groom money or choose a present for them. I have done this when I have been a bridesmaid known the couple very well, and wanted to buy them something special.

People will be asking you to pay for their actual wedding next.

Oh, they already have by the threads on this board, Mumtomay.

Why not just charge admission?

expatinscotland - its not about an entry fee but think about it how much you would spend on a meal out with say wine - thats exactly what theyre providing. like most couples they probably dont care how much you are spending on them. im sure theyre factoring travel costs etc too.

the most important thing is the friendship and that they love you enough to invite you because IMO wedding invites are often tight

JUST ENJOY

ginmakesitallok crossed my mind too

when some one invites me to dinner i bring a bottle of wine or box of chocolates, because they have gone to effort and expense not only to have my company but for my enjoyment. when someone invites me to a wedding ditto only its upping the anti because, well they spend a lot of money on their special day. now back in the day yes you helped a fledgling start their new lives together with household goods. thats not usually necessary now.
you say its grasping and greedy to ask for money, i find your resentment of giving what i am assuming is friends of yours a gift quite cynical.
its not a competition, they have given you an out by saying that they want above all to have you there on their day and a gift is secondary. its traditional for the couple to provide guests with gift options, so really i dont see the problem you are having and feel yabu.

'expatinscotland - its not about an entry fee but think about it how much you would spend on a meal out with say wine - thats exactly what theyre providing.'

It's an event they are volunteering to put on. They are not running a restaurant or for-profit business, so why see it like that?

If our presence really was gift enough they wouldn't be asking for gifts so I find that a bit meaningless! Should mention that this is old friend of DHs who we don't really keep in touch with but he's known him since a baby- don't even know the fiancee.

id ignore the list and just buy something i wanted to buy

And it's the expectation of a gift that grates. It's not a business event they are putting on by holding a wedding so I don't think it works like that - we pay for your meal, so you buy us something. Of course we are happy to buy a gift. I would just rather ask them what they would like rather than be asked in what is IMO quite a crass way. And if they have everything they need, why must they ask for anything?

expatinscotland because weddings are usually a heavy financial burden for people esp if they have large numbers and they dont want to disapoint anyone. yes, it is their choice but weddings quite often become about the guests and not the couple so i choose to 'see it that way' and my gift usually reflects that - thats just me :)

My cousin did this, it didn't sit comfortably with me so instead I painted them.a teapot with the date etc of wedding on it. Took me 4 hours to do! They got enough for their holiday from lots of other guests, holiday has been and gone but they still have the teapot.

SIL and BIL asked for charity donations if people wanted to mark the event and raised over £3000! That seems less vulgar than asking people to pay for a holiday though, to me anyhow.

Mumtomaybebabybella kind of figured you were the OH of the required guest. personally i would hate to have someone like you at my wedding. i wouldnt go if i was you dont spoil their day

the reason for a wedding list in the first place was to get the couple all the stuff they'd need for a home. It's all moved on - but at least they gave you the JLewis list and there's bound to be some new stuff they have chosen that you could buy. YANBU about honeymoon - it's a holiday, an extra (very nice one!!) that's why some here have said they're uncomfortable with it.

They don't need the honeymoon contributions - they've already booked it and obviously plan to go!

Get a nice pressie and let it go - it's their big day.

I don't like it either OP. But that could be because I married in 97 before it was common practice and I had to pay for it and graciously accept fecking lamps and vases and shite.

When this first started happening, I was quite annoyed. Until my DH pointed out actually, it's a lot of effort to go round the shops, looking for the "perfect" gift for couples, therefore I should be happy to be able to simply donate some money towards a honeymoon. Now I quite happily donate to "honeymoon funds", glad I don't have to find the time with 3 young children to traipse round shops.
When DH and I got married, we invited everyone to donate to a charity instead of give any gifts and made sure we were clear on that, we did not want any gifts whatsoever. Most people apart from very close family and friends adhered to this so it worked out very well. We paid for our own honeymoon but I don't resent paying towards someone elses- each to their own.
Ruby

Shirl, get over yourself. I have manners and will be perfectly polite and pleasant on their big day - I know how to behave. I'm allowed to have opinions on their gift list though!