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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

paying for someone else's honeymoon...

308 replies

Mumtomaybebabybella · 11/05/2011 17:22

I can't decide how I feel about this.

I have had two wedding invitations this week. The first one had TWO gift list requests in it - one for JLewis and one for trailfinders.

The second one has a link to a website where I can make a cash contribution to the couple's honeymoon in the Maldives OR buy them one of a selection of things such as a massage on honeymoon or a boat trip.

I suppose I just feel that I paid for my own honeymoon, honeymoon meals and excursions so why should I pay for someone else's?

I should also mention that we would be required to travel quite a distance to the second wedding and pay for a hotel, etc.

It says on the invite that our presence is gift enough - but it clearly isn't , is it?

I'm sure I'll be flamed. I'm just not keen on paying for someone else's luxury holiday tbh, though I will do it in both cases.

OP posts:
LoveLeonardCohen · 12/05/2011 23:38

springpiece you clearly have a bee in your bonnet about this one...

I genuinely can't understand why people would have a problem with this. I would really much rather contribute towards a really special holiday for the couple, one that they will remember. I think it's a lovely thing to do.

fit2drop · 12/05/2011 23:41

springpiece how the fuck do you decide from my posts that I am a lot wealthier than you Hmm

I doubt I am any wealthier or poorer than the majority on here.
Possibly poorer due to 11 children and over 25 grandchildren and great grandchildren. I dont know and I dont care.
You are changing the goal post with your argument .

My DD ONLY had family and close friends (add that lot up there^^^ with a plus one a couple of loved aunts and uncles close friends and thats plenty for a wedding anyway so they ALL knew her) , they all knew that the little ticket did not mean they had to contribute, but it did mean she was mindful of the fact that some people were not in a position to be able to buy a present and the last thing she would ever want to do was make them uncomfortable or feel like they couldn't attend if they didnt get a present.
Her way was mindful to all her guests and also mindful to what would best be appreciated by her and her husband. They had already got their home and did not need a new toaster or picture frame etc....

Klou sounds like you did similar to my DD only the travel agents dealt with the contribution side anonymously.Grin they had a fantastic once in a life time honeymoon too courtesy of their much loved and respected and very loving and respectful family and friends xxx

LoveLeonardCohen · 12/05/2011 23:45

fit2drop - so with you on this one.....just mind boggling that people are so begrudging and judgemental about this. I mean, really of all the things to get all arsy and judgemental about. I would be so happy to contribute towards a lovely honeymoon

EightiesChick · 12/05/2011 23:46

I'm OK with it. But could you get them something travel related if you want it to be a gift, like a guidebook to their destination? Otherwise just get a £10 voucher if that's your budget - you shouldn't have to get into debt over it.

Friends of mine are getting married later in the year and are doing this too as they have set up home already. I agree that having the amount of your gift known seems a bit odd but then again it saves having to pick at the right 'level' from the list.

My stand by gift for any wedding is a bottle of champagne, especially now that you can get decent-ish champagne at a good price in Tesco and the like.

springpiece · 12/05/2011 23:58

fit2drop it was actually you who implied I/my wedding guests must be loaded something about there only being so many exotic holidays/diamond encrusted letter openers I need. So just thought I'd get the record straight that aside from DH's mum, who had a very long and successful career, we are all skint.

And for the record I wouldn't begrudge any gift/contribution to a couple getting married. I just don't think that gifts should be mentioned before you have been asked. Most people wouldn't do it in real life except maybe to very close family so why do people send gift lists out to colleagues and such like when they marry. Getting married just seems to trigger a temporary loss of basic manners in some people.

LoveLeonardCohen · 13/05/2011 00:00

It is because it is a wedding that there are these requests...and also as another poster mentioned a while back it is a cultural thing also

LoveLeonardCohen · 13/05/2011 00:00

It is because it is a wedding that there are these requests...and also as another poster mentioned a while back it is a cultural custom also

LoveLeonardCohen · 13/05/2011 00:01

Oh don't know why that happened

springpiece · 13/05/2011 00:02

By in real life I mean face to face. Take the paper invite out of the equation and imagine going up to a colleague at work and asking them to come to your wedding then saying (without them asking what you would like for a gift) - "you don't have to buy a present but if you want to we would like cash for our honeymoon!". It would be presumptuous and rude and it is no less so when done via the post.

confuddledDOTcom · 13/05/2011 00:06

Which company gives you these honeymoon cards? I'm thinking about getting some now, although I don't want presents it's good to have a standby if people want something.

fit2drop · 13/05/2011 00:20

I didnt imply you were loaded Springpiece....

you have said

Your parent in laws are wealthy and bought you a honeymoon in the caribbean

I think that is incredibly generous and lovelyGrin

you have said

That anyone that lets family buy them a honeymoon are rude and bad mannered and come from a bridezilla mentality

I think I..... actually reading that it actually says a lot about you Grin

So its OK for you to accept it because "you wasn't so rude as to ask"

but

its not OK for my DD to say to people who have known her since she was a baby and her long time closest friends
"actually we have booked our dream honeymoon and paid a deposit.... for those of you who would want to get a gift (cos I know you lot and I know how lovely you are, especially after all the gifts I have regularly received from you over the years) (well she didnt say that but its the way the mind works ..yes?) if you want to donate anonymously there is a ticket in the invite , just take it to the travel agency or quote the number online etc etc.
and that would be so appreciated. If you dont want to then thats fine too. We just want you to enjoy our special day and would love to see you there.

