paying for someone else's honeymoon...

[Mumtomaybebabybella]

I can't decide how I feel about this.

I have had two wedding invitations this week. The first one had TWO gift list requests in it - one for JLewis and one for trailfinders.

The second one has a link to a website where I can make a cash contribution to the couple's honeymoon in the Maldives OR buy them one of a selection of things such as a massage on honeymoon or a boat trip.

I suppose I just feel that I paid for my own honeymoon, honeymoon meals and excursions so why should I pay for someone else's?

I should also mention that we would be required to travel quite a distance to the second wedding and pay for a hotel, etc.

It says on the invite that our presence is gift enough - but it clearly isn't , is it?

I'm sure I'll be flamed. I'm just not keen on paying for someone else's luxury holiday tbh, though I will do it in both cases.

I find gift lists a bit rude tbh however when dh and I married we both had our own houses and therefore two of everything and thought it would be a shame if those who wanted to buy us gifts bought stuff that would be wasted. We paid for our own honeymoon but had no money left for trips etc so I'm ashamed to say I did put a note in with the invitations of those who had already asked what to buy us saying politely that we had two of everything, that their presence would be a present in itself but if they really wanted to get us something then a contribution towards honeymoon trips would be gratefully received. We got some foreign currency, a travel guide and a bucket and spade! All presents were very much appreciated and it meant that we now have some extra special memories of our once in a lifetime trip. I don't regret doing it but still feel a little cheeky

moomoofarm putting pre set amounts on the list is well out of order. I would definitely have had to decline that invitation. Really £50 is not a little amount to many people, myself included. For some families it is a whole weeks shopping budget.

May I ask what you did about gifts at your wedding OP?

TBH I love it when get told what to buy/do, just makes it easier! Not very good at choosing presents

The idea behind wedding gifts was to help the couple set up home (usually in rented rooms) as they were likely to be totally hard up. I think there is no need for it mostly now as many couples already live together and things such as toasters and tv's etc are a lot, lot cheaper as a % of income than they used to be.

I used to like gift lists at stores but recently think many people are taking the p - I often do not get invited to the wedding but am "informed" about the nuptials and invited to make a purchase from the gift list to help celebrate the happy event - a recent one in Selfridges had the cheapest item at £125!

A few years ago was invited by an old friend (who I hadn't seen for 10 years) to her daughter's do in a chapel at Westminster Abbey. The couple (2 highly paid professionals nearing 30) already owned a flat but wanted money to buy another flat in a new devlopment on the Thames as a buy to let investment. On the donations page the lowest set amount was £1k - I turned that invite down and sent them a £20 bottle of local fizz.

Lowest 1k! That really takes the biscuit.

That does take the P somewhat enidroach - I think your friends must be bit posher than mine!

I know they were originally to set the couple up, aren't really necessary anymore, but they're a present to a friend/family member on happy occassion, what's wrong with that? No different to birthday present imo.

But yes gift lists like that are ridiculous - they should have good range of prices, from £20 up really! Our friends one was quite good, all online, you could pick a gift, or just say that you would donate however much you wanted, which would be in gift vouchers for them. Seemed sensible enough!

I'm just making our invites and wondering what to put about gifts

Was thinking of saying

" you've already put yourself to great expense attending our wedding, so you don't need to buy us a gift. But if you'd like to and you'd like some direction we'd love some Colourful crockery or alternatively bring some food to share! "

Thats lovely Mapley no one could complain about that. However you may wish to be a little more specific - do you have room for 50 mugs?

Well I was thinking of making a little wish list of crockery we love, but after reading this it seems rude!

I just know lots of our relatives will want to buy us something, and the majority of things they'll buy won't be anything i'd use. And all my crockery is chipped and from my student days, so i'd love some new stuff to cherish as it's wedding crockery.

Mapley - I don't understand - are you asking people to bring sandwiches for an open air picnic?

We're making a really simple buffet at our small and simple wedding, and it'd be lovely if people brought food and added to it. Not necessary, as we'll make enough so people can eat. But it's always nice to share. I don't ever go to a party without food and drink to share, it just feels natrual to me!

I think that's nice Mapley, it sounds an informal do.

The way I see it, the majority of older more traditional guests and relations will want to buy a traditional gift, and crockery suits me fine. And the majority of our friends will be happy making and bringing some food. So simples!

We've recently had this for a friend. She's been married before, so has he. So, it's not like they're youngsters and just setting out and could use a little help.....they're both in their thirties.

I don't want to pay for their honeymoon. A gift is appropriate.

YANBU

I will never ever ever understand these threads.

1. Virtually everyone gives a wedding gift

2. I'm a busy person, my friends who are getting married are busy people I can't be arsed to faff about bothering them to get their wedding list details after they've sent their invitations which also takes up my time. Far better that they just include a preprinted card from whichever organisation they are using.

3. Most of my friends have an excess of domestic acoutrements

4. Most love travelling & will cherish the memories of their special, never to be repeated extortionately expensive honeymoon for a whole lifetime.

ergo - money for honeymoon it is especially if you can specifiy what your are buying.

