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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

paying for someone else's honeymoon...

308 replies

Mumtomaybebabybella · 11/05/2011 17:22

I can't decide how I feel about this.

I have had two wedding invitations this week. The first one had TWO gift list requests in it - one for JLewis and one for trailfinders.

The second one has a link to a website where I can make a cash contribution to the couple's honeymoon in the Maldives OR buy them one of a selection of things such as a massage on honeymoon or a boat trip.

I suppose I just feel that I paid for my own honeymoon, honeymoon meals and excursions so why should I pay for someone else's?

I should also mention that we would be required to travel quite a distance to the second wedding and pay for a hotel, etc.

It says on the invite that our presence is gift enough - but it clearly isn't , is it?

I'm sure I'll be flamed. I'm just not keen on paying for someone else's luxury holiday tbh, though I will do it in both cases.

OP posts:
Shaxx · 12/05/2011 17:59

Fit2drop all that matters that your dd had loving friends and family who wanted her to have a wonderful wedding and a gift she wanted.
Forget about the negative attitudes here.

springpiece · 12/05/2011 17:59

And to all people who think this is OK would you put a note in a Christmas card to a friend who you are pretty sure will be getting you a present saying that if they want to get you something you would appreciate cash towards a holiday? If you wouldn't - have a think about why.

bupcakesandcunting · 12/05/2011 18:00

Springpiece is a bit of a daft judgypants, no?

As I said, I was not "one of those brides" yet I still have no problem with those brides. Also a bit of stereotyping there assuming it's bridey doing the demanding and not the groom...

springpiece · 12/05/2011 18:06

Got it in one bupcakes.
As I've said I have given money and gifts when asked so I wouldn't stress about it in RL. I'm only arguing my side so much on here cos most people disagree with me. I'm sure a lot of people just get caught up in the whole wedding thing and do what is expected - my friend and sister who have done this are not greedy people in general. It's the tradition I have a problem with - I think it's rude.

fit2drop · 12/05/2011 19:53

Thank you Shaxx.

I know in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter what people on here think but when a poster deems it OK to have a pop at my daughters character when she is in fact one of life's gentle souls, giving and caring with a big heart and never ever says a bad word about anyone I just felt a need to defend her .

Springpiece I sincerely hope you have a lovely view ,

when you manage to get over yourself .

Hmm
springpiece · 12/05/2011 20:23

Not having a pop at your daughters character at all but feel free to get the violins out Hmm
It's a rude thing to do. Nice people can sometimes do rude things. As I've said my sister had a wedding list. I love her very much and we are very close.

fit2drop · 12/05/2011 21:35

No springpiece , what would be rude would be to let people spend their hard earned cash on a gift that no one wanted or needed , or allowing people with a lesser income to feel they had to contribute present wise.

Nice people do not do rude things, if they do, then they are not nice are they Hmm

Also you were quite happy to let someONE pay for your honeymoon .... but condemn others that ask for the cost to be shared....... so you got the the honeymoon AND presents ...how greedy is that Hmm

KLou111 · 12/05/2011 21:41

We had our honeymoon paid for. We would rather have had something that we were going to remember FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES than have a gift of something that would be broken in 2 years.

So yes, YABU.

Like someone said previously, if you're going to buy a gift, buy something they want. We ended up with a few things that have just ended up a cupboard somewhere that we didn't want as we had been together for 10 years when we got married, and had everything. But the odd few traditional guests wanted to buy a gift. Such a waste of money IMO and would rather have had it towards the honeymoon.

KLou111 · 12/05/2011 21:45

Must add aswell, we have been to 4 wedding since and they did exactly the same as us. No-one wants 'stuff' if you've been together so long, and no-one expects gifts, but if you do want to give something, I'd rather it went to something they want :)

HannahHack · 12/05/2011 21:45

YABU. What else are they expected to say?

I read that as, "we have enough toasters, and feel the most important thing on our wedding day is to have our friends around us. However, if you do want to buy us a present, this is what we would really, really like."

How much more accomodating can you possibly be!?

springpiece · 12/05/2011 21:45

The honeymoon was a present - one that the giver decided to give - because that's what a present is. Giving people an invoice for something you've chosen yourself isn't a present.