HMMM NOPE .... from any direction I cannot see how that is rude, offensive,or bridezilla-ish.
There are no demands in there.No expectations , just choices and a helluva lot of mindfulness for others and there situations.

fit2drop · 13/05/2011 00:21

their Blush

springpiece · 13/05/2011 00:26

Misquoting me doesn't make you right. I have said NOWHERE in the thread that I think that people who LET family buy them a honeymoon is bad mannered and rude. I have said that people who ASK for gifts/contributions are rude. BIG difference.

springpiece · 13/05/2011 00:27
  • are bad mannered
fit2drop · 13/05/2011 00:37

Confuddled its too late to call my DD tonight but I will call her tomorrow and find out if you want me to. I can't remember the name of the company. Happy to pm it to you or put it on this thread if you want sometime tomorrow,

fit2drop · 13/05/2011 00:48

Well in your world maybe springpiece

But in mine , we are quite comfortable in knowing that it is ok to say what you want without being rude or grasping. We prefer it that way, to the pussyfooting around.
its silly and unnecessary. Good manners and respect are a huge part of our family network but we are able to speak freely and openly about what we want , think and would like.
ITS A WEDDING!!!! people buy gifts.Its tradition. Its not an expectation it an acception of thats how it is, if you dont want gifts but would prefer donations to whatever then say so..no biggie.... money still gets spent but it gets spent on something the couple actually want. I call that a result , a win win .....

springpiece · 13/05/2011 00:55

OK OK you're doing the whole mummy lioness thing. We get the picture - your dd is clearly the most virtuous person to ever have walked the planet and always puts others before herself (especially, it seems, when it comes to paying for her honeymoon).

fit2drop · 13/05/2011 01:24

OH!!!

You met her already Hmm

Goodnight Grin

southofthethames · 13/05/2011 01:36

I think what they meant was don't give us a toaster but you can choose whether to give from JL or Trailfinders. If it is all a hassle, just put cash in the card instead. We do it at christenings, first holy communion, confirmation and some Jewish holidays so it's not weird for us to give money. Many friends are just relieved not to have to go shopping.

southofthethames · 13/05/2011 01:39

Sorry, I just realised that the honeymoon request was not via Trailfinders.Mentioning the other wedding confused me. Ok, if the whole honeymoon thing is too strange, just pop some cash in the card and they can use it to pay towards their honeymoon?

Megatron · 13/05/2011 07:01

Personally I don't like it. If a couple genuinely don't need/want anything and really do feel that their guests presence is enough but want people to feel that they have 'given' something, they can suggest a donation to a charity that means something to them. But, as with everything, each to their own.

JimmyChooChoo · 13/05/2011 07:16

I'm with Springpiece and Megatron on this one.
It's bad manners and tacky.Lacks class.Only cheeky little buggers would ask for a 'honeymoon fund'.Grin

empirestateofmind · 13/05/2011 07:20

I can't bear the thought of the waste of time and money where people just choose what they want to take as a present.

If you have to take a present and there is no list contact the bride and ask what she would really like. If you can't do this why are you going to the wedding?

I live in Asia where it is usual to give money- the bride and groom will still usually be living with one set of parents while saving up for their own home. They don't need toasters but cash is extremely welcome.

I always give cash now whatever wedding I go to- it seems so sensible.

expatinscotland · 13/05/2011 08:59

I do usually give cash. But decline invites where it's demanded in the invite (or to pay for their honeymoon, pay for it yourself, you grabby, uncouth person).

But why does everyone assume they'll get a toaster if they don't ask for the filthy lucre? Do you really assume your guests are that stupid?

shirl2010 · 13/05/2011 08:59

the OP sounds very bratty and tad childish to me ... i dont like this .... i dont like being told to do that blah blah blah. well its not your wedding is it. why keep reminding us that you paid for your own honeymoon are you jealous or just an incredibly unhappy miserable person??? the bride and groom can do and ask for what they like. and they are going on honey anyway whether people contribute or not! if people dont like what is written alongside the invitation then instead of the bitching behind their backs dont attend nobody is forcing anyone to do anything

good luck to them is what i say