The only time I've felt uneasy with a gift list was a John Lewis list full of domestic essentials. Apart from the fact that I knew the couple in question had merged two households when they got together and the partner I know best is a total kitchenware snob so I couldn't understand the very basic equipment requested as this was totally not that person's style (and they already had a pretty damn near complete set of global knives and analon pans).

Closer questioning revealed they were using their wedding list to equip their buy to let property. Now I did think that was cheeky.

If you really think that giving guests helpful guidance as to how to spend the money that they will inevitably be spending I think you need to take a good long hard look at whether your friendship to this couple is actually worthy anything. It iwll be costing them a small fortune to have you and your family at their wedding and yet you describe them as greedy and grasping. Shame on you.

Wow that is cheeky lurker. Really not great as you like to think of them actually enjoying what you've bought.

Lurkerspeaks - I agree. My judgey pants are donned at the people who object to wedding lists (or suggestions to contribute to a honeymoon), especially when accompanied by a politely worded note saying that gifts are not expected but here is a suggestion for those that would like to give something. You've been offered an "out" so quit your whinging and let those of us who are happy to give anything that might be appreciated by the couple benefit from a steer in the right direction.

Some people just look for things to complain about, others are just tight. I bet if they lived in a culture where the tradition is to pin cash to the bride and groom they'd just cut out coupons from magazines.

I feel for people who can't afford to give the bride and groom cash gifts.
Those who are generous/wealthy or both will probably give gift vouchers or cash anyway so why the need to ask?
Of course if you're asked by the guest what you want or need then maybe tell them that you don't want/need domestic appliances and you're saving up for a honeymoon etc.(Even that makes me )
It's a bit cheap and tacky asking for a 'honeymoon fund' imvho.

'We've recently had this for a friend. She's been married before, so has he. So, it's not like they're youngsters and just setting out and could use a little help.....they're both in their thirties.'

That's a brass cheek and totally uncouth, to ask for gifts at all in such a situation.

'Also no one I know could be arsed really putting a lot of thought into buying a wedding gift, most people are relieved to be told what to get so they don't have to be arsed choosing a gift on top of arranging an outfit, travel, etc.'

I enjoy finding something for wedding presents, be it good champagne or some Dartington glass, and I have sewn samplers in the past for people.

I dislike the whole how much it costs for the wedding, so recoup it through the gifts thing. One invites guests to a wedding because you want them there, and you cut the cloth accordingly for the reception etc to what you can afford. It's an invite to a celebration not a quid pro quo in how much the hosts spend and how much the value of the present is.

Bluegrass, I'm loving the mental image of a bride covered in coupons :)

You are not wrong.

My wedding list (sent out after the invitations!!!) included many items below £5 and most of them were under £30. Still we ended up with a load of pound shop tat that was "carefully" and "personally" chosen for us. We didn't want anything really but were pressured into producing a list. What was the point of then ignoring it?

What an utter waste of money

IMO any cheesy line about gifts not being required is not an "out" but a way of trying to make the begging letter look less cheeky. If you must have a wedding list - what is wrong with what a pp did and giving it to people who have already asked what they would like? Or just waiting to be asked? Let your close family have the details so they can pass them on TO ANYONE WHO WANTS THEM! Whatever wording people put on the invite they are clearly expecting a good proportion of people to fund their shopping spree/honeymoon or why have a list?
I know for practically 100% that my grandad will give me a set amount of cash for my birthday/Christmas. I have manners though so I would wait to be offered - I don't put a reminder/list in my card saying "of course I don't expect a present but if you want to get me one here are the things I would like!". It's the height of bad manners and the fact that most people have started doing this for weddings makes it no more acceptable.
It's like baby showers - started in America for first children and were thrown by friends of the parents. Now people are throwing their own!!! I think people are just getting cheekier.

I don't think thats true about the cheesy line about gifts not being required is to make the begging letter look less cheeky. Some people genuinely don't need gifts of household stuff and people want to give them a gift!
Surely if you're going to someones wedding then you are family or a friend.

I still don't get this miserable attitude.

And before anyone jumps to any conclusion I did not have 'begging' lists in my wedding invite and I received all manners of gifts from cheques for £500 from close family to £1 shop plastic ornaments of gold painted saxophones

springpiece , my DD did not EXPECT anything , please read posts properly if you are gonna be venomous about them.
The cards came as part of the honeymoon deal , cards to put in invites, which clearly stated, what it was for , that the donation would be anonymous etc etc,,, so people could choose to do whatever. I am sure some didnt contribute but it doesnt matter either way...and at least no one was embarrassed about not giving as much or as big a pressie as auntie Ethel or wasted money on not needed products.
I already said both her and her husband were amazed and humbled by the generosity of her guests. She walked into the travel shop expecting to pay a substantial balance... and didnt have to, it was a lovely surprise which people did because they wanted to , no names, no idea who gave what or how much... but huge and very much appreciated thank you speech at the wedding to all her guests for their generosity.
All the guests had said what a fabulous idea it was and at least those that donated knew their gift was being used for something treasured.
What the hell is bad bannered about that?

The bit where the cards were put in the invites.