KLou111 · 12/05/2011 22:09

So having a wedding list isn't a list of 'presents', asking someone what they want for Christmas/birthday, and buying it isn't a 'present'???

fit2drop · 12/05/2011 22:15

Ok so lets say 100 people invited to wedding

lets say 75 of them give a present

10 of them spend 100 = 1000

15 of them spend 50 = 750

20 of them spend 30 = 600

10 of them spend 20 = 200

10 of them spend 10 = 100

5 of them spend 5 = 25

so thats £ 2675 ...

surely that sort of money is best spent towards a honeymoon , a once in a life time experience for a couple that would never have experienced it otherwise. instead of over 2 and a half grands worth of unwanted/un needed crap

I am talking normal here...I guess people who have a parent who can finance fork out thousands as a gift, then yes I guess they would want presents , as there is only so many exotic holidays you can have before you get blaze about them.
and I suppose you can never have enough diamond encrusted letter openers for the several parlours you have

MadamDeathstare · 12/05/2011 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KLou111 · 12/05/2011 22:18

We set up a bank account for our honeymoon. We asked for all donations to be anonymous as we didn't want people to feel they had to donate, but if they wanted to tell us, they did so in the card, or wrote a cheque.
So much better than a wedding gift list where you know how much people have paid out, and some people feel obliged to buy something and then the bride and groom may judge the peeps that don't buy a present, or buy the cheapest thing on the list. Guests can also feel pressured into spending a fortune as the B&G know the cost etc.
We had the most fantastic holiday ever and it will never ever be forgotten!

springpiece · 12/05/2011 22:56

Well tbh no telling someone what you want and having them buy it isn't a gift really. A gift to me is something that someone chooses themselves to give to someone else and is a surprise. Although I don't think it is rude to say what you would like WHEN ASKED. But it is rude to suggest what gift you would like to anyone who hasn't explicitly asked for that information - even if your fairly sure they will want to get you something. You might get away with it with close friends and family but it's inexcusable to be so presumptuous with the guests for your evening do for example.
Still no-one has come on here and said that they would put a gift list in a Christmas card. So why is the fact that you are getting married an excuse for bad manners?

MercurySoccer · 12/05/2011 23:08

YANBU.

It's presumptious to mention gifts with an invitation, you should wait until people ask, and then give a variety of ideas. Even then it's fine for people to choose a surprise gift instead.

springpiece · 12/05/2011 23:11

haha fit2drop I strongly suspect that you are A LOT more wealthy than me. Yes my husbands PARENTS are well off (which they have earned by working hard all their lives) and my parents are poor as church mice. We live in a 2 bed terrace in a not so good area (family of 4) and haven't been abroad since our honeymoon (9 years ago). My husband has an averagely paid job and I'm a sahm so no diamond encrusting in this house!
Yes my in-laws bought us a fantastic wedding present entirely due to their own thoughtfulness and generosity - not because we asked for it.
And as I've said I had no wedding lists and didn't get any useless crap but then I only invited people who like us, who know us well enough to know what kind of things we like and who have the intelligence not to get something that is likely to be duplicated (or that wouldn't matter if it was) so we felt able to send out invites knowing that we didn't have to provide instructions for people who wanted to buy a gift.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 12/05/2011 23:15

I'm assuming you're not Greek then springpiece. They seem to manage wonderfully well without all this nonsensical, self centred taking of offence because their wee little sensitivities have been bruised.

And Christmas is not the same at all, you're comparing apples and oranges but carry on if you think it proves your point.

confuddledDOTcom · 12/05/2011 23:16

It's nothing to do with America Hmm I've spoken to people in their 80s about their wedding gift list. Maybe it was one of those "over here" things from WWII Hmm

springpiece · 12/05/2011 23:18

Why is Christmas not the same? Well other than that people don't tend to be so rude at Christmas for some reason. But there are loved ones who you will be fairly sure will be buying you a gift - why not slip a wish list in the card if it's so inoffensive?

KLou111 · 12/05/2011 23:19

The last thing I would have wanted when I was trying to plan a wedding is 150 people phone me, email or text me to ask if we wanted a gift!!

People expect a gift list in a wedding invite, it's their choice if they buy something or donate.
If people want to waste their money and buy tat that people don't want, don't be offended if it ends up in the garden shed! What's the point of wasting money?!?!?
The same goes for Christmas and birthdays, I wouldn't want someone to buy me something I didn't want or need. No I wouldn't give a list to those who we don't usually share gifts with, but a wedding is TOTALLY and utterly different. It's a once in a lifetime thing, not a yearly thing!!!!

springpiece · 12/05/2011 23:22

Well tbh if you can't be bothered to exchange a text message with someone you've deemed close enough to invite to your wedding at some point between the invite and the big day then words fail me.

confuddledDOTcom · 12/05/2011 23:25

Fit, you forget that people are often coming in families Wink

I don't know many people who send gift cards with the evening invites and maybe that's the difference in the arguments.

Again agree with Gwendoline. 100 people don't spend £100s on you for Christmas, all wanting to get something useful.

springpiece · 12/05/2011 23:31

Yes people come in families and if the bride/grooms parents had the details of the list people could ask them. Or I assume you would see some friends face to face before the big when when they could ask about your list so it's not like you would have to sit there banging out 150 text messages to people.

My budget for Christmas/Birthdays and weddings is always around £30 - can't afford hundreds for anyone and whatever celebration you are buying for I assume that most people want their gifts to be useful and liked - that's not unique to weddings.